Nauseous. Very nauseous at the very thought. But I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. It was time to start over. I could no longer pretend that this “situationship” was serving a purpose in my life. 5 years and 3 months of on and off agains as he silently destroyed me with a smile. A destruction I allowed. I aided and abetted him treating me like an after thought….making excuses like he’s 8.5 years younger and just doesn’t know better. But truth be told not even when I was in my early to mid 20s did I ever date such a calculated and destructive man. I don’t think he will ever realize the points of destruction he drove me to but he never broke me. I’m writing this from a MTA train and smiling. I’m writing this from a point of starting over. Whether you just lost a job, lost a loved one, divorced, had to move, or just ended your first relationship…you too can start over. Here are 10 tips to guide you.
10. Whether it was your fault that you are in this position or change was forced upon you, forgive yourself! Often times we carry guilt from the past with us and that makes starting over so much more difficult. I had to forgive myself for allowing myself to be treated like shit and pretending to the outside world that it was ok. That I was ok. I wasn’t.
9. While starting over can be so scary…ask yourself this….did your old life serve you great purpose? Even if it did….consider this…the new chapter may serve an even greater purpose.
8. Pray! Even if you are not a religious person, start the path of spirituality between you and something that is positively higher and more loving than even you yourself. Whether it be to God or to trees….pray!
7. Be easy on yourself as you transition. There will be moments of break downs and self doubt but it’s in those moments that you go back to number 8 and pray. Trust that the universe brought you here for a reason. And that reason was not to destroy you! It was to enlighten you!
6. Every day try to find something that you are grateful for and smile. It could be a great cup of coffee or a great friend who is holding your hand through this life change. Whatever it is…stay grateful for it and smile. I’m very grateful for the new boo. Whether he has to hold me longer or kiss me more intensely to let me know he is there for me…he does it without hesitation.
5. When overwhelmed put one foot before the other. Baby steps into the new chapter of your life. And once again, be easy on yourself if you fumble…especially back into your old life and/or old ways.
4. Breathe! You are doing it. You are taking new steps into changing your life. And you are doing GREAT! Many people don’t have the courage to venture out of their comfort zone (no matter how destructive it is) but you do! And that courage says a lot about you!
3. There will be a day when your new life feels great. In that first moment, don’t feel guilty for moving on. Allow yourself to live in that first happy moment and know that there will be others! Life is about growth! You can’t stay in the same place forever even if you try. It’s impossible! But you can embrace the new breath of fresh air that you have been given and be grateful.
2. I’ve always hated this phrase but it’s true. “Everything happens for a reason.” I was thrusted into change. My hope was dying as my spirit began to float away. I didn’t want to leave him. I loved him. And prayed God would work on him. Finally I got tired and I just prayed 1 Corinthians 13 for the man God has designed for me and only me. Prayer didn’t fail me. It strengthened me. Nourished my soul when I thought this was the end for me…that my heart may never love again. I now believe that all the things I went through in those 5 years and 3 months will make me a better girlfriend and wife, one day. I learned how to love unconditionally yet never let go of who I was and my love for myself.
1. It’s a new day and whatever loss I’ve suffered there is more to gain around the corner. More smiles, more laughter, and more love. God chose me to live this beautiful life! And while I am forever an imperfect Christian, I was still made in “HIS image and likeness.” HE is not through with me yet! That negative situation will not stop HIS plan for me! And whether you know it or not, GOD is not through with you either! “All things are possible through Christ!” Whether you are a Christian or not…do know that the universe is not through with you either! This is your new beginning! Now walk into it with pride! You earned it! ~KJM in the beginning and paraphrasing some passages from the Bible.