I recently read somewhere that William Shakespeare said “Expectation is the root of all heartache.” This I have heard before…the theory that if you don’t expect anything from anyone…you won’t get hurt. Shakespeare went on to say that he was “always happy because he did not expect anything from anyone.” Fascinating…and of course I call bullshit.🙄 Why should I not expect my family, my good friends, or even the man I lay with to be there for me? I am a giver by nature and while I learned many years ago to never expect others to do for you what you do for them…I at least set low expectations. 🤦🏽♀️ Perhaps Shakespeare is right and this is the root of all my sadness and disappointments. 😩 Growing up, I would spend hours on the phone with crying friends and rarely got that favor returned when I was hurting. That was okay with me though up until 2009 when my life started to fall apart from every direction. Going through what I like to call “MY Dark Ages (May 2009-May 2013)”, I learned to cry and started to realize that I need people. Only good friends and family please! ✌🏾 And so I started to shed useless friends. Now…every year I evaluate if I’m giving more than I am receiving in my friendships. My real family list gets shorter and shorter every year also. But oh lawd….don’t get me started on my dating life! Not once in my life have I been loved by a man (romantically) the way I needed to be! And this is for my ENTIRE dating life! For example, in the 21 years that I have known Julio…he was only there for me ONCE in life and that was at the very end of my Dark Ages when I split with Mister Toss Salad! Twenty one fucking years! That mfer is so selfish and that’s why he’s still SINGLE to this day….crying about how no woman will stay with him! Bro, could it be that you are a negative, narcissistic, and selfish human being?! 🙌🏽 And to be honest he was only there for me because his life was good at that moment in time and he wanted to rub in what a mess my life was! 🙄 Typical him…SELFISH! Yet I continue to always wish him the best in life and love. ✌🏾Moving on…the Ex Factor was there for me the first two years we were dating (in the midst of the Dark Ages) but I truly believe he wasn’t there because I was hurting. I think he used me to disguise his own hurt from his first girlfriend sleeping with one of his best friends behind his back….after her and the Ex Factor had broken up. With me in the picture, he could prove to the world that no one could hurt him but she did. It would take me years to realize that she destroyed him and that some parts of him were never ever coming back. 😭😭😭 I am not sure if she was his great love but over the last 8 years I get the feeling…he thinks so. Yikes! And 8 years…I am not sure what has kept us connected. While he is the only man I have truly been in love with…my love is not strong enough to keep Kingdoms together like my childhood BFF, Jessica, who always made unconditional love look strong and beautiful.💜💜💜 I have doubts and I have insecurities. My pride rules me most times so whatever that’s kept us connected (may it be good or bad) does not have my love at the center of it. At least that’s how I feel about it. In between Julio and the Ex Factor were just a repeat of selfish men that I spent brief periods of time with…minus Jason, the football player, from college. Back to these low expectations….I carry the weight of my life solely on my shoulders. Never expecting any man to rescue me…though I have had platonic male friends that have been there for me in ways I could never have imagined. I also have amazing female friends that literally held my hands through the dark ages. 🙌🏽 God bless them. Last week, I took a gamble and made a business decision that is costing me. So I’ve been on my couch feeling low all week. Back on the couch! 🤦🏽♀️ Harmony got me to finally leave my apartment and go to the gym yesterday. She’s over 2,000 miles away from me yet she still has the ability to get me off the couch. None of my romantic men ever paid attention to when I was failing at life. Julio would ignore my pain ALWAYS and the Ex Factor would spout some positive words that probably have no real meaning to get me to shut up. 🤦🏽♀️🙄 At least, that’s how I feel about it. So I’m back on the couch and trying to figure out how the hell did Shakespeare manage to have NO expectations of the people around him? Like how? I set the bar pretty low in my romantic life (not in my family nor friend life) and still end up disappointed!!! All they have to do is remember my birthday and most of the time my men (sometimes purposely) forget every year. I would think I am the only one being disappointed by men but I have a bunch of married friends. Looks like it is the plight of GOOD women to give more and receive much less! 🙄 Still Shakespeare…how did you truly expect nothing of others and stayed happy? Lived and wrote in a cave solo?!😳🙄🤦🏽♀️ I mean…I need the playbook. 😩 ~KJM is filled with unanswered questions on Flashback Friday. Between vacations and laying on my couch when I should be making money…writing has become difficult for me. In 2018, I feel so much that I just can’t express. This year is just kicking my ass and giving me that 2013 feeling! 😭 Thanks for sticking with the blog through the good and the bad. And if I had one wish…it would be to have the ability to love in such a strong way that I could keep kingdoms together. 💜 Jessica, you are forever my role model in the area of romantic love.