It felt like parts of me had died these last couple days and I just wanted to stop writing. If I could no longer inspire you…why write? Willow told me that I don’t have the luxury of taking time off. The most she was giving me was a week because I’ve “God given talent.” Her words…not mine. Willow and Jael’s mother, Nicole, have encouraged me the most to start this blog and keep it going. One of them usually lights a fire under me when I want to give up. But sometimes I just get so disappointed in how my story is turning out. I’ve been in bed for two days now…unable to move. I’m writing this fucking blog in my pajamas and looking like I gave up on life. That’s how broken I feel. I love Elijah a lot. More than I ever thought I could love a man after suffering heartbreak from the ex factor. But Elijah rips everything I do apart. We argue over the smallest things because we are both fighting for control. Some of the negative things he’s done reminds me of Julio and the ex factor. I don’t know if it’s our past or if we are just temporarily having a miscommunication but he’s left me feeling…emotionally neglected. I’ve spent 5 years and 3 months loving a boy (the ex factor) that could not and would not love me. If there’s anything I’ve learned from that painful experience is I don’t want to spend five minutes in a relationship where real love and trust cannot exist. So as I laid in bed…sick and feeling like the world was laying on my shoulders…I did what I had not done in 1.5 years….I text Phoenix, my ex lover and friend wrapped up in the shape and form of a soulmate from another lifetime. The iPhone is a weird yet magical phone. When I got my first 6 back in July, it did not have memory of Phoenix’s deleted number. However, when that phone malfunctioned and I got another 6 in September, Phoenix’s number magically appeared. I never dared to use it though. He’s always been there to hold me when I break things off with Julio, the ex factor, or who ever else is stomping on my heart. But my final break up with the ex factor, I did it all on my own. I loved the ex factor until he himself had sucked all the love out of my heart. No man took me away from him. He destroyed us. Once I started dating Elijah, I didn’t think I would ever need Phoenix’s number again. But there I was in bed…texting Phoenix. I didn’t think for a second that he would respond. By now I figured he would be engaged to his daughter’s mother. I knew how important it was for him to be an active father and the last time I saw him in September 2014…he was just that. Didn’t think he would respond but he did right away and knew who he was talking to. I will say it again…I’m in love with Elijah but when I’m emotionally abandoned…the old me comes out. Alone is my comfort zone so it’s not that I can’t be alone. However, alone in love brings me to a level of vulnerability that I’m terrified of. Phoenix knows me well enough to know I would only reach out if my heart was in trouble. Sexy, intelligent, ambitious, and easy to talk to…Phoenix is every woman’s dream. From his dark chocolate skin to his pearly white teeth to his huge big black penis…I’m not sure how I never caught real feelings for Phoenix. He has been my mistress since 2004 on and off. From the day I first laid eyes on him in a Red Lobster in Maryland…Phoenix has always taken my breath away. The thing is though…even when he was 18 and I was 22, I always felt that we belonged with different people but he was my best kept secret. Always there to catch me mid climax and make me feel like I was flying. That’s what just one text from Phoenix does for me. He is my drug of choice. I can crave him, taste him, drink him, and lay in his arms after any hurt feelings between me and a current or ex suitor. He’s one of only two guys I feel completely comfortable with sexually! If there is something I don’t know how to do…he teaches me and is so patient with me. I’ve put on weight over the years and grew slightly insecure when I got hurt in love…but when I’m with Phoenix…none of that matters. I am beautiful and I am to be worshipped. Even if it’s just for a night, Phoenix subscribes to the church of Kingston and there’s nothing he would not do to take me to Mecca….with his dick. That’s Phoenix baby! Still a question lingers in my mind….even though he is not married, Phoenix is spoken for (and probably always been)….can I really openly sign up to be his mistress the way he has been mine over the years? Stay tuned for Phoenix’s rising…~KJM on Serenity Saturday saying I so desperately need to be wanted and worshipped.