Archives for October 2015
I’m wondering if anyone else’s parent screw as much or as loudly as mine? Woke up 4:30am one day to find Mama Michaels in a red and black lingerie set washing dishes and cooking as my dad slept. Part of me was mortified and the other part was like….me and my future hubby better be fucking like rabbits when we are in our 50s! I can’t let Mama Michaels out do me….
Let me start off by saying I don’t mean any harm with this blog. However, I think some folks need a wake up call and I’m happy to give it to them. A few weeks ago, I read a blog written by a mom expressing the things us singles or couples with no kids should expect out of her…like rsvping and cancelling many events because….she has children. It was called “6 Reasons My Husband and I Probably Won’t Make Your Event, and Why We Don’t Want You to Take it Personal…” Interesting fact about me is I was a 24/7 full time caretaker of my siblings and cousins for 6 years. They ranged from newborn to teenagers. So while I’m not a parent, I got a sneak peek into this world in the most damaging way. But I did what I had to do for my family and we are all the better for it. In West Indian culture, your family is the one you came to this country with NOT just the ones you create later in life. Every member has a responsibility from birth. No such thing as babysitting. You have a full time duty to your family from birth. I know that may be something difficult for most Americans to grasp but I know for a fact some of you had to help raise your siblings because of special family circumstances. With that being said…lets get to these 10 Ignorant Things You Need to know about US Single Working Professionals in Our 30s (sorry but not sorry):
10. Contrary to popular belief, I do not have loads of free time to socialize whenever I feel like. I’m NOT at the bars 24/7! On average, I work 50-70 hours a week not counting my daily 3 hours commute! I’m married to my job sometimes by choice but other times by the gun to my head called Student Loans! That’s right! Sallie Mae got me by the balls and she don’t play. So stop assuming I just lounge around all the time and my time isn’t just as precious as yours!
9. Because I’m single and/or married to Sallie Mae, I only have ONE income coming in. So when you parents randomly cancel an event that you RSVP for where I’ve already paid for your plate and your drinks….you’ve just financially fucked me with no lub! Now I’m not talking to those parents whose children become suddenly ill and have emergencies. I’m talking to you assholes who ALWAYS RSVP AND CANCEL because…..YOU HAVE KIDS. Well you had them when I sent you the invite! Just tell me NO the first time. I would appreciate that honesty and save tons of money!!!
8. Now to your kids….some of you want to take them EVERYWHERE! My parents came to this country dirt poor, brought me with them, had two more kids, and took custody of at least 5 of my cousins during certain parts of their lives and we didn’t go every fucking where with them! If I ever get married….your kids ARE NOT invited! This is an extra cost for me! If you can find a baby sitter for your spouse’s work banquet then you damn sure can for my wedding! Did you fall and bump your head and subsequently forget that weddings and other ADULT events are extremely costly for the person throwing them?! Did you forget you were once one of us?! Not to mention I’ve been to too many weddings where a baby is crying through a couple’s wedding vows and the rest of us cannot hear a fucking word! This is THEIR big day not church! They never get these moments back and clearly you did not care or else you would excuse yourself as soon as the baby started crying!!!!
7. Contrary to popular belief, most of us do not get 8hrs or more of sleep! On average, I get 4-6hrs! Plus ever since I entered a demanding career, I developed insomnia! So I’m up when you are up most of the time! Now we both made choices so no need to complain about lost of sleep! Parenting is a choice most of the time and so is having Sallie Mae hold on to both my kidneys until I can pay them! God bless the parents that have both the demanding career and kids!
6. Please don’t call me, unless it’s an emergency, when your baby and/or kids are screaming in the background. Now if I call you and interrupt your day, this behavior is totally understandable. But if I didn’t, please don’t be surprise that I request we hang up and if you decide to continue the conversation, that I hang up on you!
5. Please understand that your bridal showers, baby showers, and wedding days are the most important to YOU! While we love you, these events are added expenses for people with only ONE income coming in. So please don’t throw three bridal showers and baby showers and expect your friends and family to bring a gift each time. FYI this happened in real life to one of my friends who was a bridesmaid in her friend’s wedding. There were THREE bridal showers in which the bride expected a gift from my friend each time. They are no longer friends….
4. Once you start to have multiple kids in different age groups please don’t expect gifts from me! If I can find one gift that all the kids can play with or use, I will get it. But once you have more than one child, Christmas gifts from single Auntie Kingston are off! I had a childhood friend who had 3 kids in different age groups and every Christmas would send around a Christmas registry wish list to all her friends! I wasn’t just pissed off for poor single me struggling in school but doubly offended for all my friends who received this registry but also had their own kids to prepare for Christmas! Needless to say I’m no longer friends with this mom….for many reasons! This was just the icing on the cake!
3. Even though our lives are vastly different, I love you…which is why I still invite you to my events even if I know there’s a great chance you won’t be able to make it! I LOVE YOU! No matter what….we are in this friendship for life but let’s try to be respectful of one another. I know we can’t talk every day but let’s not let our differences separate us.
2. Auntie Kingston knows you are overwhelmed so I will show up for you as much as I can. Please don’t get self centered though and forget to show up for me at least some times. If we’ve been true friends this long…that means I value you. I’m a person too! Check in sometimes even if it’s just by text! I get your struggle I really do. But I also look forward to hearing from you. Quality over quantity as we get older!
And 1. If I ever cross over and decide to join your club (whether biologically or through adoption), you are welcomed to treat me the way I described in this blog. I get that my children and my husband will be MY UNIVERSE not yours! ~KJM aka Auntie Kingston loves the kids…for real I do 🙂
Last night I was running 30 minutes behind but manage to catch 1.5 hours of the Being Mary Jane premiere. It was BRILLIANT on so many levels! Had me hash tagging #iammaryjane throughout the night!!! The scene that touched me the most, though, was when Mary Jane’s little brother, PJ, explained what a silver spoon brotha was! First, I want to shout out my baby brother, Junior! He has been my PJ and my voice of truth about relationships for years! He has also been my biggest supporter when it comes to my quest for true love. I’m forever blessed and humbled to be your big sister! Now back to PJ! I’m paraphrasing (definitely will go back and rewatch) but according to PJ the “silver spoon brotha” is an educated black man, not in jail, and thinks that every black woman should be lucky to know him. This type of man has had everything handed to him. A silver spoon brotha will never show up for you! “Mary Jane, you fell in love with a busta! A bitch man though I’m not trying to call his mama a bitch. Why do you let him ruin you? Why do black women let silver spoon brothas ruin them? A man has to work for it….earn you. A silver spoon brotha is not trained that way. He is not built to handle difficult black women. Mary Jane, you are difficult!” ~PJ from Being Mary Jane. My mouth fell open when I watched this scene. My most recent ex factor was a “silver spoon brotha.” Let me start off by saying that I was born with a brown spoon in my mouth. By the grace of God my family and I rose out of poverty and hardship. I grew up around severe domestic violence and rape. I’m an immigrant who came to this country documented off of the blood sweat and tears of undocumented immigrants. My life was not set for success. The Michaels family went against all odds and fought for everything we have in this country. This is how my spoon became silver but let’s be clear…I was NOT born that way. My recent ex factor, minus some severe health issues in high school, has always had things handed to him. I doubt he even knows what it’s like to go to bed hungry?! Even with the huge differences, I never judged him for growing up with Santa Claus while Santa never really existed for me. I always knew Santa was my dad. So the thing I learned to believe in as soon as I could talk was GOD. Many times I wanted a serious relationship while my ex factor focused on keeping things light but never letting me go. I always had to leave him. Men like Mary Jane’s David and my ex factor have no clue what real struggle is. It’s no wonder that when things get rough they easily check out and make us….the difficult black women….the soul culprit. PJ’s question still lingered on…why do we black women let these silver spoon black men ruin us instead of praying for a man who can WORK for us? Mary Jane says it’s because it’s too hard to start over! There’s some truth to that. I’ve just started over and it’s been filled with so many challenges. Things my ex factor learned about me over the 5 years and 3 months…the new boo is just starting to learn. Things I didn’t demand in my last situationship, I am demanding now in a no nonsense way. New boo knows struggle as well and is an immigrant like me. He works at least 80 hour weeks at his two jobs, one being his own business, while my ex factor could barely work 40 without complaining. New boo and I have struggle in common and neither of us plan on being broke in this country. He is all about uplifting the West Indian community and I respect that! I never respected the ex factor which means during the time I was with him…..I was not respecting myself! While there’s a 12yr difference between new boo and the ex factor, the two men are vastly different. The brown spoon knows that nothing in this world will come easily while the silver expects everything to sit and wait on him! And when I tell new boo that I will castrate his ass…he’s strong enough to take me seriously. I can’t speak for all black women…just myself. I let the silver spoon black man almost ruin me because I thought he was the only person I could love. I knew I could do better (I had dated better in my past) but the threat of never falling in love again kept me enslaved. I also thought that my struggle and hustle would inspire the silver spoon man to “show up for me.” He never did. I suspect my struggle and hustle left a lot of resentment on his part because the difficult black woman in every sense of the word is extremely stronger than the silver spoon brotha. If only she would stay in prayer and wait on a man strong enough to receive her? Deep… ~KJM on Being Mary Jane
I was probably around 8 years old and had ventured out on my Grandmother’s second floor balcony in a house she rented. There I saw her (my uncle’s girlfriend) hanging. He had her in his grip and was choking her until her eyes became bloodshot. I don’t think he noticed me at first. He was too enraged to. I stood there frozen with fear that he would let go and drop her. I don’t remember screaming but somehow my uncle snapped out of his rage to notice I was standing there….witnessing this horror. This memory has haunted me ever since. I don’t think there is a single woman in the generation above me (on both sides of my family) that weren’t a victim of domestic violence and/or sexual assault. Domestic Violence is so personal to me. While I’ve never directly experienced it, I’ve lived it through many of the women in my family. I think it’s part of the reason why I haven’t settled down. Most of the women in my family were the bread winners and still were getting their asses beat daily. Over the years, I’ve had several hard conversations with some of the abusers in my family. Not every abuser is a monster to everyone they come in contact with. Some can be quite loving to their kids while blackening the eyes of their wives. So much more I could say about DV. I’ve a million stories that lie within my heart. Before I go, there are a few things I want to make clear about DV: 1. The battered women’s syndrome is real. It does not discriminate against race, socioeconomic status, age, or even sometimes gender. 2. An abuser tends to be very charismatic person. It’s usually someone you would never suspect. Hence why they get away with it for so long. And 3. Not all abusers are the same. They have all different kinds of traits yet have some dangerous traits in common. I knew some quick to anger and others who were silent attackers…
New boo has been getting on my nerves lately! Must remember to sit on his face at another date and time.
This weekend it got so cold that I had to pull out our candles to warm my room up. It wasn’t until yesterday though that I smelt you. First, it was outside of Red Lobster. We love that place! Then last night I lit another set of our candles, laid down, closed my eyes, and suddenly I could smell you…feel you. It’s been almost a month since we last spoke. And let me just say I know I made the right decision for us both. We just could not go on how we had been. I was drowning. But I don’t think I ever let myself truly mourn you. The candles intensified that mourning. I closed my eyes and reminisced about the many cold nights over the last 5 years and three months that our candles kept us warm. Snuggled together and laughing so hard at how freezing the rooms were but how happy we were together. I missed those times more than you will ever know. But I will take them with me and I hope you will do the same! Often times we focus on the kind of loss (death) that is forever and permanent. In our last conversation, however, I felt that this was truly the end of the road for us. The days I hated you over the years still kept us connected. But when I started to resent you and get repulsed by you…well I don’t think there’s ever any coming back from that. One of the hardest kind of loss is when a loved one is alive but no words nor portions of your heart can reach them. It’s filled with loneliness even though they may be laying next to you. In 2015, I prayed this feeling would go away. Every morning I prayed 1 Corinthians 13 for you and I. I wanted us to make it but it was never meant to be. I’m going to skip going down the ugly memory lane because you were there too so you know exactly how we got here. One thing I do want to clear up is that in our last conversation I listed a bunch of things I wanted an apology for. Your last words to me was “I’ve apologized many times for those things….sometimes in person.” The question running through my mind that I held back from asking was “then why would you continue to do the same things over and over even after apologizing?” The question I ask myself is why would I continuously allow you to break my heart over and over? I gave you the last word because I wanted your statement to linger on and hope one day in your future relationship that you discover some sense of responsibility for the mess we created and grow from it. And that you learn to genuinely apologize and not just give blanket apologizes. In case you are wondering….I loved you every day in the 5 years and 3 months. Even when I hated you…I loved you even deeper. No one can ever take your place in my heart. I suspect a piece of me will always belong to you. But the other pieces are moving forward. I miss you and I pray all is well. FYI I finally started wearing clothes under my trench coat lol ~KJM
I was at a Delta party ordering a soda at the bar and all these men were just staring at me. A few came up to me and ask if they could buy me a drink. I’ve never been a drinker and never been buddy (Jamaican word for dick) crazy so they just need to take their eyes off me! It never pays to be buddy crazy….
The thing they never tell you is that while “time will heal all wounds,” you never stop mourning and grieving a loved one. It could be a scent, the taste of a special dish, or a visit to a familiar place that will trigger that loss. Whether it’s a happy or sad memory, you will feel that loss to the depth of your soul and give anything to have them near you again. You will be utterly emotional and give anything for your heart to be whole again. That pain never goes away. It only lies dormant until it is triggered once again… Whether they are dead or alive….the loss stays with you. I’m emotionally exhausted and at the brink of tears. Feeling way too many things at once….
It’s worth repeating. I have always been Team Olivia AND Team Mellie. Never felt the need to choose because both women are beautifully complex. You love them one minute and hate them the next. I believe Shonda purposely made her characters that way. Exposing their strengths and weaknesses and ultimately making it easy to fall in and out of love continuously with each of them. Last night, Olivia sat on her couch sipping expensive red wine (which from this point on will be referred to as THOT juice) as her life was being publicly exploited. She’s been on that couch for a while now almost as if she was taunting me to write this blog. Liv boo, we are black women! No matter what’s happening our asses better be at work trying to professionally piece our lives together! You are no exception to the rule. Here’s 10 things you need to know about last night’s episode:
10. Every person in life is complex. Olivia, while willingly, became a mistress accidentally. Nothing about her character says that she wanted this life. We can all say that we would never be in such a position (I pray never to be any man’s mistress) but no one knows where the roads lead and what challenges we face in this journey called life but God Almighty Himself. Even Jesus was tempted in the desert. Let us never forget that. Christ was tempted! Of course purely human flesh is going to perish and come up short. We are made in “His Image and Likeness” but we are NOT Christ. Let us also not forget that. Liv gave into temptation and there will forever be a price to pay.
9. You cannot choose who you fall in love with but you can choose how you act on that love.
8. Mellie was pro Olivia when Liv’s affair served her political purpose. Mellie calling Liv a THOT now is comical. After all, That Hoe Over There (Liv) helped the Grants get into the White House by using her intelligence and sacrificing her soul. So to Madame First Lady I say, please don’t forget that you let that hoe into your marriage and accepted her at the dinner table willingly just so you could get the title First Lady! There is always a price to pay for world domination Mellie! If Liv is a hoe, Mellie has always been her pimp.
7. All hoe jokes aside, Liv didn’t get the President by sex. He’s had a lot of that from many women during his marriage. She has his HEART. So she is a THOT that’s in a league of her own. The only way to keep a man is through his heart. It appears that the President’s heart has and will always belong to Liv. I can almost hear Liv singing to the president and at the same time reminding the world with each note:
“You terrify me, cause you’re a man, you’re not a boy
You got some power, and I can’t treat you like a toy
You’re the road less travelled by a little girl
You disregard the mess while I try to control the world
Don’t leave me, stay here and frighten me
Don’t leave me, come now enlighten me
Give me all you got, give me your wallet and your watch
Give me your first-born, give me the rainbow and the…
So go and challenge me, take the reins and see
Watch me squirm baby, but you are just what I need
And I’ve never played a fair game
I’ve always had the upper hand
But what good is intellect and airplay
If I can’t respect any man
Oh I want to play a fair game
Yeah I want to play a fair game”
6. Last night’s episode pointed out the double standard of how society treats women verses men in sex scandals. The media was focused on Liv’s sexual history from birth until now but failed to realize that Fitz is just as much a part of the problem. He’s also a THOT!!!! Even Mellie realized that the person who she needs to truly ruin is her husband NOT Liv! Wives, the man that took that vow with you is the person you should be mad at. A mistress owes no one anything. After all, she took no vows!
5. Mellie and Fitz have always been a political marriage made in hell! They were purposely set up to make Fitz into the president he is today. Sure there was a time they tried to make it work and even adored each other but let’s never pretend this marriage was one ordained by God. This marriage did what it was set out to do…rule the world! Back tracking like it was made by love is silly at best and delusional at worst. They wanted power and that’s what they got! Contract never said a damn thing about love!
4. “Hell knows no fury like a woman scorned!” Fitz had 18 months left of his second term! Why not keep Mellie happy and finish it out with his head held high instead of his pants swinging down low?! As his VP pointed out, when you are the president of the free world you do not get the luxury of acting like a school boy in love. His duty is to his country and he still has 18 months of that duty left!
3. Mellie may think impeaching her husband will get her the presidency but I still think there’s a better way. Perhaps she should have called up Hillary and asked her how she survived the sexual scandals with Bill Clinton! Now Hill may not become the first female president but she at least lined herself up to be in the running. Now there goes a smart and powerful woman. The only passion warranted on the hunt for power is the passion for power! Keep your eyes on the prize Mellie! Plus if Fitz is impeached and you do sneak your way into the presidency, who the hell will be on the campaign trails with you when you are aiming for a second term?! Silly Rabbit! Tricks are for kids!
2. Olitz ended the night by heading out for their first official date! Liv boo did you forget what your mama told you?! “You the help baby.” Right now you look no different than a Mammie from pre Civil War times! You are so use to cleaning up the master’s mess that you somehow got it twisted that you are part of the family and are now helping to increase the mess. Boo, news flash! You still the help! If you want to go down in history as the biggest THOT that ever lived then that’s your choice. But know that they are never going to let a BLACK woman who whores her way through Congress (referring to some of her past boos) and the White House be the First Lady. Thank goodness for Michelle Obama in real life or sistas couldn’t go out this morning with their heads held high! All hail the Queen/Our First Lady Michelle Obama! We love you boo!
1. While all this is happening, Liv has still spent most of her time sipping on the newly coined THOT juice…red wine. Bitch your life is falling apart and you are an intelligent black woman. Are you just going to sit there and watch?! Are you and Fitz just going to throw all your hard work away? All the sacrifices, all the deaths, all the embarrassments, and all the pain that was endured to get this man to the presidency and to build up Pope and Associates? Worst thing about That Hoe Over There is when she don’t know her fucking place! You a mess and need to really read up on the most recent sideline hoe rules. First rule of thumb….a THOT is always a back up singer and never the headliner. ~KJM recapping last night’s episode of Scandal while paraphrasing the Bible and other famous phrases. Also quoting SIA’s Fair Game.