I have been doing my best to distance myself from the Ex Factor while working on who I am as a person. One of the realest conversations (and most difficult) I have had to have with myself was about the truth of why I am so resentful and angry with the Ex Factor. I have made so many mistakes along the way…like not having a clear cut relationship contract from the jump, stupidly thinking my love alone could carry us, foolishly thinking he was supportive of my drive (didn’t realize he had a need to be the provider), beating myself up about leaving him at times he definitely deserved to be left, letting him dwell in my heart for 7 years, allowing him to treat me like I’m nothing, and taking him back time after time. Man that list is long! 😳🙄 What I can no longer do is carry baggage that is not mine. From the moment I told most women (not my friends that have dated and married younger guys) the Ex Factor’s age…they declared us doomed. I was constantly asked when would I get married and have children? Many of these women have known me for a decade and change and know first hand that if I wanted these things, I would have had them! Many times over! Yes the last 7 years seem like a huge waste but not because they were my birthing years! I have no biological desire to have children! As a matter of fact, children only come up when the guy I’m dating brings them up! For the Ex Factor, no children is a deal breaker. He made that clear long ago and I made it clear (as I do with all my men who bring children up) that I am OPEN to being a mother but I take having children very seriously…more seriously than I do marriage! While no one can be 100% certain they have chosen the right person to have children with, I want to be at least 99% sure! And I’m so fucking serious about this that even in my almost 4 years of celibacy throughout my sexual history, I still popped my fucking pill! 🙌🏽 You know I believe that dick falls out the sky and I’m not trying to get got! If the women in my family (most of them) had been this selective and brutally honest with their lack of a desire to just be a mom for being a mom’s sake….some of us children wouldn’t be here and thus, would not have such a huge disconnect with our mothers! 🙌🏽 So no I cannot be angry that the Ex Factor wasted my most fertile years because I did not want a baby in the last 7 years! Truth be told, I would have been fucking pissed if we had gotten pregnant and even if I was pregnant now, I would be livid!!!! I use to think I was protecting the Ex Factor’s youth by making sure we never got pregnant but I was really protecting my damn self! Too many folks having kids and thinking about what to do with them AFTER! 🙌🏽 That is not the life I envisioned for myself! I can do better and even if I fail…at least I fucking tried! Same sentiments with marriage! If the Ex Factor and I had turned serious in this last year, it would be at least another 5 years before I would want to be married and even think about children! He would need to learn how to live on his own and pay bills before I would even entertain us putting our finances and our lives together. Plus…I AM NOT READY! I am not even fucking ready to live with a man! Out of all the guys I’ve dated, I could stomach Jason (college sweetheart) and the Ex Factor the longest but never did I want to live with either! I LOVE WAKING UP IN MY QUEEN SIZE BED ALONE! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽 Most women don’t get that but it’s true! I am just not ready. I think that’s why my heart chose the Ex Factor 7 years ago…because I was in no hurry and I knew I could grow slowly with him (at a snail’s pace). 🙄 So no, I have no right to be resentful about shit most women are on a timeline for and I am not! 🙌🏽 But I have every right to feel cheated from thinking I was slowly building with someone who loved me and wanted to build with me! Even that though…I will have to let go of soon. I’m working on it. ~KJM has officially been warned on Flashback Friday. Any more time wasted…is on ME!