I know that today’s blog will absolutely devastate my mother but I cannot worry more about her feelings rather than my own truth! If you have been reading my blogs carefully and reading in between the lines…one of the very few things I do not spell out is family pain. It’s embarrassing and gives so many people room to judge me. With that being said, I ask you to read this with an open heart and not deny me my experiences. For over 30 years, I have been carrying…what I feel is a generational curse with me. My mother and I have never had a good relationship. It’s a generational thing because almost NONE of the women on BOTH sides of my family had/have a good relationship with their moms. We all come from a long line of emotional, physical, and verbal abuse from our mothers (and for many…from our fathers too…though I and I alone got lucky with having Papa Michaels as my father. I’m sure my sister, Brenda, feels differently and has her own truth). When I think of unconditional love, support, and reassurance…I think of my father! I grew up feeling like my mother hated me (as she generally would address me as a bitch or hoe). She never took any real interest in being there for me except to send me to good schools. Hence why I buried my head in education! It was my only outlet. My mother was forced to raise her brothers and sisters in poverty in Jamaica while (according to my family) my grandmother was in the US and my grandfather, still in Jamaica, would leave the house everyday not caring if all 6 kids had food to eat… My mother was forced to forfeit her childhood so that her and her siblings could escape poverty, abuse, and sexual assault. Though…they really didn’t escape much. Each, in my opinion, still show those wounds and scars and then passed it down to my generation. I was given the same fate as my mother. Forfeited my childhood to help raise my siblings. Now when I say RAISE… I’m not talking about babysitting. They were my responsibility even if my mother was home! My mother, much like hers and so on, had no interest in mothering. Her mother is the spawn of the devil (I consider my grandmother to be dead even though I guess she’s technically living). Abusive in every way…my mother’s mother controlled her life until she was in her mid 40s! You see that’s how abuse works….there’s always some deep hold your abuser has over you. And if I wasn’t a different type of person…my mother would do the same to me! The last time I was really a child was when I was 4 years old! I’ve been cleaning up my mother’s messes, raising her children, and in some ways raising her ass since I was 5 years old! I have a lot of sadness and anger about that but if you ask my mom (I’m sure my grandmother would say the same about her own parenting)…she’s a great mom! She tells herself this everyday which to me is kind of comical. If you are naturally something…no need to tell the world! Now I will say she’s a great nurse and she’s been wonderful with all my cousins that she adopted and all the other children that she’s come across! She’s just fucking terrible with her own! To some degree…all of us kids would agree…though my brother and sister are closer to my mother than my father. I think that’s how generational curses work…each generation tries just a little harder than the one before…only to pat themselves on the shoulder for a job well done…and only doomed to repeat the same mistakes or worse! Now I’m just giving you a synopsis of my situation so that I can give you today’s Serenity Saturday message! So much more I could say…I could write a book…but I simply don’t have that kind of time today! What I’ve been waiting to say since I started this blog was that at FIVE years old I told the nuns at my Catholic school that I never wanted to get married and have kids!!! It’s 30 years later and I’ve kept that promise. It wasn’t until yesterday when I unexpectedly broke down at my hair salon did I realize that part of the reason why I avoid serious relationships and pop my birth control pills even through years of celibacy is because I feel it’s the only way I can protect myself from the generational curse! While Auntie Kingston loves the children…I’ve never had a desire to give birth. This has not changed. I know that children take a lot of work and that most of the world had them because of what they thought children were going to bring to their lives…not realizing that children TAKE…that’s their job! No to give! They never asked to be born! So when I hear about people popping out children like they are buying ornaments for a Christmas tree…I fucking cringe! In my opinion, no woman on both sides of my family…except my Great Grandmother Alice on my father’s side…should have ever become a mom. Mothering wasn’t there thing and most didn’t even fucking try! The amount of abuse the children in my family have gone through is horrific! Now I know some of you without parents or with just one parent are side eyeing me. But hear me out! My mother is famous for always repeating to us kids that “half a mother is better than none!” While I’m not sure if that’s true or not…who the fuck signs on for the job of mommy…expecting to do only half the fucking work?! That’s because in her eyes…half is better than what she got. I beg to differ! Do not step into the ring of parenting if you aren’t willing to do the work! Do not let your children suffer because you are a selfish ass human being! So if you were wondering why I stayed with the Julio’s and the Ex Factor’s of the world…it’s because they were always dead ends!!! I could escape the generational curse and stay by myself with no children by dating boys that are incapable of the kind of true and everlasting love a wise woman would need to even think about marrying and reproducing! So I carry this fear with me…that if I ever reproduced…I would be like most of the horrible mothers in my family!!! Deep… Someone recently asked me if I’ve ever told my mother how I feel? Mama Michaels claims to fame are she’s a great nurse and a great mother! Neither are up for interpretation…though I will admit she’s great at her job! And everyday I’m so thankful she was a career mom and not a stay at home mom! I don’t even like to be home with her now and I’m 35! I’m not sure how one frees themselves from a generational curse but I hear it starts by giving it to God and letting it go! I have so many family and friends who assure me I would be a great mom but I cannot be sure. So I pray and I stay to myself. For I don’t want a child writing something like this about me 30 years from now. It would break my heart…even if I was six feet under! Lastly, I know there’s no manual for parenting and mistakes will always be made! But to all my parents out there…never underestimate what an honest and open conversation with your children, a sincere apology, and the willingness to move forward in a positive manner can do for your children’s soul. Denying you hurt them and denying their experiences as they see it…will only continue the generational curse… ~KJM on Serenity Saturday saying I know that was a lot. As we all brace yet another holiday with our families…please keep in mind past hurts and be careful not to continue them. Happy Christmas Eve!