I am left holding the knife. The blade is so sharp. Pierced through my heart a million times. Yet I am left holding the knife. YOUR weapon of mass destruction. Yet I must wear the scars. The weight of the knife in my hands has left me trembling. Cannot figure out why this is MY burden to carry. I…I…loved you. Freely. Openly. I loved you. Never purposely using a weapon against you. Always putting you first. First thought in the morning and last thought at night. And what did I receive for all my “love?” I am left holding the knife. YOUR weapon of mass destruction. The weight is too heavy for you. To injure AND to have to be left accountable for your crimes against humanity…my heart. So you left me holding the knife…not caring if I have to do 20 to life…because of it. Not aware of how it will haunt me…knowing exactly how this…knife…was used against me when my only goal was to love. You left me holding the knife. And it was to be expected. I was the gate keeper of love. I felt the disappointments. Breathed the deceit. I am the keeper of everything heavy. And so the knife ways me down. I tremble but…I don’t dare to drop it. It’s like I signed on to carry your baggage for you. You have long fled the scene…leaving me with this piercingly sharp object. I…I did not commit the crime. I just came here to love. Freely. Openly. Stupidly. And how did you repay me? By leaving me with YOUR knife. I had not hurt anyone. I took each stab…standing up each time…hoping and praying you would see my strength and find me worthy of being the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. Never realizing that each wound now made me unsavory…undesirable…and practically road kill. Hands trembling. I still balance the knife. Letting it weigh me down. Hoping and praying that one day…because of all I had endured…that the wounds would be viewed as badges of honor. Like a Purple Heart. Honor. Love. Respect. ~KJM on Hump Day. 💜
Now some folks are going to burn me at the stake for this one but truth be told…I have been wanting to write this blog for months…but hesitated for numerous reasons. So why not push the status quo while my love life is in the toilet! 🙄 I want to start off by stating that for 36 years I have LOVED the black man. While I have dated outside of my race (when I was younger) I always thought my soulmate was a black (or at least…a brown man). 🙄 To me, no one can raise the family that I never knew I desired like I can with my black soulmate. But if I keep waiting on the black man to get his shit together, I will be writing the sequel to this piece in my fucking 70s!!! Right now, I meet more men outside of my race that ask me on dates and/or show interest in me but I always turn them down! Several of my black female friends (like Willow and Alexandria) are happily married to white men. Great men at that! I have known Alexandria’s husband the longest and they are AMAZING together as a couple! They actually just celebrated three years of marriage yesterday! 😍 Shout out to them! Now back to the task at hand. I LOVE the black man but if I was to keep waiting…I just may be waiting forever! 😐 Now to me the white man is NOT a prize but he sure sounds better than dating a woman (unless you are into women then by all means…do that). My BFF, Zack, is only one of two white men that I wholeheartedly love and trust. And he is happily married. Lol. So crossing over won’t be easy for me. Part of me will always think they (white Men and/or their family) have secret deep seeded racist hearts. Plus I am not begging anyone to be in their family. Didn’t even do that with my kings (the black men). ✌🏾 But still black love (17 years of it out of my 21 years of dating) has burned my heart, left me with baggage, has driven me to detest the black man (who is not related to me), and almost lead me to be the first self pronounced lesbian NOT attracted to women! 🙌🏽 That is how deep the wounds are. Not to mention, men like Julio (I know this for a fact) and the Ex Factor treat women of other races much better. So I’m really opening up my mature self into realizing that black love may not be in the cards for me and I’m okay with that! FYI two white men asked me for my number last week. One is a coworker so I gave it to him. Still dating isn’t really on my mind until I see some action. My black men were never about action. And my standards for the white men are so different. Okay let’s go into the 6 things a Sista needs to know before crossing over. 6. NO LAZY WHITE MEN! There are some black Woman that are obsessed with a white man and will take any white Man. Now if I’m demanding my brothers aren’t lazy…why the fuck am I picking up a lazy white man?! GTFOH! In Jamaican culture, laziness is the ultimate disrespect! No way I’m picking up any lazy man!!! ✌🏾 White privilege stops at my bedroom! You want this Sista…you better have 10 jobs! 🙌🏽5. WHITE MEN ARE NOT KINGS BECAUSE OF THEIR SKIN COLOR! The world already praises the white man for being white! I’m not doing that shit! I am getting my Serena Williams on and letting them know that chocolate is the best fucking thing around. Black Women build empires more than any other female race! We always have to go for ours. So if you want to be our king…we got to set the bar high! His skin color is not a reason for him to be cherished! If you have a good white man in your life and he treats you right…that’s what makes him on the road to being your king! 🙌🏽 4. NO WORK WITH A WHITE MAN AFFIRMATIVE ACTION PLAN! For my black and Hispanic men, I have a “work with a brother affirmative action plan” that is good until they turn the age 40. This is me, your queen, realizing that the world is a fucked up place and there are traps set for our black and brown men to keep them from achieving greatness. White men don’t have to worry about racism, police brutality, absentee daddies, and drugs plaguing their neighborhoods to the high degree that black and brown men have to. The world was made for the white man…so no matter what age I meet him, he better have his shit together! No excuses! 🙌🏽 3. NO COMMITMENT ISSUES! I have been through a lot with brothers who can’t and/or won’t commit…I’m not going through that shit with white men! I believed in Black Love so I waited for it. Well it fucked me…TWICE! Not giving the white man one chance to fuck me. Put a ring on it or get the fuck moving! Besides Zack always says if I meet a white man that has not been married by the age of 40….he’s either a serial killer or he doesn’t ever want to get married! 😳🙄😐 2. COURTSHIP! We black women will be fully courted by the white man. Like I said, many of us are not too thrilled to be crossing over so don’t think you can get away with what our brothers did to us. You don’t have apartheid, slavery, nor Jim Crow in your back yards. Your families were not purposely separated and destroyed! Not making excuses for my brothers but many of their issues goes way beyond the current life they are living. We as a people have been broken for hundreds of years. When brothers are unnecessarily incarcerated at higher rates than other races….the slavery dynamics continue. Sistas must do everything by ourselves….hence why we are just too much woman for some black men. The white man never had these obstacles. He grew up with the white woman…so courtship should be in his blood! 🙌🏽 1. ONLY CHOOSE FINANCIALLY SET WHITE MEN! Now this is going to get me side eyed and cussed out but I don’t care! When white women are marrying our black men…a lot of them are going after black men with money! So why are we crossing over to be broke?! No ma’am. If I’m going white, everybody better see why I went that way! Mortgage and car notes better be paid or paid off and we better have a damn good financial planner! I can struggle with a brother! No way I’m marrying a white man to struggle! GTFOH! “No romance without finance!” Once again, the world caters to white men. Just by the color of their skin certain opportunities are handed to them that are not given to our black and brown brothers! He better get his fucking Bill Gates on if he wants me to be his Mrs. 🙌🏽 ~KJM is ignorant as fuck on Throwback Thursday! Yes love matters! Love the man! But do not accept less than what we are worth with the white man. I made that mistake with brothers….
We have all done it at one time or another…feeling ourselves floating away…unable to put a stop to this uncontrollable movement. I feel myself slipping away and there’s not much I can do about it. It’s not from the lack of trying. I try and try to control the situation but the weight of it all is just too much for me. So I continue to slip away…everything blurred. No views of beauty. Only the weight of deep sadness. The depths of that sadness makes being numb seem tempting. But after our awakening…we said we would never become numb again. I don’t want to ever not feel again. But here I am…in pain. And the worst part is this is all happening because I left someone else in charge of my own happiness. Besides the hell that is work right now and the hurt I have felt from the Ex Factor…I love my life. Love my body, my mind, my apartment, my friends, my family, and my travels. I LOVE. That may be what brought me to this point. I LOVE while he remains numb. Days without him, I feel relieved. Until…that is…I am reminded of the weight on my shoulders. The things that I am unable to control. The things I carry with me to bed at night. The things I whisper to myself that I do not dare share with anyone else…not even you…my readers. So I feel myself floating away…disappearing. Becoming one of those weak minded people that let’s another being darken their existence. That’s how I feel. Weak. Even with all the books that I’ve read and with Nicole reminding me that “love is not for the weak”…I am still lost. To be honest, my ending with Julio was the best (for me). I may have cried for 3.5 months in summer 2007 but my last words and actions to him were of love. It haunts him and nothing haunts me. I loved and it didn’t work out but I never let ego and pride hide that I loved. It was the perfect heartbreaking ending. I stood in love. And then I let go. Julio made his choice on his own. That choice haunts him. I…am not haunted. But this is not easy to achieve with the Ex Factor. My pride says fuck him. He does not deserve love. But I love. And my conscious and subconscious intentions battle each other. So I float away. Disappearing into a world of pain…. ~KJM on Hump Day. Ever felt this way? Stay tuned because I do believe that the tides are turning. I LOVE and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. I LOVE….
Knot in my chest. There is a war going on between my subconscious and my conscious. That’s where the knot comes from. I did not know this until I picked up Gary Zukav’s “The Seat Of The Soul” and began reading. The knot…feels like good and evil are fighting for my soul. That’s how deep the weight is on my chest. I fall asleep with it. I awaken with it. The feeling does not quite leave me even if I find moments of peace. According to Gary, I am experiencing the effects of having a “splintered personality.” A splintered personality “struggles with itself; the values, perceptions, and behaviors are not integrated; it is not conscious of all the parts of itself; a splintered personality is frightened and fears aspects of itself that threaten what it seeks AND what it has attained; it experiences circumstances within its life as more powerful than itself; A splintered personality that has a conscious intention to improve its marriage and a stronger, unconscious intention to end it, for example, will feel, after the collapse of its marriage, that despite its efforts, despite even its best efforts, things did not work out as intended. THIS IS NOT SO. They worked out exactly as it intended, BUT, because he or she held conflicting intentions, much turbulence, so to speak, was created in the flow of Light through that person.” Pg. 92 of “The Seat Of The Soul.” Gary believes that a splintered personality can lead to severe physical and emotional pain. Hence the knot in my chest. DEEP! A splintered personality is not a case of indecisiveness. No. Your mind is saying one thing and your heart is saying another. Both have intentions that lie deep within you. My conscious self has no faith in the Ex Factor and I yet my subconscious self does not want to leave him. If I had to be honest, with exception of the first 3 months of us dating (where I had him on a pedestal and he could do no wrong in my eyes), I’ve been splintered since almost the very beginning. From the moment he said he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship (at age 20 and I was 29) and the minute some of my female friends and associates pointed out that it would never work and he was just wasting my time…I HAVE BEEN SPLINTERED. My entire life, the odds have always been against me and I never gave up in any other area. But starting Labor Day Weekend 2010, my road to giving up on the strongest romantic love I have ever felt….began. Me thinking in my day to day that I’m trying my hardest. Not understanding that my conscious has given up while my subconscious was still fighting for us. And if I had to guess which intention was the strongest…it would be the intention to leave him because I’ve done it a million times before….with two years being the longest that I physically left. Heart always stayed put though… If Gary is correct, we were doomed at hello. I brought a knife to a gun fight…without even knowing it. I was always taught to make my prayers specific but NO ONE ever taught me to pray on a relationship. NO ONE. It seemed silly at best and a waste of prayers at worst. Now 7 years later, I’ve come full circle….understanding that I am EXHAUSTED from the battle I was not even fighting. I was more like a spectator…just watching my own life! 😳 Growing up Catholic, Purgatory was a bad place to be. A sinner who was not damned to hell but had not repented. Soul just stuck until it could be “purified” and find its way to God. Wasted time being conflicted. At least, this is the way I understood it. Knowing what I know now and being 7 years in…what can I do now? While my conscious intention to leave him is larger than my subconscious…I want to know how I can change that?! I’m only half way through Gary’s book so I’m turning to you…my readers. While I still feel the knot in my chest…and am still so conflicted…there’s one thing I am sure of…MY MIND, EGO, and PRIDE rule my conscious! We have all been in bed with each other during my 21 years of dating! I don’t fully understand who runs my subconscious but I know my heart is at least part of that foundation. My words and my actions never matched up. I’m all over the place and so is he too but this isn’t about him. It’s about ME. While I think marriages that do not entail abuse and habitual cheating are worth fighting for…where does one first learn those tools to fight? When does the spirit stay put and say even in darkness I will stand by you? Where does it all come from? ~KJM is shocked on Charm School Monday to find out…that I had always been working against myself in the game of love. I am exhausted from being exhausted but not exhausted from truly trying. I…expect him to grow up…I expect him to change. But my fight is greater than him. I have to know and trust that if I am a wife one day…the fight will be in me and I won’t easily walk away when things are not going my way. Yes he has hurt me and yes he is a mess. But that’s his battle to fight. When am I actually going to get in the ring with ONE INTENTION and consciously and subconsciously work towards it? WHEN?! Editor’s Note: Charm School Monday’s bonus blog😘
I awoke around 2am only to burst into tears. It is very possible for your emotions to transcend from your dreams to your reality. Only I don’t remember dreaming… Perhaps I was sleeping with a broken heart. As a matter of fact…I know I was. I went to bed with my mind full and my heart conflicted. Yesterday I attended the 5th birthday party of the daughter of a close family friend. Auntie Kingston, while exhausted from the heat and TRYING to keep up with the kids running around, had a blast! Most of my friends were there with their significant others and everyone was just so happy and at peace. Not even a little rain shower could stop the joy in the park. One of my friends asked where the Ex Factor was. To be honest, I did not know his exact location (all I had to do was text and that would be revealed) but Sunday’s are family days with his family so at least by 7pm they would all be having dinner together. I think it dawned on me…in that moment…that I am always alone. Always attending events alone. In my 20s, I wholeheartedly preferred it that way. It was MY CHOICE. Certain members of Julio’s family made my life a living hell and spending time with them made my skin crawl. The Ex Factor and I keep our lives very separate. Though it was not always that way with him. I use to double date and hang out with him and his friends. My friends live all over the world so I never opened that door. Though I did ask the Ex Factor if he wanted to attend my BFF, Zack’s, wedding a few months into dating. He already had plans with his friends to go to upstate NY (which was true) and he said weddings were too serious. I let it go and took Willow instead. As the years went by and we struggled, I would be in and out of his friend circle but we did not dare mix families. To be honest, I 100% prefer it that way until I mention it to someone else and see the look of horror on their faces. Papa Michaels is only interested in meeting my husband! 🙌🏽 And that’s Daddy so he gets that right. Over two decades of dating, my parents have only known Julio as my friend and then boyfriend when I turned 18. It wasn’t because Julio was special…it was because we were 15 and 16 when we started dating. We could not go to either of our houses without introducing ourselves and speaking with each other’s parents first! That’s the type of families we grew up in. Other than that my folks met dudes accidentally as my FRIEND. Truth be told, they both prefer it that way too because both sides of my family STILL HATE each other! Decades of knowing each other has made the hate intensify and it has deeply hurt my parents’ marriage. Now I know that this may not be my story but it’s a real fear. I don’t need to be everywhere and know everyone for I’m not his wife and to be honest many of my friends (especially if they read this blog) would not be excited to meet the Ex Factor but everyone knows I can handle myself. My Daddy has some concerns (good daddies always do) but my mama is hopeful. She does not care that she hasn’t met the Ex Factor. To her, he represents her only chance of getting grandchildren. Lol. I have been saying I would never reproduce nor get married since I was 5 years old (31 years now). Still no desire to reproduce but if it was what he desired…it’s what we would do. That is how deep my love runs…for him. I love children and I already know I can raise them but I certainly won’t just have them to have them and…with anyone. 😳 No way. But I digress…this discussion is not about my lack of a biological clock. Lol. As I let the tears flow, all I kept thinking is things are not suppose to be this way. I am not sure what way they are suppose to be….because there is not a single person I know that I am jealous of their life. So much of what makes my friends and family happy…would not make me happy. And I mean that! But I would like to feel more secure and more valued. It’s hard because I feel like we are going through the terrible twos. Everything that has to do with love and stability…the Ex Factor rejects. For example…the other day he mentioned that when he gets his own place he wants to buy his own furniture and does not even want a woman’s touch on it…not even his mama’s! Now I don’t know if he knows this but furniture is so freaking expensive. I felt so blessed when my mom bought my first set of furniture in 2003 and even more blessed when I bought my own in 2017! 🙌🏽 My dad furnished my sister’s current apartment. Things add up quick! Any help you get you better take it! 🙄 The Ex Factor is all about the “I am man and women are useless to me right now” phase. Not sure what brought him to this point. But I know I’m so grateful for the times my parents supported my goals. No man nor woman is an island by themselves. Simply impossible. 😩 Trust me…I have tried. And failed! lol. It’s very difficult to get through to someone like that. A huge part of me has given up on trying… ~KJM on Charm School Monday. Stay tuned….Had two things on my mind when I woke up. May just have time to tackle the second one.
Well I finally got laid! And it was not another episode of the Sleeping Penetration! Lawd knows I could not survive that without ending up on snapped! Baby boy (The Ex Factor) was wide awake and even though we were short on time … we made the most of it. It wasn’t the all night session I generally require but it did the trick! And you know what I realized?! I am a fucking psycho!!! For the last 4 months, we have fought and tried to improve our communication along the way. While the arguments were ugly and my feelings got all the way hurt (still taking him at his word) … we almost completely stopped touching each other. The Ex Factor wasn’t counting but I damn sure was! In the last 4 months, we have had sex THREE times, including last night. I don’t remember much about March because my work schedule was so crazy I could barely find time to tie my shoelaces but I know I found some time in my 90 plus hour work weeks to do him. Y’all know May was…well…. (see Sleeping Penetration blog), and then last night. When he’s not touching me…I fucking lose it. My mind wonders and I’m like what the fuck is he doing?! And if you have known me for a long time….you will know that I have laid with the male pimps and hoes population before and never got jealous. The Ex Factor is the only dude that I will get crazy jealous of the chick that just gave him his McDonald’s meal in the drive thru! Like she smiled a little bit too much when she handed him his fries! I was never like that with Julio and I damn sure wasn’t like that with Crazy who was probably sleeping with half of Penn State’s female population when we were dating! I always remained calm, cool (well as cool as I could be), and collected (unless somebody crossed me). Lol. I’ve grown up so much. For someone who grew up around so much infidelity, you would think I would be able to trust no man. But it’s very few that I cared what they did. So I never gave trust to begin with…coupled with a lack of real feelings and you get a woman who was unbothered…that is…until now. There’s always a first time for things! But I digress… The thing that was so wonderful about yesterday was the INTIMACY was exactly what I needed…before and after the sex. We felt in sync…even if it’s just for that one moment in time! I was breathing him and he was breathing me. That knot in my chest (probably from ignoring him all week) had been lifted and we could just be. And that’s where we were…just being together. Problems and all but just being. It was a good feeling. I could put all the stressful stuff about work and life behind me. And that is what the Ex Factor is when he’s at his best…he’s like the rainbow after the storm. That’s why he is so hard to leave… ~KJM on Flashback Friday😘 I am realizing that having just communication without any physical touch in your relationship/situationship is just as bad as only having the physical with someone. A loving touch goes a long way to back up kind words…
Dear All, the following incident has been brought to my attention! Oh we are going to THROW it way Back today! Y’all remember the song that said “no romance without finance?” No truer lyrics have ever been sung. Boys and girls…if you did not know…now you do know that… PUSSY COSTS! Maybe not always a monetary amount but if you pet the pussy the wrong way (physically or emotionally) there will be a price to pay! For example, I have never shut down shop as much as I have with the Ex Factor! Fully shut down production! Nothing going in without a damn warrant! 🙌🏽 Dudes be tripping nowadays because a lot of confused little girls got them thinking that dick is everything! 🙄 How can dick be a reward when it must stop and take breaks?! For real! The vagina on the other hand (and I’ve tested this theory) can go for 8-10 hours with one bathroom break…bringing pleasure way into the wee hours of the night until daybreak! 🙌🏽 That is why a woman is so dangerous. She has the POWER to bring pain or pleasure with that vagina of hers. Sometimes…depending how kinky she feels…she may bring pain AND pleasure! 🙌🏽 Yesss…the old skool generation was onto something…something lost in the current generation. Many of us out there just giving pussy away for free with no standards set…no terms that WE drafted up! Like how the fuck is that possible? I admit…even I sometimes forget the power of the vagina…like in my recent negotiations with the Ex Factor. Sometimes love clouds our judgement and that’s understandable but to just be pure stupid and give the penis all this power is unacceptable! 🖕🏾 Dick is as loyal as the wind patterns sometimes and if you have been following global warming…you know the wind cannot be trusted! Still…how did penis get to claim the power that only the vagina has?! How did mistresses get permission to come out of the trick closet and be celebrated? I don’t play with people’s husbands! I hope that I have made that crystal clear! If he’s trouble for her…he will damn sure be trouble for me! And nobody got the damn time to be cleaning up that kind of mess! ✌🏾 And y’all know I’m retired from the boyfriend borrowing business now for almost THREE YEARS! Though I admit…I felt stronger in my pussy negotiations when I had Phoenix in my back pocket! 😩Still…I’m walking the walk and enduring the heartbreak on my own. GROWTH! 🙌🏽 Blind-sighted by pretend love, lies, and distrust…I got sidetracked from acknowledging the power of my pussy. And let me be clear on something else…anyone who has a vagina has this power. It’s all about how we exert it. Dudes want to get f*cked like they are in a porno but don’t want to spend for a 2 for 10 at Applebee’s! 🖕🏾✌🏾😩 GTFOH! ✌🏾 And some how we women are allowing it to happen! Well boys and girls I’m here to remind you that there is a MAINTENANCE FEE for PUSSY! Sometimes there is INTEREST on that fee! 🙌🏽 The question is…can you afford it?! 😩 Whether the vagina is in love or not…that power is still there. What’s caused an inflation amongst the stock of vaginas…are the girls laying on their backs for any and anyone…not even getting off in the process! 😳We cannot give men this much power over us. I’ve been on strike so long that I completely lost interest in the penis. 😳 A tickle here and a tickle here does not make a happy vagina. Quality time, care, understanding, commitment to the process of the vagina (even if it’s just for that one night), loyalty, and trust! ❤️ These are just some of the things that make the vagina happy! Each woman is so different, beautiful, and vulnerable but never weak! 🙌🏽 Never forget that! So if you don’t want to be getting hit with high interest rates….pay that maintenance fee for the vagina and worship her like it’s your last day on Earth! 🙌🏽 Signed, Pussy Management ~KJM on Throwback Thursday…saying we will be watching you! 😘
Yesterday I stumbled upon another one of “your man ain’t shit” articles! Even though I warn you guys to stay away from them…I like to torture myself by reading them because it always comes up that the Ex Factor (the person he is today) ain’t shit. 😩 But what I did not know is…I’m not shit either for putting up with him! 😳 Well surprise surprise! The article named 10 types of men that if we are dating them, we don’t love ourselves! As if I don’t have enough shit to deal with! The only two I had dated on my list were the Narcissist (Julio and Elijah) and the Casual Dater (The Ex Factor). 🙄 Some frustrated woman in the comments section said that the article described 99% of men so what are we women to do? 😳 Poor thing is considering joining the “lesbian by choice” club that I’ve often contemplated….but am still only attracted to men! Rats! 😭 So now that the article established that I don’t love myself…I can either ignore it or challenge it. While I don’t make the best dating decisions and I damn sure shouldn’t be playing match maker any time soon…how I feel about myself is NOT the reason why I put up with the Ex Factor! I took a long hard look at the mess I’m in and realized that I stick with him for two main reasons…(1) He stuck by me through the worst time period in my life with no complaints and (2) I use to be him…most of my dating life. I think the latter reason is the biggest reason I stay. After Julio broke up with me at the end of my first year of graduate school in 2007, I was so frustrated that he would not give me more time. I needed time to adjust to words like fiancée, wife, and mother. And some how even with all our ups and downs over a ten year span, I still could not wrap my head around any of it. But I felt like if he would give me more time to pursue my dreams, I would be loyal and give him the family life he wanted. My last words to him…during our breakup…was…“we were suppose to get married and have a family…” Two years later when he reentered my life…I still had love for him but nothing between us would ever be the same. It would take me years after to realize that Julio broke my heart in Summer 2007 and when he resurfaced in November 2009…my love for him in a romantic way had died. What I initially held on to was someone familiar. Love…in a romantic way…no longer existed! And it damn sure didn’t help that Julio left me TWICE when I was in the trenches…the end of my first year of graduate school…and then when I graduated and could not find a job due to the recession. I begged him to pay my cell phone bill (no more than 80 bucks at the time) and he told me no because I “would probably use my phone to call other guys.” My phone got cut off and not only could I not call Phoenix 😍but I also could not respond to potential employers!!! 😐 That was the shit I could never forget. Julio watched me struggle…and did nothing to help me. I would never have done that to him. To this day if he needed something (short of me taking him back), I would help the best I could! But that’s just me. We had been through too much to watch each other drown in life! Years later when the shit would hit the fan with the Ex Factor, I would text Julio cussing him out for not being there for me. I truly believe had Julio stepped up like a man who cared about a woman should…I would never have fallen for the Ex Factor! I blamed Julio for that…for years too. My resentment was still so high for Julio until mid 2015 when I realized he wasn’t there for me by choice and that is how he had been for all the years I’ve known him! 😩 Even now, Julio and I are not friends because he likes to speak negativity into my life. The Ex Factor is a lot of things but he’s not going to leave his friends in the trenches (he treats them better than he does me) and during the hard times he does not run! That’s why I stay down! And no I don’t owe the Ex Factor a damn thing much less the rest of my life but if you knew me during what I call the Dark Ages (May 2009-May 2013), you would know the light and love the Ex Factor brought into my life starting in June 2010. Yes he treats me terribly but it was almost no different than how I treated many guys in my past when I wasn’t ready to commit. My focus was only on myself. Love was inconvenient…still fucking is. I just started growing up around two years ago thanks to Elijah and his mess! Before that time period…love equaled running when shit got bad. So yes I feel like a doormat at times and yes it feels like I’m never going to get out of this world of pain but the happiness I found in those dark moments brought to life the Kingston Jael Michaels that writes to you weekly. That’s why I stay down with the Ex Factor. And maybe I will regret it…but it’s gonna be my regret to have…. ~KJM giving you a bonus blog on Hump Day. So much on my mind. It helps writing to you all! 💜
It’s been a burning question on men and women’s minds for decades. Can the opposite sexes be JUST friends? My answer…YES! My best friend, Zack, is a heterosexual man and has had my back since 1999! 🙌🏽 In college, I always had about an equal amount of male and female friends…still do! This woman needs a healthy dose of testosterone in her friendship circle! When I was dating Crazy at age 20, he hated that I had male friends. It didn’t matter if they were gay or straight (as I had both)….he wanted them out of my life. Crazy just did not believe men and women could be just friends! I totally disagree but I think true friendship can be found between the sexes under certain circumstances. Here are my top 5 Ways That Men And Women Can Be True Friends: 5. THEY ARE ALSO FRIENDS WITH EACH OTHER’S SPOUSES! I think that as you grow, male and female friends must support each other’s relationships and AT LEAST have respect for each other’s spouses if friendship cannot be achieved with the spouses. Zack lives far away from me so I did not meet his wife to be until shortly before the wedding. Let’s just say…she wasn’t open to being my friend but acknowledged that we are both in it for the long haul with Zack. I knew the ins and outs of their courtship and she knew that I had had major beef with Zack’s first fiancée! 😩 Awkward position to be in but I think we have all made the best of it. When they visit NYC, I try to meet up with both of them. I always ask how she is doing and I don’t expect invitations to events that are mainly for her…like baby showers. That’s her territory…she is his wife…and I respect that. So I support from afar and I think this works for all of us. Over the years, I think Zack’s wife has grown more confident as he often tells me publicly (on social network) that he loves and misses me. I think she finally understands that Zack is my brother for life. 4. NO SEXUAL HISTORY! While the sexes may be attracted to each other…it’s possible the attraction is not physical. Zack loves my drive and I love his business sense and his commitment to his family. I brag all of the time that my best friend is a great husband! 💙And just when I want to give up on men and join the “lesbian by choice” club (lol), I am reminded of the amazing man Zack is. If he exists…then so does my amazing future husband! I think the thing that solidifies a true male and female relationship is not having any kind of sexual history. Zack and I have never even kissed! That’s my BROTHER and that’s what I explain to every new dude I’m dating. Zack always asks “did you tell him that your best friend is a man?” And I always say yes. Zack is irreplaceable and he is the one friend I love in a way that I love my family. Whatever we go through…we must stay together. No one leaves this friendship. And even if we hurt each other…FORGIVENESS is the only choice. Trust that we have pushed these theories to the limit over the years…and still held onto each other! 🙌🏽 Great time to say I love you Zack! Thanks for all the unconditional support over the years. 3. THE ROOM TO FALL IN LOVE! True male and female friendships should support and encourage each other to have healthy and loving relationships. When Zack met his now wife…I was happy for him. Though I was scared that the soon to be Mrs. Zack would hate me like the first fiancée. I bawled like a baby at his wedding and while Willow was with me…she just didn’t get it. Romantic love is her thing. For me, friendship is everything! Zack is one of the few men who is not related to me (and one of only two White Men…shout out to Snack Pack…my other white long term male friend) that I trust wholeheartedly. I was afraid things would change but Zack has managed to keep every promise he has made to me while being an amazing husband! 🙌🏽 2. MEN GIVE THE BEST ADVICE ABOUT OTHER MEN! As long as a man is not interested in a woman romantically, he will be a source of drama free and honest advice that leads to a stress free friendship! No staying up on the phone with a manless girlfriend (or one in a more toxic relationship than you) giving bad advice! No sir! A true male friend is a gold mine filled with glimpses of the very complicated and fragile male ego. I can’t be certain but I’m almost willing to bet that women with male best friends have stronger romantic relationships! 😘 There’s no one to hate on your relationship because they aren’t happy. Men are simple creatures. Does he treat you right and are you happy? Those are the types of questions I’m asked by Zack when I am in one of my new situationships! No need for analyzing every detail of a tragic or made to be tragic situation. 🙌🏽 1. AGE LIMIT! I truly believe to be real male and female friends…you must meet when you are young. At age 18…Zack just made the cut off. At age 20 (once again not a science to this) Crazy and I agree that no straight man just wants to be a woman’s friend and if he is…it’s because she FRIEND ZONED him or in rare instances…he may have friend zoned her…but dudes will still be tempted to smash a chick in the friend zone while women rarely do. ~KJM on Hump Day saying thank you Zack for all the times you told dudes they weren’t good enough for me, the times you showed random strangers my photos and spoke of my beauty, and for all those times you supported me on complete craziness! Because of the man you are….I can still believe in true, trustworthy, respectful, and forever love! Shout to Zack and his wife! 💕
Usually I save these kinds of posts for Hump Day but the urgency is real. In my early 20s, I had the best sex of my life. Shout to Crazy and Phoenix! Then mid 20s to late I did some celibacy years (by choice). At 29, I met the Ex Factor and my sex life got exciting again. He was 20 and full of energy. Not to mention I fell in love before he had even touched me so that first kiss sealed the deal that sexually we were compatible. Feeling like sexual soulmates at one time. 😍 I never had a legitimate orgasm with him but something about my body and his…seemed made for each other. I craved him in a way I craved no other before except…maybe Crazy. Never thought there would be a day where I would rather eat a hot fudge sundae instead of doing him. And my latest climax comes from taking a Bobby pin and scratching in between my tracks! 😍🙌🏽 Hey…that’s better than not climaxing at all right?! Lol. I can feel Harmony tossing and turning in her sleep on the West Coast as a result of the madness I’m spitting! She’s all about the sex and I use to be too! Maybe I just need to have a random fling with someone exciting? 😩 Those days been gone. I reformed about two years ago…so for the first time in a long while I don’t have a dude waiting in the wings. I mean I meet men of all races daily but it takes a lot to catch my attention. Penis alone will not make me cum. At this point, I crave the intellectual stimulation as well as the physical. This is what Phoenix and Crazy had in common…the ability to mentally and physically stimulate me. Crazy was a man of the streets but if he had had the right upbringing….he could have been a brain surgeon or a scientist. That’s what attracted me to Dallas too…his intelligence though we never slept together (even after coming pretty close). It’s tough if that person is your real friend. You don’t want to fuck things up with sex and we knew that. So we did not take it there. Maybe if we had…I would have realized that he was my husband. It was the most dangerous game we were both playing. Had others at home waiting on us plus I had Phoenix too. It was a sexually greedy time. So to tease with him or to get into it but never to seal the deal is probably why he’s so memorable. But I digress back into yesterday’s nostalgia post. 🙄 I feel like I’ve accidentally joined the marrieds. Heck some of y’all may be doing it more than me. In the last four months, the Ex Factor and I have only had sex twice and one of those times was the sleeping Penetration episode and the other time was forgettable because like I don’t remember but I know it happened. Our communication is at an all time low and every day I wake up yearning for someone else. Some man that appreciates me and who would never leave my bed/our bed unless he knew I was satisfied. One thing I can give Julio is he always tried even if I didn’t reach my peak. He tried! But I spoiled the Ex Factor from the jump (big mistake) and now I feel emotionally and physically neglected. I know the two are connected. I don’t feel valued so I’ve lost interest in our sex life. And while he’s patient…he’s a terrible listener. The Ex Factor hears what he wants. And that leaves me dry… still are folks getting a lot of sex? If so write in about it! I want to hear about true passion! Reading about it is better than nothing! Lol. ~KJM is part of the Ain’t gettin none crew on Temptation Tuesday! I’m now living vicariously through my readers. 😘 Feel free to write in if you aren’t getting any either!