Hearts racing. Minds focused. Hormones in the air. We are finally at the negotiation table…unexpectedly of course. In every area of life, I know where my power lies…except for my personal life with the Ex Factor. My love for him was so great that common sense seemed to escape me in the years I have known him. I never realized that I did have a lot of power in my romantic life until recently. 🤦🏽♀️ The Ex Factor was the only guy that I have dated (long term) that I have had to close the pussy shop on (several times in these last couple of years). So here we are negotiating when he had never been willing to before. It actually caught me by surprise because it is so unlike him. He is stuck in his ways. Back to the art of negotiation. Through education and life experiences, I have learned quite a lot about the art of negotiation. When two parties are at a table for long periods of times trying to hash out terms to an agreement…it is understood that they both can value from the relationship. One or both sides may even say what their direct interest is. However, know that there are almost always hidden agendas on both sides. It is very rare for both sides to come to the table clear on all of their intentions. And if an agreement is finally reached…be ware of boilerplate language (small but usually long passages that have the true agendas in them). Many people overlook the boilerplate because it looks like junk at first but as a wise person once said “the devil is in the details.” This can be said in love and in business. Back to the table. I indicated that I need a romantic pause and the Ex Factor in turn was ready to negotiate to prevent the pause. I had something he wanted (right now) though I am unsure of what that is. I, on the other hand, came with my worth in hand. Not purposely. Typically I hid my power from him but now he was speaking my language. An area I excel in. NEGOTIATIONS. 🙌🏽 He gave me his terms and I carefully read them (with my mind only for my heart was already in pause mode from when I made my original request). Now if you are negotiating for a long time with another party and just as you are ready to withdraw…they come up with terms to keep you at the negotiating table….one of two possible things may be happening: (1) The other party already knows your worth to them and has always been willing to meet your demands but wanted it to play out in the general negotiation in case they could gain some favorable terms for themselves without giving away everything to you or (2) IT IS A TRAP and the boilerplate language shows their true intentions. It’s the same fucking terms you have repeatedly rejected dressed up as something else. So you see the devil is in the details. That’s where you will find the true analysis of what your opponent thinks you are worth. Of course, the Ex Factor’s terms were the same ones I had continuously been rejecting outright for the last two years! 🤦🏽♀️ I get why he thinks I would accept them. Unbeknownst to me, I had been accepting these lame ass terms since 2010…dressed up in boilerplate language that would later break my heart. It was easy for him to get all his needs met because I had been foolishly negotiating with my heart and not my mind. 🤦🏽♀️ But this time, he named his terms (or his “last compromise”…as he called it…not sure when his first compromise ever occurred.🙄🤷🏽♀️) in the form of a negotiation! Enter brain, education, and experience.🙌🏽 This made it so easy for me to reject his terms. They were the exact same for the last couple years…with hidden agendas. Nothing in it for me. Not one thing in there for me. And that was clear so I walked away (rather easily) because he was finally speaking a language I understood. When the other side does this…they either do not value you at all or you are worth so much to them that they want you to under value yourself so they can benefit from it. I am not sure which position he has taken and I wasn’t going to stay around to find out. So we are like on our 100th romantic pause. We typically bounce back but just like with Julio…no one ever thought I would leave him. It’s been 9 years now that I lost all my feelings (and attraction) for Julio except as like a distant friend that I grew up with. Ouch. I no longer see Julio as a romantic interest and that day just may come for the Ex Factor. Love can only do so much without ever being watered nor given sunlight. ~KJM on Flashback Friday. All is fair in love and war. 💜
I am having one of those off weeks where I have diarrhea of the mouth. The things I say are so true…that is…my truth as I know it but still not everything should be said. Of course, I have made an art of saying things that should never be spoken. 🤦🏽♀️ According to my mother, I started to perfect this art at the age of one and a half…as soon as I learned to talk. 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🙄😳 Yesterday was a particularly gruesome version of having severe diarrhea of the mouth. I managed to accidentally insult a coworker, annoy my mother, and of course, cuss the Ex Factor the fuck out. 🙄🤦🏽♀️🔪 It was all accidentally…I swear. With the Ex Factor and I, one minute we were laughing at something I sent him and the next we were arguing. Everyone that knows me know that arguing with me is a fight they are going to lose. I am the champ of ‘fuck off where you stand’ mixed with ‘and another thing…fuck you again!’ 🤦🏽♀️ Oh my parents would be so proud?! NOT!!! 🔪 My mother is always telling me that there are certain things you should never say to a man…even if it’s true. If there are ten things you should never ever say to a man…I have said them all plus come up with another ten ball busting sentences that should never be repeated. 👀🙄 Wait…I ain’t never said the baby ain’t yours…it’s your best friends or the mailman’s. 🙌🏽🤣 Yasss…the one ball buster I have never said! 🙄👀🤦🏽♀️ Shit and I better not because my parents would kill my ass for that one! 🔪🔪🔪 Now where was I…oh yea…crushing balls with my six inch heels. 🤦🏽♀️ You may think I am this way because I am an alpha female but that’s only part of it. Like Auntie Iyanla would say…every thing goes back to our childhood pathology. I grew up with my mother, especially her younger version, swallowing every messed up thing my father ever did to her. She would cry and cry and not speak up for herself. As she got older and realized that she’s raising young girls who are looking at her like ‘what the fuck mom’ she started growing a strong vagina. Mama Michaels fought for her independence and held her own…this I am so proud of. Better late than never. 💜 She went from being a battered woman (something I hate speaking about because it’s so hurtful) to being a woman of strength who could raise an alpha female like myself. 🙌🏽 Seeing the earlier version of her…did something to me though. I have had this talk with my father several times. I am not married and do not have children because of what I witnessed in my home. If it is just me…I can travel lite…never staying anywhere long enough for any man to knock out my teeth. Yes…this is a sad reality…for most of the women in my family. I aimed to be the first to live differently. To live for myself. I aimed to be a FREE woman even in love. 🙌🏽 What I have come to find out is…this is no easy task. Even brave me has succumb to doing my best not to hurt the male ego while eating my own feelings…silently. I think no matter how strong we woman are…environment can still affect us. We still live in a patriarchal society. We are still reduced to our virtuous sexuality and reproductive systems. Meaning…no matter what we accomplish…society still ranks us on looks, how loyal we are to our broken men, and our ability to reproduce. 🙄 Patriarchy is so toxic that it still seeps in…no matter how hard we try to fight against it. And so we women eat our feelings…silently…for the male ego. And what does that do for us? Either we get severely depressed or we become raving lunatics who explode for the slightest reasons! 🙄🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️ Fuck, fuck, fuck! 🙄 No matter what you decide when conflicts arise in your relationships….just remember we can only work on ourselves. We can only hold ourselves accountable. Some how we have to find a balance between feeling unheard and being labeled crazy for expressing our feelings. I am not sure what the balance is but I’m still aiming to work on me. To the Ex Factor…I say…I am really sorry for my part of our argument. ~KJM is holding herself accountable on Hump Day. This does not mean he was right nor diminish the things he said. All it does is show my need for growth as a woman.
She looked me in the eyes and told me that after almost forty years on and off…in an abusive marriage…she still had hope that God could turn him around. “There will be a day that the Good Lord will send him back to me…renewed…with his heart clean…as a changed man. And I MAY take him back because I love him. After all he is still my husband.” I was baffled by this confession. Part of me thought how silly can she be. I know him well and I see no change in sight. The other part of me thought….her love and her faith are so much deeper than mine. Yet, I, too wait. A different type of wait but still a dreadful wait. There are days I am armed with prayer that he (the Ex Factor in my scenario) will grow up and learn to appreciate the love he has been given. Then there are days when I get angry and frustrated with both the Ex Factor and God. Why God? HE could have granted me my five year old wish of never loving a man. Until I was twenty nine years old, I always thought I was love proof. And I’m not talking about puppy love like me and Julio. I am taking about the painstaking journey of loving a man unconditionally that refuses to grow up and be a man. I really thought I was going to be the first woman in my family (that I know of) to beat this curse. My five year old self envisioned my older self happy in my career and traveling the world…with only a dog in tow. Big house for just me and my pups. 🤦🏽♀️🙄🤣 Still working on the puppy. I don’t want to adopt one until I feel like I am ready for that kind of responsibility. But back to my five year old self. We had plans and year 29 messed everything up. I wasn’t looking. It was just suppose to be a summer thing. A distraction that has now turned into an eight year distraction. 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🔪 Each year, he grows more immature. The man he is today I would never have fell for. His twenty year old self was more loving, more confident, and more consistent. So I wait. Not purposely. I just don’t believe in being with a man if I’m not in love. I was perfectly happy with what Phoenix and I had. Intellectual and physical passion that occurred once or twice every couple of years. I have known Phoenix since 2004 and never had any real feelings for him…not even the one time I tried to force it. He is just that good, understanding, and sexy friend who turns me on with just his thoughts. Damn Scorpio’s. Always great in the mind and the bed. 🤦🏽♀️😍🤷🏽♀️ That is why I never let him get too close and I controlled all of our interactions for ten years. But the Ex Factor…I didn’t see coming. I underestimated him and eight years later… I am still just as confused as to why I cannot permanently quit him. I would love to say I am just comfortable but nothing about our situation ever brought me the security that comes with comfort. And so I wait…just like her. This is where I got it from…I thought. Yet I see strength in her prayers and in her eyes. I don’t know if I could ever love so openly with that kind of strength. My mind was just not built like that. I am not that strong nor am I that patient. Bring the puppies on! 😍 ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. God bless good women who love beyond destruction and back. Shout out to all the wives and women similarly situated. Never let him break you and always remember that your faith is stronger than him. He is just a man…not God. Only God can give and take true everlasting love. 🙌🏽🙏🏾
One day it was with me EVERY day and the next it was gone. 🤦🏽♀️ POOF! 💨💨💨 And my orgasms were blowing in the wind. 🤷🏽♀️ Like where did my orgasms go? With exception of Crazy from college (sometimes we got to be thankful for male whores), no man has given me an orgasm consistently. In the last 15 years, I have seen my orgasm no more than three times during sex. 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️ NOTE: before the Ex Factor and I had sex…I use to climax just by him slightly brushing my arm or looking at me in a very desirable way. That was when he was a caring person. 🙄 But my vagina digresses. Lol. Back to the issue at hand. I am not even worried about what a man can or can’t do in bed…at least not right now. Lol. What scared the hell out of me is I had not been having orgasms by myself either in like the last 8 years. 👀 After I graduated from grad school and moved back home…I got rid of all my tastefully done porn videos 😇 and GOLD MEMBER…my most famous vibrator that resembled a large gold bullet. 😍 Around that time I started dating the Ex Factor and fell so deeply in love that his touch was enough. That was so long ago. Now his touches are pretty routine and so are my responses to them. 🙄 Still where had my orgasms gone? One day I was ranting to a friend about the Ex Factor and life and she flat out suggested that I chill the fuck out with an orgasm. 🤦🏽♀️🙌🏽🤷🏽♀️ My friend asked me when was the last time I had invested in a vibrator. That is when it dawned on me that it has been almost a decade since I took responsibility for my OWN sexual pleasure! 🙌🏽 Me…not stupid enough to ignore my friend’s advice…started scrolling the internet for the perfect toy. If I was still living in the DC metro…sex shops would be everywhere and I could make my selection in person. DC is just the home of some serious freaks! No wonder the federal government is there! 👀🤷🏽♀️ But I digress again. Instead of purchasing a toy from adult sites like Adam and Eve…I quickly found out that AMAZON sold sex toys! 😍 Yasss🙌🏽 Now I can read reviews, choose the best sex toys, and have them discreetly delivered! 🙌🏽 My building front desk will think I bought household goods from AMAZON when it’s like a big plastic vibrating penis! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽😌😉 Shout out Amazon! Y’all doing big things for sure…and it shows! 😌 After researching for hours (so serious here) I chose two items for my vagina: the mini Shibari (recommended by Harmony) and the Kangaroo Rabbit. The Shibari is for clit stimulation and the Kangaroo Rabbit does BOTH clit and internal vaginal stimulation. My favorite by far is the SHIBARI! 🙌🏽 It serves a dual purpose….back/neck massager and a clit massager! 😍 The reviews were so right…this thing got me climaxing in a minute or less! 🙌🏽 And just like that I’m moving, I am shaking, and I am fucking myself with very little effort! 🙌🏽 Speaking of effort….you gonna have to spend all day with the Kangaroo Rabbit to achieve what the Shibari can do in seconds. I have only used the Kangaroo Rabbit once…that’s how much fucking work it is! After an 11-13 hour work day plus my commute I have no energy to work that hard for an orgasm. I mean…I could just have sex with a man if I want it to be that difficult! 🤦🏽♀️ Plus I truly believe that internal stimulation is meant for a real penis….that can do the job that is. The Ex Factor is bigger than the Kangaroo Rabbit but with my help…the Kangaroo puts in more work. 🤷🏽♀️ Anyways…what was my point? Oh yes! My orgasms are back and here to stay! 😍🌹 Like anything else in life…they went away when I stopped investing in myself and left it all up to a man (not just referring to the Ex Factor here…he’s still in my top three sexual partners…some of y’all ain’t even get an honorable mention). 🤷🏽♀️ ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. Ladies…do not leave a man in charge of your body and your sexual experiences. They will always get theirs…so we better ensure that we get ours! 🙌🏽 Go forth with the Shibari and be free to climax as the wind blows! 😘
This morning…out of nowhere…I looked in the mirror and started to cry. For the first time, I started to recite some words that I don’t think I have ever said out loud to myself. 😩 I’m pretty sure I have written them to you guys but I don’t think I have just said them to MYSELF…out loud. I could hear my voice repeating one of the cold hard truths of my life. I…was…saying…what I could no longer deny. And I cried with the intensity of a baby’s first cry. It was scary yet gave me a sense of relief. If I could not be honest with myself…then who can I be honest with? I needed to accept this truth as it had been relayed to me years ago. I had to ACCEPT it and keep reassuring myself that everything will be alright. It was okay that I only just found the courage to speak this truth. It’s okay that I had huge moments of weaknesses that kept me from being conscious of the mess I had found myself in. The crazy thing is nothing bad occurred to trigger this feeling. It was more like a simple act of another spoke volumes to me. One simple act laid out the unspeakable truth that my mind and my heart had been hiding from me. So I found the courage to recite the words over and over to myself. I found the courage to cry alone. I found the courage to take charge of my life and my happiness. I…found…the courage. Granted…it felt kind of late in life but they always say better late than never. So I cried and recited. Cried and recited. There is power in being honest with ourselves. So I stood in my power and took a deep breath. And a voice said…this is as far as the road goes. Next stop…no clue but it will have to be a place that speaks to the truth of who I am. There is power in acceptance. ~KJM is not in her normal Hump Day mood. Maybe next week… Be blessed in all you do. 🌹
It is rare that I take the time to write you…men…that is…but there’s something brewing in my heart that I just have to say. MONOGAMY IS NOT EASIER FOR WOMEN! There…I said it! And before you start spouting out some biblical nonsense let me take you on a tour of where I’m coming from. When you start to gain weight, start balding, neglect us, abandon us, and disrespect us…monogamy gets even more difficult for us women. We see the hot sexy guys daily too…just like you see the sexy women. We women aren’t blind. We are attracted to more than just our lovers, husbands, and boyfriends. We yearn for hot new sex too! That’s right! Soon…if not already…many of you will start to get plagued with erectile dysfunction while our female bodies ripen and mature…yet we will stay with you and love you through it all. 🤷🏽♀️ When passionate kisses become kisses of routine…many of us will stay faithful. FAITHFUL! Not because of religion. Hell not even because of some vows we said to you long before we knew the real you. We stay faithful because of our strength and our faiths in ourselves. 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽 Even us single and dating women (like myself) will stay by your sides…when you don’t have a concrete plan for us! And why? Perhaps it’s our vision of the children we never asked God for? That is MY greatest reason for sticking with the Ex Factor. I…never…asked the Lord for a child. I wanted my heart and my womb barren but God had different plans for my heart. And then it happened. For the FIRST time (with any man)…I could envision my children with his eyes and his smile. Never before had I dreamt of them. Consciously, I still want to skip motherhood but subconsciously…when I fall asleep with his love in my heart…I become open. I become awakened. I become reborn…in a way I never thought possible. And so I stay faithful even in the darkest hours because God does not fulfill His promise to the weak. 🙌🏽 Wait…let me not make this a religious thing for I have no reason to. I am not a wife. And my reasonings for fighting against cheating (at this point in my life) are much deeper than my faith in God. Perhaps deeper is the wrong word. Perhaps more expansive than my faith in God is the right phrase. I am WOMAN! I am the giver of LIFE. I can destroy or build kingdoms. My expansive view of monogamy has everything to do with my faith in myself. What can I possible teach my children if I am too weak to weather the storms of fatal attractions? What type of person am I if my word is not my bond? Men retroactively think about cheating. Many of them will risk it all for today’s tuna never thinking about the salmon they are going to lose. Women…for the most part…have to be proactive in life. Whether we ever become mothers or not…we are still the givers of life and builders of empires. Our jobs are never done. We are always needed on the front lines of every battle. Women will also fight many battles secretly…. This is who we are. STRONG! BRAVE! DARING! So you see this myth of monogamy being easier for us is just plain stupid. We want the excitement of new lust too. We want to made love to for days…because our bodies are built to do that with very short breaks…if any. We want to taste his lips too. Whose lips? The men that desire us from afar and near. The men who whisper in our ears that they would never abandon us. We need the orgasms. We need to be wanted and desired. We too deserve these things…yet most of us will stick by you ungrateful men! Okay…I know some of you men don’t understand one fucking word I’m saying….so let me break it down in a way you can understand. Pussy is so flexible that I could fuck him and you and you would never know! It’s an elastic band…made to pull back and fit a dick of any size….AND then get back into its original position! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽 That is the true power of pussy my dear! 😘 Now when you mix the flexibility of the pussy….with the male ego…and DING! We are now on fire now. 😳 With just a few “oh baby” and “your dick is so big” many of your egos wouldn’t think we are capable of cheating. 😩🤦🏽♀️🤣 Boy bye! We can fuck y’all in and out of circles! The female body is built that way! Y’all have to stop after an orgasm…we don’t! MULTIPLE ORGASMS! 🙌🏽 Then we at it again.😘 Yo let me take it one step further. Some of the world’s top assassins are women! We naturally know how to fuck you men and then kill you! 🤣 The Woman is a dangerous species. She is kind and loyal…simply because she wants to be. It is just that fucking simple! Your ass is just plain lucky that your woman is faithful because she was built as a natural weapon of mass destruction. 🙌🏽 Feel me? ~KJM on Throwback Thursday! Bow down male hoes…no one is really checking for you. Women are just really loyal to themselves, their dignity, and to the future they have in the palm of their hands. And a smart woman ain’t staying with no habitual cheater…. And if she ever did…you better pray Karma isn’t a bitch! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽
This is a new twisted story of the his hat in my cat. 😇 You are not dyslexic…you read that right. 😉There are times when we women are simply not in the mood for sex. Truthfully, I have a pretty high libido so the only time I really shut my shop and close my puss for a night or a season 😳 is when the Ex Factor puts his foot in his mouth! 🤦🏽♀️ He says something stupid and I dry up instantly! 👀 I tell him…pet the cat, be nice to the cat, tell the cat sweet words, be loyal to the cat (or she could stray), and never forsake the cat. 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽 These are some of my foundational rules to open the pussy shop. All of these rules are based on respecting the essence of my vagina. Ever since I was young, Mama Michaels would randomly yell (and later on when I moved out of my parents house…randomly call to say) that MY PUSSY IS PLATINUM! 🙌🏽 Mom been saying that before platinum jewelry was the thing everyone desired! 🙄 She put me on to my pussy powers way before I fully understood them. Thanks mom! 🙌🏽 But I digress. Back to his hat in my cat! 😉😇 The other night the Ex Factor and I had some bomb ass makeup sex. 🙌🏽 We introduced something new into our sex life…per my request. The Ex Factor and I both know how to signal to each other when we are in the mood for something different. This time I had an idea which I sprang on him in the midst of sex and it worked out well. PUSSY WALLS OPEN! 🙌🏽 Yo…for all of our mess…I am really happy that in 8 years of dating on and off…we still desire each other. We still lust after each other. 💜💜💜 This is why I hate closing the shop on him. 😭 But I got the right to exercise my pussy powers….which according to Mama Michaels…is a birth right for smart women! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽 I mean where would straight men be without the puss?! 🤷🏽♀️ Maybe the land of their hands just fell off (masturbation land) or blue balls city?! 🤦🏾♀️🤷🏽♀️ No matter what…pussy literally and figuratively makes the world go round! We are the givers of life! And they better recognize! 🙌🏽 Now back to these bedroom antics. Ever since I met the Ex Factor, he does two things that turn me the fuck on: when I close up shop…he pays homage to my vagina. If he got to sing to it to open it up…he does it. The Ex Factor lets it be known that there’s nothing like my pussy shop. 😍 And then when I finally let him in…he makes these expressions of deep pleasure. I have never seen anything like it. All my men before, especially Julio, have always told me how great my cat was (without me ever having to ask) but the faces the Ex Factor makes take the cake! 😍 LITERALLY! 😉 I’m like damn bae…it’s really that great? 😍 Better not fuck up then! 🔪😌🔪 In my opinion, at the core of sex is power. When I am posted on top of the Ex Factor….he can’t move. He is under my trance and I fucking love it. Hell…I fucking need that! I need to be in control (most times) in the bedroom. My experiences have taught me that if you depend on a man to guide you through your body…your sexual experience will be diminished! I mean…who knows our bodies like we do? NO ONE! Thus, never leave them in charge of pleasing you! Men need direction at every point in life…ESPECIALLY when it comes to women! 🤦🏽♀️ So be specific when directing your man in the bedroom! 🙌🏽 And don’t be afraid to take charge. Guide them to that G spot…cause most men will be able to find Waldo long before they find the spot that makes us women lose our minds! 🤦🏾♀️ Where the fuck is that dude Waldo anyways?! 🤣🤣🤣 Not really looking for him…but I am looking for my next orgasm! 😉 Now where’s the moral of this tale? Oh yes…sometimes men seem like dogs the way they lust after us. However, if you have been with your man for a really long time…and you still love each other…and you both still really desire each other…open up that cat (upon a respectful request that is AND sometimes impromptu) and let him in. 😍 ~KJM on Hump Day! Hump often, hump in a caring way, and hump consensually! 😘
I recently read somewhere that William Shakespeare said “Expectation is the root of all heartache.” This I have heard before…the theory that if you don’t expect anything from anyone…you won’t get hurt. Shakespeare went on to say that he was “always happy because he did not expect anything from anyone.” Fascinating…and of course I call bullshit.🙄 Why should I not expect my family, my good friends, or even the man I lay with to be there for me? I am a giver by nature and while I learned many years ago to never expect others to do for you what you do for them…I at least set low expectations. 🤦🏽♀️ Perhaps Shakespeare is right and this is the root of all my sadness and disappointments. 😩 Growing up, I would spend hours on the phone with crying friends and rarely got that favor returned when I was hurting. That was okay with me though up until 2009 when my life started to fall apart from every direction. Going through what I like to call “MY Dark Ages (May 2009-May 2013)”, I learned to cry and started to realize that I need people. Only good friends and family please! ✌🏾 And so I started to shed useless friends. Now…every year I evaluate if I’m giving more than I am receiving in my friendships. My real family list gets shorter and shorter every year also. But oh lawd….don’t get me started on my dating life! Not once in my life have I been loved by a man (romantically) the way I needed to be! And this is for my ENTIRE dating life! For example, in the 21 years that I have known Julio…he was only there for me ONCE in life and that was at the very end of my Dark Ages when I split with Mister Toss Salad! Twenty one fucking years! That mfer is so selfish and that’s why he’s still SINGLE to this day….crying about how no woman will stay with him! Bro, could it be that you are a negative, narcissistic, and selfish human being?! 🙌🏽 And to be honest he was only there for me because his life was good at that moment in time and he wanted to rub in what a mess my life was! 🙄 Typical him…SELFISH! Yet I continue to always wish him the best in life and love. ✌🏾Moving on…the Ex Factor was there for me the first two years we were dating (in the midst of the Dark Ages) but I truly believe he wasn’t there because I was hurting. I think he used me to disguise his own hurt from his first girlfriend sleeping with one of his best friends behind his back….after her and the Ex Factor had broken up. With me in the picture, he could prove to the world that no one could hurt him but she did. It would take me years to realize that she destroyed him and that some parts of him were never ever coming back. 😭😭😭 I am not sure if she was his great love but over the last 8 years I get the feeling…he thinks so. Yikes! And 8 years…I am not sure what has kept us connected. While he is the only man I have truly been in love with…my love is not strong enough to keep Kingdoms together like my childhood BFF, Jessica, who always made unconditional love look strong and beautiful.💜💜💜 I have doubts and I have insecurities. My pride rules me most times so whatever that’s kept us connected (may it be good or bad) does not have my love at the center of it. At least that’s how I feel about it. In between Julio and the Ex Factor were just a repeat of selfish men that I spent brief periods of time with…minus Jason, the football player, from college. Back to these low expectations….I carry the weight of my life solely on my shoulders. Never expecting any man to rescue me…though I have had platonic male friends that have been there for me in ways I could never have imagined. I also have amazing female friends that literally held my hands through the dark ages. 🙌🏽 God bless them. Last week, I took a gamble and made a business decision that is costing me. So I’ve been on my couch feeling low all week. Back on the couch! 🤦🏽♀️ Harmony got me to finally leave my apartment and go to the gym yesterday. She’s over 2,000 miles away from me yet she still has the ability to get me off the couch. None of my romantic men ever paid attention to when I was failing at life. Julio would ignore my pain ALWAYS and the Ex Factor would spout some positive words that probably have no real meaning to get me to shut up. 🤦🏽♀️🙄 At least, that’s how I feel about it. So I’m back on the couch and trying to figure out how the hell did Shakespeare manage to have NO expectations of the people around him? Like how? I set the bar pretty low in my romantic life (not in my family nor friend life) and still end up disappointed!!! All they have to do is remember my birthday and most of the time my men (sometimes purposely) forget every year. I would think I am the only one being disappointed by men but I have a bunch of married friends. Looks like it is the plight of GOOD women to give more and receive much less! 🙄 Still Shakespeare…how did you truly expect nothing of others and stayed happy? Lived and wrote in a cave solo?!😳🙄🤦🏽♀️ I mean…I need the playbook. 😩 ~KJM is filled with unanswered questions on Flashback Friday. Between vacations and laying on my couch when I should be making money…writing has become difficult for me. In 2018, I feel so much that I just can’t express. This year is just kicking my ass and giving me that 2013 feeling! 😭 Thanks for sticking with the blog through the good and the bad. And if I had one wish…it would be to have the ability to love in such a strong way that I could keep kingdoms together. 💜 Jessica, you are forever my role model in the area of romantic love.
For a full 48 hours, I laid in my couch. My body was finally ready for a good night’s (and day’s) sleep this weekend. I listened intensely to my body and never left my apartment not once. It was a peaceful (for the most part) weekend until…I heard from the Ex Factor and his spirit began to irk mine. I think something happens when you know someone for a long time whether you are married to them or not. The excitement is out the window and the passion is dwindling…that is if you both do not put work into it. There he was (hungover) from a weekend with his friends and there I was (relaxing and researching vibrators online). 😳👀 Hey did you know that Amazon sells everything…like everything….even speciality items?! 🤦🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️ I had a choice of over 4,000 vibrators/massagers to choose from. 👀 In the last 8 years, I haven’t owned a vibrator but that’s mainly because I moved home after graduate school and thought my very religious mom would not enjoy finding such things in my room. Prior to the last 8 years, I always owned sex toys. I made it a life’s goal to never leave a man in charge of my orgasms! 😘 Moving down south…it was a must! 🙌🏽 So many celibacy years in the south! 🤦🏽♀️ Hence…why I can only love a New Yorker! 😍 But I digress. When I moved to the DC Metro, speciality shops were everywhere so I always bought my toys and videos in person. As I kept moving further south, I had a collection to make my heart and vagina rejoice! 🙌🏽 Oh boy…those were the days. 😘 But I digress again. I met the Ex Factor 8 years ago, as I was moving back up north. I fell so hard for him…that not having my vibrators was okay. Before we even had sex, he use to just look at me and I would climax! 😳 I am so serious! I have never seen so much cum come out of my body like after a date with him where he only held my hands. 💜 I was never a PDA person before him. And if you recall….I can only fall in true love BEFORE having sex. Sex and love have always been separate for me…thanks to Crazy from college. Crazy could bring on multiples on top of multiples of orgasms (during sex with his penis) but even with being dick whipped…I was NEVER in love with him. 🙌🏽 Had mad love for those orgasms though. 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽 Now back to my current situation. Something set me off about the Ex Factor. Maybe it was his breathing?! Perhaps it’s just another midlife crisis meltdown (mine of course)?! Maybe it is a combination of things. No matter what…laying on this couch was not going to help me. In that moment of frustration, I decided to start working out again, work on better sleeping habits, and to try to eat healthier…along with ordering two vibrators for those times I need some relaxation in my alone time. I cannot stress how important it is to be in charge of your own happiness. The Ex Factor, I think, is trying but what am I doing to make myself a better and more fulfilled person? I can go on and blame everyone and everything around me for my moments of self doubt, insecurities, and frustrations or I can get my ass off my couch and revamp my life (and my orgasms)! 🙌🏽 I am choosing the latter. 💜 One more thing….the food we eat, our sleeping patterns, and how much we exercise all affect how we think and feel. If you find yourself getting upset easily or frustrated for no reason…try improving those areas. If none of that helps, please seek medical attention. We all need help sometimes…getting off the couch. One love💜 ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. Yo…shout out to Amazon! What don’t y’all sell?! 👀 And shout out to the state of New York for always showing me love. 💕 May the orgasms be with you all this week!
Sometimes life just echoes itself. No sooner after writing Saturday’s post (about some adulthood truths) did I find myself in a very uncomfortable conversation with my father. Out of all of the children…my brother, Junior, is the most vocal about his relationship statuses. My sister, Brenda, and I have ALWAYS been more low key about our love lives. As a matter of fact, the only guy my parents knew I dated for sure was Julio and that was ONLY because we met when I was 15 and he was 16. This would be one of my biggest regrets. You see when people know details of your personal life…they mistakenly think they get a vote in how you live it out. This is simply not true. The mind your own fucking business act is always in place. Stay in your own lane and worry about your own relationships. Now if you have not been keeping up with this blog…let me refresh your memory. While I am a Daddy’s girl…Daddy was ONLY good to ME! He had never been kind nor caring to anyone else’s daughter…not even my mother! While I have a very complicated toxic relationship with my mother, I don’t ever allow myself to forget about how much abuse she endured from my father and her parents. 👀 The problem with Mama Michaels is she let that toxicity transfer into her relationships with her children….with my relationship with her being the most damaged. While I love my parents dearly, I’m not blind to see that they are both toxic as fuck to each other and everyone around them! 🙌🏽 That is my life truth as I know it. Because of them, I stopped being a child at the tender age of 5! 👀 After witnessing and now understanding what domestic violence means, I told the nuns at my school that I was never getting married nor having children! That was 32 fucking years ago and I have kept my promise! 😳 Yes, once again, I was only 5 years old. 🤦🏽♀️ So it is no wonder there is very little I want to adapt from their marriage and their parenting. Throw the whole damn thing away! ✌🏾My siblings and I can and will do better by the Grace of God! 🙏🏽 Now that we have some background history, let’s go back to the present mess. My Dad was telling me he may go on a road trip with friends to Disney and I said I would love to take an ADULT ONLY Disney trip with my friends. He started questioning why I do not take vacations with the Ex Factor! 😳🙄 I asked him if in the entire 37 years that he has known me and in my extensive dating life…did he not know me to be a loner?! I mean I’ve had friendships for over 20 years and I still don’t bring my friends to family events. Majority of my friends live in different states and countries (like 99% of them) so my fucking vacations are for ME and THEM! ✌🏾 And I am dead ass about that. I cannot tell you how many couples I see fighting while I’m on vacation! I witnessed a particularly embarrassing public argument between a young married couple at the pool when I was in Hawaii. The husband kept yelling “you don’t think I fucking take good care of you?!” 🤦🏽♀️ Child….if that ain’t Jesus asking…I don’t plan on ever having to answer (especially publicly) such a ludicrous and distasteful question! 🔪🔪🔪 Not sure why his balls were hanging so low that day! ✌🏾 My vacations alone or with my friends are everything! 🙌🏽 I am almost positive the Ex Factor feels the same about his friends. The first mistake I made in this conversation with my father was ever addressing it! The second was listening to the bull shit he spat about how I have to change my ways!!!! He said that even if my relationship isn’t that serious…I should be going on vacations with “dates.” ✌🏾 I told him I don’t got to fuck at every port I arrive at like he does! 🙌🏽 And that is not because of my love for the Ex Factor! It is because of my love and respect for my fucking self!!! Plus I reminded him that even though men cheat more….most men are horrible in bed no matter the age! Most of these dudes getting fucked for money, pension plans, shopping sprees, or just as a plain old pass time like baseball use to be to America. 🙌🏽 Mistresses are out there to use a motherfucker! They taking the ragged cheating dicks because they got bills to pay. Morale of the story…don’t get hyped about new pussy. It almost always comes with a price! 🙌🏽 After I laid into his ass, my father had the nerve to hit me with…”I got it….I don’t have to save for a wedding for Kingston!” 🙄 That is when I felt tears well up in my throat. Let me get this fucking straight?! He taught me how to be free thinking and independent yet when I exercise that right my entire fucking life…my life is nothing without a man to go on vacations with?!! Get the fuck out of here?! Daddy proceeded (like some of my single male friends have before) to tell me that I’m exactly the type of woman he would never date!!! Oh really?! You mean the type a bitch that won’t let a man beat or cheat on her? The type of bitch that got her own? The type of bitch that feels love is a choice and not a fucking necessity?! The type of bitch that works hard? The type of bitch that can be in a boardroom with 20 penises and not be interested in fucking one?! Yea I am the bitch. 🙌🏽 And you helped create her. Now stay in your fucking lane and proceed with caution because my personal life is exactly that…MINE! ~KJM is heated on Charm School Monday! Long live the feminists! And even if you aren’t one…long live men not being a god damn necessity but a bad choice many of us make over and over again.👀 I may not be the best at relationships but I pack light and I am always ready and willing to leave the port and set sail on a new adventure without a man! 🙌🏽 Same OG since I was 5! Only God can work on me…if HE sees the need to. 😇