Ugh…just when I thought Spring was officially here (it is almost May), my area got hit with more below freezing temps! This was after two days of being in the 80s!!! 😳 My poor body went into complete shock. One day summer and the very next…winter. Because of the long lasting cold spell…my winter blues have turned into spring blues. The extra sunlight helps but my needing gloves in the morning sends me into a sad mood. I have started to work out a bit on the very bad days. Sunday was one of them. Woke up feeling like I had not accomplished much in life and felt this overwhelming sadness hanging over me. Winter blues are hard to explain if you have never experienced them nor some form of situational depression. It is crippling. It is frustrating! And even when I do some of the things that typically brings me pure joy…I still feel anxious. I have been this way since October! 😳 This is how global warming can affect our lives from many different angles. I am in a never ending (at least it feels that way) winter. Are any of you that suffer from winter blues having similar experiences? Please let me know. Besides exercising and meditation, I keep reminding myself that everything will be okay. I have some heavy family stuff going on that feels like it’s been drowning me since January. Couple that with lots of misunderstandings and unspoken words with the Ex Factor and my need to find a new career…and…well…my cup is just pouring over. I am not checking in on folks as much as I usually do. I AM CHECKING IN ON MYSELF! 🙌🏽 You cannot help anyone if all of your resources are depleted. Please remember that. You must be completely whole (mind, body, and spirit) before you can put that S back on your chest and try to save the world. 🙌🏽 Where is Spring? She is my favorite season. A season of rebirth. A season of hope. Her delay is my delay. And so I push on. Longing for her warmth. Longing to be whole. ~KJM on Charm School Monday.
Now before I get into the quality of the “trout” I want to be completely honest with you. This is one topic I am bias in (I just think most women are amazing and these men are tripping) but because I have some pretty nice male friends and associates…I am willing to explore my bias. I always think that EVERYTHING (including dating) is easier for men! I mean come on! There is always some woman ready to sacrifice her soul for a man! 🤦🏽♀️ Men are typically the first to move on from a break up and have a new chick on arm.😩🔪 So when I hear single professional “seemingly sane” men complaining that they are having a hard time meeting great women I just roll my eyes. 🙄 I generally think they are probably selfish narcissists who have put many women through hell in their present AND past lives! 😳🙄😩✌🏾 But I digress. Because I do have many amazing male friends, like my BFF, Zack, who is happily married…I’m willing to cross over into the jungle of single men and try to see some things from their point of view. The few conversations I was able to have in detail last week were intense! Yo! I forgot men have feelings! Shout out to my numb boo! Love you Ex Factor! 😘🙄 There are some dudes who are eager to care about some woman out there! 😳 Here are some of complaints that I continuously heard from single men: (1) too many women live their lives like they are reality stars, (2) women do not want to work 😳 (3) unfaithful women (I’m well aware that more women cheat than society thinks), (4) dishonest women, (5) financially irresponsible women (no smart man wants a woman who can only blow his money and not build on it), (6) women only want men that make a certain amount of money, and (7) women really do not want what they say they want (mainly chasing the wrong kind of dudes). Okay, I am willing to admit that the men have some points here but I just don’t know…maybe because I am a woman I think that the women they are describing are rare and that these men may be only going after the same types of women. Here is my top 5 recommendations to single successful responsible men ready to commit to a good woman: 5. YOU ALWAYS FALL FOR THE SAME TYPE: my men have some similarities but in general besides their birth sign (damn Sagittarius🙄😩) they are quite different. Meaning each of the relationships failed for unique reasons. Guys, if you always seem to meet a hot gold digger….perhaps that is who you truly want? I’m not gonna lie…I love my men hot (though not prettier than me 🤣 cause then they would be straight trouble lol), tall, athletic, black or brown, and educated! Over the years though, I have definitely dated outside of some of my preferences minus the black or brown thing. That seems to be one of my dealbreakers. LOVE MY BROTHERS! 😘 I have dated leprechauns, unattractive men, non Sagittarius men (which turns out to be an even bigger mistake lol), and guys without a formal education. Shout out to my good with their hands guys (pun intended)! 😉 But I digress. Guys, are you going after the same type? If so…switch it up. 4. THE PLACES YOU MEET WOMEN! If you are always meeting your women in a bar or club you may want to go elsewhere. 🙌🏽 Nothing wrong with these places as I know many couples who got married after meeting in such a setting but if you are looking for a religious woman…and that is a dealbreaker for you…the club isn’t going to be the place to find her unless you like looking for a needle in a haystack! 🙌🏽 While there is no perfect place to meet someone that will guarantee forever bliss…it’s good to keep your eyes open everywhere. Don’t overlook the sexy librarian! Lol. That brings me to… 3. PAY ATTENTION! Single men, there are probably so many women trying to get your attention but because they may not be your “type” you are missing out or you are all the way slipping by not paying attention to their cues. Now I’m a direct woman. I do not flirt…ever!!! When I want a man…I flat out say it. Eight years ago, I slide into the Ex Factor’s DM and told him…I WANT YOU! 🙌🏽 No mix signals there. Some women are hunters but most aren’t! 98% of women won’t be this direct because they think it’s chasing a man! But it’s not. I give the GREEN light that I am interested and it’s up to the man to close the deal. And that’s just what the Ex Factor did! My pussy is NEVER included in the hunt. No judgement here. Just the way I roll. Fellas, most women will flirt (if interested) and the flirting may not be in a sexual manner. She may be your neighbor who is constantly asking you to fix stuff even though your Landlord is responsible for that stuff! When in doubt….just ask her! Pay attention and the universe may just bless you with a good woman! 2. SINGLE MOMS! Lately, there has been a lot of discussions on social media about how single dads feel they are entitled to swim in the young single woman with no children pool but single moms are highly discriminated against and are considered damaged! 😳🔪🔪🔪 A man with children is a dealbreaker for me! ✌🏾 Everyone is entitled to their personal preferences. However, some of the good women that you guys seem to be missing may be single moms pond! If you are a good single man with a big heart that wants a family someday…please do not ignore the single moms pool! These types of women most likely know how to commit and raise a child. Single moms are typically serious about dating. They have no time for senseless and pointless bed hopping for they have children to raise! 🙌🏽 I know this is not the ideal situation and that it may not be your preference but you can tell a lot about a woman by how she raises her child! I would say the same about single dads but most women ignore the fact of whether the single dad is a good dad to a child he has with another woman. For example, Ciara and Future! Everything she needed to know about Future was written in his past with his numerous baby mamas! And everything her current husband, Russell, saw in Ciara was probably written in the present of how she raised her child! They are now a happily married blended family! Of course there are exceptions to the rule but parenting can tell a lot about a person. 1. ARE YOU REALLY READY FOR A GOOD WOMAN? I am the queen of asking for stuff I am not truly ready for just because they are not currently being offered to me! 🤦🏽♀️ So no judgement on this one. Just more of a mental exercise. Do you really want a good woman or are you still chasing the bag girls? Is physical attraction the number one trait that you look for in a woman? Does she need to be runway model size? Let’s get even deeper. Are you healed from your past hurts…childhood and romantic relationships? If not, are you working on your stuff? In counseling? Are you hell bent on making all women pay for one woman’s mistakes? I have to ask these questions because society is highly critical of women and not men! A man can walk around with a huge pot belly and five kids and still think he is entitled to every single non child having successful beautiful woman! 🔪🤦🏽♀️😩 Society does not allow women to be this delusional! Women, for the most part, are very careful and strategic about where we “shoot our shot!” 🙌🏽 Men, however, are taught to aim their sperm anywhere towards any woman. They are always encouraged to “shoot their shot” even if they are not mentally, financially, physically or emotionally ready. 😳😩🙄🤦🏽♀️ It is still a man’s world (don’t know why 🤷🏽♀️) but that shit still ain’t nothing without a woman! 🙌🏽 That is…if you are a straight man but I digress. Lol. BONUS: if none of these things apply to you…maybe it is just not your time yet. Society tells that to women all the time! Ugh…it’s frustrating for sure. Just keep being the great guy you are and stay open to unexpected blessings! 💜 ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. We all need to be in fucking therapy! Lol.
THE CRIME AND THE CONVICTION (Kingston enters the room): Tear drops. A tear dropped and all of a sudden I was falling apart. My murderer had just exited the room and I was now bawling. He is possibly my one and only love and so far the greatest love I have ever known. While in the same room with him…I held my own. You see…I never let him see me cry. But once he walks out…the tears drop and my secret is now exposed. Strong independent fierce me is scared of losing a man…just this one man. A man whose feelings for me are dead upon arrival. Hardly anyone knows my secret for I could always keep a man for a very long time. I am beautiful and successful yet one of the few things society notices about me is how long I can keep a man! They piss on my degrees and shit on my career but oh that Kingston would not be that memorable if she could not keep a man! As the years go on, the whispers get louder. She can keep them but boy she can’t get them to close the deal! No one really listens to me when I say that I never wanted to be married nor have children. No one pays attention to the fact that I have had many suitors that wanted to spend their lives with me. All society cares about is the fact that I am now an unmarried woman of a certain age with no children. Barren…they call me behind my back. BARREN! As in nothing grows there! No one knows for certain if this is true…least of all me yet the whispers haunt me to the point where I start to believe their lies. A woman ain’t shit without a man who claims her…they say. I stand there frozen with my degrees in one hand and my career in the other. Puzzled. Essentially made to feel barren. I sure can keep a man but I can’t get him to worship me. I cannot get him to stop seeing my strengths as weaknesses. Make your man feel like a man…they say. If I cannot do this then I am a failure. Then the next stage of torture begins. MOVE ON…they say. Find a man who can commit and give you children…they all chant. Never asking if my womb is even open to interpretation. My interpretation. They make my love fluid as if it can transfer to any penis ready to commit. Never mind that there is something about him that made me stay. Never thinking for a second that my mind, body, and soul are not for sale. I am not livestock for men. I belong to me!!!! I am still the master of my own destiny. I am still KINGSTON JAEL FIRST OF HER NAME, QUEEN OF HERSELF FROM THE ISLAND OF JAMAICA, AND OF THE HOUSE OF MICHAELS. I am a queen. In my heart, I have always known this. Why then would I allow society to question my every move and allow him to attempt to murder my soul? Why would a fiercely independent woman do this? I went to a party once and they were serving something called Kool-Aid. Many had grown up drinking it but it was never served in my home. Instantly, I did not like the look of it but everyone else was happily drinking it. Who wants to be left out? No one. So I sip…but am careful to not gulp it like others around me. The Kool-Aid has the taste of desperation, loneliness, and complacency. Yet I continue to sip. Making a face I think…maybe it is an acquired taste? Maybe I will get use to it? Finally I start to feel sick and I stop sipping. He is standing over me now and I can feel the tears in my throat. Kingston, be strong….I think. Demand your worth! And if he walks out and never comes back…your life will be full no matter what. There will be love…maybe not romantic love…but the strongest love of them all…SELF LOVE! You can walk with your head held high and not have to worry every moment of the day that his emotionally unavailable self will abandon you! You can decide to not be part of the flock that blindly follows the shepherd. You can dare to be different. You can ask for your worth AND more…just like a man would do…while maintaining your womanly strengths. You can be unapologetically brilliant in a room filled with people. You can stand alone. It would be misleading of me to not point out how terrifying this all is. Who will stay with me as I age? Who will remind me that I am great and perfectly made on the days I doubt myself? Who will leave the singles pity parties behind and join me on my island of one? Who will bravely step forward and remind me that it was his loss…not mine….if he does not return with a brand new attitude….one of gratitude, love, and respect? Who will laugh with me? Who will cry with me? Who will help me celebrate my strengths? He exits the room and I start to cry. Not one of those begging my lover to come back to me cries….but one of those cries of exhales. I am breathing. Exhaling. Crying. I am standing up. I am throwing the fucking Kool-Aid down the sink. I am exhaling again…this time effortlessly. And now I’m dialing the number of the one person in the world that understands my struggles the most. I am calling for reinforcement. I am calling Harmony. And I am now sipping a glass of moscato wine. I was never meant to drink the Kool-Aid. I am wine…getting better with age. THE EXPUNGEMENT (Harmony enters the room): WOMEN
So there’s a saying behind every great man is a strong woman but there is no saying about who stands behind that strong woman. I think it is her girlfriends. It is the people she surrounds herself with. It is the people who tells her she can when she thinks she can’t. It is the people who tell her she’s beautiful when all she sees is ugly when she looks in the mirror. It is all the people who still believe in her when she cannot or does not believe in herself. Strong fiercely independent women have a struggle. It is a secret many do not want to talk about. In this secret dungeon…they seek love, acceptance, companionship, and sometimes maybe even something more than that (that is if she is daring enough to ask for what she is truly worth and more)…. but they’re so busy giving away all of themselves that sometimes they forget about self care. If more women took the time to love, support, hold up one another, celebrate each other’s accomplishments, and compliment a stranger (who is really her sister in this struggle)
on ANYTHING about herself…we could exhale beautifully together. In this exhale lies encouraging words that maybe no one has told her today or in her entire life…that TOGETHER WE MAKE EACH OTHER BETTER! Maybe she…we…really need to hear that. It is so hard to be a successful woman especially when you are a party of one! No partner in sight. No partner to make society feel comfortable about her “successful” existence. If a woman does not have the validation of a partner…she becomes an unwanted invisible being or comic relief for other women who sold their souls to be men’s livestock and are now secretly regretting it! I know this for I live it everyday. People look at me like I have failed in some kind of way. My education…my degrees that hang on the wall somehow make me less than…because I don’t have a husband…AND I don’t have a child. But I don’t want either one of those things. I want the man who will love me, support me, and appreciate the fact that I went to professional school and EARNED my degree. I, HARMONY FIRST OF HER NAME, QUEEN OF HER LIFE, OF THE HOUSE OF HER FAMILY, EARNED HER DEGREES AND CAREER WITHOUT HIS NAME! That is my family’s legacy…not his. This is the only man that I can love…one who loves me for who I truly am. I will accept nothing less. The lucky man who gets me needs to be 700 kinds of shades of special because I am not willing to settle. I would rather be alone. There! I said it! The thing that single women are not suppose to utter. I let my secret out. The secret that I would rather never have known the intimacies of that kind of true relationship than to give up any part of myself to have a relationship that is less than what my soul desires. Hell…my soul demands it! The thought has crossed my mind that this man may not exist…for me. And then what?! I have finally accepted that one day I may join the masses and succumb to the misconceived notion that a woman is nothing without a husband. I will drink the Kool-Aid and join lost women everywhere…drowning in the notion that I cannot be great by my fucking self! I hope that day never comes…for any of us…my fellow strong independent women. But right now my story continues. Bravely. Wrapped in self love and self care. However, this journey is not without its challenges. Currently, I am into someone. I like him a lot…more than any other person I have liked in a long time and he is scared of being hurt! I don’t know what to do about that. I have made myself vulnerable. I have put myself out there with respect to my feelings for him. And I think that scares him. I have told him I am complicated. He has told me he likes that about me. I have told him I am into him…and every time I feel like we are making progress… he pulls away. I don’t want to scare him. Hell the feelings I have for him scare the shit out of me. But I am strong enough to stay any course without sacrificing myself like a lamb. I don’t know how to reassure him that I don’t intend to hurt him. Yet I am so frustrated that I have to be held accountable for his heart and mine! While I don’t have a lot of experience in relationships, I know I am strong, fierce, and independent enough to weather any storm of love. I will not blow away at the first sign of a strong wind. Hell a tornado could come and if the love is that supportive…that honest…that raw…that true…and that passionate…I promise you I will be the last woman standing! Stand I will…without compromising the qualities I love about myself…for I do not know how to do it any other way. I am not the girl who will play dumb to make any man feel better. In fact, I am the girl who will throw my education, my vocabulary, and my degrees right in your face. If he is man enough…he will catch them and fucking celebrate my achievements for it is nothing less than what I would do for him. I will not be his cheerleader while he stands in my bleachers dismissively….weakened by my inner and outer beauty while a storm brews around us. He must be wise and caring enough to cheer me on too! Am I being unreasonable here? Society whispers YES but my gut tells me NO. My instincts tell me that I am worthy of all of these beautiful things. And what if I do not receive them? Well this may mean that I am single forever. I am OK with that but my parents are not. I’m struggling to find the balance between what I want and need. I don’t want my parents to worry about my ability to survive without them, but I need them to appreciate that I am not going to settle. I do not want the lives they created for themselves. I want to do better! And I have always fucking hated Kool-Aid that others have already drank. I would rather be a cold can of Bud Light …popped open for the first time, quenching the thirst of only one man…the only man that was deserving of me. ~KJM and Harmony on Charm School Monday. As long as I have friends like Harmony, I will be okay no matter what happens with the Ex Factor for he is not the main source of my happiness and I will no longer allow him to be the main source of my unhappiness. My love is real and it is raw. I am not one of those women who will settle just for a man that wants me. I choose who is deserving of me and I will put a foot so high up his ass if he ever starts slipping. Society takes a man’s love so seriously (for he is not suppose to fall in love all the time) yet makes a woman’s love so fluid…like that love can transfer to any man ready to commit with a good resume! This is simply not true for strong women. We love who we love and no matter what happens he cannot destroy us for our source of happiness, strength, power, and intelligence never came from him. Self love and sisterhood are what it is all about! To my sisters in the struggle, may we continue to support each other no matter the storms that come. Harmony you are beautiful and you are intelligent! No matter what happens with this new guy…I’m here for you! Together…we are unstoppable. One love 💜
Happy Hump Day Everyone! Spring has been very delayed…thus my winter blues have continued. I have not felt like blogging much this week. However, when I am present…I’m all the way in. 🙌🏽 Today I want to discuss a topic that I find highly interesting: The Doggy Style position! It use to be my second favorite position with the Ex Factor but as the years went on…I sometimes found myself dreading it! 😩 I have always known that sex is a form of communication but only recently did I realize that the type of Doggy Style position we experience with our partners reveals so much about our daily lives! Here are my top 5 Doggy Style position communication tips: 5. THE RAM IT IN (WITH NO LUBE)! Fuck. Doggy Style can put you and your partner in a very erotic zone but timing is everything! If that pussy ain’t wet…I mean extremely wet…then Doggy Style is gonna rip her pussy apart! It is not a foreplay position! ✌🏾 It is a “you warmed up the cold car and that car (her vagina) is now ready for a long distance drive by a very well trained driver!” Ramming your dick into dry pussy should never be a thing! From the back…that shit can land a chick in the hospital! Be gentle and watch your timing! COMMUNICATION TRANSLATION: if your boo is ramming it in and hurting your ass…he’s most likely selfish and you guys are probably not on the same page in life. ABORT MISSION! ✌🏾✌🏾✌🏾I would say stop sexing him but if you still want to…serve him up some of that same old tired missionary position. He earned it! 😩🙄🙌🏽 4. THE OOCH OOCH OUCH! Yikes. This one irritates my soul. He sticks it in…it slides out. He tells you that you need to arch your back more…never thinking that this is all happening because of his extra tiny penis or his lack of maneuvering skills! 🤦🏾♀️ Your partner is placing the blame on you and this Doggy Style is just lost in translation! 😩 Each stroke either hurts you or barely feels like penetration. COMMUNICATION TRANSLATION: you guys are either drunk, don’t know each other well, or are unsure of where this relationship is going. He is sticking it in when your vagina is forcing him out. You guys cannot get one stroke in unison. 🤦🏾♀️ This is one of those teaching moments…that is if you guys are patient and willing to learn it each other’s bodies. Inhale and exhale together. The mission is to get to the mountain top together. But first you must acknowledge the disconnect. Reconnect slowly and build up the trust that is needed to execute the Doggy Style position effortlessly. 🙌🏽 3. THE DEAD UPON ARRIVAL! 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️ Ugh. Fuck. Some men love the Doggy Style position so much that they cum at first thrust! 🖕🏾 Sir, why would you want to do a position that only satisfies you? Selfish prick! COMMUNICATION TRANSLATION: He is either very selfish, has some medical issue (does he cum quickly in general?), or all of the above. ABORT MISSION!✌🏾✌🏾✌🏾 Only he is going to get his in that 30 seconds of thrusting. Now he may just be in love with your pussy from that angle but since he knew it wasn’t going to be fun for you…nor satisfying…it’s safe to say he was only focused on his orgasm! ✌🏾2. THE BACK THAT ASS UP! Now we are getting somewhere! Stroke for stroke…rhythm for rhythm you and boo are getting it in! Shit…yall have even managed to occasionally reach the mountain together! You in a real Juvenile (the rapper) video! 😍 COMMUNICATION TRANSLATION: you and your partner have reconnected! Whether you were in the process of getting to know each other or your out of the bedroom communication was at an all time low….working through the disconnect actually made you guys closer! Orgasms for everyone! No more ooch ooch ouch!✌🏾 There’s a new rhythm method in place and your Doggy Style is under new management much like your out of the bedroom communication! 1. THE FACE DOWN…ASS UP! Yasss🙌🏽 Child when y’all get to this style…you not only love the Doggy Style but you are requesting it day and night! You and your partner are so in sync that you have not only perfected the position but you have added new twists to it that brings you both extreme pleasure. He now knows (per your instructions and moans) when to thrust in deeper and when to stay at a certain level to bring you ecstasy! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽 You two are not just in it for your own orgasms but you are also in it to please each other. COMMUNICATION TRANSLATION: your communication has greatly improved outside of the bedroom and that has translated into an orgasmic experience in the bedroom. This is a place where there is no faking orgasms nor pretending something feels good when it doesn’t! You guys have worked so hard to get to this point that you only want to share this experience with each other! I think this position is even more rewarding when there has been some rough patches in your relationship. This is the fruit of your labor! Enjoy every bite! 😘 ~KJM on Hump Day. The longer you are with someone is the more you may experience one or all of these “communication styles.” Last week…the Ex Factor and I made it back to “The Back That Ass Up” Doggy Style position! 🙌🏽 It’s taken us years to get back here. It remains to be seen though if we will ever make it to the “Face Down…Ass Up.” That’s where the real work lies. Hump often, hump safely, and hump with care and consideration.
There are some weeks when I feel so mentally exhausted that I have very little content to share with you guys. Then there are some weeks I am on fire and the blogs are just pouring out of me. This is one of those pouring out of me weeks and this will be one of the most important blogs you have ever read. Relationships are complicated! No one will ever have the secret to what makes one work. When it comes to relationships…it’s all trial and error. Those that live to tell the stories have serious battle wounds and are left with scars that either numb them, destroy them, or give them the survival tools that they pass on to generations to come. I cannot tell you what to do in your relationships (family, friends, romance etc) but I sure the hell can advise you of what NOT to do! In my family, we have a running joke called 1979. Whenever Papa Michaels utters this year…we children know he is about to go on a hours long rant filled with sadness, anger, frustration, and hurt. You see…1979 is the year he met Mama Michaels and inherited one of the shittiest bunch of in-laws (not all but most). To be clear, my mother also got unlucky with my father’s side of family but her side are parasites! Public parasites! At least my dad’s unsavory family members usually crawl in a hole and don’t bother us…but my mother’s side 😳 are educated extortionists! 😳😐🙃🙄 I have seen them in action my entire life! 🤦🏽♀️ Ugh. They are like a bout of herpes that no amount of medication can control. Reoccurring. Classless. Blood thirsty. Money hungry. And those are some of their better traits. 🙃🤦🏽♀️ But I digress. Back to 1979. My dad is not a drinker so when he brings up 1979 you can feel his pain and disappointment. At least if he had bumped into trash while being on a drinking binge one could understand joining such a family. But no! Daddy don’t drink so he entered the depths of hell SOBER! 😳 🤦🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️ 1979 was the year he messed his life up. Papa Michaels always says the only good thing that resulted from what started that year…are his children. 🙌🏽 Love you Daddy! 💜 Now why is 1979 so important for you? It was the start of a mindset of not letting go of a painful past. When Daddy says 1979…there’s no challenging him because he is about to list every grievance my mother and her family has ever committed against him and his children. Papa Michaels is essentially trapped in 1979. It’s like he wants to go back and grab his dignity and run. My Daddy’s memory is sharp as hell and his stories are bold, honest, and reckless at times. While not together, this year my parents have been married for 35 years and known each other for almost 40 years! 😳 That is a long time to hold onto 1979. A long time to be stuck! A long time to not let go of crimes against his humanity. A long time to continue on a marriage while forgetting no indiscretion. 🙄 My mother does not let go of anything either but she’s not the most truthful person so her “truths” do not haunt her the way they haunt my father. Papa Michaels made a million wrong turns in his marriage but he was in it for the long eternal forever that couples promise to when they marry. 😭 I believe it or else he wouldn’t keep soberly mentioning 1979 like he’s in some drunken stupor. 🤦🏽♀️ My father is enslaved by the pain of a marriage that just did not work. I feel it for him. But I also took a lot away from our 1979 conversations. First, family has no business in your relationship (unless abuse is involved). My parents did not remember to protect their marriage. Both sides knew every sin the other had committed. 🤦🏽♀️ Most people know to protect the secrets of their marriage….meaning telling your family every single thing (even when dating) is not the way to go unless you are in trouble and are asking for help!🙌🏽 When you have long forgiven your lover…your family (especially your parents) may still be holding a grudge. Sometimes for years or forever! 🙄😳 Even some friends will hold grudges which is why I only have two married friends (Grace and Nicole) and my brother (who is an exceptional peacemaker and forgiver) that know EVERYTHING about the Ex Factor and I. I don’t even blog about 70% of our issues….though it may seem I do. I only blog about things that I think can help others but I have to try to protect US just in case we make it! 🙏🏽 Some days I do a better job of protecting us than others. 🤷🏽♀️ But I try. Second, if you are going to stay with your partner…you must learn to forgive AND forget! I know easier said than done but you must try. 1979 did not just destroy my parents’ inner peace but it helped destroy their marriage! Lawd knows I have a long list of grievances against the Ex Factor but every time I hear 1979…it reminds me that I better get right and snap out of it. That brings me to… Third, love cannot survive and thrive if you are traveling with baggage and are doing nothing to unpack it! 🙌🏽 I don’t care if you had the baggage before or during your current relationship…drop that shit off at the next corner! Fourth, at the heart of the 1979 speech is the argument of “my partner is wrong and I am right!” Being right all the time is a lonely road to walk down…for no one is always right. Challenge yourselves during disagreements to work on what YOU could have done better! 🙌🏽 Everyday this notion is a struggle for me but I still aim to be a better version of myself. Lastly, if “1979” did not break you then why are you walking around broken? Each day we get another chance to get things right. Accept what you cannot control and work hard to get right what you can. Relationships are nothing without compromise, errors, disagreements, continuous positive and healthy communication, love, trust, and the self awareness to know that we too have to work on our stuff. You are responsible for your own happiness…not your partner. You cannot change them but you can change yourself! 🙌🏽 There is so much significance in 1979 but very little of it, for me, actually has to do with the events that took place that year and the years following it. 1979 is my constant reminder to “let go and let God!” 🙏🏽 ~KJM on Throwback Thursday. Daddy, you inspire me through your words of wisdom about 1979. When I hear that year…I just know that God is still in control. I love the Ex Factor enough to look pass the hurts he has dealt and start anew everyday. I pray he does the same for me. This mind frame is a process. It is a purposeful journey where some days I shall fail and others I shall be triumphant. 2010, the year I met the Ex Factor, shall not repeat the sentiments of 1979 but I could not have gotten here without 1979. There is a blessing in every lesson. 💜
I have heard the phrase “single husband” tossed around a lot lately. 😳😳😳 Is this really a thing? Since the dawn of time singles want to be married while some of the marrieds are dying to be single. We always feel the grass is greener on the other side. So what do we do? We all peer out of our windows staring at our neighbors brown grass that only appears green from a certain unrealistic view. That’s like when I eat two bags of chocolate and pretend there’s more nutrients in them than fat. 😩🙄 Still the old school married folks dealt with the sudden urgency of wanting to be single with either a good old fashioned divorce or staying together until a hateful death did them part. 🙌🏽THIS GENERATION though…they love the “gray” areas of “it’s complicated,” “we are together but are not really together,” and apparently “THE SINGLE HUSBAND!” 😳 WTF?! How can a legally married man be considered single? Bruh, I got nothing for the single husbands…that is for their legally married wives to figure out! ✌🏾 However, I can guide the single women being taken for a spin by these fools. Here are some tips for dealing with a “single husband”: 5. HE IS STILL LEGALLY MARRIED! Baby girl sometimes they won’t tell you that they are married but the good thing is a marriage license is PUBLIC RECORD! That’s right. You are a Google away or a courthouse trip away from finding out if your new man is in fact a married man! I suggest all single and dating women do this. One can hide a girlfriend but you can’t hide a wife unless a bish just ain’t looking! 🙌🏽 If your new man is in fact married…drop him where you found him. No happiness can be gained when your treasure is found in another woman’s backyard! 🙌🏽 4. LEGAL SEPARATION! A legal separation, to my knowledge, is also filed in court and is public record. Some folks will disagree with me here but A LEGAL SEPARATION IS NOT A DIVORCE! 🙌🏽 Those married couples could reconcile! If you meet a man in this position, tell him to holla at you when his divorce is final! If you did not hear me before…let me put it differently. No happiness can be found in another woman’s recyclables. Child, wait til she has legally thrown it all out before you jump in to claim her trash! 😩 Remember that KARMA is and will always be a bitch. 3. BREAKING UP A MARRIAGE IS KARMA TO THE FULLEST! I don’t know about you but I don’t want to be responsible for breaking up anyone’s marriage. If I met him when they are divorced…that’s different. However, if you are tempted to “date” a married man…remember if he was trouble for her…he will be double the trouble for you! 2. SIDE PUSSY SYNDROME! There are some women out there that never want to take the “single husband” away from his wife. They just want money and sex. To those women I say, use your Pussy mileage points some place else. ✌🏾Cash them in anywhere but with someone else’s husband. No amount of money nor borrowed dick can be worth the drama you are about to put yourself through! There are STDs out there! And if you aren’t scared of that there’s a little known show called “SNAPPED” and an entire channel called “ID!” Baby girl, don’t find yourself with a starring role on either! 😳 1. YOU CANNOT DATE A MARRIED MAN! Well now we are getting to the “meat” of things! There is no such thing as dating a married man! That fool has a full blown wife somewhere! This means you cannot legally claim him! 🙌🏽 If he drops dead tomorrow and is worth anything…his wife gets it! A mistress probably won’t even get his coupon book from Costco! 😳😩 Child…Costco membership declined! Only his wife can reactivate that! 😘 Any woman who knowingly entertains a “single husband” is delusional to think he is her boyfriend. He is a married man! If you ain’t the wife…you ain’t nothing! I don’t care how many dating profiles he puts up nor how many numbers he receives….he is taken. He is taken in the eyes of God AND the law! 🙌🏽 I don’t know about you but I’m not trying to mess with either! 😩 ~KJM spitting some knowledge on Hump Day. To all the single husbands out there, it is either you are married or single. There is really no in between. You feel me?! ✌🏾✌🏾✌🏾
This morning I awoke to the news of Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan Tatum’s loving separation after nine years of marriage. My heart broke for them and their daughter, Everly. A seemingly “perfect” couple decided that love may be taking them in different directions. “Two best friends lovingly deciding to separate” is how I think they put it. So many questions raced through my mind. On screen and in their public life they seemed to have so much love and sexual chemistry. They definitely have money and they never gave me that odd “Hollywood Couple we are faking being in love though we cannot stand each other vibes.” So like what happened? Why did we not see this coming? Better yet why are we so invested in other people’s relationships…whether they are Hollywood couples or not? Could it be that we want to see one success story so that we too can pull through the hardships of long term commitment? We all secretly want to know that it is possible to love forever. Do I believe in eternal love? Yes! But that does not mean that you will be with that person forever. Trust me…I know. June will make it 8 years on and off I have been dating the Ex Factor. Around the 7th year, things got down right uncomfortable…even for our pseudo commitment. We are not married, do not have children together, we don’t even share a dog, and have never lived with each other. I get so much side eyes about the lack of commitment in our commitment that even I started to question our every movement. We don’t look like any other couples I know. We both need so much freedom yet can do monogamy easily. He actually stresses that more than I do. I focus more on improving our communication and working on mastering his love languages. Truth be told, myself and many others are surprised that we made it out of summer 2010. What was suppose to be a summer fling has lasted almost 8 years…and even the years we were not dating…we were still in each other’s lives. I moved 340 miles away for two years and the Ex Factor made sure I never left him behind. He is with me in spirit everywhere I go. But still we look like no other couple (past nor present) that I know. The irony in this is that over the last 8 years we have out lasted every non serious and serious relationships around us. Our love survived a third of my friends’ first marriages. 😳 Who would have thought that. Yet we aren’t viewed as serious to most folks because we haven’t done the big commitments. For 6 years I agreed with our critics. In this 7th year, however, I started to realize that our differences may be the secret to our longevity. The Ex Factor and I try not to push each other into doing things we aren’t ready for or are uncomfortable with. To be honest, if there’s pushing being done…it’s from me. I push and I push so that we can have some resemblance to thriving couples around us. I push for things that I am not truly ready for. Like I cannot imagine living with any man but if there was one I would try with…it would be the Ex Factor. And because we are both big on emotional and physical space…we would need a big house or apartment. We are real about those things. WE NEED SPACE…I think mainly because our number one relationships are still with ourselves. 🙌🏽 We want to be true to our individual selves first and foremost…yet sometimes I look around and I see other couples starting way after us and growing much faster. Sometimes it saddens me because I have no guarantees. But then I watched so many of my friends (male and female) go through devastating divorces and reality finally hit me…not all that glitters is gold. This is why we cannot invest in other people’s relationships. No one knows what that couple has endured or how hard they have fought to cling together before they decided to let go. A couple could be perfect on paper and be a disaster in real life. We just never know. Their love ending should say nothing about our own relationships. What blasts one relationship apart may just save another. A storm for some couples may just be a little summer rain for others. THERE IS NO ONE RECIPE TO A SUCCESSFUL LONGTERM RELATIONSHIP! Relationships, much like the human beings in them, are flawed and ever changing. Thus, we should only be investing in our own lives. Cherish the storms you and your significant other made it to the other side of. Live for today the best you can and do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will take care of itself…as it has always done. Relish in the moments of love you feel. And yes by all means pray for other couples! Remember, however, that there will be breakups and perhaps makeups within all the couples you love. Support them on the sunny and rainy days. And instead of questioning why it did not work out for them, support and respect the couple’s decision to split the best you can. No one is perfect. No relationship is perfect…and if it ever becomes your day to make such a difficult decision…you will want the love, support, and respect from all the people who knew you as a couple. ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. Here at Kingston Expressions, I am sending love, light, and peace to Channing and Jenna. Also, I am relishing in the fact that the man I love is still in my life and we have been given another day to choose each other…for better or for worse. 💜
For the last year and change I have been dealing with the most toxic coworkers! I, like most people, prefer a positive work environment but some folks love to bring the drama at all costs. If you care about your job, it is very hard not to bring that toxic energy home. Lately, there have been some mind-boggling disagreements at work that has left me mentally and emotionally exhausted. If you find yourself in a similar situation…here are some tips to help you maneuver out of the mess and keep you running towards your peace of mind! 10. DRAMA FROM HOME BROUGHT INTO WORK! The toxic coworker is almost always transferring negative energy that is really coming from their personal lives. I have seen it time and time again…folks getting a divorce or just going through a breakup and a simple good morning from a friendly coworker can turn into World War 2! 😳 Ladies and Gentlemen (referring to the toxic folks here) keep your personal lives AT HOME or at least outside of the work place! I am so sorry your man or woman left you but that has nothing to do with the rest of us! Most of us just want to earn our paychecks in peace! 🙌🏽Keep that soap opera mess to yourself! And if you are feeling extra unlovable because you are not able to find somebody who loves your ass…you may want to start working on yourself!!! Your coworkers have nothing to do with your loveless personal life. Check that shit at the door. 9. WITH AGE DOES NOT COME WISDOM! Do you remember my coworker, Poison Ivy, that I mentioned in my last corporate America blog? The one with all the dents in her face that is in her 50s but looks 70s?! 😩 You would think she has better things to do than gossip about me but she doesn’t. I often walk into a room…finding her at the tail end of talking about me to new coworkers. Child…. I thought with age comes wisdom? I guess not because that’s really some high school mess to spend most of your work day gossiping about folks! Check yourself! It seems the older SOME folks get….the messier and the more bitter they get. Everyone is competition for them (referring to bitter older folks but not all older folks). Ivy hates me because I am a beautiful young black woman who is educated and confident. I can’t help her with those dents in her face! Child…I have better things to do like preserve my beautiful chocolate skin so I don’t age like Ivy. 🙌🏽 8. THERE WILL ALWAYS BE FOLKS THAT DO NOT LIKE YOU AT WORK! No need to be a people pleaser because sometimes just your breathing will have folks at work hating on you! 😩🙄 Like…can I live? There have been times I issued an apology to a coworker (who was totally undeserving of it) for the sake of keeping a positive work environment. What I have noticed is five minutes later…those same people are back to gossiping about me to other coworkers and my boss. 🤷🏽♀️ The lesson here is…that if your coworkers decide they are going to exhibit toxic behavior towards you…no amount of “niceness” can fix that. All you can do is if it escalates to an unsafe level…report them to your Human Resources Department, your boss, and/or the police if need be. Some folks are really that unbalanced that they may try to physically harm you. This is totally unacceptable behavior at work and in life! ✌🏾7. YOU CANNOT CONTROL THE GOSSIP MILL! It is terrible when rumors are consistently being spread about you but what can you really do? If you report every single bad thing you ever heard about yourself at work you may come off as petty and messy to your boss. When gossip is flying around, you really have to pick and choose which ones you follow up. Anything threatening your job and/or life is worth reporting but other smaller issues (you have to be the judge of what issues are small) you have to let roll off you back. 6. DOCUMENT ISSUES! If you aren’t sure what issues are big and small, I suggest starting a journal using your own personal paper that documents dates, times, and incidents with your toxic coworkers in case all the information together rise to the level of reporting. I have done this twice in my life and both times my well documented notes came in handy. One time I spent a year documenting the racists behavior of my Associate Director towards myself and other coworkers. ONE YEAR! 🙌🏽 Other people had reported her many times for single racist incidents. No formal investigations were ever held (to my knowledge) prior to me reporting her. Thus, she got away with firing black and brown people for no reason for YEARS until there was me. I was always on time and so great at my job that I got promoted in my department and was now under a different Associate Director. However, that did not stop me (promotion or not) from reporting her racist behavior! A year’s worth of incidents mentioning dates, times, and persons involved were taken very seriously by my Director and my Human Resources Department! 🙌🏽 5. READ YOUR HUMAN RESOURCES MANUAL! Every employer should have a written harassment and discrimination policy in place. They should also have a procedure listed of how to report these incidents. Make sure that you read those sections before formally reporting a coworker or boss. Following procedures will ensure that your complaints are taken seriously. In my work example from number 6, all the previous reports to my Director had been made verbally which according to our manual…he did not have to report them to Human Resources. My complaint, however, was written and well documented…and emailed to my Director five minutes before our scheduled meeting. Thus, by following my HR manual, my Director had no choice but to report his friend, my racist Associate Director! 4. BAITING! Understand that when folks do not like you…they will try to get you to act up at work. They may bait you into conversations that seem positive at first but are meant to be a negative transference of energy! If you can, try to avoid conversing with toxic folks at work unless you have to. Last week I had a similar situation occur at work! It was so frustrating to me to think my negative coworker was turning a positive page only to get further trapped into her negative bully energy! 😳 Do not be fooled! “A leopard hardly ever changes its spots!” This phrase applies just at much at work as it does in life. If you are baited into a negative conversation, take a deep breath, stop talking, smile, and politely excuse yourself from the mess! 3. DO NOT PARTICIPATE IN GOSSIP YOURSELF! You did not like it when people were gossiping about you, therefore when you get the chance…shut down any ounce of gossip that makes it to your desk! Remember that “a dog that gives a bone also carries a bone.” Meaning if coworkers are gossiping about someone with you…they sure will be gossiping with someone else about you! And if that phrase does not ring true to you…remember to “treat others as you would like to be treated!” This will help minimize the gossip mill. 2. HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH! No matter what…always hold your head up high and handle yourself professionally when coworkers are aiming low by gossiping about you or are sabotaging your work. The negative trolls want you to step out of character and act a fool. Do not allow them to steal your joy and your peace of mind! 🙌🏽 I know this is easier said than done but you must try. Negative coworkers are going to be in every work setting. You cannot hide from them. All you can do is try to rise above it. And trust me…I know that’s hard. 1. THIS IS ONE SCENARIO WHERE IT IS THEM…AND NOT YOU! We have all heard that famous breakup phrase “it’s me not you.” Lol. Generally, this means the person breaking up with you wants to take the easy route on dumping you so they put all the “weight” of what went wrong on themselves instead of having an honest conversation about why the relationship is no longer working for them. 🙄✌🏾 In an employment environment where you have to constantly deal with gossipy and backstabbing coworkers…I am here to tell you…it’s them not you! For one to be so messy at work they must be suffering from narcissism, low self esteem, jealousy, or self hate…or perhaps even suffering from all of the above! 😳 You may never know why toxic coworkers exist and the good news is it does not matter. Leave them in their own mess and protect your peace of mind. 🙌🏽 ~KJM guiding you through the Land of Pimps and Hoes on Charm School Monday💜
Now the last time I touched this topic I got my ass handed to me. Read my Mommy Brain blog for reference. 😩🙄 I lost three friends because of that blog. Lol. Oh well, here at Kingston Expressions, I don’t stray away from tough topics about my life so I don’t see why I can’t get some of you inconsiderate parents RIGHT. Yea…you read that right. There is a large group of you that thinks the sun rises and sets on your asses with no consideration for others. Parenting is a very tough job but it doesn’t give you a pass on being an ass. Lately, I have been hearing some of the same complaints from my friends who do not have children about the crazy things parents have the nerve to say to them. Here are a few things a parent should never utter to a person without children: 5. WAIT UNTIL YOU HAVE ONE! Everyone always assumes I want children! Even people who grew up with me and know how I feel about this topic will slip up and say this mess. Unless a woman tells you she wants children….do not assume so! ✌🏾Fall back and wait for her to tell you how she feels about possibly being a mom. And do realize that she is also entitled to change her mind on motherhood (hopefully before entering into it)! 🙌🏽 Contrary to popular belief, some women do not have a maternal bone in their body…especially after having children! 😳 I know so many folks who should have just skipped the process all together but had children to keep a man who ended up leaving anyways! 🤦🏽♀️ 4. YOU SHOULD AT LEAST HAVE ONE! Ugh! I get this one so much! Why should I at least have one child? To make you…who is not raising my child…happy?! Or is it a misery loves company thing?! Is this China….is there a one child rule?! The conversations between my uterus and I are strictly private! We did not invite you in so exit stage left! 🙌🏽 This advice is thoughtless and insensitive for so many reasons but mainly because it’s an attack on any woman who does not buy into the idea that women are only on this earth for baring fruit!✌🏾 I will reproduce if or when I feel like. Not to mention some of you parents may be saying this to people who may have been secretly trying to have children but so far have been unsuccessful! 🤦🏽♀️ 3. PEOPLE WHO DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN CANNOT BE TIRED! I heard someone say this the other day and I was so close to slapping the piss out of them. I get that raising children is no joke but folks married to their careers like doctors, lawyers, military etc. work crazy hours…sometimes seven days a week. Their lifestyles (children or not) are demanding. When I’m at my busiest, I’m running an 18 hour day! You do know there is only 24 hours in a day?! Parents do not have the market of exhaustion on lock down. People without children can be tired and rightfully so. There are some childless folks who are caretakers for disabled parents. We all need to be more considerate of each other. Parenting is a choice! You know how I know that parenting is a choice?! We fight everyday in this country for a woman’s right to choose! If you chose life, props to you but you don’t deserve a reward….you deserve support…just like your childless Veterinarian friend who is underpaid and at great risk of being suicidal! 😳 I just read an article about the high rise in Veterinarian suicides! Lawd have mercy! You never know what load a person is carrying around…so parents be kind and do not refer to other’s lives as being easier than yours because they don’t have children. Some people’s lives are painful and difficult because they can’t have children. 😐 2. CHILDREN ARE A BLESSING? Um…to whom ma’am? Every person will see becoming a parent in a different way. There are many good parents out there that may not share your views because of the road they had to walk in parenthood. Point blank this statement can be offensive to the childless and to other parents. For the childless, this statement is secretly reiterating that some of us may regret not trying to have children. And are we less blessed if we don’t have children?! 😳😩 1. GIVE HIM/HER A BABY NOW! I have heard this advice being given to the marrieds that are childless and to the childless singles too! I, myself, get it all the damn time! The Ex Factor has very impressive genes 😍 so folks are always like you two would have a beautiful baby. They must want this typically mild mannered man to come burn down my house! 😳🙄😩 It should be very obvious why this is bad advice for childless singles but I think people miss the boat when speaking with childless marrieds! It is not up to anyone but that husband and wife on when is the right time for them to begin a family! The rest is simply none of our business. Accidentally getting pregnant can put a strain on couples but so is popping up pregnant and rushing the timeline you and your spouse set to start a family. Outsiders have no business in our wombs. We have a right to choose if we want children and when to have them! ~KJM on Flashback Friday! Mind your own womb and nobody will get offended. Childless people have feelings to!
It is the second day of Spring and we still have so much work to do. Before one can begin Spring Cleaning, they have to be willing to unpack all their emotional stuff. Time to unpack some of my emotional mess. October 2012. I have discussed this issue at length since starting this blog yet it still haunts me. The Ex Factor and I had been dating for a little over two years and suddenly things felt off. He was always busy and had very little time for me. The Ex Factor was starting to break little promises to me. Then came the day I took him to dinner and sat him down. Being that I am 8.5 years older than him, I have always been told by similarly situated couples that there will be a day that he will need a break. The advice was to give him that break…and I was prepared to…with the truth in hand. During that dinner, I asked him repeatedly if he was seeing someone else and he repeatedly said no but EVERY HAIR ON THE BACK OF MY NECK STOOD UP. My body was telling me that I was being lied to by the man I love. I continued to press him for another two months as I began to create my escape plan. You see…I did not want to stay with a liar. The day after Christmas I completely cut him off without warning. After that things escalated quickly! Some concrete evidence surfaced that there was a new woman in his life but this I already knew because my instinct told me so. In the beginning (because neither of us ever thought we would know each other for so long), we promised to let each other know if we met someone else we wanted to explore with. Phoenix was never anyone I wanted so he was not worth mentioning. And the Ex Factor must have thought she wasn’t worth mentioning either. Six years later and he has yet to mention her. That lie cost him two years. I left him for two years though he never really left my life. I went through so much during those two years of separation. Almost lost my life in Georgia with Mister Toss Salad and then relocated to Richmond, VA for the rest of the time. I lost so much time in my career by relocating to VA. Many of my colleagues in New York have advanced while I’m still stuck. I live with the feeling of being left behind professionally and personally. I lost and gained so much during those two years and at the end of it, we reconciled…yet never becoming what we once were nor becoming better versions of ourselves. STUCK! I had to have forgiven him at some point but it’s the forgetting that’s been hard. I love with caution now and I brace myself for the day he may lie again. He said he never slept with her and I believe him but what he forgets is that when a woman loves a man…where his heart and his emotions go are her main concern. Not saying that I endorse cheating (not at all) but what pushed me off the deep end was the thought that he may be falling in love with her. To any man reading this…a woman who truly loves you will survive a million ugly truths before she could stomach one lie. The Ex Factor and I have talked about this incident a million times over the last five years. He said he never lied but I will always feel differently about it. That lie knocked him off the pedestal I put him on and all the pain that emerged from it has held ME captive. Since we have discussed this topic to the point of exhaustion…the relief I seek….the unpacking I need…cannot come from the Ex Factor. 🙌🏽 He is not frozen in time from it. He does not relive it over and over. He does not go to bed at night with it. I DO. So how do I unpack it once and for all and let it go? The Ex Factor cannot free me from my enslavement…only I can. That’s the thing about Spring Cleaning…we are cleaning up our messes and letting go of what no longer serves us in a positive way. 🙌🏽 I recently read a meme that said many of us are addicted to our suffering. There may just be some truth in those words because if I let go of my familiar suffering…I could love again freely and openly. I could trust again. But if I hold on to it…it can shield me from any future pain….AND any future love for that matter. The suffering stays with me whether I’m with the Ex Factor or not. He created it but it is my mess because I chose to hold on to it! 🙌🏽 And no….a new love cannot fix old suffering because that’s like moving somebody into a messy fully furnished apartment (one of a hoarder) and hoping they can clean it up in a day and make it brand new! IT IS MY MESS! Only I have the power to unpack it. ~KJM changing the mood on Hump Day by doing a little less humping and a little more unpacking. 💜