I have a friend who does these grand gestures of love that both shocks me and makes me laugh. Even when the odds are against her…she can look a love in the face and say “choose me” or rip her clothes off passionately in the midst of an argument to let her love know that he’s not leaving without a fight. It all seemed bizarre to me at the time but this morning her acts of love got me thinking. How many of us would profess our love…even if it’s the very last minute of that love? How many of us fight that hard even when the odds are against us? She may have lost a few battles in love but my friend is winning the war. And she’s fucking brave. Don’t think I have ever been that brave in love… ~KJM on Serenity Saturday💕
Happy Flashback Friday! I am so sorry that my blogging has been so infrequent. My current transition has me in deep thought. There are days I miss the Ex Factor (not really spending time with him but talking to him) and other times I know that I made the right decision for the BOTH of us. He is emotionally unavailable and I want a man that is capable of feeling. Putting all that aside, I awoke a few mornings ago feeling a sense of relief for two reasons. First, when my loved ones are complaining about their spouses…I no longer have any complaints. I’m just a listening ear and that’s a great feeling! Secondly, and this one is the hardest one to swallow, with no Ex Factor aka younger man…women can finally stop questioning my fucking reproductive system!!!✌🏾 Some distasteful women (I remember all your names) reminded me that the Ex Factor could always leave me and start a family later on in life because he is so much younger than me. I hate to admit it but some of that fear kept me self sabotaging myself and us. I free him every time to fuck who he wants, fall in love, or start a family when he sees fit. An even bigger fear was that he would stay with me and when he wanted children…I may not be able to have them. 😭 This fear crippled me day and night. I have never checked up on my reproductive system. Every year I have my annual GYN visit filled with STD tests and a stamp of approval saying I’m not pregnant and can go fuck freely with my birth control in hand. 🙌🏽 After I get the good news, I ride off into the sexual sunset. 😳🤣 I have never asked my GYN to check up on my eggs. And now that the Ex Factor and I are over…I have no plans of it. I meant it when I said he was my baby’s daddy. Without him…I’m back to not having a desire to have children…especially naturally. Auntie Kingston is just that. AUNTIE! And that got me to thinking….what age group should I date in when I’m ready? If I want my reproductive system to just breathe…50 year old men sound about right. By his 50s he may have been married before (and now divorced) and should have some grown ass children. Auntie Kingston loves children but purposely created a life without them. I LOVE MY FREEDOM! Thus, I need a man free to focus on us. No time for small children. I don’t even have a dog and have been wanting one for so long. 😳🙄 My schedule is not conducive to me having anyone nor anything waiting at home for me. Anyways…back to the 50s. I really want to apologize to 50 year old women looking for men their age. It’s unfair for my 37 year old fine ass to enter your market. Yikes! 🙄 But I yearn for the freedom most of you have….done raising children and currently traveling the world. 🙌🏽 Before I jump into your market though…there are a few obstacles with dating 50 year old men. First, I don’t like older men. I haven’t since I was 14 years old. 🙄😉 Second, I am a daddy’s girl so it’s mad creepy to be dating in his age group. Both my parents look really young for their age! And because I got a Daddy…I damn sure don’t need another one! 🙌🏽 Third, I know a lot of 50 and 60 year old fools! Got an uncle in his 60s still giving out promise rings to his baby mamas! 😐🔪🔪🔪 If at 60 a man isn’t ready to commit…bitch run! I promise you that you will end up on an episode of “Snapped” waiting on a man that old. 😩 Uncle, get your shit together!!! But I digress! My point is I know age does not equal maturity!!! Fourth, a man in his 50s needs to be financially stable with some extra coins in the bank. That means money is a big factor in my consideration of dating in this age group. I have struggled with 20 and 30 years old but I will be damned if I have to fuck old broke balls! 😩🔪 Just keeping it real. No young sperm here that can serve as a consolation prize if things don’t work out!!!! 😩 I will work with a man in his 20s and 30s and love him where he is at but once a man (of ANY race) hits 40s…my work with a brotha program has officially ended! From ages 20-28, I loved the Ex Factor for exactly who he was and where he was in life. I only wanted him to be more caring. 💜 I wanted to feel loved and desired by him and only him. He probably won’t get that until 20 years from now when he’s with who he is suppose to be with….he may then finally realize how much I loved him. 😭 Some men just aren’t ready to be loved unconditionally! 💕 But I digress again! Fifth, if he’s in his 50s…he better be fit and look like my parents…like he is in his 30s and 40s. Part of this is for superficial reasons and the other part is about if we find real love…I need to know he will live to be around for as many decades as he can! 💜 Lastly, a man of any age needs to trust me and respect my freedom!!! My solo trips are a huge part of who I am. I don’t want that to change…especially not for a man! 🙌🏽 Once I get pass these obstacles, I think my new dating plan just might work! And for once I will be the PYT (Pretty Young Thang). 😘 ~KJM on Flashback Friday? For my singles out there, what age groups are you dating in and why? Best wishes in love and life no matter what you decide! 💕
Every now and then I create a blog for the available and dating men. This just so happens to be one. Earlier in the week I tackled the idea that most of us are dating different versions of the same person…our type and how that is damaging our love lives. One of the biggest mistakes I find men make in dating (when they are ready for a serious relationship…that is 🙄) is they go after these unavailable women! 🤦🏾♀️ These dudes don’t just love the chase…they need it! 😩 They may not know it but engaged, married, or in a relationship women give them a rise. Their interests are piqued…not realizing that the odds of these women choosing them are slim to none…because these women are physically, mentally, and emotionally unavailable! If you are one of these guys…leave these women alone unless you are okay with being boyfriend number two! 😐 And trust and believe that is not where you want to be if you are ready for true, unconditional, and reciprocated love. Winning her heart should not mean dueling another man for her! 🤦🏽♀️ Now that we have that settled…on to the rest of you guys who are meeting women after a breakup. I don’t care if she just broke up with her boyfriend of six months or just divorced her husband….the wounds here are still open! RUN if you don’t want a messy love life. 🙌🏽 Now I know some of you fools are crawling…to you I say…get ready to either be friend zoned or made boyfriend number 2. You may get a chance to hit it…but once she climaxes…she will be pining for her true love. If your only goal is sex…there’s a chance you may get it from this newly broken hearted woman but if love was involved in her last relationship…you must be aware that the pussy and the heart don’t travel in the same lanes. On breaks…I have given away the pussy…but my heart is still the Ex Factor’s! Trust…I know what I speak of! And for most women…not all…the heart rules (unless money is involved 🤣 but that’s another lesson for another day). If you truly want to seriously pursue this newly out of a relationship woman…heed my advice. If you know a lot about her ex…he is still in her heart. Don’t you dare say that you are better than him because truth be told…you probably aren’t! ✌🏾 Now hear me out…the Ex has known her longer, knows her G spot (we tend to not mention bad in bed exes unless it’s some sort of social experiment and we want to prevent others from bad sex😳🤣🙄), has her heart, and knows her mentally! We women know right off the bat how damaging a man’s ex can be. We start to social media stalk his ex as soon as we have enough information! 🤷🏽♀️ This may seem crazy but it’s not (unless a woman continues to obsess about her new man’s ex). This is a smart play (when no obsession is involved) so that you know what you are up against because let’s be real…what you don’t know CAN hurt you in the game of love. Men have such huge egos that y’all start to mentally (and sometimes physically 😳) stroke your dicks…automatically thinking your dick is bigger than his!!! Doubt it but even if that is true like in the case of Julio and the Ex Factor (yeah baby 😍)….only LOVE can win your new woman over!!! Though a new big dick helps! 😉 When I say love…I don’t mean fake romancing her so she chooses you! I mean natural love that the universe sends you both. I have at least one friend who choose the second guy and are currently happily married! 🙌🏽 It can be done but not through trickery or the chase. Also it is silly to continuously play the listening ear of why her last relationship did not last. You, the man, must openly state your interest…and then back away and let her naturally come to you! Let her choose you! The Ex Factor did just that and I chose him! I had known Julio for 13 years but I still chose the Ex Factor!!! And in that choice…I found a deeper love. No regrets about that choice. It was the right one for my heart. The Ex Factor and I use to joke about the fact that by the end of the summer (2010) Julio would win me back…that was EIGHT years ago and I never took Julio back!!! The stars had aligned (for better or for worse) and I had found love. So let your new woman freely choose you or you will forever be dealing with her going back and forth with her ex or dealing with the ghost of her ex. 😩 We all have baggage but if pursued openly and honestly by a safe and secure love…we do have the ability to unpack that baggage forever! 🙌🏽 Good luck out there guys! ~KJM on Throwback Thursday 💕
Yesterday evening, I streamed an episode from season 2 of Sex and the City where Carrie was trying to figure out if she goes after the same types of men in relationships. The answer here is YES but I’m going to take it one step further and explore. We, human beings, are attracted to what we are attracted to. Our attractions, generally, are not random. They typically stem from things like our family life, childhood traumas, and other broken relationships. 😩 I, myself, love going after MUTE (I love a silent man) EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE GUYS! 🤦🏾♀️ Yum! 🙄 I think it is because for many years I too was emotionally unavailable. Sexy…I know. 😩 When I bumped into the Ex Factor and saw some of my flaws on his face…I started to work on myself. I no longer celebrated being loved and being incapable of reciprocating love! 🤦🏾♀️ That is no longer who I am. I am more open and more vulnerable than ever but only when it comes to LOVE!!! Penis alone will never find my ass vulnerable because it is just that un-special to me! 🙌🏽 But I digress. While watching this episode of Sex and the City, which I think was titled “The Fuck Buddy,” I already knew the answer to Carrie’s question. We all have a type….it is just something we can’t initially help. Humans are creatures of habit. However, if you are ready to start getting serious in the game of love…you have to be aware of your dating mistakes! That’s right! We have to take accountability for going down the same rabbit hole a million times…knowing how the story is going to end. Shit just don’t change UNLESS we change ourselves first! 🙌🏽 We are the common denominators in our fucked up dating lives or marriages. 😳 So how do we get it together? First by acknowledging what our types are and secondly by making a decision on whether we are really ready to break away from these types. If you have no children…you can be as dumb as you want because you are only messing yourself up. BUT once children are involved…we have to purposefully evolve into making better dating decisions! So are you ready to break your dating patterns?! I am not sure I am. The Ex Factor is still who I love! While I’m not waiting on him to grow up…I am SLOWLY walking away in case he makes a change for himself that betters us. It definitely helps him that I find most men to be fucking gross once they start speaking. 🤷🏽♀️ SILENT. MUTE. OH SO SEXY! Yup that’s my type. First six years of dating, the Ex Factor barely spoke. 🙌🏽 In the last two years, he not only learned how to talk but he now talks back!!! Wtf?!!! Back to mute baby! 😳😩🙌🏽😍🤣 ~KJM is missing her type on Temptation Tuesday. A mute man isthe only man I can truly love. 🤣🤣🤣
Happy Serenity Sunday! I am so sorry that it has been weeks since I have blogged! Work and family life have been crazy! Plus I went on my annual Vegas birthday trip for a week and a half this year! 😍 It was AMAZING…as always. 🙌🏽 Vegas is officially my second home! It rejuvenates me in a way that very few places do…and in that process I discover something else about myself! 😍 These last couple weeks, I took the time to focus on me. Getting back to me…and I encourage you to do the same when you start to feel depleted. My summer body is nowhere near ready but I took some sexy ass photos to remind myself that I’m still one of the baddest boss chicks to walk this earth. 🙌🏽 Remember that you, too, are fierce as fuck…and never forget to let it show. So many things are going on…too many to blog about in this one blog but there is one update I am okay with sharing with you. Almost three months ago, I took a break from the Ex Factor without telling a single family member nor friend. I felt like I was suffocating in something that will never be what I need it to be and I certainly did not want to take Nicole, Grace, nor Harmony with me. It had to be for me. I am growing and changing and the Ex Factor is not. He is happy with being complacent and I am not. We grew apart years ago and holding on to what use to be is just plain painful. I deserve someone who can be there for me and he deserves someone who speaks his language (perhaps someone in his age group). When you truly love someone…you want them to be happy even if it’s not with you. That is unconditional love. It is a love so free. The Ex Factor thinks he was happy with me but I have faith that soon he will find a greater happiness that makes more sense to him! 🙏🏽 As for me…I am on my way! 🙌🏽 Right now I’m happily not dating. Traveling to see Harmony in Vegas and hanging out with Ingrid in NYC has been what’s keeping me going. My friends are truly the loves of my life. I feel so free and so alive with them. They are both in amazing relationships that I am cheering them on in! 🙌🏽 I still truly believe in love…I just haven’t met my true, unconditional, and reciprocated love yet. And I am in no rush. I am just enjoying where I am. My DMs have been filling up since I have been off of dating but my true love just won’t be in a DM. I don’t think that’s how God works. He will come to me sure and ready. He will have things to offer and he will be the most patient man. And he won’t require that I be less me! 🙌🏽 That is a love worth waiting on. Maybe in my 50s I will meet him? Who knows? As for now, 37 is about freedom. I am only accepting love that is secure while allowing me to be free at the same time. I don’t know what makes a man love a woman…but I now know that no one can answer that question because when it is God sent it is simply unexplainable. 💜 ~KJM dropping you a line on Serenity Sunday. Go forth and be free…in love and in all you do. 💕
Happy Hump Day! Today I’m going to switch things up and not do a sex blog. Recently, I binged watched “The Good Doctor” on ABC. Amazing show! I highly recommend it. The show is about the life of an autistic resident surgeon, Dr. Shaun Murphy. It is heartbreakingly beautiful. So many lessons one can take away from it. While the show’s focus is not on romantic relationships…though love and life are at the heart of every relationship of the characters…I found myself rooting for romantic love! 😍 At one point (spoiler alert), Shaun starts to develop feelings for his neighbor, Leah. Something about their interactions reminded me that the future is still bright. Love is still on the way! 🙌🏽 Shaun’s heart is so open and pure. The way he looks at Leah…gave me hope. In my entire dating life, I have heard the words “I love you” from many guys but I never felt truly loved from not one of them. For most of them…love was really lust and for a small amount of them (especially the Ex Factor), love is simply not possible yet. They have no clue how to openly and unconditionally love a woman. Love, in a romantic sense, has just been a word with no real meaning for me. Wasted words during wasted times. As I watch Shaun’s heart beat for Leah…it occurred to me that some man out there is praying to meet me. Not some man focused on my physical attractiveness nor how much of a challenge I am…but some man having brunch with his mother while describing the type of daughter in law he wants to bring her. A man with a plan. A man who can openly and honestly have a relationship. A man strong enough to support me (especially emotionally) on my life’s journey. A man that is READY! Not one I had to make ready. Not one I had to convince to love me. Not one scared of every fucking emotion. 🙄 A man that knows I am his one and only. A man that enjoys and respects my independence! A man that brings out the best in me. A man that makes me feel emotionally and physically safe. This man is out there. God knows our timing so I need not bother looking. As I watched “The Good Doctor,” I could feel my hopes and dreams beating in my heart again! 💜 Not since summer 2010 (the summer I met the Ex Factor) have I felt this way. And I am excited about it yet in no rush. I feel free. I no longer feel like I am drowning in a love that can no longer satisfy my needs. There is hope. Please remember that in the midst of your romantic storms or any storms for that matter…the future is still so bright. Let go of anything that no longer serves your soul. Free yourself up for that love that is ready! And…never settle! 🙌🏽 ~KJM on HumpDay!
Happy Temptation Tuesday! When I was a child, I was once asked if I would rather be loved or respected. I said respected because respect can live without love but love cannot live without respect. 🙌🏽 I don’t think at that moment it really sunk in what I was saying. Essentially, I was just repeating what Papa Michael’s had taught me. At 36 years old…I now get it. Often times we are so focused on the love that we are giving that we are completely forgetting about the love we are receiving…or not receiving. I use to think my love could heal anyone. My love could fix any problem if I tried hard enough but that is simply not true. I was putting myself in front of the firing squad for the Ex Factor while he could not be bothered to love me the way I needed to be loved. Ouch. 🤦🏾♀️ I know I’m not the only one though. Some of y’all are out there running in circles over the same kryptonite that cannot be faithful for even a night. 😳😩 Running yourselves into the ground…and even an early grave for a love that had long forsaken you. No judgement here. I get it…sadly I now get it. The thing is…respect is such an essential part of love. If there is no respect and trust…you have nothing with your partner. You are in fact a living breathing doormat. 🤦🏾♀️ To love and not care whether you are being loved back in a healthy manner is suicidal. We are killing ourselves for people who never deserved us and why? To say we are ride or die?! I only want to be ride or die for myself!!! 🙌🏽 That was always my intention yet I made some wrong turns. We all do in life. Some of you may be stuck in marriages where you don’t feel loved and respected. It may seem hopeless now but things will get better…if you focus on getting back the respect or finding someone who loves you enough to respect you. Are you taking a deep breath and taking this all in? I am…as I am writing this. It’s like I’m waiting to exhale from under a fog of self sabotage. I was so focused on what my love can do…for I had never really loved before…that I missed how badly I was being disrespected. There is a huge part of me that thinks that no woman who loves a man is truly happy…men seem so toxic…but I have to back away from that kind of thinking to find peace. There will be ups and downs in every relationship. There will be good and bad times. As long as love, respect, loyalty, and trust are at the heart of that relationship along with getting your needs met…there is hope. However, if respect is not part of your relationship…do not kid yourself into thinking it will get better. Get out. Exhale. And then breathe fresh air again! 🙌🏽 Toxic people often make themselves more important than they really are. We may not even love them as deeply as we think. They are just a symptom of a bigger problem or a familiar drug we can’t get off of. REHAB TIME! No matter what it is…there is a beautiful life awaiting all of us after breakups and heartbreaks. Never think that only one person can love you. A better one is most likely out there praying for you. Stay open. Stay focused on loving yourselves. And never forget that if you don’t have yourself…if you can’t count on yourself…then you have nothing. You are someone beautiful. You deserve a love that respects you. There is life after relationship deaths. A season of rebirth is upon us. Embrace it. 💜 ~KJM onTemptation Tuesday.
Happy Hump Day! Yesterday I happened to come across an article that claimed that big belly men make better lovers! 😳 Apparently, they even last longer in bed. 😳🙌🏽 This is a topic I have very little experience in because all of my lovers except Mister Toss Salad were skinny or of athletic build with washboard stomachs. Thus, I had to ask around. Wait…let’s swing back for a second. To this day, I don’t remember Mister Toss Salad’s body and never ever saw his penis! He was a fucking rebound guy and I did not like the feel of his penis (half circumcised…half not?!). Thus, I promised myself that I would never look his penis in the eye. lol. 🤦🏾♀️ And I kept that promise to myself for the few months we dated. One thing I do know is he is naturally a big guy. When we dated he was on a strict diet and working out so he was smaller than he had been in the years I had known him prior to us briefly dating. I say all of this to say that I don’t remember his body. I straight up did not look at him. 🤦🏽♀️ But he did wine and dine me and could eat pussy and toss a good salad like no one’s business! 🙌🏽 Gots to give him that. Since my sexual rolodex is useless on this topic, I turned to some of my girlfriends for input. Here are the top 5 things my friends taught me about big belly men: 5. WILLOW: Not all big belly men are overweight. Some of them are skinny guys who have guts from drinking and drugs. 4. NICOLE: She has never ever been with a big belly man and never plans to. Nicole said she cannot handle a big belly touching her. Luckily she’s happily married to a non big belly man. 3. INGRID: She prefers bigger men but not obese men. Some how cuddling up with a skinny guy does not sit right with her. She likes her men to have some manly meat for her to hang on to. 2. JASMINE: Two out of four of her big belly lovers were great to her. She had amazing sex with them as well. Jasmine did point out that she never slept with a guy with washboard abs. She also pointed out that because I date younger, I get the pleasure of sleeping with men who seriously take care of their bodies. 🙌🏽 Jasmine says men get lazier with their fitness as they get older. 😳 So does this mean I am an ageist? 🤦🏾♀️ 🤷🏽♀️ 1. HARMONY: big belly men last longer than the seven minutes in bed some skinny men put in! 😳🙌🏽 Thank you ladies for getting back to me on this topic! My thoughts…I love a fit man even though I am not fit myself. The Ex Factor is my most fit guy I have ever dated. Not an inch of fat on his body and abs I can make breakfast on! 😍 By far, I am the most attracted to him. I prefer my men fit so that they can inspire me to get fit. The Ex Factor has loved my body (for the last 8 years) unconditionally. Through those 8 years, I have gained around 40lbs. He was with me when I was skinny and broke…and he has been down with me as my womanly curves grow along with my bank account. The Ex Factor has never made me feel bad about my body. I think he is more obsessed with my body than I am. And I love him for that. 💜 The great thing about the Ex Factor is he is not some crazy gym fanatic that talks about the gym all the time. He just loves being fit. It is who he naturally is. Putting that all aside, we usually end up dating who we attract. Right now I do not look my age. My 34DDs plump up without a bra like the Ex Factor just cooked them.😘 So my man market right now are washboard abs guys. 🙌🏽 When my breasts start drooping (for gravity is certain to come get them whether I have children or not), my men market may change. I may secretly be an ageist but I do not think I discriminate against big belly men. Well…not intentionally. You see my skinny with a muscular build guys (not the steroids looking ones) have huge penises around 90% of the time. 🙌🏽 It is the extra large penis I prefer…til the day I die! 😍🙌🏽 ~KJM on Hump Day! Ladies if the athletic build ain’t working, try you an overweight lover. One thing most of us agreed on is men with bellies try harder in bed. While I can’t testify to how long they last in bed (as my big dick roster has proven to be able to go on and off for about 16 hours in one day when they are at their best), I do know my one unfit guy could eat pussy and toss my salad like no one else! 😍🙌🏽 Big Guys remember to sing in the bedroom “Back then they didn’t want me, now I’m hot…they all on me…Mike Jones” when the pussy factory reads this article ( http://www.rebelcircus.com/blog/men-with-big-bellies-make-better-lovers-science-finds/ ) and comes knocking! 😳😍 As for me, shout out to my extra large penises (Phoenix, the Ex Factor, and Crazy). 🙌🏽😍💜 I have a feeling that even in my next life, I would sleep with you guys (athletic build or not). 😇😉 EDITOR’S NOTE: results of similar studies for women better say that us big belly women are great in bed too! If we have to stay open to big belly men…they should have to stay open to us! Of course, I am like most men. I aim high and no man is out of my league…no matter what my body looks like. I am as faithful and as consistent as my options. 🤣😳🤷🏽♀️🙄 May I be a billionaire one day…getting all the washboard abs and big dick lovers I want until the day I die! 🙌🏽
Yesterday, I shared a recent picture (on my private page) of Mama Michael’s. She does not age! 🙌🏽 Someone asked me what was her secret? Two things that always stand out to me are: (1) never let them see you sweat (especially when your man is stressing you) and (2) never stop pampering yourself. My mother has not had an easy life yet you could never tell by her appearance. Hair and nails are always done. Clothes on point. Body fit. She is a mother of five: three biologically and two adopted. She has never owned “mom clothes” nor did she spend much time worrying about doing what others expected her to do as a mom. She taught me how to make a five dollar shirt look like it was worth five hundred! 🙌🏽 By far she is not perfect but this is one of the areas that I admire her for. Let’s tackle each motto. (1) NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU SWEAT! I know so many women who let themselves go when their man problems settle in. Too many women are out there chasing a man’s love while the grays are settling in, their waistline is stretching, and they haven’t gotten their hair and nails done in a long while. Walking around like the air has been let out of your tires is not only embarrassing but it also shows that that man or that stress has extreme power over you. In this instance, a woman has forgotten all about herself. Even if you were never the get your hair and nails done type of woman…I’m sure there were things you were doing out of self love for yourself before you met up on that man or that stressful situation. Why have you stopped? What is your mental state like? Do you feel cared for and loved in your current situation? Well no matter the answers to these questions….Mama Michael’s would say that you should still be your number one priority. Once again, if you have depleted all of your resources for others…what is left for you? Are you not better than considering yourself as leftovers? What ever the situation…you need to always make sure you are okay. Put yourself first! Take care of your physical and mental needs without feeling guilty. 🙌🏽 This will help you to stay forever young. (2) NEVER STOP PAMPERING YOURSELF! We women often complain about men no longer doing things for us that they first did when we first met them. Truth be told, sometimes in the midst of life…we, women, stop dating ourselves too! We stop meeting up with our girlfriends for dinner and trips. We tell ourselves we no longer need that manicure or that hairstyle. We even stop granting ourselves the solo time we need to regroup and refuel. Women are just out there nurturing everyone but themselves! 😳 No matter what happens in life…keep dating yourselves! Never stop pampering yourselves. Never stop telling yourself that you are worth it! Never stop! 🙌🏽 ~KJM on Charm School Monday. 💜 Shout out to the baddest chick in the game from Kingston, JA to NYC,my mama! 🙌🏽
Recently, I have been dealing with being betrayed by people I deeply love. This is occurring on all levels of life…family…friends…etc. I think the hardest part of it is trying to figure out if or when to walk away from it. With family, this is particularly hard. You share blood. What do you even say to someone who has disappointed you so badly that no words can ever describe the pain they have directly or indirectly inflicted upon you? The time is coming soon. I will have to find those words. Exhausted. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. There are times I am too tired to cry. Never did I think in a million years that I would be in this position. It is like someone has stole all of my joy. And I am frozen in a very painful moment. Frozen. That is something the Gemini resents. I am the master of my own destiny. I should be able to free myself of such hurts. Yet not even the thought of traveling in the future can bring me joy. It is like someone burned down my house. And I am standing there…dazed and confused with the ashes. I am left with the awful task of picking up the pieces. And I just do not know how to. Not this time. Not this time. It is a personal hell many of us live in…the hell of putting the ashes back together. First off, you have to decide whether you cut and run or you stay and fight. On all levels, I am unsure. There is a part of me that thinks when you love someone (especially family), if their ship is sinking…you start to play the violin…as if you are both on the titanic. Then there is another part of me that thinks of self preservation. What becomes of the violinist on a sinking ship that does not even try to save herself? Is that not suicide? But a worse kind…for the violinist is dying because of someone else’s mistake. Someone who should have factored in the pain their mistake would cause their family and friends. Self preservation. I yearn for it. On a family level, I am playing the violin (so far). On friends and lover levels…I am jumping in the water…seeking the shore. It has all been too much. They clearly call it betrayal because we do not see it coming. This house was meant to stand. Had no clue the foundation was not solid. No matter what I choose, forgiveness has to be part of the process. But where to begin when I am frozen? Let peace and love move me…no matter the decisions I make. Nothing is clear except that I have, in fact, been betrayed by love. ~KJM on Throwback Thursday. Are any of you at a crossroads? Let me know how you are dealing with it. Be blessed in all you do. 💜