When I tell you that my body is beyond exhausted….I am not exaggerating! I came back from my West Coast vacation and went straight back to working 12 hour days back to back without a day off. I have to do 9 straight 12 hour days before I’m off. 😭 Today is day 8 and I’m so close to losing it! It takes everything in me (morning person me) not to smack the taste out of several people’s mouths during my daily commute! That’s how agitated I am. Plus I’m like shaking on my way home at night because…the 12 hours does not include my commute to and from work! Yes! I am about to break! 😳 As I attempt to hold on to what little is left of my sanity…an old yet brand new theme has appeared in my life…THE SACRIFICIAL LAMB! Women are raised to be nurturers from birth! Society teaches us to give more than we receive and we of course…happily deplete ourselves for our loved ones and sometimes for complete strangers! 😳 As daughters, sisters, mothers, aunts, grandmothers, wives, and girlfriends we are always TEAM TOO MUCH! I thought being an Alpha Female automatically exempts me from being a nurturing female but this is simply not true. It’s in our damn DNA! It has been two months (by choice), since I’ve last seen the Ex Factor. I have been beefing with him while focusing on myself. Sounds contradictory but trust me…I managed both. Now that we are exhausted from fighting and I have decided to take charge of my own happiness, we are trying to find time to spend together. The Ex Factor, like with most men, naturally puts himself first…as he should because we are not married and do not have a family. But even husbands tend to put themselves first because that’s how they were raised! Men were not raised to sacrifice it all for love and family…society says that is a woman’s job! Men can have it all! No one ever questions that. While we women are depleting our resources with no opportunity to replenish! Now here’s where shit gets interesting! Some of the time the sacrifices are being demanded on us BUT most of the time, we happily take a bullet for everyone…knowing we gonna die and yet we just keep smiling through the pain! We are sacrificial lambs by gender! So much so that we almost never question it until one of us has a nervous breakdown! We got to be super girlfriends, wives, and mothers! Even when we see that we are falling apart…we just keep on sacrificing! 😩 Now back to my example for today. As the Ex Factor and I negotiate when is the best time to see each other, I could not help but notice that we always (as of the last year) spend time together when it’s inconvenient for me and convenient for him! No wonder my ass is angry all the damn time! When I confront him, he always says I should have spoken up and said it wasn’t a good time! And he’s fucking right! Why didn’t I say something? He’s not sacrificing a minute of sleep, time with his family, time with his friends, nor work for me! He’s out there living his life like it’s golden while I’m out there looking like a chubby raccoon with dark circles around my eyes! Wtf! But once again, he did not ask me to sacrifice my sleep and my sanity…I OFFERED IT! Just gave over pieces of myself knowing it’s too much for me and then grumbling under my breath as I write an angry blog! 🙄 Why are we women doing this to ourselves whether we are single or married?! We can save ourselves and be good to others (within reason) but we often choose not to. We happily offer way more than our hearts, minds, and bodies can give. We feel guilty about saying no and setting boundaries…even at work! Ladies, who is going to save our asses if we don’t save ourselves?! Don’t expect a man to…even if he is your husband! He is preconditioned to look out for himself first! No matter how caring and considerate a man is…it will never out do the love and kindness of a woman! 🙌🏽 We are mothers of this earth…nurturers… and warriors! That in itself is a lot! We really need to chill out and stop trying to save everyone but ourselves. Sometimes you will have to say no to your family, your man, and even your kids…and you know what? That’s okay! We must take time to replenish! With that being said, I let the Ex Factor know that hanging out during the week and on weekends I have to work is a NO for me! This raccoon is tired! 🤣 We will have to choose a time that is best for us both. And he agreed! He said rest and work come first! As they should because once again…we are not married! But I will say this to all the wives, don’t forget to take care of yourselves too! No man wants to stay with a bitter, exhausted, run down woman! Matter of fact some husbands leave and find that well rested and self love chick that puts herself first! It ain’t right…but so is being a living doormat! Set boundaries and stick to them! Have self love days built into the month and demand that the man in your lives help out more! No matter what society has taught us…nurturers and warriors are not by definition….sacrificial lambs! There are moments of sacrifices for the greater good but not every moment has to be those moments…especially when no one asked us to! 🙌🏽 ~KJM on Throwback Thursday!
This is my 13th letter to BOAZ and perhaps the most surprising. So much has occurred within the last week and the lessons just keep coming. Where to start? Let’s start with the stranger I met on the airplane. We have been texting back and forth almost right away and boy did he tackle some of the hard dating questions! He asked my age and how many long term relationships I had had. 😳 I was trying to hold off on talking about any of the exes or the semi ex that is still in my life (the Ex Factor). But the stranger wanted to know. He was 35, looking for his wife, and in his culture he would be considered to be old to be just marrying for the first time. 😳 I felt so overwhelmed answering his questions but could appreciate he did not want to waste his time. As I got more and more overwhelmed, I decided to ask him a few tough questions myself. His culture highly believes in arranged marriages….why wasn’t he arranged? His parents had tried to arrange a marriage for him ten years ago with a girl he met at his cousin’s wedding but there was more “bad than good” and since then his longest relationship has just been a year. Well there goes two red flags for me. While he said he did not want to have an arranged marriage and that his parents are less strict about it, I have a feeling he is unintentionally wasting the time of any woman not in his culture. Some cultures do not budge on the issue that they must marry within that culture. He is in one of those cultures. His parents are probably not “less strict” about an interracial/cultural marriage…they are probably just waiting for him to give up on whatever he is searching for so they can try to arrange another marriage for him. Now my sister, Brenda, says if she has interests in a guy…she doesn’t worry about his cultural rules but she is 24! At 36, I would not recommend to any of my readers to get involve with cultures that out right reject your existence for shits and giggles. 🙄😳😩 It’s one thing if you accidentally fell in love and both decided it was worth the risk to go against your cultures but to start off dating (with no feelings) knowing those restrictions is setting yourself up for failure! At 24 it’s an experience but at 36 it’s a heartbreak at a time finding a good spouse is not easy! So be ware of these things. The stranger is engrained in his culture and does want his parents’ approval. RED FLAG 1 because I’m not in his culture. RED FLAG 2…at age 35 his longest relationship has only been ONE YEAR! Coming from the culture he does, he has either been sowing his wild oats or he has a lack of patience! Even male hoes I have known have had a girlfriend for more than a year…even if they were cheating! I have huge commitment issues and I’ve had a few long term relationships! 😳 I need a man with lots of patience because I require lots of patience! 🙌🏽 If in let’s say 15 years of dating the longest relationship is one year….that speaks volumes. RUN! Now I know what you are thinking…why am I vetting the stranger when I let the Ex Factor get away with a lot? Well isn’t the stranger vetting me? In his culture, a woman my age is lucky to be getting marriage considerations but in JAMAICAN culture a woman is not limited to just marriage! Marriage does not have to be her ultimate goal. She has no limitations! 🙌🏽 And thank God for that because I’m just so different from most women I know. But wait for it… There was something else the stranger said that stood out to me. While he does not believe in arrange marriages, he is okay with love coming after marriage as long as he is compatible with a woman. This is what I like to call a SEMI ARRANGED MARRIAGE! I have friends of many different cultures and religions who did it. They did not want their parents to arrange their marriage but they found someone they are compatible with and had a very short courtship with the intention to immediately marry and start a family. Love does not matter. Just the need for companionship, loyalty, and family. As a matter of fact, this is probably how most people feel after years of love kicking them in the butt. It’s sensible and does work UNLESS you are someone like myself…a person where alone is her comfort zone and would only do companionship because of LOVE! No other reason! 🙌🏽 The only other friend that I have who would understand my way of thinking is Harmony. We want love but we also love our freedom and independence. If we had to choose freedom or companionship…we would choose to be free! 🙌🏽 I know that’s hard to understand especially coming from a woman but I only love because my heart gives me no choice. Not because I believe in companionship. My friends are already the great loves of my life. Wow…that was a lot. Hope I haven’t lost you because we are not done yet. Over the weekend I spoke to Julio, my infamous first love. He jokingly said that we should just get married and have children and be like all the miserable yet in love Jamaican couples we know. He told me he loved me and missed me. And I can appreciate him for those kind words but I think Julio has just given up on love and is settling for a semi arranged marriage with me. We know each other, we know each other’s families, and get how the other person works but I don’t want to spend my life with a man that’s just choosing me because nothing else worked. The best offer I could make him is if we get to 50 and are still single…let’s try to live in the same retirement home so I have someone familiar to hangout with and cuss out. 🤣 I don’t want to be anyone’s fall back plan. If I’m going to fail at love…it will be on my own terms. Yes I’m 36 and the longer I stay with someone who has no future plans for me…I give up the chance to have a family. But for me, I could see myself mourning the children I never had with the Ex Factor but I cannot see myself mourning a family in general. It’s just not my style. Maybe as I get older companionship will become more important but for now it’s still low on my list. Traveling and spending time with my friends and family is so much more important to me. 🙌🏽 Yes I am terrified of love (working out) but I’m even more frightened by the fact that I could one day wake up next to someone I settled for and decide to run from him and the family we created…for only love could make me stay. Maddening…sickening…I can’t stand his face love. And that’s when it dawned on me…I don’t want to live a day without the Ex Factor. However long the time we have is…I need to just stop complaining and enjoy it….for the future is uncertain no matter who you are and no matter what commitments were made. ~KJM on Charm School Monday. I’m not sure if I will continue the Awaiting Boaz series since I’m not ready for him. But the one thing I’m certain of is my true love must be my friend first…that’s what will allow me to let my guard down and love again. I can’t do an arranged nor semi arranged marriage. I’m the Carrie Bradshaw of my time. I want love to be my driving force. If it does not move me…I cannot do it. 🙌🏽
It’s no secret that my personal life has been very toxic for a while. What had escaped me (but probably did not escape my readers) is how much of that toxicness I was dishing out myself. Not only has the Ex Factor not been good for me but in the last year…I haven’t been good for him. I don’t know how I could have missed that. It actually only occurred to me when, during our last argument, he told me that I was acting like a victim when I had insulted him and had such negative thoughts about him. I have actively participated in the madness…and he’s right. I’ve talked to him so crazy! Repeating what I’ve seen in my household growing up. I promised myself I would never become that person but I have. And it’s my journey to work on that. Work on myself…no matter what…putting pride aside and speaking only through love even in the difficult times. From the jump most people told me to walk away. He was young and unsure of what he wanted. This was great advice except I could not. What if I told you that I would only try with a man when my heart beats wildly? What if I told you that I do not believe in companionship unless I am in LOVE? What if I told you to let the broken find the broken and be healed? What if I told you that I did not only participate in the madness…but I AM THE MOTHERFUCKING MADNESS? I’m addicted to it! I breathe it! I have been broken since I was 5. What if I told you that I pray to God that he will allow the broken to find the broken and together he shall grant them peace through true healing? What if I told you that I’m not done? There were times I walked away from the Ex Factor with no notice…I just walked away. No warning shots. In the last year, I’ve been warning and warning…a good indication I’m probably not going anywhere. What if I told you that I’m not settling? Things are not in my favor but is love not a reason to keep trying? So many times we give up. Let go. Let God. Then we wonder why the divorce rate is so high. Things are ugly and I am not married but what if I told you that you don’t learn to fight for what you want only when you are married! That trait does not miraculously pop up because there’s a greater commitment…the fight has to be in you. I’ve never fought for anyone and I’m almost 40! Maybe it is a losing toxic battle but at least I have a fire in me. What if I told you that just as many married couples were struggling the way many of us singles are when we are dating?! Everyone makes it seem like a higher commitment means you are being loved to your full potential…but what if I tell you that is not always so? I know plenty of people creating escape tunnels in their marriages…yet we tell them to stay down. But for us singles…the key phrase is “let go” then we wonder why people let go so easily in their marriages and even with actively raising their children? Now I’m not making excuses for the foolishness in my life. The Ex Factor appears to be incapable of love and I apparently dish a negative love. But let the broken find the broken and together…be healed!🙏🏽 Maybe I am giving up a chance to be married with children with a man who can commit…but what if I told you I never wanted any of those things until I laid eyes on the Ex Factor? In my brokenness, I still chose to love…imperfectly. But at least I chose. That was more than I ever thought I had in me. To the Ex Factor I say….I’m sorry for every insult and toxic word. I cannot control him but I can control myself. It was never my intention to harm. I just wanted to love. ~KJM on Serenity Sunday. Stay tuned because the blog is going to take a surprising twist. This was just the prelude…
It seems like Labor Day weekend is the time that the universe usually shifts my life. 8 Labor Day weekends ago…I decided to stay with the Ex Factor even though he finally revealed he was not ready to be serious with me. During Labor Day weekend 2015, I met Elijah at work. Remember I was “crying and praying” on the train? I thought God had answered my prayers but instead…Elijah was another lesson to be learned. This Labor Day weekend I was determined to undue the mistake I made on Labor Day weekend 2010. So I headed to my second home, Las Vegas, grabbed Harmony, and embarked on an adventure. My spirit wanted to rid my heart of any reminders of the Ex Factor but something strange happened. I missed him for the first time in years of traveling by myself. Most of my vacations I’m running to escape him but on this particular one, my heart yearned for 2010 him. I yearned for the guy I had fallen in love with…not the empty and frozen man he had become. I yearned. So I reached out on Labor Day. Big mistake. Everything was fine on Monday. It was the Tuesday that things went to hell in a hand basket. The Ex Factor text to find out exactly when I would be home on Wednesday. When I told him Wednesday night…he seemed disappointed so I inquired as to why. Apparently the Ex Factor had wanted to stop by and see me. You see…we hadn’t seen each other in almost two months. Next week will actually make it two months since I’ve seen his face. I had to put a stop to us seeing each other. My body couldn’t take him only touching me in the physical sense while leaving my heart naked and bruised. I needed time to think. Breathe. Focus on me. So I took that time. We never lost contact though. Somewhere in our conversation the Ex Factor innocently said something that triggered me and all of a sudden I was cussing his ass out! Full blown Vietnam flashbacks from all the times I felt he neglected or abandoned me. I had turned into a vengeful nagger. I was turning into my mother! Ugh! 😳 Now there are times he had it coming. 2017 has been no picnic with some of the shit that’s come out of his mouth but this time I was on one by my damn self. Before I knew it, the Ex Factor was promising not to contact me anymore. And so my last day in Vegas was a bit sad but it’s Vegas so I pressed on to wrap my trip up in a positive manner. The next day I did text to apologize for my behavior but got no response. Now here is where things got interesting. My flight from Vegas to NJ got delayed because of bad weather! Because I can’t control nature nor the airlines, all I could do was roll with the punches. When we finally boarded, in the aisle seat of my row was an elderly man probably in his 70s. He immediately started chatting with me. The elderly man was slightly overweight and was hoping that whomever that sat in the middle of us had a slim build. A few minutes later…the mystery was solved. A man with a fit yet small build sat with us and off we went. The first two hours of the flight, I tried to take a nap but there was a toddler kicking the shit out of my seat! 😩 When Auntie Kingston could not take the kicks anymore, she sat up and started blogging instead of losing it on the parents who could not control their toddler. Turns out that during his tantrums, the toddler was also kicking the crap out of my fit yet slender build neighbor. When I opened my eyes, the first thing he did was offer me some of the snacks I missed when the flight attendants came by. My first impression of him was…he was kind. In all the years I’ve been traveling alone only one other time did someone save me snacks as I slept on the flight. It was a really sweet married couple. Typically though people feel like if you snooze you lose so I’m use to bringing my own snacks…just as I had on this flight. The handsome stranger and I chatted for the next two hours after I turned down his snacks. We talked about our careers, families, our time in Vegas, and even online dating! I’m one of those women who needs a man to spell out his interests or I just assume he’s just chatting to chat. Somewhere in the conversation, the handsome stranger asked me if I was married, had children, and if I had a pet. After I gave him the three no’s, I explained that I’ve been wanting a dog but work such long hours that I won’t be able to get one until I have a life partner who has a better work schedule. He asked me what type of dog did I want…almost as if he knew that I already knew the kind of pup that would make me happy. I replied…a King Charles Cavalier… and then the handsome stranger did something weird…he typed the breed of my dog in the notes section of his iPhone. This was the first time that I sensed some romantic interest because that’s typically something interviewers do when they are interviewing a good candidate. Still I did not let it rattle me. We continued talking…rather easily. With my messy (from the nap) dark brown and auburn ombré hair and bright red, black, white, and gold nails, I continued to be myself because I was not really sure what the universe was trying to do. The stranger complimented me on my hair (when he first sat down) and then my nails somewhere in our conversation. That’s when it came up. What was I looking for in a partner….and I said “Jesus, Commitment, Pork” again. This time though…I said it without knowing what the stranger’s intention was. When Elijah had approached me at work Labor Day weekend 2015, he made it clear that he wanted to get to know me. Stuck on a flight across the country after a delay…I had no idea where the conversation was going…nor was I concerned about it. As we continued to talk about our different cultures, I could tell that the older man sitting in the aisle seat was reading a book yet paying close attention to the conversation the handsome stranger and I were having. Shortly before my eyes darted to the stars in the sky (as we got closer to our airport), the stranger asked me for my phone number and to my surprise, I gave it to him. I’m always hesitant to exchange numbers with a guy because my guy radar isn’t that good. But once again, I was too tired to even focus on that. I let the universe guide me…along with the stars. As I stared out the window and prayed my Daddy didn’t get stuck at work and would be able to pick me up from the airport…the stranger and the older man ensued in a conversation. In the midst of my ears popping, I could have sworn that I heard the older man tell the stranger that I was beautiful, smart, and spiritual and that the stranger should get my phone number (which he had already). But once again, I focused on the stars. No time to pay attention to whatever the universe had planned. Wait a minute….let’s back it up. I just remembered that it was after I uttered the words “Jesus, Commitment, Pork” that the stranger asked me for my number. He said he liked my philosophy on life and asked if I was more religious than spiritual. My answer was I’m more spiritual though I am Catholic on paper. Jesus, Commitment, Pork….that’s the essence of who I am. I believe in a higher power, I now believe in commitment, and I definitely cannot date a man that cannot eat pork bacon! Lol. When we landed, the older man told me that he has three adopted black daughters from the continent of Africa and he worries about their happiness. The older man said that black women are so phenomenal yet black men can be so disappointing! 🙌🏽 Then he whispered to me…”keep in touch with that guy. I have a good feeling about him.” And that was my time on United Airlines Flight 1906 from Vegas to NJ. 💜 My Daddy was there when I landed and life continued on. I’ve since spoken to the stranger from that flight and while he seems super sweet…I won’t make the mistake of thinking he was God sent (like I did with Elijah) because of his timing! I’m in no rush to get anywhere nor make anyone my anything. And you still just never know about the Ex Factor and I…for all things are possible through Christ. ~KJM on Serenity Saturday. 💜
This is the story of the sweetest “I love you” I have ever received. It wasn’t that I forgot. I think it’s just been a special memory locked in the treasure trove in my heart. That’s where Corey will always be. Brace yourself. This is truly one of those “feel something after you are done reading” blogs. My cousin, Larry, and I were a year apart but in the same grade. Growing up…we were super close. Since he was a boy and I was a tomboy until I was 16 years old, Larry and I did everything together. He taught me how to ride a bike, in-line skate, and even how to drive (minus parking🙄). And Larry didn’t teach me things the easy way because I was a girl. I still have some of the scars from learning how to bike ride (without a training wheel😳). Down the hill I would go and fall I would…scraping up my arms and legs! 😩 Larry had a childhood best friend named Corey. I’ve known Corey since grade school. I don’t have too many childhood memories that don’t include Corey and Larry…that’s how close we all were. Corey knew me before I had breasts! And the last time we saw each other, I was on my way to college and still a virgin!😳One day I was in Larry’s kitchen washing dishes. It was probably our senior year of high school. Somehow Larry made the mistake of leaving Corey and I alone. My cousin’s rule as we grew up was I was still one of his closest friends and family so I could roll with him and his boys anywhere BUT since we both knew I was a girl and my cousin wanted to protect me…he made the rule that I could never date any of his friends. 😳 Several of them had crushes on me over the years but Larry shut that shit down quick. It never bothered me. I could respect Larry’s need to protect me. So there Corey and I were…alone in my uncle’s kitchen as I was washing plates. When Corey first entered the kitchen, I did not bother to turn around and address him for my focus were on those damn dishes! 🙄 He interrupted my thoughts of dish pan hands by telling me that I had grown into a beautiful young woman and….HE HAD FEELINGS FOR ME! 😍😳 I could feel his words lingering in the air as we both stood there in silence. It’s like he was waiting for me to say something while I was trying to find the words. Before I could gather my thoughts and share them with Corey…Larry interrupted us!😳 Then it was back to the dishes I went! This all happened our senior year of high school. Shortly after, Corey enlisted in the Army and I went off to Penn State. It would be about another year and a half before I would hear from Corey. There I was again in a kitchen…nobody would fucking believe I was once so domesticated…but this time it was the kitchen in the efficiency apartment I shared with my college roomie, Autumn (Scarlet’s sister) starting my Sophomore year at Penn State. Our home line rang and it was Corey! 😍 He was calling to tell me that the Army was shipping him to Bosnia shortly and he wanted my address to send me something. I didn’t question it…I just gave Corey my address. A few days later, to my surprise, a letter from Corey arrived! And it would become known to me and my college friends as the sweetest love letter ever written to me. 💕 My heart started to pound as I read every word. My body became light and I felt faint. All of these emotions came pouring out of Corey’s letter. He was in love with me and had been since we were kids. And now that he was being shipped over seas and unsure of what to expect…he didn’t want to waste another minute of life without letting me know how much I was loved! 😘 I reread every word of that first letter and the series of letters Corey sent me during Summer 2001 to all my female friends at school. We would gather…like 10 of us…and swoon as I read his letters over and over. 😍 I started to write Corey back as I now had his Bosnia address (for the time being). But I stepped things up and created a care package of photographs of me, a brand new thong, and some other special items that I wanted him to lay at night with. I wanted Corey to know…that even though we had never kissed…he was loved and I was his. He was so happy to receive my package and years later I would find out that he still slept with my pictures under his pillow and my special items (thong included) had made it back to the US! 💜 You may now be wondering how we managed to lose contact? At the start of my junior year in college…terrorists attacked NYC on September 11, 2001. Shortly after, I received a message from Corey that he was being sent to Afghanistan and was not sure if he would be able to write as our country was now going to war!!! My heart dropped! Love a man and lose him to war. My love would be somewhere in the Middle East fighting to protect the citizens of the United States (I was still a Jamaican citizen at this time and a US permanent resident). Even though neither of us said it…we were both worried Corey would not make it back to the US alive! 😭 I felt so helpless. But what could we do? We were young adults…and one of us promised to bear arms to protect our freedom. It would be about another 6 years before I would hear Corey’s voice again. Before that though, Larry informed me that Corey had gotten some woman pregnant, married her, and they had had a little girl. It was like my heart stopped but I made peace with it all by thanking God for keeping him alive. Even though our love was not meant to be…I carried Corey in my heart for years. I think there is a tiny part of my heart that will always belong to him. And so…6 years later, I would be in NC for graduate school…shopping in a Super Walmart…when my cell phone would ring and it would be Corey! 😍 Some how he convinced Larry to give him my number. Once again, my body felt faint because there was my love…alive…and reaching out to me! Only problem was…he was unhappily married! Now you know I don’t do the married man thing so I had to make myself clear…friendship was all I had to offer! And I only put that on the table because I loved him and we grew up together. For a while we kept in touch but Corey would always warn me not to leave him a voicemail (no matter how innocent it was) because his wife checked them. Not surprised as Corey was quite the male hoe when we were growing up. If his wife knew him well, she would stay on him. One day I forgot and left Corey a voicemail. He called me in a panic and that’s when I told him I couldn’t handle feeling like the other woman…when I wasn’t! So we agreed to stop contacting each other. As long as he was married, there wasn’t even hope of a friendship. We never spoke after that…though I know that he and Larry still keep in touch. When I first started writing this blog, I googled Corey and found all the places he had lived after he got out of the Army. I even tried some of the old phone numbers listed but none were still in service. I could not find him on any social networks but I did find his sister (who I also grew up with) and his beautiful teenage daughter. Now I know what you are thinking…why not ask Larry?! Well you know Larry’s rules…no dating nor falling in love with any of his friends! Doesn’t matter if we are in our 30s now! lol. Besides, so much has happened during the time we were apart. I got my heart broken twice (once by Julio and then by the Ex Factor). And I don’t even know if he’s still married nor looks the same with that tall football build, caramel skin, and black wavy hair. We are both probably so different now. I’m jaded because of all the times I went looking for love in all the wrong places. And who knows what his story is. But I do know he is alive and to this day…he has written me the greatest love letter ever! No one could compete…unless it’s my future husband.💜 Corey, if you are reading this…thank you my love. Thank you for it all. For the love we never got to share stays perfectly locked in the treasure trove I call my heart…never losing it’s value and never lost in time. For in those sweet moments…you were mine. 💜 ~KJM blogging from an airplane on Hump Day but dropping this blog on Throwback Thursday. It’s my two year blogging anniversary and I just couldn’t leave y’all hanging! 💕
So my blog turned 2! Definitely do not have anything planned this year. 2016 and 2017 have been some rough years on many levels. In 2017, there were times I had to choose self preservation over work and working on the blog. This vacation was one of those times! Thanks to everyone who have been supporting me on this venture! One Love 💕 ~KJM on the West Coast 😘
It’s been almost a year since I’ve been writing to you, my love, and I have something to tell you. I have betrayed you. Yes you. You that I have not met yet. You that I have yearned for. I have betrayed you my love and I pray you will forgive me. When I started this journey in September 2016, I knew that I was beginning a metamorphosis. Emerging…would be sides of myself that I never knew existed…the good, the bad, and the ugly. I would also learn to fall in love with pieces of myself that I’ve kept hidden. In this journey, I hoped that it would not take more than a year to feel your presence but a las…it’s almost a year.And what I’ve found is that I’ve sabotaged myself every step of the way by laying with a man that disrespects the core of who I am. He has been receiving your treasures…my love, my body, and even my deepest thoughts. That’s where he has laid…in your bed…in our bed. He dwelled there my love. I don’t know why I allowed this cave dweller to take hostage of your jewels…for I received no pleasure from it. His touch is so foreign that I literally feel sick the next day at the thought of him touching me again. Maybe it’s because in knowing I’ve betrayed you…means that I have betrayed myself too. It was too hard to face my betrayal and was easier to fall deeper into it. Sold myself to the devil for less than a penny! You heard that my love? Less than a penny. I did not do it out of loneliness….for the deepest loneliness I’ve ever known is when the Ex Factor is near me. Happy days are when he’s not around. I’m smiling. I’m living. I’m thanking the Good Lord for my blessings. So why betray you? It’s simply out of habit…for I’ve been betraying myself for seven years now. It just comes so naturally, my love. I feel trapped in a cycle of despair. Such a strong and beautiful woman like myself feels helpless. I made some wrong turns but it was done under the misconception of love. Seven years ago, I fell in love with a wolf in sheep’s clothing and I did not even know it. By the time I realized it, I was in too deep. Too hurt. Too confused. And he holds on so tight even after I beg him (almost daily) to let me go. The wolf is patient. I have told him of your existence and the letters I write you. He does not believe in you. So he will wait…wait to prove that you are never showing up. My prayer for you, my love, is that you will be more patient than the wolf and give me time to continue to work on myself. May you be strong enough to hold me through trials and tribulations. May your love feel so secure that there isn’t a day I doubt you. May you not judge me for my weaknesses. May you love me for my strengths. May you be greater than the sweetest dream. Before I close this letter, my love, I need you to do me one favor. I’ve locked most of my jewels away from the wolf…for my spirit could no longer take laying with weapons of mass destruction. But if you ever see me dining with the wolf, do not hesitate to approach us. No words need to be spoken. I will come with you because you are God’s promise to me. May you never doubt that I am yours…from first sight. And may we slowly walk into the life of eternal happiness that God has bestowed upon us. I am yours, my love, broken, bruised, and hurt but still yours. Do not waiver nor tally in your journey to get to me. May you be able to rebuke all the she-wolves you come across on your journey. Whether you are BOAZ, Moses, Elijah, Jonah, or David, I want to reconfirm my love for you. I am imperfectly awaiting you. Trust in that. No imitation will do. ~KJM on Throwback Thursday! Thank you to all that have been following my “Awaiting Boaz” journey. We are just about one year in! Whether you are waiting with me or you are currently with your Boaz, I thank you for your support. I will fall for I am human but I will always get up…because my faith tells me so. 🙏🏽
I can’t explain to you how ignorant today’s Hump Day blog is about to get! If you are subscribing to my page…please click on the link so you can see AND read the photo that accompanies it! Some woman named, Kyana Williams, wrote an earth shattering post for those of us women who have never had or haven’t had an orgasm through sex in a long while. It’s life changing and a must read! She basically said to get up while having sex with the man that can’t make you climax and go find the most worthless man (probably working in the produce section of a supermarket) and there lies our orgasm! 🙌🏽 I can’t even paraphrase her right. You just have to read it in her own words but according to Kyana, the worst that man’s situation is, the more she is sure our orgasms are there! 🙌🏽 Yasss….Kyana took me down memory lane because I’ve only had a vaginal orgasm with Phoenix (once right before my 29th birthday in May 2010) and all through college with Crazy! Now Phoenix is a man going places in life so this post does not apply to him. Though it’s worth mentioning that after I met and fell for the Ex Factor, I never had an orgasm again! I would still go and kick it with Phoenix on my breaks with the Ex Factor but it was never the same because I was fucking with a broken heart! 😭But I digress. This blog is really about the men Kyana described in her post…like Crazy. Dude was a townie, not attending Penn State, had a huge penis (my first from the well endowed club), no legal job, did not have his own crib for most of the time I knew him, cheated like a motherfucker, and always had me climbing the walls! Now he was a good obsession to have! As long as you don’t catch nothing nor get pregnant by these fools…this is the sexual Mecca right here! 🙌🏽 That’s right…homage your ass to a multiorgasmic experience! 😍 It was so good that the one time I actually physically cheated on a guy…I cheated with Crazy! 🙌🏽 That shit was mind blowing. I’m losing it just sitting here thinking about how great the sex was. I was hooked and it was the one time in my life that I was dick whipped! All hail King Ding A Ling! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🤣 He and I stayed friends for years. I even went back and smashed at the end of Summer 2009….when I had just graduated from graduate school and needed a pick me up. I rented a hotel in State College and boy oh boy did he still have it! 🙌🏽 The only thing was I knew he was lying about having a male roommate. In my heart, I knew he lived with a woman…his woman but he lied! Had he kept it real…we would still be friends. I would have taken that big dick and walked away but instead he lied until his young bitch contacted me! ✌🏾 I’m not about that drama! I thanked her for the drinks and meals he provided me…with her money and then I cut him off for life! ✌🏾✌🏾✌🏾I can’t deal with liars. You can tell me the worst truth and there’s a good chance I will still be down for you! But once you lie…I’m done! Well except for the damn Ex Factor. There’s always one kryptonite. 😩Anyways, back to great sex! Kyana is on to something and I can testify! MOST (not all) ain’t shit dudes are fucking amazing in bed! 🙌🏽 Think about it…he ain’t got shit going on so he got to be able tear some pussy up! Reflecting on this trifling statement, it has occurred to me that it’s been SEVEN years since I’ve climaxed. And it’s not all the Ex Factor’s fault! I’ve never had an orgasm with Julio, Elijah (how could I with a rabbit (sex toy not animal) jammed in me 😐), Mister Toss Salad (though that was one hell of a tossed salad! Had he had a dick that fell between more than my pinky and ring finger…he may have been great! Plus he tossed a salad so well that I kept thinking….how much shit chips does he really like to suck on?😳), and never with the Ex Factor (his selfish ass never even tried…🙄). After doing the math…I realized that I’ve never climaxed in my 30s!!! 😳And I’m almost 40! Fuck that’s an entire wasted decade focused on love and relationships instead of sex! And I went fucking younger!!! Where the fuck are my rewards?! A dry well and a semi bitter spirit! Hell naw! There’s got to be more to life. As I wait for my King, I sure hope I bump into a dude where sex is his middle name (safely that is) and he turns my ass out! That’s the kind of dude that great sex blogs are made of…🙌🏽 ~KJM is not humping around on Hump Day but sure is hoping some great penis falls out the sky soon!😍 Sometimes I feel like unblocking Crazy and getting that old thang back for a night or two…but even I’m not that crazy! Or am I? Stay tuned 🤣
Every now and then an article will catch my eye that will encourage me to discuss what’s going on in the world. Today is one of those days. I opened up my Yahoo News brief email (don’t judge me for still having a yahoo email address lol) to find that a couple engaged in a sexual act on a Southwest Airlines flight from Atlanta to Las Vegas. Now I fly to Vegas multiple times a year and ain’t never made it to what the old skool folks call “The Mile High Club!” 🙄Typically, I’m reading, blogging, or sleeping! Call me boring but having sex on a flight has never crossed my mind. Maybe it’s because I’m always traveling alone and not with a spouse though I have heard of people entering the Mile High Club with complete strangers they met on the flight! 😳 No judgment here…actually…wait just a fucking minute. How does this happen? Now I love flying! Longest flight I’ve ever been on was from Philly to Hawaii. That was I think about 13 hours. I was with two girlfriends…one of which was scared of flying so she happily took some prescribed drugs to knock herself out because there was no way she was going to ruin my first time flying over the Pacific Ocean! 🙌🏽 But I digress… in those 13 hours, I found myself in a spiritual realm of excitement! I LOVE TRAVELING! It never crossed my mind to go to third base or even worse…HOME base…with anyone on the flight! Not to mention, I’ve never flown First Class…yup that’s right…I’m right there in them tight ass Coach seats chilling! 🙌🏽 And you know what I remember the most about flying Coach besides them small ass seats?! The fucking bathrooms were tiny as fuck and gave me a claustrophobic porta potty feeling! 😩 Like if I can hold my pee from the East Coast to the West…I damn sure will! I KEGEL it all the way til the pussy feels like it’s about to fall out! 🙌🏽 Now that’s discipline and vagina suicide all at once! Lol. If I can’t hold out until I land, the most I go to the bathroom is once (on my way to Vegas or San Francisco). Clearly if I’m flying to Europe or Hawaii…the flights are longer and I will have to hold my breath and brace the stench more than once as I go to the bathroom on my flight! 😩 Now if one was on a private jet…I can understand joining the Mile High Club. I’m relaxed when I fly so maybe my coochie could pop for the right man thousands of miles up in the sky but not on no damn commercial flight! My pussy ain’t no communal pussy! 🙌🏽 However to each its own. Hmmm…still TRYING not to judge. 🙄 The fascinating thing about this morning’s article was I’m not so sure this couple joined the Mile High Club from the bathroom! 😳According to reports, they just couldn’t keep their hands off of each other! 🙄 Oh really so you just gonna go southwest on each other while being on Southwest?! Yuck! Now y’all know I’ve had sex in front of my roomie in college and maybe a few passerbys. But those were instances where people accidentally caught me. I was just in a mood where I was willing to take the risk. The first two years of dating the Ex Factor…I’m sure so many people saw us having sex. We were just so anytime any place. On our way to dinner, after a movie, and even near the dirty Hudson River. Yea back in the day we was HOT! 🙌🏽 With our foreplay action and our sex! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽 Yes yes yes…that’s when we craved each other to the fullest. If ever there was a person that I would have sexed on a flight…it would have been him because out of all my men…he doesn’t embarrass easily. At least…he never use to. Who knows now since we haven’t had that kind of passion and spontaneity in our sex life in years! 😩 But back to the horny couple on Southwest! I don’t know where these folks had the sex but now their personal life is FBI record…even though no charges were filed. Yikes. 😳 Friends, be spontaneous with the sex and by all means climax all over the damn place but for goodness sakes keep it classy…or at least sanitary! Lmfao! Ever joined the Mile High Club? Tell Kingston all about it! #goals (on a private jet that is). 🤣 ~KJM on Charm School Monday! 😘
One of the scariest things I’ve heard about folks (especially women over 35 years old) is that many settle when finding a life partner. 😳 Fuck! Being that I cannot even imagine living with a man…I don’t think this will be me but hey you never know. 🙄 Apparently women over 35 years old (especially the ones who definitely want children) have a greater chance of picking a good enough partner. Scary! I know relationships aren’t fairytales but I can’t imagine laying next to a man (for the rest of my life) just because I don’t want to be alone. In my opinion, there are two kinds of settling. The first is when you love someone who just doesn’t deserve you. I’ve done this twice in my life (Julio and the Ex Factor). And then there’s the I don’t care who he is…I just don’t want to be alone settling. Never been guilty of the latter because ALONE IS MY COMFORT ZONE! I vacation by myself…often…and the one relationship I’m constantly trying to improve is the one with myself. I do date nights with myself. Hell, I use to hit my own G spot better than anyone else (minus Crazy from college of course🙌🏽). I would be late for hanging out with my friends because I decided to give myself some extra attention! 🙌🏽😍🤣 I miss those days! 😘To me, men mean trouble so I generally pop my pill and hope to not bump into one I like….but if I do, my womb is protected! 🙌🏽 Now back to this settling mess. A wise person would say settling of any kind is bad but I tend to think that choosing the wrong one out of love is better than settling for any Johnny cum lately. But that’s just me! 😩 Not trying to justify the mess I’m in and have been in for the last 7 years. It’s a mess plain and simple. And while the Ex Factor and I struggle to let go…I just think to myself…what the fuck?! Lol. But I digress. The only thing I’ve been yearning for in the last 10 years is a dog and my Daddy still says no to me getting one because he doesn’t want to get stuck watching Poochie when I work too much or are off traveling. 😩 Really Daddy? I think you and Poochie would be so close. 🤣 Wait until he realizes that that’s his only chance at having a grandchild. 🤣It’s like a dog or nothing. Pending God’s plan of course. 🙄 But I digress again. It’s pretty scary to think that out of desperation me and my over 35 pals may pick anyone. Even with my biological clock being rolled under a MAC truck on I95s, this theory of settling to not be lonely is freaking scary. Terrified for a second but then had a brilliant thought. Let me play devil’s advocate. What if I told you that a large group of my friends (male and female) settled in their 20s! I’ve a good amount of friends on second marriages or divorced. No judgment here but the point is if one has a fear of being alone…it will probably pop up way before turning 35! Many of my friends got married almost right out of college to whomever they had been going steady with for more than 2 years. Some chose the spouse who could commit over a spouse that lights a fire in them. Meaning…many probably did not marry or settle down with the loves of their lives….cause as we know…sometimes the person we love the most…just ain’t good for us. Some folks married rebounds because the timing was right. And I’m not basing this from just my observation…I’m also basing it on what my friends have said! There is something refreshing about a man who can commit but every time I run into one…I usually have to force myself to be attracted to them. Referring to my ugly on the inside and outside rebound men with money. 😩🙄 It’s hard to meet a good quality person no matter their looks. Not to mention a lot of my female friends had to put up with ex wives and baby mamas. Is it too much to ask for a man who does not have this kind of baggage at 36?! This may be why I date younger! Accidentally of course. 😉 I don’t want to deal with physical baggage…I have enough emotional. 😐 That may sound selfish but that’s where I am. Settling is such a terrible concept but in actuality…most people do it at any age. Just some realize it later! 🙌🏽 ~KJM on Hump Day!