So it’s the day before Thanksgiving and I could blog about avoiding toxic family members or how not to be sad on holidays (if they are not your thing) but it’s still freakin HUMP DAY and I just have to honor that! Time to get sexually ignorant! 🤣 Like cockroaches that the exterminator missed…exes always seem to pop up during the holidays. 😩 It is one thing if it’s the ex you still love and want to work things out with but it’s a total other thing if they are exes who think you still want them because you are single. To them I say…no sir. Nobody wants you! Take that mess somewhere else! ✌🏾 Today’s blog is dedicated to those exes we want to get right…quick. I’m going to say some of the things many of you have wanted to say but hesitate for fear of it falling on deaf ears or from fear of looking like a psycho bitch. Of course, here at Kingston Expressions I am not afraid to go there! 🙌🏽 Here are the top 10 things my exes will not find in my vagina this holiday season: 10. HE WILL NOT FIND HIS MAMA IN MY VAGINA! For all the mamas’ boys out there….you will not find remnants of your mama in my vagina. That means that I don’t want to hear shit about how she cooks your meals, STILL cleans up after you, cuts your meat up for you, AND warms up the breast milk just right for you! Bro, you will find none of these things in my vagina! I’m not your mama and don’t want to be! Take your pacifier sucking self back to mama because ain’t shit for you here in my vagina!!! You don’t need a girl…you need a fucking nanny! ✌🏾 9. HE WILL NOT FIND HIS EX GIRL IN MY VAGINA! I’m really sorry she did a number on you but I just dug deep and looked between my clit and my asshole and guess what I did not find?! That bitch of an ex of yours! 😳 She was never in one flap of my luscious inner walls! I think you are lost and made a wrong turn because the foundation of my vagina is made up of passion, pleasure, loyalty, trust, and an eruption of ecstasy fit for a king. Only little boys are looking for their exes in other women! Take that mess and the hurt you brought with you somewhere else! ✌🏾 8. HE WILL NOT FIND HIS BALLS IN MY VAGINA! I am a strong black woman who is not without flaws. Love you hard I will. Support you I will. But I will be damned if I have to play hide and go seek with your balls in my own vagina! Yuck! So turned off right now! Be a man and have your word be your bond without me constantly having to remind you that you are not keeping your commitments! 🙌🏽 Mean what you say and let your actions support your words! Please do not blow smoke up my ass! My vagina will not tolerate such behavior! While the vagina is very flexible…it will not house your balls! ✌🏾 7. HE WILL NOT FIND FINANCIAL SECURITY IN MY VAGINA! With all this talk of gold diggers from men who “ain’t got a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out of” but front like they do…I’m gonna need to remind y’all that in 2017 women are doing it for themselves! We would like a rock not a damn anchor! If my stock is going to go down rolling with you…just keep it fucking moving! Yes you mister 500 baby mamas! My coins are not for them nor you! If you are looking for a come up…get up and get a job! You want to be the king of a castle? Well then make a king’s wage and maintain that castle! ✌🏾And stop driving your girlfriend’s car! Scrub! ✌🏾✌🏾✌🏾 6. HE WILL NOT FIND FREE PUSSY IN MY VAGINA! I’m tired of telling y’all men that pussy always costs! It may not be a monetary cost but there is a cost unless you are fucking a woman who does not know her worth or suffered from temporary insanity (I’ve been there)! 😳 If you can’t afford to take your lady on dates, then you can’t afford to fuck! 🙌🏽 It’s that fucking simple! “No romance without finance!” If you are a good man who use to do right but fell on hard times…a good woman will keep the pussy warm for you for a short and limited time while you get your shit together! 💜 A bad woman will dip out on you the day you cashed your last check! 😩✌🏾5. HE WILL NOT FIND HIS SELF ESTEEM IN MY VAGINA! A woman should encourage her man on his journey in life but it is not her job to constantly tell him how great he is!!! I dated a guy once that no matter how much I reassured him that he was a good person and great to me…his insecurities blocked us from progressing every step of the way! Women have to deal with so much that men don’t…that it becomes freaking exhausting to have to reassure ourselves and our men every day! We are raising children, excelling in our careers, and trying to keep positive self esteem as society tries to beat us down. It’s just too much to have to hold ourselves together and our men 24/7. Sometimes we need reassurance and support! Sometimes we need a break! Sometimes we need that kind word! A good woman will always support her man! Thus, he should be just as strong to support her on whatever she needs. If her man isn’t confident in himself….how can she trust in their future? ✌🏾 4. HE WILL NOT FIND A WEAK WOMAN IN MY VAGINA! If you want a woman that requires nothing of you…by all means please pass me and my vagina by! ✌🏾 I require a lot from my friends and family so why would I not require a lot from the man in my life?! And I never ask for things that I do not possess myself. If you want an equal strong enough to pick you up when you fall…I’m your woman. But if not…keep it moving because my vagina is anything but weak! 🙌🏽 3. HE WILL NOT FIND HE OWNS MY VAGINA! I don’t care if we are married or just dating…my vagina belongs solely to me! I may joke around and say she’s yours but let’s be real…my vagina goes where I go! She eats and sleeps when I do! My vagina keeps only my secrets and she is strong enough to shelter me from any storm! 🙌🏽 You could be husband number one or husband number nine (if I’m on my Elizabeth Taylor game)….my vagina still only belongs to me. Her loyalty and depth are only for me. You are just temporarily being housed there but there is no amount of mortgage in the world that you can pay that would make you her full owner! My vagina is PRICELESS! 🙌🏽 2. HE WILL NOT FIND AN ENDING IN MY VAGINA! My vagina is the giver of life. She has the power to birth even after years of being barren. In her lies the hopes and dreams of many nations. Only she can carry on generations. Even when she takes her last breath…her legacy lives on! 🙌🏽 You see there is no ending in my vagina. Only a beginning. Full of promise. Full of hope. That’s the stock my vagina is made of. She breathes life! 💜 1. HE WILL NOT FIND A TEMPORARY HOME IN MY VAGINA AS HE PREPARES HIMSELF FOR ANOTHER WOMAN! This shit really fucks me up! A good woman puts in the time and energy to upgrade a man only for him to leave her for some basic bitch that had better timing than her. 😩✌🏾🔪 You will not use my vagina as a temporary home where you learn how to love, trust, and be patient with someone else. For even if you settle with that basic bitch…you will realize that she never did the work yet reaped all the “benefits.” She won’t be built to weather you in any storm! Only I can do that because I truly loved you and stayed with you during difficult times. I stayed even when I had no good reason to stay. That’s how deep my love once ran for you. Always remember that vagina will haunt you for all the days of your life if you forsake me. To prevent this all from happening, I am shutting down any training camps. Find another temporary home and get at me when you are whole, confident, mature, and sure of what you want….for I am anything but basic! Never forget that my pussy is very calculated. You see if you don’t do right by me…my vagina will take all of her super human powers and move on to a man more deserving! ✌🏾 ~KJM saying “mi pum pum bring life” in my sister, Brenda’s voice on Hump Day! Lol.
I live a very blessed life. So blessed that sometimes I am moved to tears! 🙌🏽 However, there are moments (like this holiday season) where I feel like I arrive everywhere a day late and a dollar short.😩 For example, 15 years ago my career was highly lucrative but when I entered it at the height of the 2008/2009 recession…I barely made ends meat! And there were some years…I didn’t even do that…my Dark Ages (May 2009-June 2013). This is the time I learned to not only cry but to weep! I mean I did everything the right way and still got my butt handed to me. First adult lesson in life…just because you work hard does not mean you will be rewarded.🙌🏽 Ever since, I feel stuck but refuse to take a pay cut to start over in a different field! ✌🏾 I am a single woman whose independence is essential to her being. I can’t and I won’t go back to the dark ages! I vacationed in hell for so long and I made it out! Thank you Lord! 🙏🏽 In the midst of the Dark Ages, I met the Ex Factor (June 2010) and it all made sense. The Good Lord had sent me to this place of darkness to find the light within me…to make me fall in love in a way I never thought possible. But after a couple of months…even that love had “a day late and a dollar short” feeling. If I hadn’t gotten dropped on my face, I would never have loved so openly and so deeply. I know that for a fact because I had been married to my education for so long. If everything had gone as I planned, I would be married to my career too! Through the insecurities and the instability of my heart and my career…some blessings still emerged! 🙏🏽 Like the blessing to travel whenever I want! The blessing to live on my own again! The blessing to love a difficult man unconditionally…the blessing to choose him everyday and not because I had to but because I wanted to. The Ex Factor in every sense of the word is my real first love!!! Remember how hard it was for you to break free from your first love?! Hell…some of y’all are married to them now (even after separations, trials, and tribulations)! I’m always cheering those couples on because I get the road wasn’t paved easily for them but they made a way! 🙌🏽 Even with all these blessings…I sometimes focus on the things that feel like curses…career and personal life. I know there is rebirth after every death of a season but sometimes the wait for that rebirth seems endless. Even if I got into a healthier relationship…I’m always going to love the Ex Factor. Some things you just know about yourself. And even if I got a new career…the newness of it all may restrict my ability to travel! 😳 Know this about me…I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT TRAVELING! It’s literally the air I breathe even if I’m frequenting the same destinations…because every time I arrive…I learn something new about myself. I breathe in life and self exploration…and I AM BORN AGAIN…into the life I have dreamt for myself. 😍 Those are the moments I live for! The moments when I see only the blessings in my misfortunes…for without them…I would have never traveled to this place! I would never have fell in love. I would never feel free. I would never appreciate my ability to always be there for myself. 🙌🏽 ~KJM on Flashback Friday. They say timing is everything. Maybe we aren’t a day late and a dollar short. Maybe we just haven’t arrived at our unknown destinations yet. But when we do….may our hearts and pockets be forever full! 💕
I have written several blogs on taking responsibility for my own happiness. This one has the same theme but from another viewpoint. Yesterday, I briefly spoke with the Ex Factor. I contacted him after asking for some space a week ago. Needed time to think. Needed time to clear my mind. I do not agree with a lot of things he says and does but two things I cannot deny: 1. He has been trying very hard these last couple of months to make me happy and 2. Being with him now (and for the last couple of years) has been my choice. With that being said, I needed some serious ME time to regroup. I blew up my own house when I was all smiles and did so unapologetically. 😳 Yes his lack of serious commitment to me is selfish but it is also true that he isn’t forcing me to stay. I mean…he’s made it clear that he would like me to stop pressuring him and stay in this moment with him but he isn’t holding me hostage! My big issue is with forgiveness! I struggle with how long I have loved him and turned up with very little in return. Most folks say GET OUT and RUN but truth be told many say that because they believe I am wasting my childbearing years on him. If we had children and/or were married, I promise many would be singing a different tune and I would be called the selfish one for always wanting a break. Our situation is toxic at times but name one couple together for more than 5 years that never entered dark phases in their relationship? The only folks I can think of are still in the “newlywed” phase and have no clue what long term looks like yet. The funny thing with me is I’m not sure about marriage and children. I have said that from the beginning. I see what a serious commitment takes and some of it I frown upon. I know folks who have their heads so far up their husbands or wives’ asses that they have lost friendships and even family. Even more tragic…they have lost themselves. 😳 Everything is just about their spouse. That’s fucking scary to me. If anything ever went wrong, they have now isolated themselves from the support systems they have had for most of their lives! ✌🏾When I see men doing this…I find it to be so odd. Society does not require them to lose their identity to be married but unfortunately us women are expected to. I have friends that I use to consider brothers and sisters that are now strangers to me. They only know about my life by reading my blog! 😳 And since I’m cracking down on continuously supporting people who no longer support me…I now keep them on the surface as associates! ✌🏾Now that’s not to say I don’t have some married or long term commitment friends who do a great balance of embracing their spouse while maintaining their own identity but they are really far, few, and in between. Shout out to them for giving me hope! 🙌🏽 I do not want the Ex Factor nor any other man to be my sole source of happiness. Brings me to another point….I’m fighting with the Ex Factor to do something we both feel is unnatural…being each other’s all! 😳 I mean his ass can always do more but I can also let go of the fucking past and appreciate how many obstacles we have overcome. Now I know some of you are reading this and are thinking I’m seriously smoking some shit by thinking about continuing this situationship (I actually haven’t made a decision yet) but hear me out. What your goals are and what mine are…may be different. The fact that I’m open to having children but they aren’t a must already puts me at odds with 99% of the women on this earth. I’m in the minority…I get it. If I was sure…this would be different. Leaving would be easier and make good sense but I’m almost positive neither marriage nor children are for me. The side of me that does not want to be a mother is stronger than any side the Ex Factor awakened to motherhood. And what if one day he wants children and I’m too old to have them? We have to cross that bridge when we get there. Many people got married thinking it was forever and got divorced. Some thought children were always in the cards and they weren’t. All we can do is deal with what’s right in front of us NOW. I have to let the weight of my age go. I look fucking amazing for my age! Also, I am so proud of the life I live. It’s just for ME. 🙌🏽 That was always my plan. To travel, to explore, and it be just me. That was the original plan. So knowing all of this…I have to ask myself if I can do without having the types of relationships I see around me? Can I stay emotionally independent? Can I accept responsibility for all the risks I’m taking? Can I stop with the blame game for my own unhappiness? If we are having a good moment…we should just enjoy that moment. Can I fall in love again with myself and my life and not make it all about where the Ex Factor and I are not going? Can I do these things? Because if not (and I stay)….I am now responsible for every tear I cry and all the heartache I feel. If I’m standing by him…by us…then I can’t complain he is wasting my time. Three and a half months into dating, he wasted my time by not being upfront about not wanting anything serious but after that I knew and I stayed anyways. And even the two years I left and moved to Richmond, the Ex Factor was in my heart. I have been choosing him for years….knowing his limitations. Is it fair to me? NO! But neither is me staying and pressuring him to be serious before he’s ready to. Truth be told, I love my freedom. I love kicking it with Harmony when I feel like it without being worried about a man. I like loving him but still being ME. And check it…I love my maiden name!!!! I am in no rush to tag a man’s name behind that bad boy…if ever. 🙌🏽 There’s so much about how I’m living my life that I love. I just want to feel somewhat normal but we aren’t ever going to be normal! That’s our truth! I think the Ex Factor loves me in his own way. The fact that he doesn’t ever ask for a break speaks volumes but we both acknowledge that I currently want more than he can give. Lots to think about here but the one thing I’m clear on is…I would only do even a semi form of commitment for LOVE. No other man would get all these chances and all this understanding. And I am not the kind of woman that would be satisfied with just any man that can commit…especially if I am not attracted to him. Maybe I am breaking my own heart but I never even knew I had one until I met the Ex Factor. Everything before was just puppy love. Not a love that has gone through hardships and is still going… ~KJM on Throwback Thursday. Shout out to all my friends and family who have listened to me whine and complain about this issue for years: My brother, Junior, and my sister, Brenda and my friends: Grace, Nicole, Lioness, and Harmony. Love you guys like some good stew peas and rice! Thanks for supporting me/us. 💜
Happy Hump Day! Meant to write a blog yesterday but ended up catching up on some of my favorite blogs (like ToiTime) instead of writing. 😳 Today I want to tackle the big elephant in the room! According to a few articles I have recently read (and old wives tales), the Male Libido is at its peak in their teens/early 20s and starts to wane (decrease) from there on while we women have a huge increase going all the way into our 40s and beyond! 🙌🏽 Payback is a bitch! Men never thought all them years of tricking but not treating the women who love them would catch up to them but it does! 🙌🏽 Truth be told, if we weren’t sold the Virgin Mary story, women could outdo man from the jump! We can have continuous climaxes without our bodies ever stopping! 🙌🏽 Yas lawd! It’s finally good to be a woman…that is if them fools can get us to the climaxing phase! 🤣 But I digress! Loss of Male Libido is something no one wants to talk about. The topic cuts a man’s balls off…so to speak…and we women spend so much time internalizing shit that we either think our men are no longer into us or he is cheating! 😩 While anything is possible…for each man is different…there’s a huge possibility the waning Male Libido (don’t know why autocorrect keeps capitalizing this shit lol) will affect most men in their long term relationships! The minus here is until this happens your man may be in every woman’s back door (if he is a dog that is). 🔪🔪🔪 The plus is when his stock is going down (literally) there’s a chance yours will go up! 🙌🏽 So what you gonna do, Sis?! Lol. There may be a time when “you gotta have it” and “one man won’t satisfy you.” You are now fully in the driver’s seat as Erectile Dysfunction (ED) generally comes after the waning Male Libido! 🤣 Funny…but not funny! This is a good time to say that this isn’t an article about how your man can overcome ED. Nope! ✌🏾 I’m no doctor though I have been through the waning libido scenario with more than one man. It takes patience, understanding, and taking the pressure off the sexual act while helping to relieve your man’s other stresses that may be affecting your bedroom action. So once again…I’m no doctor. Just a female blogger who is pointing out the sexual irony here. Most men love to roam but Sis…they really not built for the job! WE ARE! 🙌🏽 If there is some woman right now crying because of her cheating man….rest assured that he’s getting ED wrapped up in his Christmas stocking stuffer one of these days! 🤣 But I digress again! We women need to relax on making everything about us! Sometimes the penis doesn’t work…because it just doesn’t! Take a deep breathe, resuscitate it if you can, and wake up as the goddess you are! These issues will come up the longer you are with someone. I once had a more mature female friend tell me that you don’t even know dick until you are in your 40s! 😳 Apparently out of the shadow of those premenopausal hot flashes is a penis that we cannot wait to ride! 😩 Oh my! 😳 I am not ready…or am I? 😇 Either way, we have earned orgasms until the day we die! If the statistics are correct though…you may have to find a younger man to give you those Big Os until you hit the grave! 🙌🏽 You ain’t got to love him…you just got to enjoy fucking him! 🤣🙌🏽😍 Happy Humping my Queens! ~KJM on Hump Day! 😘
RUN! That’s all I have ever heard people say. It’s toxic. It’s abusive. So run. It can kill you. He can kill you. That’s what I grew up hearing. So much truth to these statements but they also left so many unanswered questions. And to some degree…those of us who choose to love the broken…are also broken. That’s one of the reasons why we stay. Something happened in our childhoods and/or in our own relationships that makes us hesitant to RUN! And in a way, we all die a slow death when brokenness is present. We all die a slow death. But my question is…if we all ran…who would love the broken? Do they not deserve to be loved too? I mean…do we not deserve to be loved too? If we all gravitated to the healthy and the whole…who would love the broken? If we all sought the love we deserve…who would try to get the numbness to feel? Seriously, who would do this? Who would stay when most say…RUN? Who would give love when very little love was being shown to them? Who would be selfless and sacrifice smiles to trade them in for tears and heartbreak…for years of heartbreak? Who would stop to love those that are lost and hopeless? We are all dying a slow death when broken because no sunlight has shined into our messy homes filled with weeds that had long died. We are the broken. Who will stop to give grace when no one wants to be bothered with anyone that is less than perfect? Who will forgive our failed attempts to get it together? Who will understand us? Who will stay? Are we foolish for not running? But if we all ran…once again…who would love the broken? And if I took my track shoes off and decided now was not the time to abandon him because I have enough strength in me to see through the dark tunnels…glimpses of light…am I suffering from an intense brokenness? Am i hopeless? Am I too lost? Who will love the broken? I am broken and…I love the broken. And in broken silence we stand. Hurting and confused…dying a little bit everyday. But if I left, who would love the broken? Who would see through the night turning into day? There has to be daylight right? It can’t stay night forever? I know it’s not suppose to be like this…yet I’m still in love with the broken. ~KJM on Charm School Monday. Everything is not always black and white…and while I ponder my next move…I’m trying to really access the situation because I don’t want to be in this place next year.
Yesterday, Tamar Braxton released a statement on her Instagram about her upcoming divorce. Typically, I don’t follow celebrity gossip but since it was coming from the horse’s mouth…I figured I would read it because there was sure to be a lesson in it. 💙Okay…let’s dive into that lesson. According to Tamar, despite a united and happy public front, she was unhappy, abused, and cheated on in her marriage….at least this is what her post alludes to. She said she was saving face for many years to show the world her and Vince were happy. Now I don’t know them personally so I can’t even begin to access their divorce. My guess would be..it is going to be messy as hell but I’m hoping for the best. Tamar’s post brings me to an interesting question…why are we (as a society) always trying to sell perfection?! Now you know I don’t. Career a mess. Relationship a confusing mess. Life…still trying to figure it out. This, of course, does not mean I sell unhappiness at Kingston Expressions! I definitely do not! But in order for me to grow…I dive in…not only on the good days but also on the bad. I think I can do that successfully because I’m in the dating phase of my relationship and I’m no longer married to my career! However, if I was at the top of my field and married to the Ex Factor…I would have to tread lightly in what I share. But here at the bottom (“started from the bottom now we here”🤣), I can be as real about my shit and still breathe clean air…not too worried about who is judging me.🙌🏽 So back to this perfection in relationships (cause careers are another beast in themselves)! People sell happiness, even when they are not, because happiness is a sign of success! Like your marriage made it! Woot woot! 🙌🏽 And because of this…you are now an expert on love and relationships! 🙄 Can I tell you how much I hate the people who sell that their spouses are their best friends and that being in a relationship is easy when it’s the right one?! Loathe those folks!!! ✌🏾 You know why? It’s not that it’s not possible for your spouse to really be your best friend…but if that’s the case…I’m guessing you don’t have too many real friends! 😳 I mean come on! We love them but we also need a break from them just like we need breaks from our parents, siblings, and children! 🙌🏽 Lets keep it all the way real…many friendships out lasts most relationships! That’s why I cherish my friendships so much! Many of my friends go way back with me “like babies and pacifiers!” 😍 No significant other will ever know me to the degree that my friends do! I mean my BFF, Zack, and I knew each other when we were still virgins! 😳 Some friends knew me before I had breasts! No spouse can know you like that! Chances are you been through decades with your friends…while some boyfriends/husbands don’t last a good five years! 🙄 Once again, I’m just keeping it all the way real…well my version of real. 🤣 So yes it is possible for your spouse to be your best friend but this is probably a rare instance and that’s okay! To be together we don’t need to shit and eat together every second of every day! 🙌🏽 Let me play devil’s advocate for a minute. Since I don’t sell perfection and I’m pretty open about the many issues the Ex Factor and I face…I get folks giving me unsolicited advice all the damn time! ✌🏾 If you aren’t my brother, Junior, or my friends, Grace and Nicole, I’m probably not asking you shit. Just need a listening ear. You see…none of the above sell perfection but they support us and make it clear that relationships are fucking work and they are HARD! Living with someone, growing with someone, and building with someone will take strength you never knew you had! So don’t believe the hype or the perfect Facebook posts…shit is real and shit is hard if you are aiming for forever! If you aren’t ready to roll up your sleeves and do the work…WHILE WORKING ON YOURSELF TOO…don’t even try to be about that forever journey with someone. 🙌🏽 This is why I just tip toe on the sidelines. I am just not all the way ready and while some of you can get ready while you dive in…there are many of us who need to complete the journey of working on ourselves before we can bring another person into our eternity! 🙌🏽 So what should you get from today’s blog? Perfection simply does not exist.✌🏾 The more we try to portray perfection…is the deeper into the land of despair we get. 😩 Be real about your good AND bad days. This doesn’t mean that you should share everything with everyone (definitely protect your union) but please don’t be out here selling fairytales. 🙄😩 Before I went off to graduate school, a dear friend of mine who had already gone through my rigorous program sat me down and told me it was going to be hard, my body would fall apart, and my mind was going to leave me at times but I would get through it!!! And she was fucking right…only it was worse than what she described! Now she wasn’t discouraging me from going…she just wanted me to be prepared…and you know what? When those tough times came, I stuck with my program! I had committed myself to the ups and downs and went in knowing that especially as a minority…I was going to have to fight for my degree!!!! 🙌🏽 And by the grace of God…I did just that! 🙏🏽 Relationships are different from educational programs but the theme of putting your blood, sweat, and tears into something you committed to…rings true..just the same! 🙌🏽 ~KJM on Hump Day! Tamar Braxton, I wish you love, light, and peace as you step into your new reality! 💜 An authentic life is the only life worth living! 🙌🏽
On Friday, I wrote a blog titled “The Leftovers” and the theme was about fighting the way I think about my relationship. As luck would have it, Facebook reminded me that on the very same day last year, I wrote a blog called “Sabotaging Your Own Happiness” that expresses the same sentiments of wanting to leave the Ex Factor when everything was going great. 😳 Facebook also reminded me that I cry a lot around this time of year! Up almost the exact same nights…CRYING! 😳 As if the weeks of insomnia in October weren’t enough proof…Facebook has reminded me that I’m currently deep into my Seasonal Affective Disorder! The sad thoughts, crying, moodiness, and the need to be alone were all in place. Now being fully aware of what’s going on with my mind…I was careful to only speak with friends (over the weekend) who were also experiencing SAD and specific immediate family members who are understanding of it. I tried to stay away from friends and family who trigger it…especially my mother and the Ex Factor! My mother triggers about every negative experience I have had in my life. I hate writing that but it’s true. She makes the holidays/any special events hard on us all EVERY YEAR! 😳🙄 As a matter of fact, she sent me a group of text messages early Friday morning that just set me off. 😩 I know that’s hard to understand for those of you with great relationships with your moms but some of us have some serious mommy issues! 🙌🏽 So my SAD is here? What to do? Last year, the Ex Factor and I fought so much during this time. He enjoys this season. The Ex Factor has great family and friends who all celebrate birthdays (his included) and anniversaries during this season…while I’m in my own circle of hell. In past years, I either break it off with him or try to keep us both going…but this year I have no energy for any of it! My first priority is ME! This is a time I need him to carry us. I warned him in early October of how hard this season is for me but what I did not do was spell out the support I need during this time! 😳Communication is so difficult for me in general…but especially during SAD. I don’t know how to express myself unless I’m speaking to someone who is also going through it. I’m trying to limit my interactions with my mother (started that in May actually) and redecorate my apartment to welcome the holidays (instead of cringing at the sight of Christmas decorations). I plan on buying my first Christmas tree this year too. I love love love real Christmas trees but in the last couple years we have not been able to have one because my mother claims she’s NOW allergic to them! 🙄 These are just some of the ways I’m trying to deal with my SAD and uplift my mood. While I have no clue how to successfully conquer SAD, I am aware that the methods are different for everyone.💙 My goal is just to be good to myself and to be patient with myself as my moods shift and sad thoughts are upon me. If you suffer from SAD or clinical depression…this season is not easy. BE GOOD TO YOURSELVES!!! I cannot stress that enough! For those with families that they are taking care of, try to set aside some regular ME time to replenish all the energy you have given others. In a way, I’m so lucky that it’s just me that I have to worry about but in other ways I’m unlucky because I live alone with no one to snap me out of my moods when they start to swallow me up. 😩 Blogging about SAD and how the holidays represent a season of loss for me (miss my Grandma Gloria so much) helps keep me grounded. Also, I am going to try to volunteer with my Daddy at least once this season, watch shows that make me laugh like the Golden Girls, try to exercise the body to take pressure off of the mind, and try to rest as much as I can. That’s the game plan! One last thing, if you are experiencing SAD it is good to acknowledge that it is real while the thoughts you are having may not be. Your fears and worries are real but the way you are drawn to dwell on them during this season is a sign of SAD. In other seasons, you may easily brush off some of these negative thoughts and focus on the positives! Try to be aware of all of this as you interact with others! 🙌🏽 So no…you don’t have to instantly pretend to be happy for the sake of others but you definitely have to acknowledge that you are in a season (unless you are clinically depressed…in this case…seek professional help) that will pass! 🙌🏽 The sun will come out! Hang on! ~KJM on Charm School Monday! 💙 FYI seeking professional help during a seasonal depression is not a bad idea either! Do what works for you! Good luck!
Let me start off by saying I am a Gemini who is currently on her period! Lol. So that means that today’s thoughts will range from emotional to borderline psychotic! 🤣 Lately, because I have a little more time on my hands than usual, I have been in my own mind. 😳 The last two months have been great with the Ex Factor! I can see and feel him trying. And that’s a beautiful thing. A couple of times, he has even surprised me in a good way. I love good surprises! 🙌🏽 Though he gets irritated when I say he surprised me…but bro for real…you haven’t tried this hard in years! 😳 So of course I’m gonna cheer you on. Lol. This week, when nothing has gone wrong, I start to overthink things. Forgiveness is totally not my thing…well not in a romantic situation. The Gemini never forgets which at times can help sabotage our own happiness. Folks do fuck up…even the Gemini…but still we hold things against our lovers. This isn’t one of our greatest traits. Couple holding grudges with an active brain that loves to replay pain and the Gemini is definitely in trouble! 😳😳😩 While I can feel him being more present…in ways he had not been…I still cannot help but remember all the hurts from the past 7 years. This may be hard for couples who are newly dating to understand but folks that have been together 5 years or more can feel me on this. I’m choosing to stay on this journey with the Ex Factor and sometimes I resent myself for it. 😳 There…I said it! My ego and pride says I shouldn’t even be dealing with him but if you ask my ego and pride…they would also tell you that I shouldn’t ever have to go through shit! 🙌🏽😩 That’s right! I said that too.😳 In all my years of dating, with the exception of the Ex Factor, I have never worked shit out with anyone. Anytime Julio and I would get into it (only bringing him up because he’s my only other long term relationship 😩 *throws up in mouth just a little bit*) I would dump his ass (usually after 3 months) and go date another dude! Later we would get back together but never discuss our issues! We did this for 10 years! 😳😳😳 If you remember nothing else from today’s blog, please always communicate with your spouse! Continuously sweeping dirt under the rug will always make for a dirty house…from the foundation up!😩😭 But back to me! Lol. Kingston was never meant to go through any bullshit…that is until I realized that I’m not perfect and if I never work through things with someone I love…I’m going to end up alone…like some of the other women in my family. While they went through hell and back with their men…not one (that I know of) aimed to work on themselves…at least not in my parents’ generation! My Great Grandmother Alice was the only woman who broke the mold in our family…as a mother and wife. May God forever rest her beautiful soul. She was one of a kind. 💜 Thinking that your spouse is always the issue and it’s never you is a recipe for a lonely life! 😳 Remember this…keeping a man ain’t everything but working on being a better person for ourselves should be everything! 🙌🏽 Now that I have laid the foundation for this blog…let’s get back to my mind playing tricks on me. The other day I had the urge to go and find the text messages the Ex Factor sent me in April. It was the most hurtful yet nicely written messages I have ever read. Shots fired and I was getting hit in every part of my body. I went numb rereading those messages. Like why would I do this? They weren’t easy to find for I had deleted them from my phone…but had sent them to Grace, one of only two friends I would ever share something so personal with. 💙 I knew in my text history to her…the messages would be in there. And there I was…reliving his painful words. My sister, Brenda, says that if I chose to stay with the Ex Factor, I should not be bringing up things from the past years! Even though I struggle with this concept…these messages happened in 2017 and it’s still 2017…and I am still hurt. It’s like my mind says…be happy now but never forget!😭 And once someone puts something in writing (my fault because I broke our don’t discuss big issues via text rule) it’s so hard to forgive. Trust me…if we make it…I am sure some of the blogs I’ve written would bother him. I don’t think hurt him though…cause I don’t think I have the power to do that. So what to do? He’s trying but I can’t let go of the pain. Sometimes I feel like I’m just receiving his leftovers…from his friends and family. While I can almost finish most of his sentences…I still wonder how much do I truly know about the real him? Yup…after 7 years together (on and off) two people can still be strangers. Has he been receiving my leftovers? In some ways yes because leftovers were all I was raised to give. I cannot fathom being married much less living with a man. It’s not that I’m not up to the challenge but I just know myself well enough to know that I’m only doing all that shit once! Once! I can’t be like Julio…out there doing all this serious stuff with not serious bitches and ending up with nothing. Yea…I’m taking shots…because he always got some shit to say about my love life. ✌🏾Once. One womb! One man! One husband! That’s what I’m aiming for. Fuck all the rest of them hoes I use to be down with.✌🏾✌🏾✌🏾 Only my forever man matters. And what I see in the Ex Factor’s eyes…I still don’t see in no one else’s. 😍 He’s the only man I can stand to be with for days on ends. Couldn’t stand Julio for more than 30 minutes…even when we were kids…because there is just not enough room for me, him, his ego, and his huge Napoleon complex…but I digress again! Just wanted to make that shit crystal clear because that Julio delusional. Ain’t been checking for him on a serious level since May 2007 and on any level since January 2010! 🙌🏽 If a man ain’t good for even fucking…he ain’t good for shit! 🙌🏽 Now back to me and my mind…why won’t I let myself be happy? I want forgiveness so I should be willing to give it too! I want a serious relationship when it’s convenient for me. Believe it or not…some women do have commitment issues! I have had those issues my entire life…stemming from my childhood. 😭 That love shit wasn’t gonna be for me. Children…a hell no! And a husband….hell naw! 🙌🏽 But as I have always said…the Ex Factor is a game changer…but am I his? Only time will tell. Until then…why won’t my mind let me rest? ~KJM on Flashback Friday. What do you do when you are in a negative head space?
Every now and then one of my sexually repressed friends/associates will mention that a friend of theirs recently asked them for some advice about sex. 😳🙄 I stop dead in my tracks every time…because like…the blind cannot lead the blind! 🙌🏽 Lets back it up for a moment. When I use the phrase “sexually repressed” I am speaking of a woman where missionary is about the only thing on her agenda…once every six months…naturally. Not referring to anyone who has had sexual trauma or is just out of the game right now because they are taking a break from sex. I’m speaking of that woman or man who grew up thinking sex is taboo and only for reproduction purposes. There are such people. For example, I know some folks who think if a woman sleeps with more than one man…she’s a whore. 🙄✌🏾I feel really bad for women…especially…who view other women in this way. A woman with this type of view is definitely having bad sex with her probably cheating husband somewhere! 😳 Sex is a beautiful thing and as long as two consenting adults are participating in it…what they do is none of my business! ✌🏾 Then there’s the sexually repressed woman who not only thinks that the number of sexual partners a woman has dictates that woman’s level of whoreness 🙄 (got to start making up words for this level of ridiculousness) but also thinks the types of sexual acts a woman performs makes her a whore too! 😳😩✌🏾I have a few friends like this. They cringe when certain topics come up. That brings me to this week’s cringe worthy topic….the Toss Salad. 🤣 Gabrielle Union just dropped her book “we’re going to need more wine” in which she discusses many personal topics like loving to give her man a nice Toss Salad! 🤣 While I haven’t read the book, I can tell you that this kind of openness sent sexually repressed black women all over into a state of chaos! 🤣 A black woman is being open about her sexual preferences…and she’s not discussing the missionary position!😳😳😳 I’m sure there is about to be a sermon at some black churches on the sins of the Toss Salad! 😳Like…I can’t deal! Lol. Pastor says…like don’t be a Gabrielle Union! 😩🤣 But I digress. You guys already know my position on the Toss Salad. While I would never order a man to do it to me, it’s fucking amazing when it’s done right! I found that out from the brief time period that I dated Mister Toss Salad. 🙌🏽 Now I don’t know much about the Toss Salad but I know enough to know that Mister Toss Salad’s main course was knowing how to eat pussy right and toss an unforgettable salad! That dude probably been tossing salads for over a decade now! Certified…with awards! 🤣🤣🤣 That’s how good his skills were! And they had to be because he’s the one I have never seen his penis. Felt that tiny odd shaped thing in my hand and vowed never to stare it in its face! ✌🏾🙄🤣🤣 But I digress again. So I wouldn’t order a Toss Salad and I damn sure am not giving one because who can trust any man to properly wash their ass as well as MOST (not all 😩) women do?! 😳😩I mean when I’m washing my ass…I get all in it with my wash cloth. I don’t want no streaks nor shit chips flying…but dudes just don’t care!!!! 😳 So power to Gabrielle for being able to trust her man like that. I’m already challenged in the blow job area so I don’t even know if I could ace the tossing of my boo’s salad…cause y’all know that the Ex Factor is the only man I would experiment like that with….and he’s more closed off to certain things than I am! I’m still trying to talk him into period sex because I don’t like going a week without him inside of me and my period is extra short and light (always has been) but it’s still a no for him. 🙄😩 If we ever get married though, I hope we would spend a lifetime loving and exploring each other’s bodies. 😍 No matter what folks say…that missionary position just can’t take two people into a lifetime of sexual happiness! 🤣 So what should you get from all of this? Skip asking yourself sexually repressed friend for sex advice and go buy Gabby’s book! 🙌🏽 Well the first part is real advice and the second part is a suggestion. Lol. Sex, whether you are having it or not, is always going to be a big topic in relationships. Do what’s comfortable for you and your partner. And do not be afraid to explore! If it feels good to ya…chances are it’s good for ya…well at least in the bedroom (as two consenting adults). Be open and don’t let your dried up friends lead you astray when it comes to sexual pleasure! I say toss a salad or don’t toss a salad…that is the question! And it’s your right to answer it how you feel!!! Sex is a form of expression and communication! Just make sure you and your partner are on the same safe page! 🙌🏽 ~KJM on Hump Day! If you have been tossing a salad and have any tips for my readers please leave a comment…anonymously if you like. I have a feeling we aren’t done with this topic. Lol. Next up will probably be pegging or planking…and I am damn sure not referring to the exercises! 🤣 Happy Humping! Editor’s Note: If you are a victim of sexual abuse and/or assault, please go speak with a licensed sex therapist when trying to rebuild your consenting sexual relationships. This is also true if you suffer from depression! Today’s blog was not geared towards those with real sexual issues. It was really calling out the judgmental sexually repressed friends most of us have! One love💕
Happy Charm School Monday! I did not get any sleep last night but have a fire in my belly and a discussion on my mind that I have the energy to share on this rainy morning! Last night, I was catching up with a friend of mine. Suddenly the topic of Erica and Warren Campbell’s “Black Love” segment came up. My friend felt that they shouldn’t have been featured in the docu series because Warren’s long term affair along with impregnating a woman that was not his wife was an unforgivable disrespectful act that Erica put up with (and probably is still putting up with). 😳 In my friend’s eyes, a one night affair is more forgivable because she views it as a mistake. Good time to mention that there are many folks who think a one night cheat is still an unforgivable cheat. 😩 But I digress. While I have never been married, I watched that same segment and saw two people who went through hell and back but used their love for each other along with their faith to bring them back together!🙏🏽 I felt nothing but positive vibes from it. The road to eternity is not easy and most people should know it as many are divorced and/or on their second marriages. No judgement here…just willing to point out the glass houses that many seem to be overlooking when discussing the Campbells, the Wades, and the Carters! 🙌🏽 Who are we to tell a woman or man for that matter what the standards for their marriage and the level of their forgiveness should be?! I am going to repeat this again…UNLESS ASKED, DO NOT GIVE UNSOLICITED ADVICE! Maybe it’s just me but 99% of the time that I’m venting to friends and family about the Ex Factor, I just want them to listen. Not one of them have a relationship that would fit me well. I’m seeking a listening ear and I try my best to not overstep my boundaries and do the same for my friends and family when it’s their turn to vent. Even I forget and sometimes say shit I shouldn’t and have to get my shit together quick! 😩 But a word to the wise…the longer the couple has been together the greater chance they are going to still be together after you drop that unsolicited advice. 🙌🏽 Not to mention…who the hell has a perfect relationship? It’s kind of mind boggling to me how folks in very messed up situations be the first to dish advice out! Once again, I have never been married so I stay away from giving married folks advice. My friend claims if Erica was her friend she would not tell Erica to leave Warren but my friend would think it. My response to that bull? KEEP THOSE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS AWAY FROM ME! As a spiritual person, I truly believe that only three people should actively be in a marriage: husband, wife, and GOD! I also believe that it takes a small village to support a marriage (THE COUPLE). Here’s where y’all come in…watch who you tell your business to. Even if they aren’t saying it but they are wishing it or thinking it…they are harming your marriage/relationship. 🙌🏽 Words, deeds, and thoughts all guide the universe. You need folks praying for your relationship…not folks waiting to tell you they told you so! 🙌🏽 Often times, those kind of haters (yes I’m gonna call a spade a spade because I clearly explained my position to my friend for 2.5 hours yesterday over the phone) are unhappy but think they have the answers to your lives. Without throwing her under the bus, my friend is not happy in the journey of her personal life. While she’s trying to get to a better place, I fear that her rigid views of dos and don’ts in OTHER PEOPLE’S MARRIAGES is a road block to her own happiness! And yes I got an opinion about that but only because she opened up her mouth. Two years ago, she told me that the Ex Factor is just going to use me up and that’s what men his age do. 😳😩 There was so much I could have said to that but I let that shit rock because my number one focus was on my life!🙌🏽 I never asked her opinion (she would have been the last person I would have asked) and I certainly would have never thought of saying some shit like that to someone else! 😐 A happy and secure person does not spout out such negativity. From that point on, I hardly discuss the Ex Factor with her unless it’s on a positive note. If you have noticed, I have now decreased how much I blog about him. For two years, I opened up our lives to you all. I have learned so much but now it’s time for us to grow. If I blogged about him, you have every right to comment on how you feel because I’ve opened it up to the public! However, if you have dished out unsolicited advice based solely on his age….I’m always gonna see you as a bitter hater! ✌🏾 While long term relationships may not be marriages…not everyone believes in marriage so you got to watch your step when giving advice. If I asked, I welcomed whatever your opinion was. If you agreed with my frustration, I hold no grudge. But if simply because of our age difference you came at me…well let’s just say it spoke volumes of where you were/are in life. UNHAPPY! ✌🏾 So now I’m more careful who I share our ups and downs with. It’s okay to say that our situation….or any other couples’ for that matter…would not be a good fit for you but it’s not okay to judge those folks for working it out! My friend thinks that too many people stay in bad relationships because of all the years they invested and did not want to lose. I beg to differ! The high divorce rate seems to tell me that many folks weren’t serious about marriage in the first place. The first storm came and they crumbled! This is not to say that some folks who are divorced shouldn’t be! I have a long list of friends that got divorced and are now happily married to a better spouse or even a better version of the same spouse they married years before! 🙌🏽 It is these folks I seek when a small wind is blowing me and the Ex Factor away from each other. Once again, who said eternity was going to be easy? Forever is more of an action than it is a vow and check it…no one knows they can get to forever with their spouse until they actually make it! 🙌🏽 Before I leave you, I want to give you one example of a celebrity couple that I could not help but have an opinion about…T.I. and Tiny! 😳😐😩🔪 The way he had her business out in the streets when they were separated was disgusting! Like I had to unfollow him! ✌🏾But never did I judge her for wanting to work her marriage out. It’s THEIR MARRIAGE! It would not be right for me but I support whatever they decide and I send them nothing but positive vibes and thoughts…because that’s how I want to be treated. 🙌🏽 ~KJM on Charm School Monday! Be careful who you share your story with! I am learning you are either riding with your man or you are riding against him but you can’t be in the middle! We all need positive vibes no matter what we decide. 💙 Pray specifically, act intentionally, and guard not just your heart but also your thoughts. You never know who is secretly not wishing you well. 🙌🏽