A few months ago, I was speaking with a male associate, who is in his early 40s, about relationships. He dropped some serious knowledge on me…that my gut told me was true and so close to home. My male associate said that IMMATURE men (pointing this out so that my mature male readers don’t lose their damn minds lol) have a set formula for choosing the girls/women they stay with. Regardless of whether the immature boy/man loves this girl/woman…he will put her through hell and back to make sure she loves him! 😳 You see…we all want to be loved…even these immature boys but only a mature man can reciprocate love. 🙌🏽 Child….did you all just read what I wrote?! An immature man still wants to know he is loved…even if he is incapable of love himself. Woosa! Woosa! I got to breathe in and out deeply because this explains my entire dating life (from ages 15 to 37)! Thus, the woman that an immature man ends up with is not necessarily the one he truly loved. She’s just the doormat that stayed and gave life to his mess…thus allowing him to not mature nor ever grow. NOW WAIT A MINUTE! A woman is only responsible for her own self growth so what we not going to do is lay the blame of an immature man on her lap…that is until she lays there as his door mat. In the form of a doormat, she now becomes something she never was. This doormat buys into the less than lie (that she is less than her man and can never measure up) and thus allows the formula of being less than to grow because she did not demand her worth. Woooo child…imma about to fall out! Been there! ✋🏾 Done that! ✋🏾 Was never meant to be no doormat though! 🙌🏽 Praise be! 🙏🏽 If you do not believe that there is some truth to this less than theory….let’s test it out in real time. Y’all remember that video of “Pastor Gray” and his wife where his wife starts to sweep the stage as she claims she “prayed over that strange woman” her husband cheated on her with.🤦🏽♀️ Really ma’am?! The strange woman you needed to pray over was yourself! You allowed your husband to take NO accountability for his nasty dirty ways! And I truly believe this wasn’t his first time nor will it be his last time cheating on you! All the Lamborghini’s in the world cannot replace a faithful, loyal, and trust worthy husband! Pray on that! And if you cannot get there “First Lady Gray” at least keep that mess to yourself. Do not try to sell it to millions of women! Infidelity is an accountability thing. Your husband took his vows…not the strange woman (who ain’t that strange since she got to easily known your husband biblically)!🤦🏽♀️ But I digress. I cannot save the wives praying on strange women instead of holding their husbands accountable as well. I just cannot. 🤷🏽♀️ But what I can do is ask myself if I truly believe that I am less than (which I don’t) and make moves accordingly (which I did months ago quietly and in my own way). Ladies (whether you are married, single, or dating), what has become of us? Why did the less than formula work on most of us for a period of time before we moved on? I get that we are nurturers but we cannot continue to nurture a lie! We have to hold these immature boys accountable and get ourselves ready for a man who was getting himself together just for us. I long for that mature God fearing man who loves to travel like I do and who would love to call New York home. And let the church say AMEN every time we aim to step into our higher purpose instead of settling for less. 🙌🏽 ~KJM on Charm School Monday. I know it’s been a while but I was just preparing myself for what’s to come. Peace, love, and blessings to you all in 2019. ❤️
Recently I’ve been reading a lot of articles/blogs from people in their early 30s feeling confused. In my 20s, I never felt left behind nor ahead of others. Then in my 30s (from the jump), I woke up one day always feeling “a day late and a dollar short” in life. From my career to being a blogger to being a lover…I always woke up feeling short. Through it all though, I stay present in my life from the ups (my vacations and my nieces and nephews) and the downs (almost everything else). To those just entering this decade, you are going to get your ass handed to you a million times but you just got to get up. You got to travel even if there is no one to travel with…you got to keep writing even if people aren’t reading….you got to get out of bed even if you don’t have the energy to…you got to say goodbye to lovers while welcoming the chance of new love at an unexpected time…you got to keep living and believing in yourself. You have to still LIVE. That’s what I tell myself when I board that plane (typically alone), when I take pics in my bikinis, and when I have to start over continuously in my personal life. The journey isn’t really about what we accomplish…it’s really about how much we have grown and learned to love ourselves…. Hang in there! “I am not only a client…I am the president.” Lol. ~KJM on Serenity Saturday.
I do not know how to flirt…thus I just don’t do it. The issue with this is I cannot always recognize when someone is flirting with me. 🤦🏽♀️ Not flirting nor having the ability to recognize flirting has worked for me in my dating life but I would not recommend that for my singles’ readers. Flirting is an art…granted an art I have done without but I’m in a league of my own. What league is that? A small league of direct women that shoot their shot and almost never miss. Meaning I can just say I want a man or just walk up to him and say I want to date him and he will either say yes or no. Many women think this will make them look thirsty but in my experience, if done right and seriously, it’s lead to a lot of long term dating relationships where I remained true friends with my past dudes long after we stopped dating. 🤷🏽♀️ Like I said…this works for ME…I definitely would not recommend it to anyone else. Now let’s get into some of the real and crazy reasons why some of us miss flirting signs. 5. HIS PENDING PRISON SENTENCE/SHE IS 9 MONTHS PREGNANT WITH ANOTHER DUDE’S BABY (Subconscious Deal Breakers): I once met a guy that was in a lot of legal trouble. Immediately and without knowing it, I friend zoned him. Months later…when he beat the charges….my roommate pointed out that my friend was fine and had been flirting with me from day one. 😳 With no prison sentence looming, I took a double take of him and realized he was fine as hell! Coincidentally, he is still in my top 3 of best sex I have ever had. 🙌🏽 If that man couldn’t do anything else…he could lay the pipe! 😍 Of course, he laid his pipe for half of the female population at my very large university! 🤦🏽♀️ But I digress. Sometimes we subconsciously count someone out because they are presently unavailable. It does not matter how much they flirt if our subconscious says….dude…her water is about to break! Sis better try back once the baby is a year old and her womb is unoccupied! 🤦🏽♀️🙄👀 4. LOW SELF ESTEEM! If we do not feel great about ourselves…it will be hard for us to believe that someone else out there wants us. This is why I highly recommend that my readers exercise. I am no Beyoncé but by the time I am finished with a work out…I at least feel like I’m one of her cousins. 🙌🏽🤦🏽♀️ LoL. Or at least one of her back up dancers! 😂 3. WE ARE TOO FOCUSED ON OURSELVES! Sometimes the world is kicking our butts and we just have no time to deal with anything else but the issues we are facing. For example, someone who just experienced a death in their family or just got divorced. Our mind frame may not be in a place to be fully present when someone takes interest in us. Thus, we just aren’t paying attention. 2. THEY’RE UGLY! Ugh! U.G.L.Y. They ain’t got no alibi…they ugly! 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️ It has happened to us all. Someone we find highly repulsive is trying their hardest to get our attention while we are trying hard to ignore them. Attraction is important! It’s one thing to be on the fence about if you are attracted to someone and quite another to be getting physically ill just at the sight of them. So we ignore their flirting cues because we are simply not interested! 1. IN A DIFFERENT SOCIAL CIRCLE WHERE FLIRTING CUES ARE NOT WHAT WE ARE USE TO! A straight friend of mine went to a gay bar with one of her gay friends. Her male gay friend kept pointing out to her that so many lesbians were hitting on her. My friend was thoroughly confused and not just because she was not interested but more so because she just had not noticed. She just thought everyone was really nice at this particular bar! 🤦🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️ Thus, different cultures, genders, and sexual orientations may flirt in ways we are not use to. Sis, she asked to borrow a chair near you after she passed 5 other chairs that were closer to her! 🤦🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️ I don’t know…I probably would have miss this cue too! Lol. ~KJM on Hump Day! Flirting is an art. If you are good at it….flirt on playa! But if you are like me and it’s just not your thing…just directly ask the person if they are interested. Worst case scenario…they say no and you move on. Best case scenario….you have a hot date for Friday night! 🙌🏽 Good luck out there! 💜
The frost of Thanksgiving Night has thawed out. And then the dawn appeared filled with new brave thoughts. If I am alone…just let me alone. ALONE I can handle. What is breaking me is being stuck in the middle. Feeling your warmth on certain days and your cold shoulder on others. Never really feeling like a priority. I know I am alone. What I am really asking is for you to let me feel completely alone. I can withstand frost alone. I can dig myself out of a snow storm alone. My life could completely fall apart and I could piece it together…alone. This I know. What I don’t like is feeling like you should be here for me….present with me…yet you are not. It is not that I feel the presence of other women. If I had this feeling…breaking away from you would be easy. There are so many ways a man can make a woman…his woman…feel alone. Whether your focus is on friends, family, or video games…it just feels like I’m laying with a phantom of you. Alone is my safe place. Like completely alone. I travel alone (by choice). I live alone (by choice). Alone is my safe space. I can share any truths with myself. I can hold myself. I can pleasure myself. What makes me uncomfortable is not the thought of being alone…but the ghost of you that is barely present. I can see a new dawn being born as the sun rises. The warmth of understanding that it is a new day and I am alone is okay with me. I will not break. I will not be sad for I can trust myself to be alone with myself. I can rely on me…always have. I will show up for myself. And in the darkest hours, I would rather know that you were never showing up than to be disappointed by the phantom of you being absent again. If I am alone in this world…then let me be alone. There is PEACE in being alone. I won’t waste a night of sleep missing me nor yearning for myself. For I got me. There is a deep understanding of self…when one is alone. ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. So many of us women are carrying our relationships (whether dating or married). A relationship (not even marriage) does not guarantee that you won’t be nor feel alone. Many of us will settle down with useless corpses of a man but never forget that we still have ourselves. Sometimes alone is just the best place to be. 💕
Happy Hump Day! I know it’s been a while. 2018 is still kicking my ass yet I’m trying to smile through it. Let’s lighten the mood, switch gears, and head to a world I have not visited in a long while…ONLINE DATING! 🤦🏽♀️ Finding love…true love is very difficult and of course online dating makes it even harder. While I have several friends who have had positive experiences online dating….I personally hope to never have to online date again! I always felt like I was one click away from meeting the next up and coming serial killer! 👀🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️ Needless to say…the horror stories out weigh the successes but I digress. Here are some recent complaints I have heard from my female friends online dating. If you are a man and you are exhibiting these behaviors…you are currently an UNDATEABLE! Back the fuck away from the computer and save my sisters in the struggle from meeting one more waste of time guy! 🙌🏽 Here is the latest TALES FROM THE MALE UNDATEABLE CRYPT: 5. MISTER FINANCIALLY UNSTABLE! I recently had a friend go out on three dates with a potential suitor she met online. On the third date, this seemingly normal man revealed that he got evicted from his apartment, just filed for bankruptcy, and is now living with his sister. 👀 Sir, if you cannot afford to keep a roof over your head…you are not in a place to seriously date. Back the fuck away from the computer. You are not a potential life mate in your current state. I am no gold digger but what the fuck am I to do with a man in financial ruins?! What am I to do with a guy who can’t even keep his lights on?! I once met a guy online (during my brief online dating stint while I was living in Richmond) who could not afford to pay his cell phone bill. He was hot spotting our online messages from his sister’s phone! 🤦🏽♀️ This type of guy is not even close to being ready for a life mate. Sir, there are sites for people who just want to fuck…get on one of those. Someone just may throw you a pity fuck but don’t you dare be on a serious dating site stating that you are ready for marriage and children! Tyrone…the kids gonna need a roof and electricity too! ✌🏾✌🏾✌🏾 4. MISTER I AM COMMITTED TO NOT BEING COMMITTED! Now Dan…you know you play too many fucking games. Why you on e-Harmony when you know you should be on Tinder? That’s right…someone should be swiping past you when they see your noncommittal ass online. I wish Ex girlfriends could go online and rate their ex boyfriends like people do when they are rating products or items they bought online. The review would read like…Dan gets a one star…only for being a straight man! ✌🏾 Dan…back the fuck up…mister waste of time. 3. MISTER (I think) SCAMMER! One of my friends recently met a guy (not sure of his real gender) online who claimed to be a doctor. After putting off their first date several times because of work and travels (allegedly), he finally agreed to meet before he traveled out the country. The “guy” started to ask her to purchase online music for him through a prepaid card. He was very persistent about it. Of course, he/she turned out to be a SCAMMER! 🤦🏽♀️ Be careful of the Sam/Samantha scammers out there! ✌🏾 2. MISTER I DON’T WASH MY ASS! Now this is really puzzling to me Ben! Why the fuck are you looking for a wife when you don’t brush your teeth nor wash your ass? 🔪🔪🔪 HYGIENE IS A HUGE PART OF DATING!!! I cannot stress this enough! No one wants to lay up with musty balls! 🤦🏽♀️ 1. MISTER LYING ABOUT HIS LOOKS! The greatest complaint I have heard from my female friends that are online dating is how men post photos of themselves from 15 years ago (when they were skinnier and had more hair)! 👀 While there are many non materialistic women out there….most of us do not like liars. Some women love a big boned bald guy while others don’t. ✋🏾 Lying about anything but especially your looks will only delay the inevitable. She will stop seeing you. So Clarence…honesty is going to be the best policy here. If you build it (an honest foundation that is) they may actually come (and then cum). Feel me?! ~KJM on Hump Day! I am saving all of my strength for the day I’m gonna have to log onto OUR TIME (the 50s and up dating site) and deal with the retired serial killers, viagra mishaps, limp dicks, and ex wives. 🤦🏽♀️ 🤷🏽♀️👀
I will not walk into the darkness unprepared for the battle. I may not win every unforeseen battle but I shall win the war….for my soul will not lie down and wait to be taken…. Seems dramatic right? That is what this season does to me. My Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) has crippled my life in so many ways for the last eight years. I feel it coming….a sadness that washes over me from October to February (though last year it went all the way to the end of April)…and I feel helpless. I warn others that it is coming and I’m told constantly that I have a blessed life (which I know I do) and I just need to cheer up (easier said than done). SAD is more complicated than others think so be kind to anyone you know that experiences it. For many of us, loss of loved ones, childhood traumas around the holidays, or just an unexplainable sadness visits us. We stand frozen …not sure what to do. Many of us will smile and pretend we are okay. Some of us will just succumb to it and stay to ourselves during this difficult season. This year….I am choosing to be proactive about it. Here are some ways I am trying to maneuver myself through SAD. 5. EXERCISING AND WATCHING WHAT I EAT! Diet and exercise affect so much of what we do and how we feel. I know this is a season of stuffing ourselves with our heart’s delight in the form of greasy, fried, salty, and sweet foods but like everything in life…we must try to do it in moderation. A lot of the foods that taste great as we consume them can actually contribute to mood swings and lack of energy. If you couple that with SAD or any form of depression…get ready for massive weight gain! And that never makes anyone feel good! 4. FRIENDS WITH SAD CHECKING IN ON EACH OTHER! My good friend and blog mentor, Toi from ToiTime also suffers from SAD. She has blogged about it many times and has written some great blogs about how to make your SAD manageable. We vowed to check in on each other and to speak our minds freely about anything bothering us. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have someone who understands my seasonal depression and to be able to candidly express my feelings! 🙌🏽 3. STAY AWAY FROM PEOPLE WHO DRAIN YOU! I am currently avoiding anyone who brings negativity into my life and drains my mind, body, and spirit. Hence calling the break with the Ex Factor. He has issues (though I am sure he does not think so) and I have issues. In life but especially during my SAD season…I don’t have time for no ones shit but mine! My plate is full and I do not have time for indecisive people. 🙌🏽 It is okay to say to people…I love you but I got to take care of me! SAY THAT AGAIN! I love you but I got to take care of me! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽 If I am depleted emotionally, physically, and mentally, what good can I be to others?! I know this is harder to do when married and/or with children but you have to try to set boundaries. We are all responsible for our own mental well being and happiness. Thus, I’m avoiding toxic lovers, friends, and family. 2. MASTURBATION! 🤦🏽♀️ Now I know that you are surprised to see this on my list but then again if you have been following this blog for the last three years…you should not be surprised. 🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🙄🤣 I have spent many years not having an orgasm….almost a decade to be exact. Thus, I am long overdue for my sexual release. Thanks to “bullet” aka my mini Shibari vibrator, I can climax in thirty seconds or less anytime I want! 🙌🏽 A climaxing woman is a woman at peace (most times). Thanks bullet! 😉 1. REST AND VITAMIN D3. Get as much rest as you can! This is tough for me because my day job has very demanding hours 6 to 7 days a week but when I do have down time….I take it very seriously. My Sunday’s are often filled with binge watching my favorite shows, naps, and eating good food. Also, since many people suffer from SAD because of the decrease in sunlight during this time of year…my mommy recommends Vitamin D3. She gave me this recommendation for multiple reasons (having to do with our family medical history) but the added benefit that it could also help my SAD made me think it is worth looking into! As always, consult your primary physician before you start taking any supplements and medications! Good luck! ~KJM on Charm School Monday!
It was the thing I could never bring myself to actually say. The thing that haunted me day and night. The feeling that I could not escape. It was suffocating at times. Wanting to be desired and loved by him and only him openly and honestly. I wanted to scream….I NEED YOU TO LOVE ME…but for some reason stating that I had a need was difficult for me. Saying that Superwoman had needs is acknowledging that she is HUMAN and she needs what other humans need. She needs to know that the man she loves…loves her. She needed to know he will secure her and their future. Superwoman needed to know that he could turn into HER Superman in moments when she’s weak. She needed to know that he would always be there for her and that she was a priority in his life. Even if he verbally expressed these things…SHE NEEDED TO FEEL IT. The Ex Factor is the only man that has ever made me feel undesirable and I’m NOT talking sexually…which I think was a point of contention for us. Because he is highly attracted to me and loves our sex life…he thinks that that shows he desires me. Meanwhile…I wanted him to show me that my heart was desired. Any random man on the street can say he sexually desires me. That shit don’t mean nothing. To be a sex object that is. When you love a man…you want so much more from him. I am signaling to him that I just want him and only him. No other man desiring me will do…on any level. Yet all he did was focus on HIS short comings which left ME feeling insecure. He made me feel like I was just too much of a woman for him. Let me be clear…I did not fall in love with his potential….I fell in love with the potential of what we could be if we built together. In the beginning, I felt so desired. I had never been on such a high from a man providing things my soul needed. What little the Ex Factor had…he was willing to share with me. That vision of whatever we have we will share with each other kept me going. For most of the first two years of dating, no matter the hardships I faced in my life…I knew that he was with me. There was a time he was my Superman. Please do not let him tell you differently. There was a time he was my prince in the making of a king. My heart was his. I had unexpectedly given away my heart to one of the most unlikely men. But I have to accept that we have both changed and my Superman is not coming back. That is the hardest thing…letting go of what was and accepting what will never be. I loved though….as hard as I could and I prayed….as much as I could. Yet the results were the same….I felt suffocated by my own loneliness…even with the Ex Factor laying right next to me. I needed to be LOVED and I just did not FEEL loved. At least, I can finally say it now. ~KJM doing some reflection on Temptation Tuesday. 💜
Hearts racing. Minds focused. Hormones in the air. We are finally at the negotiation table…unexpectedly of course. In every area of life, I know where my power lies…except for my personal life with the Ex Factor. My love for him was so great that common sense seemed to escape me in the years I have known him. I never realized that I did have a lot of power in my romantic life until recently. 🤦🏽♀️ The Ex Factor was the only guy that I have dated (long term) that I have had to close the pussy shop on (several times in these last couple of years). So here we are negotiating when he had never been willing to before. It actually caught me by surprise because it is so unlike him. He is stuck in his ways. Back to the art of negotiation. Through education and life experiences, I have learned quite a lot about the art of negotiation. When two parties are at a table for long periods of times trying to hash out terms to an agreement…it is understood that they both can value from the relationship. One or both sides may even say what their direct interest is. However, know that there are almost always hidden agendas on both sides. It is very rare for both sides to come to the table clear on all of their intentions. And if an agreement is finally reached…be ware of boilerplate language (small but usually long passages that have the true agendas in them). Many people overlook the boilerplate because it looks like junk at first but as a wise person once said “the devil is in the details.” This can be said in love and in business. Back to the table. I indicated that I need a romantic pause and the Ex Factor in turn was ready to negotiate to prevent the pause. I had something he wanted (right now) though I am unsure of what that is. I, on the other hand, came with my worth in hand. Not purposely. Typically I hid my power from him but now he was speaking my language. An area I excel in. NEGOTIATIONS. 🙌🏽 He gave me his terms and I carefully read them (with my mind only for my heart was already in pause mode from when I made my original request). Now if you are negotiating for a long time with another party and just as you are ready to withdraw…they come up with terms to keep you at the negotiating table….one of two possible things may be happening: (1) The other party already knows your worth to them and has always been willing to meet your demands but wanted it to play out in the general negotiation in case they could gain some favorable terms for themselves without giving away everything to you or (2) IT IS A TRAP and the boilerplate language shows their true intentions. It’s the same fucking terms you have repeatedly rejected dressed up as something else. So you see the devil is in the details. That’s where you will find the true analysis of what your opponent thinks you are worth. Of course, the Ex Factor’s terms were the same ones I had continuously been rejecting outright for the last two years! 🤦🏽♀️ I get why he thinks I would accept them. Unbeknownst to me, I had been accepting these lame ass terms since 2010…dressed up in boilerplate language that would later break my heart. It was easy for him to get all his needs met because I had been foolishly negotiating with my heart and not my mind. 🤦🏽♀️ But this time, he named his terms (or his “last compromise”…as he called it…not sure when his first compromise ever occurred.🙄🤷🏽♀️) in the form of a negotiation! Enter brain, education, and experience.🙌🏽 This made it so easy for me to reject his terms. They were the exact same for the last couple years…with hidden agendas. Nothing in it for me. Not one thing in there for me. And that was clear so I walked away (rather easily) because he was finally speaking a language I understood. When the other side does this…they either do not value you at all or you are worth so much to them that they want you to under value yourself so they can benefit from it. I am not sure which position he has taken and I wasn’t going to stay around to find out. So we are like on our 100th romantic pause. We typically bounce back but just like with Julio…no one ever thought I would leave him. It’s been 9 years now that I lost all my feelings (and attraction) for Julio except as like a distant friend that I grew up with. Ouch. I no longer see Julio as a romantic interest and that day just may come for the Ex Factor. Love can only do so much without ever being watered nor given sunlight. ~KJM on Flashback Friday. All is fair in love and war. 💜
I am having one of those off weeks where I have diarrhea of the mouth. The things I say are so true…that is…my truth as I know it but still not everything should be said. Of course, I have made an art of saying things that should never be spoken. 🤦🏽♀️ According to my mother, I started to perfect this art at the age of one and a half…as soon as I learned to talk. 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🙄😳 Yesterday was a particularly gruesome version of having severe diarrhea of the mouth. I managed to accidentally insult a coworker, annoy my mother, and of course, cuss the Ex Factor the fuck out. 🙄🤦🏽♀️🔪 It was all accidentally…I swear. With the Ex Factor and I, one minute we were laughing at something I sent him and the next we were arguing. Everyone that knows me know that arguing with me is a fight they are going to lose. I am the champ of ‘fuck off where you stand’ mixed with ‘and another thing…fuck you again!’ 🤦🏽♀️ Oh my parents would be so proud?! NOT!!! 🔪 My mother is always telling me that there are certain things you should never say to a man…even if it’s true. If there are ten things you should never ever say to a man…I have said them all plus come up with another ten ball busting sentences that should never be repeated. 👀🙄 Wait…I ain’t never said the baby ain’t yours…it’s your best friends or the mailman’s. 🙌🏽🤣 Yasss…the one ball buster I have never said! 🙄👀🤦🏽♀️ Shit and I better not because my parents would kill my ass for that one! 🔪🔪🔪 Now where was I…oh yea…crushing balls with my six inch heels. 🤦🏽♀️ You may think I am this way because I am an alpha female but that’s only part of it. Like Auntie Iyanla would say…every thing goes back to our childhood pathology. I grew up with my mother, especially her younger version, swallowing every messed up thing my father ever did to her. She would cry and cry and not speak up for herself. As she got older and realized that she’s raising young girls who are looking at her like ‘what the fuck mom’ she started growing a strong vagina. Mama Michaels fought for her independence and held her own…this I am so proud of. Better late than never. 💜 She went from being a battered woman (something I hate speaking about because it’s so hurtful) to being a woman of strength who could raise an alpha female like myself. 🙌🏽 Seeing the earlier version of her…did something to me though. I have had this talk with my father several times. I am not married and do not have children because of what I witnessed in my home. If it is just me…I can travel lite…never staying anywhere long enough for any man to knock out my teeth. Yes…this is a sad reality…for most of the women in my family. I aimed to be the first to live differently. To live for myself. I aimed to be a FREE woman even in love. 🙌🏽 What I have come to find out is…this is no easy task. Even brave me has succumb to doing my best not to hurt the male ego while eating my own feelings…silently. I think no matter how strong we woman are…environment can still affect us. We still live in a patriarchal society. We are still reduced to our virtuous sexuality and reproductive systems. Meaning…no matter what we accomplish…society still ranks us on looks, how loyal we are to our broken men, and our ability to reproduce. 🙄 Patriarchy is so toxic that it still seeps in…no matter how hard we try to fight against it. And so we women eat our feelings…silently…for the male ego. And what does that do for us? Either we get severely depressed or we become raving lunatics who explode for the slightest reasons! 🙄🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️ Fuck, fuck, fuck! 🙄 No matter what you decide when conflicts arise in your relationships….just remember we can only work on ourselves. We can only hold ourselves accountable. Some how we have to find a balance between feeling unheard and being labeled crazy for expressing our feelings. I am not sure what the balance is but I’m still aiming to work on me. To the Ex Factor…I say…I am really sorry for my part of our argument. ~KJM is holding herself accountable on Hump Day. This does not mean he was right nor diminish the things he said. All it does is show my need for growth as a woman.
She looked me in the eyes and told me that after almost forty years on and off…in an abusive marriage…she still had hope that God could turn him around. “There will be a day that the Good Lord will send him back to me…renewed…with his heart clean…as a changed man. And I MAY take him back because I love him. After all he is still my husband.” I was baffled by this confession. Part of me thought how silly can she be. I know him well and I see no change in sight. The other part of me thought….her love and her faith are so much deeper than mine. Yet, I, too wait. A different type of wait but still a dreadful wait. There are days I am armed with prayer that he (the Ex Factor in my scenario) will grow up and learn to appreciate the love he has been given. Then there are days when I get angry and frustrated with both the Ex Factor and God. Why God? HE could have granted me my five year old wish of never loving a man. Until I was twenty nine years old, I always thought I was love proof. And I’m not talking about puppy love like me and Julio. I am taking about the painstaking journey of loving a man unconditionally that refuses to grow up and be a man. I really thought I was going to be the first woman in my family (that I know of) to beat this curse. My five year old self envisioned my older self happy in my career and traveling the world…with only a dog in tow. Big house for just me and my pups. 🤦🏽♀️🙄🤣 Still working on the puppy. I don’t want to adopt one until I feel like I am ready for that kind of responsibility. But back to my five year old self. We had plans and year 29 messed everything up. I wasn’t looking. It was just suppose to be a summer thing. A distraction that has now turned into an eight year distraction. 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🔪 Each year, he grows more immature. The man he is today I would never have fell for. His twenty year old self was more loving, more confident, and more consistent. So I wait. Not purposely. I just don’t believe in being with a man if I’m not in love. I was perfectly happy with what Phoenix and I had. Intellectual and physical passion that occurred once or twice every couple of years. I have known Phoenix since 2004 and never had any real feelings for him…not even the one time I tried to force it. He is just that good, understanding, and sexy friend who turns me on with just his thoughts. Damn Scorpio’s. Always great in the mind and the bed. 🤦🏽♀️😍🤷🏽♀️ That is why I never let him get too close and I controlled all of our interactions for ten years. But the Ex Factor…I didn’t see coming. I underestimated him and eight years later… I am still just as confused as to why I cannot permanently quit him. I would love to say I am just comfortable but nothing about our situation ever brought me the security that comes with comfort. And so I wait…just like her. This is where I got it from…I thought. Yet I see strength in her prayers and in her eyes. I don’t know if I could ever love so openly with that kind of strength. My mind was just not built like that. I am not that strong nor am I that patient. Bring the puppies on! 😍 ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. God bless good women who love beyond destruction and back. Shout out to all the wives and women similarly situated. Never let him break you and always remember that your faith is stronger than him. He is just a man…not God. Only God can give and take true everlasting love. 🙌🏽🙏🏾