I recently read somewhere that William Shakespeare said “Expectation is the root of all heartache.” This I have heard before…the theory that if you don’t expect anything from anyone…you won’t get hurt. Shakespeare went on to say that he was “always happy because he did not expect anything from anyone.” Fascinating…and of course I call bullshit.🙄 Why should I not expect my family, my good friends, or even the man I lay with to be there for me? I am a giver by nature and while I learned many years ago to never expect others to do for you what you do for them…I at least set low expectations. 🤦🏽♀️ Perhaps Shakespeare is right and this is the root of all my sadness and disappointments. 😩 Growing up, I would spend hours on the phone with crying friends and rarely got that favor returned when I was hurting. That was okay with me though up until 2009 when my life started to fall apart from every direction. Going through what I like to call “MY Dark Ages (May 2009-May 2013)”, I learned to cry and started to realize that I need people. Only good friends and family please! ✌🏾 And so I started to shed useless friends. Now…every year I evaluate if I’m giving more than I am receiving in my friendships. My real family list gets shorter and shorter every year also. But oh lawd….don’t get me started on my dating life! Not once in my life have I been loved by a man (romantically) the way I needed to be! And this is for my ENTIRE dating life! For example, in the 21 years that I have known Julio…he was only there for me ONCE in life and that was at the very end of my Dark Ages when I split with Mister Toss Salad! Twenty one fucking years! That mfer is so selfish and that’s why he’s still SINGLE to this day….crying about how no woman will stay with him! Bro, could it be that you are a negative, narcissistic, and selfish human being?! 🙌🏽 And to be honest he was only there for me because his life was good at that moment in time and he wanted to rub in what a mess my life was! 🙄 Typical him…SELFISH! Yet I continue to always wish him the best in life and love. ✌🏾Moving on…the Ex Factor was there for me the first two years we were dating (in the midst of the Dark Ages) but I truly believe he wasn’t there because I was hurting. I think he used me to disguise his own hurt from his first girlfriend sleeping with one of his best friends behind his back….after her and the Ex Factor had broken up. With me in the picture, he could prove to the world that no one could hurt him but she did. It would take me years to realize that she destroyed him and that some parts of him were never ever coming back. 😭😭😭 I am not sure if she was his great love but over the last 8 years I get the feeling…he thinks so. Yikes! And 8 years…I am not sure what has kept us connected. While he is the only man I have truly been in love with…my love is not strong enough to keep Kingdoms together like my childhood BFF, Jessica, who always made unconditional love look strong and beautiful.💜💜💜 I have doubts and I have insecurities. My pride rules me most times so whatever that’s kept us connected (may it be good or bad) does not have my love at the center of it. At least that’s how I feel about it. In between Julio and the Ex Factor were just a repeat of selfish men that I spent brief periods of time with…minus Jason, the football player, from college. Back to these low expectations….I carry the weight of my life solely on my shoulders. Never expecting any man to rescue me…though I have had platonic male friends that have been there for me in ways I could never have imagined. I also have amazing female friends that literally held my hands through the dark ages. 🙌🏽 God bless them. Last week, I took a gamble and made a business decision that is costing me. So I’ve been on my couch feeling low all week. Back on the couch! 🤦🏽♀️ Harmony got me to finally leave my apartment and go to the gym yesterday. She’s over 2,000 miles away from me yet she still has the ability to get me off the couch. None of my romantic men ever paid attention to when I was failing at life. Julio would ignore my pain ALWAYS and the Ex Factor would spout some positive words that probably have no real meaning to get me to shut up. 🤦🏽♀️🙄 At least, that’s how I feel about it. So I’m back on the couch and trying to figure out how the hell did Shakespeare manage to have NO expectations of the people around him? Like how? I set the bar pretty low in my romantic life (not in my family nor friend life) and still end up disappointed!!! All they have to do is remember my birthday and most of the time my men (sometimes purposely) forget every year. I would think I am the only one being disappointed by men but I have a bunch of married friends. Looks like it is the plight of GOOD women to give more and receive much less! 🙄 Still Shakespeare…how did you truly expect nothing of others and stayed happy? Lived and wrote in a cave solo?!😳🙄🤦🏽♀️ I mean…I need the playbook. 😩 ~KJM is filled with unanswered questions on Flashback Friday. Between vacations and laying on my couch when I should be making money…writing has become difficult for me. In 2018, I feel so much that I just can’t express. This year is just kicking my ass and giving me that 2013 feeling! 😭 Thanks for sticking with the blog through the good and the bad. And if I had one wish…it would be to have the ability to love in such a strong way that I could keep kingdoms together. 💜 Jessica, you are forever my role model in the area of romantic love.
For a full 48 hours, I laid in my couch. My body was finally ready for a good night’s (and day’s) sleep this weekend. I listened intensely to my body and never left my apartment not once. It was a peaceful (for the most part) weekend until…I heard from the Ex Factor and his spirit began to irk mine. I think something happens when you know someone for a long time whether you are married to them or not. The excitement is out the window and the passion is dwindling…that is if you both do not put work into it. There he was (hungover) from a weekend with his friends and there I was (relaxing and researching vibrators online). 😳👀 Hey did you know that Amazon sells everything…like everything….even speciality items?! 🤦🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️ I had a choice of over 4,000 vibrators/massagers to choose from. 👀 In the last 8 years, I haven’t owned a vibrator but that’s mainly because I moved home after graduate school and thought my very religious mom would not enjoy finding such things in my room. Prior to the last 8 years, I always owned sex toys. I made it a life’s goal to never leave a man in charge of my orgasms! 😘 Moving down south…it was a must! 🙌🏽 So many celibacy years in the south! 🤦🏽♀️ Hence…why I can only love a New Yorker! 😍 But I digress. When I moved to the DC Metro, speciality shops were everywhere so I always bought my toys and videos in person. As I kept moving further south, I had a collection to make my heart and vagina rejoice! 🙌🏽 Oh boy…those were the days. 😘 But I digress again. I met the Ex Factor 8 years ago, as I was moving back up north. I fell so hard for him…that not having my vibrators was okay. Before we even had sex, he use to just look at me and I would climax! 😳 I am so serious! I have never seen so much cum come out of my body like after a date with him where he only held my hands. 💜 I was never a PDA person before him. And if you recall….I can only fall in true love BEFORE having sex. Sex and love have always been separate for me…thanks to Crazy from college. Crazy could bring on multiples on top of multiples of orgasms (during sex with his penis) but even with being dick whipped…I was NEVER in love with him. 🙌🏽 Had mad love for those orgasms though. 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽 Now back to my current situation. Something set me off about the Ex Factor. Maybe it was his breathing?! Perhaps it’s just another midlife crisis meltdown (mine of course)?! Maybe it is a combination of things. No matter what…laying on this couch was not going to help me. In that moment of frustration, I decided to start working out again, work on better sleeping habits, and to try to eat healthier…along with ordering two vibrators for those times I need some relaxation in my alone time. I cannot stress how important it is to be in charge of your own happiness. The Ex Factor, I think, is trying but what am I doing to make myself a better and more fulfilled person? I can go on and blame everyone and everything around me for my moments of self doubt, insecurities, and frustrations or I can get my ass off my couch and revamp my life (and my orgasms)! 🙌🏽 I am choosing the latter. 💜 One more thing….the food we eat, our sleeping patterns, and how much we exercise all affect how we think and feel. If you find yourself getting upset easily or frustrated for no reason…try improving those areas. If none of that helps, please seek medical attention. We all need help sometimes…getting off the couch. One love💜 ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. Yo…shout out to Amazon! What don’t y’all sell?! 👀 And shout out to the state of New York for always showing me love. 💕 May the orgasms be with you all this week!
Sometimes life just echoes itself. No sooner after writing Saturday’s post (about some adulthood truths) did I find myself in a very uncomfortable conversation with my father. Out of all of the children…my brother, Junior, is the most vocal about his relationship statuses. My sister, Brenda, and I have ALWAYS been more low key about our love lives. As a matter of fact, the only guy my parents knew I dated for sure was Julio and that was ONLY because we met when I was 15 and he was 16. This would be one of my biggest regrets. You see when people know details of your personal life…they mistakenly think they get a vote in how you live it out. This is simply not true. The mind your own fucking business act is always in place. Stay in your own lane and worry about your own relationships. Now if you have not been keeping up with this blog…let me refresh your memory. While I am a Daddy’s girl…Daddy was ONLY good to ME! He had never been kind nor caring to anyone else’s daughter…not even my mother! While I have a very complicated toxic relationship with my mother, I don’t ever allow myself to forget about how much abuse she endured from my father and her parents. 👀 The problem with Mama Michaels is she let that toxicity transfer into her relationships with her children….with my relationship with her being the most damaged. While I love my parents dearly, I’m not blind to see that they are both toxic as fuck to each other and everyone around them! 🙌🏽 That is my life truth as I know it. Because of them, I stopped being a child at the tender age of 5! 👀 After witnessing and now understanding what domestic violence means, I told the nuns at my school that I was never getting married nor having children! That was 32 fucking years ago and I have kept my promise! 😳 Yes, once again, I was only 5 years old. 🤦🏽♀️ So it is no wonder there is very little I want to adapt from their marriage and their parenting. Throw the whole damn thing away! ✌🏾My siblings and I can and will do better by the Grace of God! 🙏🏽 Now that we have some background history, let’s go back to the present mess. My Dad was telling me he may go on a road trip with friends to Disney and I said I would love to take an ADULT ONLY Disney trip with my friends. He started questioning why I do not take vacations with the Ex Factor! 😳🙄 I asked him if in the entire 37 years that he has known me and in my extensive dating life…did he not know me to be a loner?! I mean I’ve had friendships for over 20 years and I still don’t bring my friends to family events. Majority of my friends live in different states and countries (like 99% of them) so my fucking vacations are for ME and THEM! ✌🏾 And I am dead ass about that. I cannot tell you how many couples I see fighting while I’m on vacation! I witnessed a particularly embarrassing public argument between a young married couple at the pool when I was in Hawaii. The husband kept yelling “you don’t think I fucking take good care of you?!” 🤦🏽♀️ Child….if that ain’t Jesus asking…I don’t plan on ever having to answer (especially publicly) such a ludicrous and distasteful question! 🔪🔪🔪 Not sure why his balls were hanging so low that day! ✌🏾 My vacations alone or with my friends are everything! 🙌🏽 I am almost positive the Ex Factor feels the same about his friends. The first mistake I made in this conversation with my father was ever addressing it! The second was listening to the bull shit he spat about how I have to change my ways!!!! He said that even if my relationship isn’t that serious…I should be going on vacations with “dates.” ✌🏾 I told him I don’t got to fuck at every port I arrive at like he does! 🙌🏽 And that is not because of my love for the Ex Factor! It is because of my love and respect for my fucking self!!! Plus I reminded him that even though men cheat more….most men are horrible in bed no matter the age! Most of these dudes getting fucked for money, pension plans, shopping sprees, or just as a plain old pass time like baseball use to be to America. 🙌🏽 Mistresses are out there to use a motherfucker! They taking the ragged cheating dicks because they got bills to pay. Morale of the story…don’t get hyped about new pussy. It almost always comes with a price! 🙌🏽 After I laid into his ass, my father had the nerve to hit me with…”I got it….I don’t have to save for a wedding for Kingston!” 🙄 That is when I felt tears well up in my throat. Let me get this fucking straight?! He taught me how to be free thinking and independent yet when I exercise that right my entire fucking life…my life is nothing without a man to go on vacations with?!! Get the fuck out of here?! Daddy proceeded (like some of my single male friends have before) to tell me that I’m exactly the type of woman he would never date!!! Oh really?! You mean the type a bitch that won’t let a man beat or cheat on her? The type of bitch that got her own? The type of bitch that feels love is a choice and not a fucking necessity?! The type of bitch that works hard? The type of bitch that can be in a boardroom with 20 penises and not be interested in fucking one?! Yea I am the bitch. 🙌🏽 And you helped create her. Now stay in your fucking lane and proceed with caution because my personal life is exactly that…MINE! ~KJM is heated on Charm School Monday! Long live the feminists! And even if you aren’t one…long live men not being a god damn necessity but a bad choice many of us make over and over again.👀 I may not be the best at relationships but I pack light and I am always ready and willing to leave the port and set sail on a new adventure without a man! 🙌🏽 Same OG since I was 5! Only God can work on me…if HE sees the need to. 😇
Sometimes it pours out of me…this feeling of having so much to say…and other times I feel it but I cannot write it. Blogging is still a passion of mine…we are just going through a rough patch. Perhaps I’m in the throes of my 80th midlife crisis or maybe I am just trying to get myself centered again. Today it is pouring out of me. Here are some truths (as I know it) that I wish I had known before becoming an adult. 11. OUR WEIGHT WILL FLUCTUATE OFTEN! Whether you had children or not…your weight will fluctuate often…even in times when you think you have it under control. I have had my pouch since my 30th Birthday! 🙄 I feel like it mysteriously appeared on the exact day! 🤦🏽♀️ 10. MOST OF US HAVE ISSUES WITH ONE OR BOTH OF OUR PARENTS! Childhood scars stay with us our entire lives. They will be battle wounds that will get reopened when triggered in every relationship we have as adults. Very few people are blessed to have a childhood that they felt was close to perfect. 9. WE WILL LOSE FRIENDS! In our journey into adulthood, we will lose or outgrow many of our friends. Sometimes to death but mostly to family life. They will go off to the island of marriage and children and forget to write.🤦🏽♀️ And we will mourn the good ones. I think I struggle with this the most right now. If I did not have Harmony and a few other friends to hang with…I would be a lone female wolf. 🙄 8. MOST FOLKS WILL REGRET NOT VALUING FRIENDSHIPS! I don’t care what anyone says…friendships are so important! They take you through school, marriages, divorces, parenting, career woes, and the ups and downs of life. You cannot rely on just your spouse (and definitely should not rely on your children) to ride out the waves of life. 7. YOU WILL ALWAYS FEEL UNDER PAID! Generally the older we get, the more we learn our worth. That means even our crappy careers that over a decade or two ago we were so happy to be a part of….will now feel like legal servitude. Sometimes I feel like I am being paid a dollar a day to put tiny buttons on shirts in an overheated dungeon! 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️ Ugh, unless you have your own business and/or are living out a life long career path…we will all get that sweatshop feeling sooner or later. 👀 6. LOVE WILL NEVER BE EASY! Who in the hell makes up shit like “when it is right it feels easy?” Yea ok….when is building a life with someone easy? When is giving up certain freedoms, living spaces, dreams, careers, and sometimes our sense of identity easy? Fuck out of here! Love is work and work is hard! Anything you want out of life that’s worth having will require serious blood, sweat, and tears! 5. WE ALL SETTLE! I have a theory that most folks are not “happy” (whatever the fuck that means) in their personal lives. Whether it’s upfront or many years later…99% of us will come to the realization that we settled on some level with whom we chose as our ending destinations. Some folks will never choose a final destination and will set up at several ports before jumping back on their ships again. This is still a version of settling. These folks decided to settle on new adventures instead of ever investing in one. They never even took the plunge. In essence, they settled on playing it safe. 🙄 This may be me if I’m not careful. 4. MOST MEN ARE NOT FEMINISTS! No matter how liberal you think your man is…deep down inside he still carries some sexist views. Don’t believe me sis? Start making more money than him and you will probably see an entire different version of the man you thought you knew! 👀 It is rare to bump into a man that truly believes in the equality of women. 🙌🏽 3. WOMEN HAVE HIGHER SEX DRIVES! Science has proven that as women age…their sex drives increase while most men’s decreases. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule. What somebody left out is some of us will have a higher sex drive than men in all stages of life! Besides Crazy (definitely) and maybe Phoenix (where my sex drive matched theirs for the most part)….my sex drive has been higher than every guy I have dated no matter his age. 😳👀 While it seems that men cheat more…they are cheating with raggedy dicks…which don’t operate forever like our firmly tightened vaginas. 🙌🏽 Child, why didn’t somebody warn me?! Now maybe part of my sex drive is genetic as I know BOTH of my parents have a very high sex drive (oh the trauma from my childhood bedroom being above theirs 😩🙄). Soon if I am not careful…I am going to have to go back to fucking just turned 20 year old guys! 😩🤦🏽♀️ Bad sex and low sex drives are high on my dealbreaker list whereas most women put up with it in the name of love. 🙄 I think that’s called marriage! 👀 FOH! 2. WE WILL ALL QUESTION OUR SELF WORTH AND OUR SELF ESTEEMS! If women like the late great Maya Angelou suffered from low self esteem (see her book called “The Heart Of A Woman”) and women like JLo and Halle Berry have suffered too…then what hope do those of us with less wisdom, less money, and less beauty have? Child….no matter how high you think of yourself…there are going to be many times in life that you will question your own worth! From careers to personal lives and even in friendships…self esteem will be a reoccurring theme. Good time to say…at some point we all accept shit in life and there will be times when we are accepting shit and it is NOT because of low self esteem!!!! Whew! 🙌🏽 Sometimes we are being patient with people or trying hard not to give up on them because we are strong enough to survive their mess! 🙌🏽 I wish somebody would have told me that…let’s say just as I began dating! 🤦🏽♀️ 1. HAPPINESS AND THE 1%! Back to that word “happiness.” Happiness, to me, means making the best out of the shit you found yourself in and always making sure to put yourself first especially when the odds are stacked against you! 🙌🏽 As for ones love life, I truly believe that much like Billionaires are like 1% of the world’s population…only 1% of couples truly end up with a partner that was perfect for them! 💜 The other 99% of us are fucked! 🤦🏽♀️ Now of course, I don’t have those numbers down to a science but my life experiences directly and indirectly tells me that most of us marry or end up with just the wrong damn person for a whole host of reasons! The difference between divorcing now versus divorcing 20 years later? Just depends on how long it takes you to take a long hard look at your life! 🤷🏽♀️ I know I may sound like a cynic but to be honest….everyday I pray I am part of that 1% that is rich in true and everlasting love! 🙏🏾 Until then, I’m just chilling…trying not to dock permanently at any man’s port. 🤦🏽♀️ ~KJM on Serenity Saturday. What are some of your life truths?
I have been off of work for two weeks. This is the most time I have accidentally or purposely had off in years! 😳 The first week, I was in Kona, Hawaii and the second week, I was home in New Jersey. Week 1 (in Hawaii), I felt like I reset my whole life and understood and appreciated it’s direction (or lack there of). Maybe it was the Pacific Ocean but this oneness came over me. About 3 hours after arriving in Jersey, I began to unravel! The Ex Factor accidentally upset me by coming over as soon as my plane landed. My plans were to stay in my solo bubble for the weekend since I was still on my Hawaii self exploration high but I made room for the Ex Factor because I love him. Also, because we had not seen each other in like two weeks. Unbeknownst to me or him, the time he spent with me was not enough. 🤦🏽♀️ Now I am really funny about my space. After a short time at my place, I typically want everyone out! Family, friends, booty calls, and lovers must get the fuck out so I can enjoy my ME time!!!🙌🏽 My entire grown up life, I have been like this! There is not a person I have ever asked to stay longer…I guess except the Ex Factor. 🙄🤦🏽♀️ Great! Mister emotionally unavailable is the one I cannot get enough of! 🤷🏽♀️ After he left, I got sad and then I bursted out into tears out of nowhere! 👀 Now I am not a cryer and worst of it all I did not know I was going to cry! 🤦🏽♀️ There I was…this strong independent woman who had journeyed to the Pacific on her own…and in just a matter of minutes in his arms…I turned into this insecure woman still asking a man to love me! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! 🤦🏽♀️✌🏾🤦🏽♀️ Because I had no healthy love role models growing up (forget about my parents! They are lucky they weren’t on the show “The First 48!”), I had no outlet to maturely work out my feelings. So few hours later I sent the Ex Factor two emotional text messages in which he replied with apologies! But how can he apologize for a need I did not express to him. 🤦🏽♀️ Better question….why the fuck isn’t he a mind reader?! 👀😩 When he was leaving my place, I knew he had plans with his family. For him, doing the 40 minute drive each way and seeing me was better than not seeing me. For me, I needed an extra hour to lay in his arms! I’m such a fucking girl! 🤮🤮🤮 Now I am in my feelings and no “Kiki-ing” (Drake song reference here) was going to help! 😩 So I did the respectable thing and cussed him out Monday morning because now he got me in my feelings! 🙄 He took it like a G! That’s one of the things I love about him….he will calmly reply to whatever mess I send him 99% of the time. The Ex Factor’s patience and ability to stay calm are two of the things I love/hate about him because of course sometimes it comes across as he just don’t give a fuck but I think if that were true he would never reply to my mess! 🙄 Anywhos, and so the week rolls on and I began to unravel more but only this time…professionally! I don’t know what it is but I hate staying at home! On vacation, I don’t stress but when I’m home (worse when I lived with my mama), I get depressed easily…even if the purpose of being home is to relax. After the third day home, I start to lose it! This is how I know I can never be a stay at home wife nor mom! Shortie needs to work and know she can take care of herself! 🙌🏽 The professional unraveling sent me to a New Jersey beach where the Atlantic DID NOT have the same calming effect on me as the Pacific did! So there I am becoming completely undone on ALL levels! Damn Blood Moon mixed with a Full Moon! 🙄 I can’t remember exactly but the moon did some funny shit the Friday I was traveling from Hawaii to NJ! And it showed because all my flights were complete shit shows! Nightmare on Elm Street part 55 and then I arrive home and I’m a fucking mess! Screw you moon! ✌🏾 Anyways, now we are here. In the present and I just awoke (on this Serenity Saturday morning) from a bad dream! In my dream, I married a successful man from a conservative culture. I won’t say which one for fear of offending someone but it’s one of those cultures where women don’t get a voice. We have one daughter and she’s beautiful. Looks to be around 8-10 years old. Going to come back to the significance of my daughter in a minute. My conservative husband and I are out with friends at a very expensive restaurant. We are all dressed up…even my daughter. The only person I recognize is one of my male friends who is also in this conservative culture…only he is not with his current wife (who is not of the culture) but now with his second wife 👀 who is deeply engrained in the culture…so deeply I don’t remember her saying a word during dinner…only smiling! 😳 Flash forward, my husband is very sexually happy with me….from the one sex scene I see….I’m looking somewhere else and hoping he gets done soon. Also, I’m on birth control pretending to try to have another baby. Clearly I’m hiding the fact that I’m on birth control and I clearly don’t want more children! This signals to me that I AM UNHAPPY and NOT IN LOVE WITH MY CONSERVATIVE HUSBAND! Wait for it… In real life, if you see me with no children or a bunch whether I’m married or not to my long term partner…there’s a great chance I am happy. However, if you see me married with one child…I settled in life. You see I always negotiate a one child package when I’m settling with a guy I am not really into but he looks good on paper. I am offering him only one egg (if he can find it). 😳 That is a part of my settling package. 🤦🏽♀️ Now I know what you are thinking…what if I only have one child with the love of my life in the future? How will you know if I settled? Simple…if we had fertility issues I would most likely be honest about it and you would know I’m happy, we tried, and this is what God gave us. I’m guessing we would either adopt more children or get a bunch of dogs to make up for the other children we couldn’t have. That is…if I was in love. So my daughter in my dream signifies so much about where I am in my dream life! This is my NIGHTMARE! My fucking nightmare! And what does it all mean? Who fucking knows?! Maybe the moon isn’t done with me? 😩 And so I’m undone again and in need of a reset. ~KJM on Serenity Saturday. 💜
The unraveling. Everything was starting to unravel. I could feel it…yet I was doing nothing about it. Some would ask me if I was okay (thank you) while most filled my mind with a bunch of questions I did not have the answers to…I may never have the answers to. I was overwhelmed (with ongoing family drama) and waiting for someone to tell me to STOP and take a break. That’s one of the worst things that you can do. Wait for others (who are probably not that good of taking care of themselves) to tell you that it is time for you to put yourself first! 🤦🏽♀️ Truth be told, most of us are drowning in something but few of us really pay attention to the continuous warning signs. This does not make us bad people…quite the contrary. While trying to save others as we too are drowning…we are now subconsciously on a suicidal mission. If we are depleted mentally, physically, and emotionally…we will have nothing to give others. WAIT! Wait a minute! The bigger issue is we ain’t got shit to give ourselves and we may be waiting for a lifeboat that may never come!!!!👀 Drowning in our shit and other people’s shit just ain’t the way to live!!! We have got to learn how to SWIM to our special island to RESET and then swim back to the shorelines of our cities enriched, enlightened, and WHOLE! 🙌🏽 And no! No you can’t swim with a f*cking anchor at your feet!🤦🏽♀️ That just disrespects your RESET mission! This is for you! No one else! This is YOUR JOURNEY! You must become your own lifeboat then learn to abandon that vessel, jump into the ocean with only your bare skin, and be one with your life again! 🙌🏽 Of course, I mean this all figuratively and not literally (be safe out there especially if you don’t know how to swim in the ocean). But are you following what I am saying now? You are drowning in life baby and so am I! So I created my very own RESET! Last Friday, I got a break in work after working 7 days a week for almost 2 months to meet a deadline! 🙏🏽 In that moment of freedom mixed with exhaustion, I decided it was time for my RESET! As a consultant, I could just not take work from another client for a week and take some time for myself. This idea wasn’t strange to me because I am a solo traveler. However, it’s rare I travel to a city or a country where I know no one! I quickly started googling destinations that were still on my “bucket list” and looked for ones offering affordable last minute deals! And boom! Just like that….I LANDED in KONA, HAWAII aka the BIG ISLAND 48 hours later! 🙌🏽 But God! 🙏🏽 Blessed! Grateful! After over 14 hours of travel (including a 2.5 hour layover), I landed in my RESET destination! But not before paying all of my household bills cause I’m responsible like that. Lol. Hawaii has 8 major islands. Over 14 years ago, I traveled to Oahu and Maui with girlfriends from college. It was always my dream to see more of the Hawaiian islands….but the opportunity just never came up. It’s quite expensive to fly here with roundtrip flights alone typically running 1200-1600 dollars. But the Good Lord knew it was time for my RESET and so He paved the way! Amen! 🙏🏽 And so here I am…resetting as I live out a dream! Relaxation is my theme and I am only on God’s timing. So far I’ve had a 90 minute Deep Tissue massage that I think will change my life. I love my hotel and I’m just relaxing my way! THE BEST PART IS I DID THIS FOR MYSELF! 🙌🏽 I don’t care what others say…there is no better feeling than knowing you can take care of yourself no matter what the universe throws at you! 🙌🏽🙏🏽 I got me in the palm of my hands and then I crossed the country to breathe again in the Pacific Ocean. May the ocean wash all my fears, worries, and stresses away. May I be whole again! May I learn to practice the art of resetting even if I cannot take a random solo trip! May I learn not to deplete my mind, body, and spirit at the cost of saving others! May I safely breathe my own air again….knowing that no matter what happens in life…I got myself! 💕 ~KJM sending love from Kona, Hawaii on Hump Day! Please make sure you reset often even if it’s just going to the spa for a day! Do something that rejuvenates your soul! 💜 FYI it’s 4am here and I am blogging. 🤣
LOVE thought of the week: I had a friend once approach me with a crazy plan. She asked me what should she do and I said….get on the roller coaster and no matter what I will hold your hands through it. She put one foot in and then realized this wasn’t the type of true love worth risking it all for. The decision was so much easier for her knowing that I would not abandon her while she was on this wild ride. I, too, have felt the wind through my hair as the floor dropped from beneath me. And I am still standing… ~KJM on Serenity Saturday💜
Many people are under the assumption that lovemaking entails a certain bit of romance and is at some slow romance movie-like pace. 🤦🏽♀️ Since everyone’s definition of romance is different…I challenge the idea that lovemaking is slow and very romantic. For me, lovemaking is simply about the feelings the two people have for each other as they sexually share themselves. That’s right…even doggy style done with the one you love…is lovemaking…to me. 😉 With that being said, there is something very erotic about a slow intimate pace of lovemaking where each stroke is so tantalizing that both of you feel like if you move in any direction too quickly you both will climax…when all you want to do in this moment is savor each kiss, each stroke, and each moan. 🙌🏽 One of the best types of sex I have ever experienced was the makeup sex…especially if the two of us were separated for a long while. Make up sex is the BEST and most INTENSE with the Ex Factor. Typically I am nervous…yes even after 8 years of knowing him. 😍 My heart is beating loudly in my chest as he is about to enter. My nails are long and pointy…so I am very careful to position them in his back in a way that won’t hurt him. That’s how deep he goes. It’s like I’m holding on for dear life while bracing myself for that break through of his penis thrusting into my temple. A temple that most likely waited on him and only him to enter. The nervousness starts to fade as the feeling of the familiar takes over. 💕 My most desired lover is here…in the flesh…devouring me. Relaxing me. Reassuring me. Tasting me. Fucking me. And when I can find the strength to utter words…I start to dig my nails into his skin while whispering my deepest confessions to him and only him. Our rhythm becomes more traumatic. Not for us but for the neighbors. Still in slow motion but he’s goes deeper and the headboard is starting to bang on the walls. I…am…moaning. In each movement of ecstasy, every part of me becomes moist…even my eyes. Though I’m holding back. I will not tear up in this moment. I want…no fuck it…I need to be present in this moment. Legs shaking. My baby is home! 🙌🏽 And my entire body is welcoming him. I can feel how hard he is trying to please me…it’s now my turn to show him how much I miss him. Stay tuned 😘 ~KJM ran out of blogging time on Hump Day! Lol.
For the last week, every day I awoke feeling like something was missing. Did I misplace an item? Did I forget to pay a bill? Was it a friend’s birthday that I had forgotten? Every day the feeling would get more urging. It was like the universe was saying…Kingston, take charge of your life or Kingston, make more of a mess of your life. 🤣 Someone or something was trying to tell me something. By mid week, I kind of figured out what that gnawing feeling was: for the first time in YEARS, I actually missed the Ex Factor! 🤦🏾♀️ I know some of you are slapping your face and saying ‘no this trick did not mess up my Monday morning with this mess!’ But I damn sure am. We are like a modern day Carrie and Mr. Big! A hot fucking toxic mess with some great sex in between! 🤷🏽♀️🤦🏾♀️ Goes to show stupidity is universal. Doesn’t matter your age, gender, nor level of education…when you want to be a dumb ass in your own life…you will. It took me like close to 80 days of being separated from him for me to notice he was gone. April I felt relief. May I focused on my annual big birthday celebration with Harmony. Most of June, I focused on business but then that feeling started. I don’t think I have actually had these feelings for him since 2012. During every separation, I adjust, I date, and I advance in other parts of my life…then he resurfaces again with some lame line like “just seeing how you are doing” or “just checking numbers in my phone.” 🔪🔪🔪 Yup these things have occurred. Some guys don’t know how to just be really honest with their intentions. 🙄 Like…just say…”I’m back to waste more of your time” or “I’m back because I’m a fucking idiot for losing you!” Perhaps…”I’m back because not all pussy is really good pussy?!” 🤦🏾♀️🔪 Something honest like that would be nice. Then I get to push button 1 if I’m interested in being taken for another ride or button number 2 to say fuck off for good…BUT give me the fucking choice! 🙌🏽 Like Carrie in “Sex And The City,” I can’t help but wonder if I’m a masochist in the game of love! 🤦🏾♀️ According to Dictionary.com, a masochist (bout to be my word of the week) is “a person who derives sexual gratification from their own pain or humiliation.” 🤦🏾♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏾♀️ Totally…ME! But I know I’m not alone! Lol. 👍🏾 The difference here though is I AM CHOOSING TO BE A MASOCHIST…instead of getting sucked in by Satan (my love). 😩👀🤣 I know! I know! I probably deserve the life I’m living…but here’s the thing. I always say there are two kinds of settling: (1) staying with someone just for the sake of having someone and (2) staying with someone you love who cannot fully give you what you need! Settling in general is pretty horrible but if I had to choose one of these evils…it would be the latter. 😳🙄 And since, we don’t have children…I am just messing myself up more. 👍🏾 This may sound ridiculous but I like to CHOOSE my level of crazy instead of it being forced upon me by emotional blackmail! 🤷🏽♀️ So with this feeling in hand….Saturday morning, before heading to work, I called the Ex Factor. 🤦🏽♀️🔪 Yikes! It’s like I’m stepping in poop and piss like when I’m on the subway. 👀 Call me crazy but I believe in huge romantic gestures! I could have just text (after I dug up his number off of an old envelope kept in a bag in my closet🤣) and told him I butt dialed him (as he did not pick up) or I can choose to be brutally honest (when he text back an hour later) and say…I MISS YOU and I AM NOT SURE WHAT WE ARE GOING TO DO ABOUT THAT BUT SINCE I ASKED FOR THE BREAK, I FIGURED A GRAND GESTURE OF LOVE (LIKE ME CALLING WHEN I HARDLY EVER DO) WAS THE THING TO DO! 💜 Fool said he missed me too and figured I was calling for a morning booty call so he is on his way.👀🔪🔪 I damn sure took my black ass to work! 🙌🏽🤣 I miss him but I was not calling for the D. 😳🤦🏾♀️ Sometimes it is good to have an emotion, revel in that emotion, and not do a damn thing about it. 🙌🏽 I miss him but we got problems…like being addicted to each other!!! 😩 Only DICK would respond to a romantic gesture with more DICK talk! 😩🔪🔪 Not sure what (if anything) we are gonna do but my pussy shop is still closed for the season! 🤣😘 ~KJM on Charm School Monday! 🙄 Hi, my name is Kingston and I am clearly not bright. Don’t be Kingston! Lol. Hope you all have a great start to your week!
Happy Serenity Sunday! Last night, I had one of those small break through life moments. One of my most therapeutic tasks in life is cleaning my bathroom. I am not sure how long it’s been…but I have been avoiding cleaning it. It’s like I hit a road block. Every weekend, I would say today is going to be the day and then I would not clean my bathroom. I use to love cleaning the bathroom so much that I would do a three hour ritual…no matter the size of my bathroom. Typically, I would also redecorate it. For months, my bathroom has been brown and blue. I have been wanting to change it to red and cream but would fail to. Everyday I wake up disgusted at not just the state of my bathroom but the look of the colors I wanted to rip down! Yet there I stood…frustrated and frozen. It’s just a bathroom to some but for me it’s a sign of where I am in life. Since end of January, my family and I have been living a nightmare. Some family members refuse to talk about it, others are angry, and some have break downs every time we receive a negative update. No matter their response…I carry the burden with me every day. It has caused my stress eating, increased my insomnia, and caused a situational depression that I haven’t experienced in 5 years. I am sad. I am confused. And I’m making the best decisions I can for my family. I don’t get a day off. I have to deal with it even if no one else wants to. My heart and spirit are broken. I feel motionless and lifeless most of the time. But I digress. Last night, I was putting flexi rods in my hair and I had that break through moment! I GAVE MYSELF 45 MINUTES TO GET MY LIFE BACK ON TRACK!!! Just 45 minutes! This means I have to clean AND redecorate my bathroom in that time. It will NOT be a perfect clean. I have to admit that I am not perfect and I have to do what I can. I have to be easy on myself. In 45 minutes, I may not get everything done but I will get something done that will help get my life back on track. I AM HUMAN! I AM NOT PERFECT! I must acknowledge these truths to move forward in my life!!!🙌🏽 Within seconds, I started ripping things down while bleaching!!! Keeping in mind that I only have 45 minutes! Why is the time so important? Because if I gave myself til eternity, I may quit or exhaust myself to the point where I am disappointed that I cannot do it all. With a time limit, I am saying to myself…do what you can and whatever small thing you accomplish is still an accomplishment. 🙌🏽 Plus I am on a 7 day work schedule with my day job…so I need to get some sleep. 45 minutes! 45 minutes! 45 minutes! It took me 50 minutes but I achieved a lot. My bathroom is now red and cream. And I left the mirrors and the sink alone but tub/shower, toilet, and floor were shining! 😍 At one point, my toilet brush broke but I didn’t freak out..I improvised with what I had and I got my life back on track…even if it was just in a small way. This was a significant moment because before it…life was just taking over. It was happening to me and I no longer had the energy to respond. In this small moment, I began to reclaim my life! I began to breathe again! 🙌🏽 SMALL VICTORIES ARE STILL VICTORIES! To God Be the glory! The blood of Jesus is carrying me when I can no longer carry myself. I can never be CHRIST (only HE is perfect) but humans can be Christ-like. 🙏🏽 Faith is all I have right now. HE is walking with my family and I. So I breathe knowing that HE is catching my every breath. ~KJM on Serenity Sunday! If you are going through a situational depression, try to start small in reclaiming your life. Make a list and do what you can. Each day, cross off what’s done and be grateful you were able to do it…no matter the size of the task. This is harder to accomplish if you are clinically depressed! Seek professional help! And loved ones please keep an eye on those suffering. I was blessed that I could step outside of myself and recognize what was happening with me but not everyone will be able to. Please check on your strong friends too! Everyone breaks! 🙏🏽