I know it has been a while. Something (family related) happened to me in 2018 that I have not fully bounced back from. Some days, I am still in love with blogging and other days (now more than ever), I let that “a day late and a dollar short feeling” take over my whole being. Have you ever felt this way? Completely lost while it seems like other folks have everything down pact? I go on these long rants that my good friend, Lioness, entertains instead of hanging up on me. 🤗 I am convinced that I am having my fourth midlife crises…that is…over the last ten years! 🤦🏽♀️ Looking around me and everyone appears to be excelling. Yet, here I am, just struggling to put words on a piece of paper. Writing use to come so easily to me. I hate to say it but I’m like Keyshia Cole and Adele….when I’m heartbroken…you are going to get great shit out of my writing. Sorry about your pending divorce Adele. Chin up and pen in motion. Not everybody’s life is art when things are falling apart. Most of us are just a damn mess and can’t quite explain why that is…even years after our messy breakups. So we keep you in our thoughts and prayers during this difficult time but also keep our credit cards warm for when that next heartbreakingly brilliant album drops. 🤦🏽♀️ But I digress. Where was I? Oh yes….drowning in my own sorrows as I compare my life to others. 🙄 Comparisons of ourselves and others are a form of destructive behavior. I mean….how do I know that I am a day late and a dollar short?! How do I know that others are not falling apart too but their Instagram pictures carefully hide it? Why do I feel like I’m the only one lost? I mean…I know where I want to go but have no clue how to get there. Maybe I’m not completely lost….I just keep circling aisle two in the supermarket…always forgetting what ingredients I need! 🤦🏽♀️ This kind of shit does happen to other people right? But I take it so personally like life just sent me an unexpected f*ck you text! Don’t believe? This year marks my 20th year since high school graduation and my 10th year since graduation from graduate school. I have no plans of attending either reunion. I feel like I am not where I want to be so f*ck pretending! Still don’t believe me? For the last couple years, I have battled with losing weight and getting in shape. I have failed time and time again and put on even more weight. Thank goodness for my genetics or it would show more. This Lenten season, which will be over tomorrow, I decided to get fit for Jesus and pick up yoga for the 10th time! In a little over a month, I have had some pretty good results (non scale victories) that I have documented through photos. Yet I have no plans of sharing them until I’m sure that I am serious about getting in shape. At first I started off running, doing yoga, and doing other cardio activities during the week. My plan was to do something fitness related for at least 15 minutes a day. Six days of the week, that 15 minutes or more would be dedicated to real fitness. On the seventh day (any day I choose as a rest day), anything I do can been seen as getting fit…like laundry for a couple of hours or taking the long way to walk to work. This was my plan. At the beginning of April, however, a terrible bout of insomnia hit me and yoga ended up being the only exercise I could do at 4:30am that did not drain me. Sleep is so important to the fitness process and with no sleep…progress is slow. But I stayed the course and kept my promise because during Lent I can do anything for Jesus. Outside of Lent though….🤦🏽♀️ This is how personally I take life’s hardships. If I don’t feel I’m living out my life’s purpose and am successful at it…then I don’t want to share. Hence my writing block in parts of 2018 and 2019. The one area I do not mind publicly failing at is relationships….because like who gets those right anyways?! 🤷🏽♀️ Speaking of, in 2019, I have no plans of dating and everyone down to my GYN is asking why! I keep hearing….”use your youth while you got it.” Oh and “vet everyone you date” like I’m suppose to be interviewing guys for a job. 🙄 Then I get asked if I’m heartbroken? 🤦🏽♀️ To be honest…the Ex Factor situation has left me numb. To be even more crystal clear…I got bigger shit to worry about. I need 2019 to be a “I got 99 problems but a f*ck boy ain’t one” type of year. Whoa Chile…..that’s a word right there. 🙌🏽 I am like most of the world. I loved and it was not returned. It did not work out. I got my shit together and I moved forward. I could care less who he is dating and what he is doing. I’m not going to be out there revenge dating. I will date when I’m ready to. And if this yoga stuff works out….I may have some extra time to date before my tits start sagging! 🙄🤗 Besides, I believe in love at first sight. If my true love is smart…he’s out there getting himself ready for me too and not turning into community penis. I may f*ck a male hoe (especially in my younger days) but I won’t knowingly fall for nor knowingly marry one. I don’t love them hoes. Dick should be mostly mine and only mine (just with a few lovers before me). But I digress again. Where was I? Oh yes…on the topic of comparisons. I need to just stop doing that shit!!!!! ✌🏾 ~KJM on Serenity Saturday….the day before Easter. A good time to say….”Forgive me Lord for I have sinned.” 🤦🏽♀️ Got to reduce how much I curse. 😳
Cheating is a tricky topic. It is so prevalent yet many of us that were cheated on or cheated…loathe talking about it. Cheating, unfortunately, is an ongoing conversation…especially the effects it has on families. But today’s blog is not that deep. I am really just going to scratch the surface on the types of unforgivable cheaters. Yes….I said UNFORGIVABLE cheaters. I wholeheartedly believe in therapy but I also believe some messes therapy cannot fix. 🤷🏽♀️ For example, a cheater that isn’t sorry he or she cheated. Throw the entire spouse away! ✌🏾 Now that I have laid a foundation….let’s dive into the my top 5 unforgivable cheaters! 5. THE ABUSIVE CHEATER! Now there is a lot wrong with this type of spouse! This is the type of cheater who cheats and blames it on their spouse. This person is never sorry for their actions because in their eyes…they only cheat because their spouse did not do this and that. 🤦🏽♀️ Yea…this is the type of person that suggests their spouse go to therapy to deal with their (as in the cheater’s) constant cheating! There is no accountability here so what you will get if you stay with such a person is…more abuse and cheating. ✌🏾 4. THE CHEATER WE EASILY FORGIVE! There are some folks out there that just keep taking back their cheating spouses without taking some time to reset their mind, body, and soul. Thus, they never get around to setting some ground rules of how they should proceed as a couple. With no penalty in sight….this cheater knows that their spouse will always take them back…without question. 🤷🏽♀️ 3. THEY CHEAT ON THEIR TERMINALLY ILL SPOUSE! Couples make all kinds of arrangements when faced with terminal illness. In this segment, I am not referring to the couples who agree one spouse can date while caring for the terminal ill spouse. I am speaking about the JOHN EDWARDS of the world! 🤦🏽♀️ This type of cheater cannot be reformed. Now I know what you are thinking….if one spouse is going to die….who cares about reforming this type of cheater?! Well this is more of a warning for this cheater’s new spouse. Don’t ever get sick because the same fate may await you! 👀 2. THEY CHEAT ON THEIR PREGNANT SPOUSE! Oh boy…this cheater is even worse than number three! If he will cheat on you when you are carrying one of life’s most precious packages….there’s a good chance there is no reforming this cheater! You are giving him the gift of life while he is out there disrespecting you. ✌🏾 1. THEY CHEAT WITH YOUR FAMILY/FRIENDS! This cheater was too lazy to pick their private parts up and cheat outside of your inner circle! This is a triple disrespect (he/she cheating right in front of your face, the family/friend who betrayed you, and your cheating spouse’s disregard for not only your body and your relationship but also their disregard for your family/friendship relationships that you once held dear). Throw this entire spouse away! ✌🏾✌🏾✌🏾 ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. Couples therapy is a wonderful thing but realize that some folks will never stop cheating simply because they don’t want to AND their spouses allow it! ✌🏾
Year 2019. Present Day. The last chapter (I hope) of this saga and the first chapter of the rest of my life. I started off the year with my sister on the Island of Saint Thomas. We island hopped from the US VI (Saint Thomas and Saint John) to the British VI (Virgin Gorda, Norman Islands, and Josh Van Dyke). IT WAS THE BUCKET LIST TRIP I NEVER KNEW I NEEDED! 🙌🏽 My deep wave curls parasailed, swam in the ocean and sea, night kayaked, and beach hopped as my spirit soared at such beautiful sights. I was at peace and at home. This island gyal had her phone on airplane mode for most of the excursions. I forgot all about the hustle and bustle of the city and I just let the ocean speak to me. My lipstick choices were from Too Faced Cosmetics (Lady Balls and Mrs Roper) and Mac Cosmstics (Blue Bang). My soul was glowing. It felt like everything that had held me back and hurt me in 2017 and 2018 no longer had power over me. Almost a decade of emotional weight had been lifted off of me and…I feel very optimistic about my future. The ocean spoke to me and said “you will be a wife (something you had never intended to be) as long as you continue to move forward.” And I simply responded…I am getting ready. ~KJM dropping Chapter 10 and the last chapter of this saga…on Serenity Sunday. What a journey this has been! To write 10 chapters in one week with a hectic work schedule and on top of my daily Black History Month posts!🙏🏽 To all the writers out there, never stop writing. Not everything will be a masterpiece but in each chapter your soul with find peace.
Year 2016. The year I discovered and committed to the Smokey eye. The year I started wearing makeup and lipstick that exemplified my multiple personalities. 🤣 Designer Blue by Mac Cosmetics was my break out lipstick! 😘 2016! The year I learned to love wearing the color white. The year I was in full swing of my own personal Vegas residency and it really became my second home. The year learned how to be the master of my own destiny. The year….the Ex Factor….finally told me he loved me. 😳 Hold up! Let’s back it up so you can get some clarity on that last 2016 declaration. As I mentioned before in Chapter 6, I stayed with Elijah for about 7 months. It was the LONGEST 7 months of my life. He had some crazy controlling cheap ways and I just cannot be controlled. ✌🏾 Beat it Elijah! 🤮 After I broke things off with Elijah, I focused in on myself. I celebrated weddings and baby showers with close friends (that now seem so distant). I travelled to Chicago (TWICE), Orlando, and Vegas (TWICE). I showed up for my friends even when I had no exciting news to share. I stayed present in my life. Despite it all, it was a good life. 🙌🏽 At a wedding weekend in Orlando, I met a guy that was a friend of my male friend getting married. When I got back to Jersey, I requested his info from mutual friends. He is Indian and I am black. Not a traditional couple but that was actually the same racial dynamics of the bride and groom.❤️ I was going to take some serious time off from dating but something said…you have to move on. It’s not like you loved Elijah. So I moved forward and the Indian guy and I went on one date in May 2016. He came to NYC to see me. I met up with him after I attended a day party with my family in the city. He was cool but right away our HUGE differences stuck out. He was Hindu (though non practicing), allergic to seafood (there goes my Red Lobster Endless Shrimp days🙄), AND he did not eat meat! 😳 This is ignorant as f*ck but I can’t do without my shrimp and jerk/fried chicken! 😭 He also lived in Philly and hoped to move back to NC in a few years. Yea…I’m not going back South unless it’s to visit. I am a NORTH EAST woman and that’s how I want to stay. So too many differences for us to even give it a chance. 🤷🏽♀️ After that, I just decided that not dating for a while was not a bad idea. I can catch my breathe and focus on all my Vegas laughter and fun with Harmony. With my birthday right around the corner, I started planning my week in Vegas. Randomly, I got a text from the Ex Factor. I had not heard from him since November 2015 (had him on block for a few months to give me and Elijah a fighting chance). The Ex Factor and I caught up like two old friends. It never even occurred to me that I could take him back. I was okay with our failed romance. I had made peace with most of it. When the conversation was ending, he asked if he could see me and I declined by saying that I loved him but I was okay with loving him from afar. 🙌🏽 Or so I thought. 🤦🏽♀️ He then replied that he loved me too! That threw me for a loop because in all these years, love had never been in his vocabulary. 🤷🏽♀️ As a matter of fact…it was barely in mine. To this day, I HAVE NEVER TOLD HIM I LOVE HIM IN PERSON!!! 🤦🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️ Julio and I always told each other we loved each other (since high school) but Julio fell FIRST. So he expressed his love openly and easily. It took me about a year (after he told me he loved me) to get that comfortable with telling Julio I loved him. 👀 Yea I always had intimacy issues! 🤷🏽♀️🤣 Back to 2016! When I came back from my Vegas birthday trip, the day my plane landed in Jersey to be exact, I agreed to see the Ex Factor. 🤦🏽♀️🙄 When I laid eyes on him…it was like no time had passed. It was like that scene in the first “Sex and The City” movie when Carrie went to pick up her shoes and Mr. Big was in their apartment….collecting them so he could send them to her. They embraced with no words and it was LOVE. ❤️❤️❤️ WE MADE LOVE. And I had my lover back. Through every intense stroke…it felt like the first time. The first time I knew I loved him and the first time we slept together. My lover was home and I was ready to explore him and let him explore me. My puss was tight and ready. Hey….I stayed with Elijah for 7 months but I cut the cookie off from him in November 2015!!!! Yup! 🤣 So from December 2015-April 2016 (month of our break up), Elijah didn’t get as much as a hand job from me! 🙌🏽 But I digress! My lover was home and we were in love…until we weren’t…~KJM dropping Chapter 7 on Throwback Thursday aka Valentines Day 2019. Love to love you baby! 😘
Year 2015. THE YEAR I ENDED MY OBSESSION WITH BLUE/GREEN EYESHADOW!!!! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽 Praise be! 2015 was also another year of big change for me. Randomly, within 48 hours, I moved back to New Jersey from Richmond! BEST decision I made in a long time. I think I left the eyeshadow in Richmond and began anew in New Jersey. Oh wait….let me back it up. I think I missed telling you something important. In 2014, I left off with listening to his pointless voicemail. 🙄 From there, I unblocked him and we started communicating again. 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️ I know this shit is getting to be OBSESSION NOT BY CALVIN KLEIN! 🙄 Like a reoccurring vaginal infection (surprising and uncomfortable yet mostly harmless) he appeared back in my daily life. 🤦🏽♀️ Somehow we started making Valentines 2015 weekend plans! 👀 When men haven’t had a taste of that good good in a long while, they will agree to almost anything. 😇🙄 And so we began planning our three day weekend. I am not sure what the hell I was thinking but I rolled with it. The weekend itself was the best VDay we had ever had though there were some bumps in the road. Unbeknownst to him, he made me cry that weekend. I NEVER CRY IN FRONT OF ROMANTIC LOVERS or any lover for that fact. 🙌🏽 But I am much like my mama, in this instance, that if you make me cry, I’m gonna lay your ass out right after! 👊🏾 Child, I laid into him right after we watched “50 Shades of Grey.” In proper Jersey fashion, I didn’t give a f*ck who could have seen it or heard it. In Jersey (and Kingston, Jamaica) we turn all the way up when you cross us. 🤣🙌🏽🔪 Then I told his ass he better not be sleeping next to me tonight because I hold grudges! 🙄😳🤣🤣🤣 Somehow, we made it to dinner and still salvaged the weekend! Shout out to my baby bro, Junior, for driving in the snow to come check on me. One thing about my crazy family….one of the men will show up in a minute if they think someone is hurting one of their baby girls! 😍👊🏾 But I digress. From Valentines Day until Mother’s Day weekend (yes we had an amazing Mother’s Day weekend even though I am not a mom), he made me happy for the most part. By Mother’s Day, I had relocated back to Jersey and I was in my element. I felt strong, I felt at home, I felt confident, and I felt like if he showed his ass….I would be out. ✌🏾✌🏾✌🏾 And so it was said and so it was done. In February, the Ex Factor lost his job. He was pretty positive about finding a new job up until June. Then I started to see different sides of him. I kept telling him that I got him….that if one of us had it, we both got it. I wanted to repay the favor of being there for him the way he was there for me when I was at my lowest (2010-2012) but he never allowed me to truly be there. And his male pride and ego, broke us even more. By September 2015, Elijah had stepped to me. At first I told him that I had a situation and if I didn’t anymore, I would consider him. Truthfully, I never wanted Elijah. I just wanted to feel appreciated. Things fell apart and I took Elijah up on his offer. That is…after I let the Ex Factor go. (FYI. I stayed with the Ex Factor until he got a job!!!) Old me would have kept them both but new me that had survived a severely broken heart and a random relocation, was wiser. Just ONE. I would keep just one of them. Too bad neither was worth keeping! 🤣🤦🏽♀️ I stayed with Elijah for about 7 months…not because I was truly in to him but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could be in a stable relationship. But that dude Elijah was a lunatic. I don’t like to date crazier than me. After my asshole healed (see all blogs and podcasts on Elijah for reference 👀🤣🤦🏽♀️). I was out. ✌🏾 Single and dating slowly, I started trying other cultures out (again). Met a really nice Indian dude but it was just bad timing. Oh wait! This was really in 2016….stay tuned. ~KJM dropping Chapter 6 on Hump Day. How are you guys enjoying the series so far? ❤️
The frost of Thanksgiving Night has thawed out. And then the dawn appeared filled with new brave thoughts. If I am alone…just let me alone. ALONE I can handle. What is breaking me is being stuck in the middle. Feeling your warmth on certain days and your cold shoulder on others. Never really feeling like a priority. I know I am alone. What I am really asking is for you to let me feel completely alone. I can withstand frost alone. I can dig myself out of a snow storm alone. My life could completely fall apart and I could piece it together…alone. This I know. What I don’t like is feeling like you should be here for me….present with me…yet you are not. It is not that I feel the presence of other women. If I had this feeling…breaking away from you would be easy. There are so many ways a man can make a woman…his woman…feel alone. Whether your focus is on friends, family, or video games…it just feels like I’m laying with a phantom of you. Alone is my safe place. Like completely alone. I travel alone (by choice). I live alone (by choice). Alone is my safe space. I can share any truths with myself. I can hold myself. I can pleasure myself. What makes me uncomfortable is not the thought of being alone…but the ghost of you that is barely present. I can see a new dawn being born as the sun rises. The warmth of understanding that it is a new day and I am alone is okay with me. I will not break. I will not be sad for I can trust myself to be alone with myself. I can rely on me…always have. I will show up for myself. And in the darkest hours, I would rather know that you were never showing up than to be disappointed by the phantom of you being absent again. If I am alone in this world…then let me be alone. There is PEACE in being alone. I won’t waste a night of sleep missing me nor yearning for myself. For I got me. There is a deep understanding of self…when one is alone. ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. So many of us women are carrying our relationships (whether dating or married). A relationship (not even marriage) does not guarantee that you won’t be nor feel alone. Many of us will settle down with useless corpses of a man but never forget that we still have ourselves. Sometimes alone is just the best place to be. 💕
It was the thing I could never bring myself to actually say. The thing that haunted me day and night. The feeling that I could not escape. It was suffocating at times. Wanting to be desired and loved by him and only him openly and honestly. I wanted to scream….I NEED YOU TO LOVE ME…but for some reason stating that I had a need was difficult for me. Saying that Superwoman had needs is acknowledging that she is HUMAN and she needs what other humans need. She needs to know that the man she loves…loves her. She needed to know he will secure her and their future. Superwoman needed to know that he could turn into HER Superman in moments when she’s weak. She needed to know that he would always be there for her and that she was a priority in his life. Even if he verbally expressed these things…SHE NEEDED TO FEEL IT. The Ex Factor is the only man that has ever made me feel undesirable and I’m NOT talking sexually…which I think was a point of contention for us. Because he is highly attracted to me and loves our sex life…he thinks that that shows he desires me. Meanwhile…I wanted him to show me that my heart was desired. Any random man on the street can say he sexually desires me. That shit don’t mean nothing. To be a sex object that is. When you love a man…you want so much more from him. I am signaling to him that I just want him and only him. No other man desiring me will do…on any level. Yet all he did was focus on HIS short comings which left ME feeling insecure. He made me feel like I was just too much of a woman for him. Let me be clear…I did not fall in love with his potential….I fell in love with the potential of what we could be if we built together. In the beginning, I felt so desired. I had never been on such a high from a man providing things my soul needed. What little the Ex Factor had…he was willing to share with me. That vision of whatever we have we will share with each other kept me going. For most of the first two years of dating, no matter the hardships I faced in my life…I knew that he was with me. There was a time he was my Superman. Please do not let him tell you differently. There was a time he was my prince in the making of a king. My heart was his. I had unexpectedly given away my heart to one of the most unlikely men. But I have to accept that we have both changed and my Superman is not coming back. That is the hardest thing…letting go of what was and accepting what will never be. I loved though….as hard as I could and I prayed….as much as I could. Yet the results were the same….I felt suffocated by my own loneliness…even with the Ex Factor laying right next to me. I needed to be LOVED and I just did not FEEL loved. At least, I can finally say it now. ~KJM doing some reflection on Temptation Tuesday. 💜
Hearts racing. Minds focused. Hormones in the air. We are finally at the negotiation table…unexpectedly of course. In every area of life, I know where my power lies…except for my personal life with the Ex Factor. My love for him was so great that common sense seemed to escape me in the years I have known him. I never realized that I did have a lot of power in my romantic life until recently. 🤦🏽♀️ The Ex Factor was the only guy that I have dated (long term) that I have had to close the pussy shop on (several times in these last couple of years). So here we are negotiating when he had never been willing to before. It actually caught me by surprise because it is so unlike him. He is stuck in his ways. Back to the art of negotiation. Through education and life experiences, I have learned quite a lot about the art of negotiation. When two parties are at a table for long periods of times trying to hash out terms to an agreement…it is understood that they both can value from the relationship. One or both sides may even say what their direct interest is. However, know that there are almost always hidden agendas on both sides. It is very rare for both sides to come to the table clear on all of their intentions. And if an agreement is finally reached…be ware of boilerplate language (small but usually long passages that have the true agendas in them). Many people overlook the boilerplate because it looks like junk at first but as a wise person once said “the devil is in the details.” This can be said in love and in business. Back to the table. I indicated that I need a romantic pause and the Ex Factor in turn was ready to negotiate to prevent the pause. I had something he wanted (right now) though I am unsure of what that is. I, on the other hand, came with my worth in hand. Not purposely. Typically I hid my power from him but now he was speaking my language. An area I excel in. NEGOTIATIONS. 🙌🏽 He gave me his terms and I carefully read them (with my mind only for my heart was already in pause mode from when I made my original request). Now if you are negotiating for a long time with another party and just as you are ready to withdraw…they come up with terms to keep you at the negotiating table….one of two possible things may be happening: (1) The other party already knows your worth to them and has always been willing to meet your demands but wanted it to play out in the general negotiation in case they could gain some favorable terms for themselves without giving away everything to you or (2) IT IS A TRAP and the boilerplate language shows their true intentions. It’s the same fucking terms you have repeatedly rejected dressed up as something else. So you see the devil is in the details. That’s where you will find the true analysis of what your opponent thinks you are worth. Of course, the Ex Factor’s terms were the same ones I had continuously been rejecting outright for the last two years! 🤦🏽♀️ I get why he thinks I would accept them. Unbeknownst to me, I had been accepting these lame ass terms since 2010…dressed up in boilerplate language that would later break my heart. It was easy for him to get all his needs met because I had been foolishly negotiating with my heart and not my mind. 🤦🏽♀️ But this time, he named his terms (or his “last compromise”…as he called it…not sure when his first compromise ever occurred.🙄🤷🏽♀️) in the form of a negotiation! Enter brain, education, and experience.🙌🏽 This made it so easy for me to reject his terms. They were the exact same for the last couple years…with hidden agendas. Nothing in it for me. Not one thing in there for me. And that was clear so I walked away (rather easily) because he was finally speaking a language I understood. When the other side does this…they either do not value you at all or you are worth so much to them that they want you to under value yourself so they can benefit from it. I am not sure which position he has taken and I wasn’t going to stay around to find out. So we are like on our 100th romantic pause. We typically bounce back but just like with Julio…no one ever thought I would leave him. It’s been 9 years now that I lost all my feelings (and attraction) for Julio except as like a distant friend that I grew up with. Ouch. I no longer see Julio as a romantic interest and that day just may come for the Ex Factor. Love can only do so much without ever being watered nor given sunlight. ~KJM on Flashback Friday. All is fair in love and war. 💜
I am having one of those off weeks where I have diarrhea of the mouth. The things I say are so true…that is…my truth as I know it but still not everything should be said. Of course, I have made an art of saying things that should never be spoken. 🤦🏽♀️ According to my mother, I started to perfect this art at the age of one and a half…as soon as I learned to talk. 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🙄😳 Yesterday was a particularly gruesome version of having severe diarrhea of the mouth. I managed to accidentally insult a coworker, annoy my mother, and of course, cuss the Ex Factor the fuck out. 🙄🤦🏽♀️🔪 It was all accidentally…I swear. With the Ex Factor and I, one minute we were laughing at something I sent him and the next we were arguing. Everyone that knows me know that arguing with me is a fight they are going to lose. I am the champ of ‘fuck off where you stand’ mixed with ‘and another thing…fuck you again!’ 🤦🏽♀️ Oh my parents would be so proud?! NOT!!! 🔪 My mother is always telling me that there are certain things you should never say to a man…even if it’s true. If there are ten things you should never ever say to a man…I have said them all plus come up with another ten ball busting sentences that should never be repeated. 👀🙄 Wait…I ain’t never said the baby ain’t yours…it’s your best friends or the mailman’s. 🙌🏽🤣 Yasss…the one ball buster I have never said! 🙄👀🤦🏽♀️ Shit and I better not because my parents would kill my ass for that one! 🔪🔪🔪 Now where was I…oh yea…crushing balls with my six inch heels. 🤦🏽♀️ You may think I am this way because I am an alpha female but that’s only part of it. Like Auntie Iyanla would say…every thing goes back to our childhood pathology. I grew up with my mother, especially her younger version, swallowing every messed up thing my father ever did to her. She would cry and cry and not speak up for herself. As she got older and realized that she’s raising young girls who are looking at her like ‘what the fuck mom’ she started growing a strong vagina. Mama Michaels fought for her independence and held her own…this I am so proud of. Better late than never. 💜 She went from being a battered woman (something I hate speaking about because it’s so hurtful) to being a woman of strength who could raise an alpha female like myself. 🙌🏽 Seeing the earlier version of her…did something to me though. I have had this talk with my father several times. I am not married and do not have children because of what I witnessed in my home. If it is just me…I can travel lite…never staying anywhere long enough for any man to knock out my teeth. Yes…this is a sad reality…for most of the women in my family. I aimed to be the first to live differently. To live for myself. I aimed to be a FREE woman even in love. 🙌🏽 What I have come to find out is…this is no easy task. Even brave me has succumb to doing my best not to hurt the male ego while eating my own feelings…silently. I think no matter how strong we woman are…environment can still affect us. We still live in a patriarchal society. We are still reduced to our virtuous sexuality and reproductive systems. Meaning…no matter what we accomplish…society still ranks us on looks, how loyal we are to our broken men, and our ability to reproduce. 🙄 Patriarchy is so toxic that it still seeps in…no matter how hard we try to fight against it. And so we women eat our feelings…silently…for the male ego. And what does that do for us? Either we get severely depressed or we become raving lunatics who explode for the slightest reasons! 🙄🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️ Fuck, fuck, fuck! 🙄 No matter what you decide when conflicts arise in your relationships….just remember we can only work on ourselves. We can only hold ourselves accountable. Some how we have to find a balance between feeling unheard and being labeled crazy for expressing our feelings. I am not sure what the balance is but I’m still aiming to work on me. To the Ex Factor…I say…I am really sorry for my part of our argument. ~KJM is holding herself accountable on Hump Day. This does not mean he was right nor diminish the things he said. All it does is show my need for growth as a woman.
She looked me in the eyes and told me that after almost forty years on and off…in an abusive marriage…she still had hope that God could turn him around. “There will be a day that the Good Lord will send him back to me…renewed…with his heart clean…as a changed man. And I MAY take him back because I love him. After all he is still my husband.” I was baffled by this confession. Part of me thought how silly can she be. I know him well and I see no change in sight. The other part of me thought….her love and her faith are so much deeper than mine. Yet, I, too wait. A different type of wait but still a dreadful wait. There are days I am armed with prayer that he (the Ex Factor in my scenario) will grow up and learn to appreciate the love he has been given. Then there are days when I get angry and frustrated with both the Ex Factor and God. Why God? HE could have granted me my five year old wish of never loving a man. Until I was twenty nine years old, I always thought I was love proof. And I’m not talking about puppy love like me and Julio. I am taking about the painstaking journey of loving a man unconditionally that refuses to grow up and be a man. I really thought I was going to be the first woman in my family (that I know of) to beat this curse. My five year old self envisioned my older self happy in my career and traveling the world…with only a dog in tow. Big house for just me and my pups. 🤦🏽♀️🙄🤣 Still working on the puppy. I don’t want to adopt one until I feel like I am ready for that kind of responsibility. But back to my five year old self. We had plans and year 29 messed everything up. I wasn’t looking. It was just suppose to be a summer thing. A distraction that has now turned into an eight year distraction. 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🔪 Each year, he grows more immature. The man he is today I would never have fell for. His twenty year old self was more loving, more confident, and more consistent. So I wait. Not purposely. I just don’t believe in being with a man if I’m not in love. I was perfectly happy with what Phoenix and I had. Intellectual and physical passion that occurred once or twice every couple of years. I have known Phoenix since 2004 and never had any real feelings for him…not even the one time I tried to force it. He is just that good, understanding, and sexy friend who turns me on with just his thoughts. Damn Scorpio’s. Always great in the mind and the bed. 🤦🏽♀️😍🤷🏽♀️ That is why I never let him get too close and I controlled all of our interactions for ten years. But the Ex Factor…I didn’t see coming. I underestimated him and eight years later… I am still just as confused as to why I cannot permanently quit him. I would love to say I am just comfortable but nothing about our situation ever brought me the security that comes with comfort. And so I wait…just like her. This is where I got it from…I thought. Yet I see strength in her prayers and in her eyes. I don’t know if I could ever love so openly with that kind of strength. My mind was just not built like that. I am not that strong nor am I that patient. Bring the puppies on! 😍 ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. God bless good women who love beyond destruction and back. Shout out to all the wives and women similarly situated. Never let him break you and always remember that your faith is stronger than him. He is just a man…not God. Only God can give and take true everlasting love. 🙌🏽🙏🏾