It was the thing I could never bring myself to actually say. The thing that haunted me day and night. The feeling that I could not escape. It was suffocating at times. Wanting to be desired and loved by him and only him openly and honestly. I wanted to scream….I NEED YOU TO LOVE ME…but for some reason stating that I had a need was difficult for me. Saying that Superwoman had needs is acknowledging that she is HUMAN and she needs what other humans need. She needs to know that the man she loves…loves her. She needed to know he will secure her and their future. Superwoman needed to know that he could turn into HER Superman in moments when she’s weak. She needed to know that he would always be there for her and that she was a priority in his life. Even if he verbally expressed these things…SHE NEEDED TO FEEL IT. The Ex Factor is the only man that has ever made me feel undesirable and I’m NOT talking sexually…which I think was a point of contention for us. Because he is highly attracted to me and loves our sex life…he thinks that that shows he desires me. Meanwhile…I wanted him to show me that my heart was desired. Any random man on the street can say he sexually desires me. That shit don’t mean nothing. To be a sex object that is. When you love a man…you want so much more from him. I am signaling to him that I just want him and only him. No other man desiring me will do…on any level. Yet all he did was focus on HIS short comings which left ME feeling insecure. He made me feel like I was just too much of a woman for him. Let me be clear…I did not fall in love with his potential….I fell in love with the potential of what we could be if we built together. In the beginning, I felt so desired. I had never been on such a high from a man providing things my soul needed. What little the Ex Factor had…he was willing to share with me. That vision of whatever we have we will share with each other kept me going. For most of the first two years of dating, no matter the hardships I faced in my life…I knew that he was with me. There was a time he was my Superman. Please do not let him tell you differently. There was a time he was my prince in the making of a king. My heart was his. I had unexpectedly given away my heart to one of the most unlikely men. But I have to accept that we have both changed and my Superman is not coming back. That is the hardest thing…letting go of what was and accepting what will never be. I loved though….as hard as I could and I prayed….as much as I could. Yet the results were the same….I felt suffocated by my own loneliness…even with the Ex Factor laying right next to me. I needed to be LOVED and I just did not FEEL loved. At least, I can finally say it now. ~KJM doing some reflection on Temptation Tuesday. 💜
Hearts racing. Minds focused. Hormones in the air. We are finally at the negotiation table…unexpectedly of course. In every area of life, I know where my power lies…except for my personal life with the Ex Factor. My love for him was so great that common sense seemed to escape me in the years I have known him. I never realized that I did have a lot of power in my romantic life until recently. 🤦🏽♀️ The Ex Factor was the only guy that I have dated (long term) that I have had to close the pussy shop on (several times in these last couple of years). So here we are negotiating when he had never been willing to before. It actually caught me by surprise because it is so unlike him. He is stuck in his ways. Back to the art of negotiation. Through education and life experiences, I have learned quite a lot about the art of negotiation. When two parties are at a table for long periods of times trying to hash out terms to an agreement…it is understood that they both can value from the relationship. One or both sides may even say what their direct interest is. However, know that there are almost always hidden agendas on both sides. It is very rare for both sides to come to the table clear on all of their intentions. And if an agreement is finally reached…be ware of boilerplate language (small but usually long passages that have the true agendas in them). Many people overlook the boilerplate because it looks like junk at first but as a wise person once said “the devil is in the details.” This can be said in love and in business. Back to the table. I indicated that I need a romantic pause and the Ex Factor in turn was ready to negotiate to prevent the pause. I had something he wanted (right now) though I am unsure of what that is. I, on the other hand, came with my worth in hand. Not purposely. Typically I hid my power from him but now he was speaking my language. An area I excel in. NEGOTIATIONS. 🙌🏽 He gave me his terms and I carefully read them (with my mind only for my heart was already in pause mode from when I made my original request). Now if you are negotiating for a long time with another party and just as you are ready to withdraw…they come up with terms to keep you at the negotiating table….one of two possible things may be happening: (1) The other party already knows your worth to them and has always been willing to meet your demands but wanted it to play out in the general negotiation in case they could gain some favorable terms for themselves without giving away everything to you or (2) IT IS A TRAP and the boilerplate language shows their true intentions. It’s the same fucking terms you have repeatedly rejected dressed up as something else. So you see the devil is in the details. That’s where you will find the true analysis of what your opponent thinks you are worth. Of course, the Ex Factor’s terms were the same ones I had continuously been rejecting outright for the last two years! 🤦🏽♀️ I get why he thinks I would accept them. Unbeknownst to me, I had been accepting these lame ass terms since 2010…dressed up in boilerplate language that would later break my heart. It was easy for him to get all his needs met because I had been foolishly negotiating with my heart and not my mind. 🤦🏽♀️ But this time, he named his terms (or his “last compromise”…as he called it…not sure when his first compromise ever occurred.🙄🤷🏽♀️) in the form of a negotiation! Enter brain, education, and experience.🙌🏽 This made it so easy for me to reject his terms. They were the exact same for the last couple years…with hidden agendas. Nothing in it for me. Not one thing in there for me. And that was clear so I walked away (rather easily) because he was finally speaking a language I understood. When the other side does this…they either do not value you at all or you are worth so much to them that they want you to under value yourself so they can benefit from it. I am not sure which position he has taken and I wasn’t going to stay around to find out. So we are like on our 100th romantic pause. We typically bounce back but just like with Julio…no one ever thought I would leave him. It’s been 9 years now that I lost all my feelings (and attraction) for Julio except as like a distant friend that I grew up with. Ouch. I no longer see Julio as a romantic interest and that day just may come for the Ex Factor. Love can only do so much without ever being watered nor given sunlight. ~KJM on Flashback Friday. All is fair in love and war. 💜
I am having one of those off weeks where I have diarrhea of the mouth. The things I say are so true…that is…my truth as I know it but still not everything should be said. Of course, I have made an art of saying things that should never be spoken. 🤦🏽♀️ According to my mother, I started to perfect this art at the age of one and a half…as soon as I learned to talk. 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🙄😳 Yesterday was a particularly gruesome version of having severe diarrhea of the mouth. I managed to accidentally insult a coworker, annoy my mother, and of course, cuss the Ex Factor the fuck out. 🙄🤦🏽♀️🔪 It was all accidentally…I swear. With the Ex Factor and I, one minute we were laughing at something I sent him and the next we were arguing. Everyone that knows me know that arguing with me is a fight they are going to lose. I am the champ of ‘fuck off where you stand’ mixed with ‘and another thing…fuck you again!’ 🤦🏽♀️ Oh my parents would be so proud?! NOT!!! 🔪 My mother is always telling me that there are certain things you should never say to a man…even if it’s true. If there are ten things you should never ever say to a man…I have said them all plus come up with another ten ball busting sentences that should never be repeated. 👀🙄 Wait…I ain’t never said the baby ain’t yours…it’s your best friends or the mailman’s. 🙌🏽🤣 Yasss…the one ball buster I have never said! 🙄👀🤦🏽♀️ Shit and I better not because my parents would kill my ass for that one! 🔪🔪🔪 Now where was I…oh yea…crushing balls with my six inch heels. 🤦🏽♀️ You may think I am this way because I am an alpha female but that’s only part of it. Like Auntie Iyanla would say…every thing goes back to our childhood pathology. I grew up with my mother, especially her younger version, swallowing every messed up thing my father ever did to her. She would cry and cry and not speak up for herself. As she got older and realized that she’s raising young girls who are looking at her like ‘what the fuck mom’ she started growing a strong vagina. Mama Michaels fought for her independence and held her own…this I am so proud of. Better late than never. 💜 She went from being a battered woman (something I hate speaking about because it’s so hurtful) to being a woman of strength who could raise an alpha female like myself. 🙌🏽 Seeing the earlier version of her…did something to me though. I have had this talk with my father several times. I am not married and do not have children because of what I witnessed in my home. If it is just me…I can travel lite…never staying anywhere long enough for any man to knock out my teeth. Yes…this is a sad reality…for most of the women in my family. I aimed to be the first to live differently. To live for myself. I aimed to be a FREE woman even in love. 🙌🏽 What I have come to find out is…this is no easy task. Even brave me has succumb to doing my best not to hurt the male ego while eating my own feelings…silently. I think no matter how strong we woman are…environment can still affect us. We still live in a patriarchal society. We are still reduced to our virtuous sexuality and reproductive systems. Meaning…no matter what we accomplish…society still ranks us on looks, how loyal we are to our broken men, and our ability to reproduce. 🙄 Patriarchy is so toxic that it still seeps in…no matter how hard we try to fight against it. And so we women eat our feelings…silently…for the male ego. And what does that do for us? Either we get severely depressed or we become raving lunatics who explode for the slightest reasons! 🙄🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️ Fuck, fuck, fuck! 🙄 No matter what you decide when conflicts arise in your relationships….just remember we can only work on ourselves. We can only hold ourselves accountable. Some how we have to find a balance between feeling unheard and being labeled crazy for expressing our feelings. I am not sure what the balance is but I’m still aiming to work on me. To the Ex Factor…I say…I am really sorry for my part of our argument. ~KJM is holding herself accountable on Hump Day. This does not mean he was right nor diminish the things he said. All it does is show my need for growth as a woman.
She looked me in the eyes and told me that after almost forty years on and off…in an abusive marriage…she still had hope that God could turn him around. “There will be a day that the Good Lord will send him back to me…renewed…with his heart clean…as a changed man. And I MAY take him back because I love him. After all he is still my husband.” I was baffled by this confession. Part of me thought how silly can she be. I know him well and I see no change in sight. The other part of me thought….her love and her faith are so much deeper than mine. Yet, I, too wait. A different type of wait but still a dreadful wait. There are days I am armed with prayer that he (the Ex Factor in my scenario) will grow up and learn to appreciate the love he has been given. Then there are days when I get angry and frustrated with both the Ex Factor and God. Why God? HE could have granted me my five year old wish of never loving a man. Until I was twenty nine years old, I always thought I was love proof. And I’m not talking about puppy love like me and Julio. I am taking about the painstaking journey of loving a man unconditionally that refuses to grow up and be a man. I really thought I was going to be the first woman in my family (that I know of) to beat this curse. My five year old self envisioned my older self happy in my career and traveling the world…with only a dog in tow. Big house for just me and my pups. 🤦🏽♀️🙄🤣 Still working on the puppy. I don’t want to adopt one until I feel like I am ready for that kind of responsibility. But back to my five year old self. We had plans and year 29 messed everything up. I wasn’t looking. It was just suppose to be a summer thing. A distraction that has now turned into an eight year distraction. 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🔪 Each year, he grows more immature. The man he is today I would never have fell for. His twenty year old self was more loving, more confident, and more consistent. So I wait. Not purposely. I just don’t believe in being with a man if I’m not in love. I was perfectly happy with what Phoenix and I had. Intellectual and physical passion that occurred once or twice every couple of years. I have known Phoenix since 2004 and never had any real feelings for him…not even the one time I tried to force it. He is just that good, understanding, and sexy friend who turns me on with just his thoughts. Damn Scorpio’s. Always great in the mind and the bed. 🤦🏽♀️😍🤷🏽♀️ That is why I never let him get too close and I controlled all of our interactions for ten years. But the Ex Factor…I didn’t see coming. I underestimated him and eight years later… I am still just as confused as to why I cannot permanently quit him. I would love to say I am just comfortable but nothing about our situation ever brought me the security that comes with comfort. And so I wait…just like her. This is where I got it from…I thought. Yet I see strength in her prayers and in her eyes. I don’t know if I could ever love so openly with that kind of strength. My mind was just not built like that. I am not that strong nor am I that patient. Bring the puppies on! 😍 ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. God bless good women who love beyond destruction and back. Shout out to all the wives and women similarly situated. Never let him break you and always remember that your faith is stronger than him. He is just a man…not God. Only God can give and take true everlasting love. 🙌🏽🙏🏾
This morning…out of nowhere…I looked in the mirror and started to cry. For the first time, I started to recite some words that I don’t think I have ever said out loud to myself. 😩 I’m pretty sure I have written them to you guys but I don’t think I have just said them to MYSELF…out loud. I could hear my voice repeating one of the cold hard truths of my life. I…was…saying…what I could no longer deny. And I cried with the intensity of a baby’s first cry. It was scary yet gave me a sense of relief. If I could not be honest with myself…then who can I be honest with? I needed to accept this truth as it had been relayed to me years ago. I had to ACCEPT it and keep reassuring myself that everything will be alright. It was okay that I only just found the courage to speak this truth. It’s okay that I had huge moments of weaknesses that kept me from being conscious of the mess I had found myself in. The crazy thing is nothing bad occurred to trigger this feeling. It was more like a simple act of another spoke volumes to me. One simple act laid out the unspeakable truth that my mind and my heart had been hiding from me. So I found the courage to recite the words over and over to myself. I found the courage to cry alone. I found the courage to take charge of my life and my happiness. I…found…the courage. Granted…it felt kind of late in life but they always say better late than never. So I cried and recited. Cried and recited. There is power in being honest with ourselves. So I stood in my power and took a deep breath. And a voice said…this is as far as the road goes. Next stop…no clue but it will have to be a place that speaks to the truth of who I am. There is power in acceptance. ~KJM is not in her normal Hump Day mood. Maybe next week… Be blessed in all you do. 🌹
Sometimes life just echoes itself. No sooner after writing Saturday’s post (about some adulthood truths) did I find myself in a very uncomfortable conversation with my father. Out of all of the children…my brother, Junior, is the most vocal about his relationship statuses. My sister, Brenda, and I have ALWAYS been more low key about our love lives. As a matter of fact, the only guy my parents knew I dated for sure was Julio and that was ONLY because we met when I was 15 and he was 16. This would be one of my biggest regrets. You see when people know details of your personal life…they mistakenly think they get a vote in how you live it out. This is simply not true. The mind your own fucking business act is always in place. Stay in your own lane and worry about your own relationships. Now if you have not been keeping up with this blog…let me refresh your memory. While I am a Daddy’s girl…Daddy was ONLY good to ME! He had never been kind nor caring to anyone else’s daughter…not even my mother! While I have a very complicated toxic relationship with my mother, I don’t ever allow myself to forget about how much abuse she endured from my father and her parents. 👀 The problem with Mama Michaels is she let that toxicity transfer into her relationships with her children….with my relationship with her being the most damaged. While I love my parents dearly, I’m not blind to see that they are both toxic as fuck to each other and everyone around them! 🙌🏽 That is my life truth as I know it. Because of them, I stopped being a child at the tender age of 5! 👀 After witnessing and now understanding what domestic violence means, I told the nuns at my school that I was never getting married nor having children! That was 32 fucking years ago and I have kept my promise! 😳 Yes, once again, I was only 5 years old. 🤦🏽♀️ So it is no wonder there is very little I want to adapt from their marriage and their parenting. Throw the whole damn thing away! ✌🏾My siblings and I can and will do better by the Grace of God! 🙏🏽 Now that we have some background history, let’s go back to the present mess. My Dad was telling me he may go on a road trip with friends to Disney and I said I would love to take an ADULT ONLY Disney trip with my friends. He started questioning why I do not take vacations with the Ex Factor! 😳🙄 I asked him if in the entire 37 years that he has known me and in my extensive dating life…did he not know me to be a loner?! I mean I’ve had friendships for over 20 years and I still don’t bring my friends to family events. Majority of my friends live in different states and countries (like 99% of them) so my fucking vacations are for ME and THEM! ✌🏾 And I am dead ass about that. I cannot tell you how many couples I see fighting while I’m on vacation! I witnessed a particularly embarrassing public argument between a young married couple at the pool when I was in Hawaii. The husband kept yelling “you don’t think I fucking take good care of you?!” 🤦🏽♀️ Child….if that ain’t Jesus asking…I don’t plan on ever having to answer (especially publicly) such a ludicrous and distasteful question! 🔪🔪🔪 Not sure why his balls were hanging so low that day! ✌🏾 My vacations alone or with my friends are everything! 🙌🏽 I am almost positive the Ex Factor feels the same about his friends. The first mistake I made in this conversation with my father was ever addressing it! The second was listening to the bull shit he spat about how I have to change my ways!!!! He said that even if my relationship isn’t that serious…I should be going on vacations with “dates.” ✌🏾 I told him I don’t got to fuck at every port I arrive at like he does! 🙌🏽 And that is not because of my love for the Ex Factor! It is because of my love and respect for my fucking self!!! Plus I reminded him that even though men cheat more….most men are horrible in bed no matter the age! Most of these dudes getting fucked for money, pension plans, shopping sprees, or just as a plain old pass time like baseball use to be to America. 🙌🏽 Mistresses are out there to use a motherfucker! They taking the ragged cheating dicks because they got bills to pay. Morale of the story…don’t get hyped about new pussy. It almost always comes with a price! 🙌🏽 After I laid into his ass, my father had the nerve to hit me with…”I got it….I don’t have to save for a wedding for Kingston!” 🙄 That is when I felt tears well up in my throat. Let me get this fucking straight?! He taught me how to be free thinking and independent yet when I exercise that right my entire fucking life…my life is nothing without a man to go on vacations with?!! Get the fuck out of here?! Daddy proceeded (like some of my single male friends have before) to tell me that I’m exactly the type of woman he would never date!!! Oh really?! You mean the type a bitch that won’t let a man beat or cheat on her? The type of bitch that got her own? The type of bitch that feels love is a choice and not a fucking necessity?! The type of bitch that works hard? The type of bitch that can be in a boardroom with 20 penises and not be interested in fucking one?! Yea I am the bitch. 🙌🏽 And you helped create her. Now stay in your fucking lane and proceed with caution because my personal life is exactly that…MINE! ~KJM is heated on Charm School Monday! Long live the feminists! And even if you aren’t one…long live men not being a god damn necessity but a bad choice many of us make over and over again.👀 I may not be the best at relationships but I pack light and I am always ready and willing to leave the port and set sail on a new adventure without a man! 🙌🏽 Same OG since I was 5! Only God can work on me…if HE sees the need to. 😇
Sometimes it pours out of me…this feeling of having so much to say…and other times I feel it but I cannot write it. Blogging is still a passion of mine…we are just going through a rough patch. Perhaps I’m in the throes of my 80th midlife crisis or maybe I am just trying to get myself centered again. Today it is pouring out of me. Here are some truths (as I know it) that I wish I had known before becoming an adult. 11. OUR WEIGHT WILL FLUCTUATE OFTEN! Whether you had children or not…your weight will fluctuate often…even in times when you think you have it under control. I have had my pouch since my 30th Birthday! 🙄 I feel like it mysteriously appeared on the exact day! 🤦🏽♀️ 10. MOST OF US HAVE ISSUES WITH ONE OR BOTH OF OUR PARENTS! Childhood scars stay with us our entire lives. They will be battle wounds that will get reopened when triggered in every relationship we have as adults. Very few people are blessed to have a childhood that they felt was close to perfect. 9. WE WILL LOSE FRIENDS! In our journey into adulthood, we will lose or outgrow many of our friends. Sometimes to death but mostly to family life. They will go off to the island of marriage and children and forget to write.🤦🏽♀️ And we will mourn the good ones. I think I struggle with this the most right now. If I did not have Harmony and a few other friends to hang with…I would be a lone female wolf. 🙄 8. MOST FOLKS WILL REGRET NOT VALUING FRIENDSHIPS! I don’t care what anyone says…friendships are so important! They take you through school, marriages, divorces, parenting, career woes, and the ups and downs of life. You cannot rely on just your spouse (and definitely should not rely on your children) to ride out the waves of life. 7. YOU WILL ALWAYS FEEL UNDER PAID! Generally the older we get, the more we learn our worth. That means even our crappy careers that over a decade or two ago we were so happy to be a part of….will now feel like legal servitude. Sometimes I feel like I am being paid a dollar a day to put tiny buttons on shirts in an overheated dungeon! 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️ Ugh, unless you have your own business and/or are living out a life long career path…we will all get that sweatshop feeling sooner or later. 👀 6. LOVE WILL NEVER BE EASY! Who in the hell makes up shit like “when it is right it feels easy?” Yea ok….when is building a life with someone easy? When is giving up certain freedoms, living spaces, dreams, careers, and sometimes our sense of identity easy? Fuck out of here! Love is work and work is hard! Anything you want out of life that’s worth having will require serious blood, sweat, and tears! 5. WE ALL SETTLE! I have a theory that most folks are not “happy” (whatever the fuck that means) in their personal lives. Whether it’s upfront or many years later…99% of us will come to the realization that we settled on some level with whom we chose as our ending destinations. Some folks will never choose a final destination and will set up at several ports before jumping back on their ships again. This is still a version of settling. These folks decided to settle on new adventures instead of ever investing in one. They never even took the plunge. In essence, they settled on playing it safe. 🙄 This may be me if I’m not careful. 4. MOST MEN ARE NOT FEMINISTS! No matter how liberal you think your man is…deep down inside he still carries some sexist views. Don’t believe me sis? Start making more money than him and you will probably see an entire different version of the man you thought you knew! 👀 It is rare to bump into a man that truly believes in the equality of women. 🙌🏽 3. WOMEN HAVE HIGHER SEX DRIVES! Science has proven that as women age…their sex drives increase while most men’s decreases. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule. What somebody left out is some of us will have a higher sex drive than men in all stages of life! Besides Crazy (definitely) and maybe Phoenix (where my sex drive matched theirs for the most part)….my sex drive has been higher than every guy I have dated no matter his age. 😳👀 While it seems that men cheat more…they are cheating with raggedy dicks…which don’t operate forever like our firmly tightened vaginas. 🙌🏽 Child, why didn’t somebody warn me?! Now maybe part of my sex drive is genetic as I know BOTH of my parents have a very high sex drive (oh the trauma from my childhood bedroom being above theirs 😩🙄). Soon if I am not careful…I am going to have to go back to fucking just turned 20 year old guys! 😩🤦🏽♀️ Bad sex and low sex drives are high on my dealbreaker list whereas most women put up with it in the name of love. 🙄 I think that’s called marriage! 👀 FOH! 2. WE WILL ALL QUESTION OUR SELF WORTH AND OUR SELF ESTEEMS! If women like the late great Maya Angelou suffered from low self esteem (see her book called “The Heart Of A Woman”) and women like JLo and Halle Berry have suffered too…then what hope do those of us with less wisdom, less money, and less beauty have? Child….no matter how high you think of yourself…there are going to be many times in life that you will question your own worth! From careers to personal lives and even in friendships…self esteem will be a reoccurring theme. Good time to say…at some point we all accept shit in life and there will be times when we are accepting shit and it is NOT because of low self esteem!!!! Whew! 🙌🏽 Sometimes we are being patient with people or trying hard not to give up on them because we are strong enough to survive their mess! 🙌🏽 I wish somebody would have told me that…let’s say just as I began dating! 🤦🏽♀️ 1. HAPPINESS AND THE 1%! Back to that word “happiness.” Happiness, to me, means making the best out of the shit you found yourself in and always making sure to put yourself first especially when the odds are stacked against you! 🙌🏽 As for ones love life, I truly believe that much like Billionaires are like 1% of the world’s population…only 1% of couples truly end up with a partner that was perfect for them! 💜 The other 99% of us are fucked! 🤦🏽♀️ Now of course, I don’t have those numbers down to a science but my life experiences directly and indirectly tells me that most of us marry or end up with just the wrong damn person for a whole host of reasons! The difference between divorcing now versus divorcing 20 years later? Just depends on how long it takes you to take a long hard look at your life! 🤷🏽♀️ I know I may sound like a cynic but to be honest….everyday I pray I am part of that 1% that is rich in true and everlasting love! 🙏🏾 Until then, I’m just chilling…trying not to dock permanently at any man’s port. 🤦🏽♀️ ~KJM on Serenity Saturday. What are some of your life truths?
Happy Serenity Sunday! Last night, I had one of those small break through life moments. One of my most therapeutic tasks in life is cleaning my bathroom. I am not sure how long it’s been…but I have been avoiding cleaning it. It’s like I hit a road block. Every weekend, I would say today is going to be the day and then I would not clean my bathroom. I use to love cleaning the bathroom so much that I would do a three hour ritual…no matter the size of my bathroom. Typically, I would also redecorate it. For months, my bathroom has been brown and blue. I have been wanting to change it to red and cream but would fail to. Everyday I wake up disgusted at not just the state of my bathroom but the look of the colors I wanted to rip down! Yet there I stood…frustrated and frozen. It’s just a bathroom to some but for me it’s a sign of where I am in life. Since end of January, my family and I have been living a nightmare. Some family members refuse to talk about it, others are angry, and some have break downs every time we receive a negative update. No matter their response…I carry the burden with me every day. It has caused my stress eating, increased my insomnia, and caused a situational depression that I haven’t experienced in 5 years. I am sad. I am confused. And I’m making the best decisions I can for my family. I don’t get a day off. I have to deal with it even if no one else wants to. My heart and spirit are broken. I feel motionless and lifeless most of the time. But I digress. Last night, I was putting flexi rods in my hair and I had that break through moment! I GAVE MYSELF 45 MINUTES TO GET MY LIFE BACK ON TRACK!!! Just 45 minutes! This means I have to clean AND redecorate my bathroom in that time. It will NOT be a perfect clean. I have to admit that I am not perfect and I have to do what I can. I have to be easy on myself. In 45 minutes, I may not get everything done but I will get something done that will help get my life back on track. I AM HUMAN! I AM NOT PERFECT! I must acknowledge these truths to move forward in my life!!!🙌🏽 Within seconds, I started ripping things down while bleaching!!! Keeping in mind that I only have 45 minutes! Why is the time so important? Because if I gave myself til eternity, I may quit or exhaust myself to the point where I am disappointed that I cannot do it all. With a time limit, I am saying to myself…do what you can and whatever small thing you accomplish is still an accomplishment. 🙌🏽 Plus I am on a 7 day work schedule with my day job…so I need to get some sleep. 45 minutes! 45 minutes! 45 minutes! It took me 50 minutes but I achieved a lot. My bathroom is now red and cream. And I left the mirrors and the sink alone but tub/shower, toilet, and floor were shining! 😍 At one point, my toilet brush broke but I didn’t freak out..I improvised with what I had and I got my life back on track…even if it was just in a small way. This was a significant moment because before it…life was just taking over. It was happening to me and I no longer had the energy to respond. In this small moment, I began to reclaim my life! I began to breathe again! 🙌🏽 SMALL VICTORIES ARE STILL VICTORIES! To God Be the glory! The blood of Jesus is carrying me when I can no longer carry myself. I can never be CHRIST (only HE is perfect) but humans can be Christ-like. 🙏🏽 Faith is all I have right now. HE is walking with my family and I. So I breathe knowing that HE is catching my every breath. ~KJM on Serenity Sunday! If you are going through a situational depression, try to start small in reclaiming your life. Make a list and do what you can. Each day, cross off what’s done and be grateful you were able to do it…no matter the size of the task. This is harder to accomplish if you are clinically depressed! Seek professional help! And loved ones please keep an eye on those suffering. I was blessed that I could step outside of myself and recognize what was happening with me but not everyone will be able to. Please check on your strong friends too! Everyone breaks! 🙏🏽
Recently, I have been dealing with being betrayed by people I deeply love. This is occurring on all levels of life…family…friends…etc. I think the hardest part of it is trying to figure out if or when to walk away from it. With family, this is particularly hard. You share blood. What do you even say to someone who has disappointed you so badly that no words can ever describe the pain they have directly or indirectly inflicted upon you? The time is coming soon. I will have to find those words. Exhausted. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. There are times I am too tired to cry. Never did I think in a million years that I would be in this position. It is like someone has stole all of my joy. And I am frozen in a very painful moment. Frozen. That is something the Gemini resents. I am the master of my own destiny. I should be able to free myself of such hurts. Yet not even the thought of traveling in the future can bring me joy. It is like someone burned down my house. And I am standing there…dazed and confused with the ashes. I am left with the awful task of picking up the pieces. And I just do not know how to. Not this time. Not this time. It is a personal hell many of us live in…the hell of putting the ashes back together. First off, you have to decide whether you cut and run or you stay and fight. On all levels, I am unsure. There is a part of me that thinks when you love someone (especially family), if their ship is sinking…you start to play the violin…as if you are both on the titanic. Then there is another part of me that thinks of self preservation. What becomes of the violinist on a sinking ship that does not even try to save herself? Is that not suicide? But a worse kind…for the violinist is dying because of someone else’s mistake. Someone who should have factored in the pain their mistake would cause their family and friends. Self preservation. I yearn for it. On a family level, I am playing the violin (so far). On friends and lover levels…I am jumping in the water…seeking the shore. It has all been too much. They clearly call it betrayal because we do not see it coming. This house was meant to stand. Had no clue the foundation was not solid. No matter what I choose, forgiveness has to be part of the process. But where to begin when I am frozen? Let peace and love move me…no matter the decisions I make. Nothing is clear except that I have, in fact, been betrayed by love. ~KJM on Throwback Thursday. Are any of you at a crossroads? Let me know how you are dealing with it. Be blessed in all you do. 💜
Ugh…just when I thought Spring was officially here (it is almost May), my area got hit with more below freezing temps! This was after two days of being in the 80s!!! 😳 My poor body went into complete shock. One day summer and the very next…winter. Because of the long lasting cold spell…my winter blues have turned into spring blues. The extra sunlight helps but my needing gloves in the morning sends me into a sad mood. I have started to work out a bit on the very bad days. Sunday was one of them. Woke up feeling like I had not accomplished much in life and felt this overwhelming sadness hanging over me. Winter blues are hard to explain if you have never experienced them nor some form of situational depression. It is crippling. It is frustrating! And even when I do some of the things that typically brings me pure joy…I still feel anxious. I have been this way since October! 😳 This is how global warming can affect our lives from many different angles. I am in a never ending (at least it feels that way) winter. Are any of you that suffer from winter blues having similar experiences? Please let me know. Besides exercising and meditation, I keep reminding myself that everything will be okay. I have some heavy family stuff going on that feels like it’s been drowning me since January. Couple that with lots of misunderstandings and unspoken words with the Ex Factor and my need to find a new career…and…well…my cup is just pouring over. I am not checking in on folks as much as I usually do. I AM CHECKING IN ON MYSELF! 🙌🏽 You cannot help anyone if all of your resources are depleted. Please remember that. You must be completely whole (mind, body, and spirit) before you can put that S back on your chest and try to save the world. 🙌🏽 Where is Spring? She is my favorite season. A season of rebirth. A season of hope. Her delay is my delay. And so I push on. Longing for her warmth. Longing to be whole. ~KJM on Charm School Monday.