Happy Hump Day! I know it’s been a while. 2018 is still kicking my ass yet I’m trying to smile through it. Let’s lighten the mood, switch gears, and head to a world I have not visited in a long while…ONLINE DATING! 🤦🏽♀️ Finding love…true love is very difficult and of course online dating makes it even harder. While I have several friends who have had positive experiences online dating….I personally hope to never have to online date again! I always felt like I was one click away from meeting the next up and coming serial killer! 👀🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️ Needless to say…the horror stories out weigh the successes but I digress. Here are some recent complaints I have heard from my female friends online dating. If you are a man and you are exhibiting these behaviors…you are currently an UNDATEABLE! Back the fuck away from the computer and save my sisters in the struggle from meeting one more waste of time guy! 🙌🏽 Here is the latest TALES FROM THE MALE UNDATEABLE CRYPT: 5. MISTER FINANCIALLY UNSTABLE! I recently had a friend go out on three dates with a potential suitor she met online. On the third date, this seemingly normal man revealed that he got evicted from his apartment, just filed for bankruptcy, and is now living with his sister. 👀 Sir, if you cannot afford to keep a roof over your head…you are not in a place to seriously date. Back the fuck away from the computer. You are not a potential life mate in your current state. I am no gold digger but what the fuck am I to do with a man in financial ruins?! What am I to do with a guy who can’t even keep his lights on?! I once met a guy online (during my brief online dating stint while I was living in Richmond) who could not afford to pay his cell phone bill. He was hot spotting our online messages from his sister’s phone! 🤦🏽♀️ This type of guy is not even close to being ready for a life mate. Sir, there are sites for people who just want to fuck…get on one of those. Someone just may throw you a pity fuck but don’t you dare be on a serious dating site stating that you are ready for marriage and children! Tyrone…the kids gonna need a roof and electricity too! ✌🏾✌🏾✌🏾 4. MISTER I AM COMMITTED TO NOT BEING COMMITTED! Now Dan…you know you play too many fucking games. Why you on e-Harmony when you know you should be on Tinder? That’s right…someone should be swiping past you when they see your noncommittal ass online. I wish Ex girlfriends could go online and rate their ex boyfriends like people do when they are rating products or items they bought online. The review would read like…Dan gets a one star…only for being a straight man! ✌🏾 Dan…back the fuck up…mister waste of time. 3. MISTER (I think) SCAMMER! One of my friends recently met a guy (not sure of his real gender) online who claimed to be a doctor. After putting off their first date several times because of work and travels (allegedly), he finally agreed to meet before he traveled out the country. The “guy” started to ask her to purchase online music for him through a prepaid card. He was very persistent about it. Of course, he/she turned out to be a SCAMMER! 🤦🏽♀️ Be careful of the Sam/Samantha scammers out there! ✌🏾 2. MISTER I DON’T WASH MY ASS! Now this is really puzzling to me Ben! Why the fuck are you looking for a wife when you don’t brush your teeth nor wash your ass? 🔪🔪🔪 HYGIENE IS A HUGE PART OF DATING!!! I cannot stress this enough! No one wants to lay up with musty balls! 🤦🏽♀️ 1. MISTER LYING ABOUT HIS LOOKS! The greatest complaint I have heard from my female friends that are online dating is how men post photos of themselves from 15 years ago (when they were skinnier and had more hair)! 👀 While there are many non materialistic women out there….most of us do not like liars. Some women love a big boned bald guy while others don’t. ✋🏾 Lying about anything but especially your looks will only delay the inevitable. She will stop seeing you. So Clarence…honesty is going to be the best policy here. If you build it (an honest foundation that is) they may actually come (and then cum). Feel me?! ~KJM on Hump Day! I am saving all of my strength for the day I’m gonna have to log onto OUR TIME (the 50s and up dating site) and deal with the retired serial killers, viagra mishaps, limp dicks, and ex wives. 🤦🏽♀️ 🤷🏽♀️👀
Archives for November 2018
I will not walk into the darkness unprepared for the battle. I may not win every unforeseen battle but I shall win the war….for my soul will not lie down and wait to be taken…. Seems dramatic right? That is what this season does to me. My Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) has crippled my life in so many ways for the last eight years. I feel it coming….a sadness that washes over me from October to February (though last year it went all the way to the end of April)…and I feel helpless. I warn others that it is coming and I’m told constantly that I have a blessed life (which I know I do) and I just need to cheer up (easier said than done). SAD is more complicated than others think so be kind to anyone you know that experiences it. For many of us, loss of loved ones, childhood traumas around the holidays, or just an unexplainable sadness visits us. We stand frozen …not sure what to do. Many of us will smile and pretend we are okay. Some of us will just succumb to it and stay to ourselves during this difficult season. This year….I am choosing to be proactive about it. Here are some ways I am trying to maneuver myself through SAD. 5. EXERCISING AND WATCHING WHAT I EAT! Diet and exercise affect so much of what we do and how we feel. I know this is a season of stuffing ourselves with our heart’s delight in the form of greasy, fried, salty, and sweet foods but like everything in life…we must try to do it in moderation. A lot of the foods that taste great as we consume them can actually contribute to mood swings and lack of energy. If you couple that with SAD or any form of depression…get ready for massive weight gain! And that never makes anyone feel good! 4. FRIENDS WITH SAD CHECKING IN ON EACH OTHER! My good friend and blog mentor, Toi from ToiTime also suffers from SAD. She has blogged about it many times and has written some great blogs about how to make your SAD manageable. We vowed to check in on each other and to speak our minds freely about anything bothering us. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have someone who understands my seasonal depression and to be able to candidly express my feelings! 🙌🏽 3. STAY AWAY FROM PEOPLE WHO DRAIN YOU! I am currently avoiding anyone who brings negativity into my life and drains my mind, body, and spirit. Hence calling the break with the Ex Factor. He has issues (though I am sure he does not think so) and I have issues. In life but especially during my SAD season…I don’t have time for no ones shit but mine! My plate is full and I do not have time for indecisive people. 🙌🏽 It is okay to say to people…I love you but I got to take care of me! SAY THAT AGAIN! I love you but I got to take care of me! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽 If I am depleted emotionally, physically, and mentally, what good can I be to others?! I know this is harder to do when married and/or with children but you have to try to set boundaries. We are all responsible for our own mental well being and happiness. Thus, I’m avoiding toxic lovers, friends, and family. 2. MASTURBATION! 🤦🏽♀️ Now I know that you are surprised to see this on my list but then again if you have been following this blog for the last three years…you should not be surprised. 🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🙄🤣 I have spent many years not having an orgasm….almost a decade to be exact. Thus, I am long overdue for my sexual release. Thanks to “bullet” aka my mini Shibari vibrator, I can climax in thirty seconds or less anytime I want! 🙌🏽 A climaxing woman is a woman at peace (most times). Thanks bullet! 😉 1. REST AND VITAMIN D3. Get as much rest as you can! This is tough for me because my day job has very demanding hours 6 to 7 days a week but when I do have down time….I take it very seriously. My Sunday’s are often filled with binge watching my favorite shows, naps, and eating good food. Also, since many people suffer from SAD because of the decrease in sunlight during this time of year…my mommy recommends Vitamin D3. She gave me this recommendation for multiple reasons (having to do with our family medical history) but the added benefit that it could also help my SAD made me think it is worth looking into! As always, consult your primary physician before you start taking any supplements and medications! Good luck! ~KJM on Charm School Monday!