For a full 48 hours, I laid in my couch. My body was finally ready for a good night’s (and day’s) sleep this weekend. I listened intensely to my body and never left my apartment not once. It was a peaceful (for the most part) weekend until…I heard from the Ex Factor and his spirit began to irk mine. I think something happens when you know someone for a long time whether you are married to them or not. The excitement is out the window and the passion is dwindling…that is if you both do not put work into it. There he was (hungover) from a weekend with his friends and there I was (relaxing and researching vibrators online). 😳👀 Hey did you know that Amazon sells everything…like everything….even speciality items?! 🤦🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️ I had a choice of over 4,000 vibrators/massagers to choose from. 👀 In the last 8 years, I haven’t owned a vibrator but that’s mainly because I moved home after graduate school and thought my very religious mom would not enjoy finding such things in my room. Prior to the last 8 years, I always owned sex toys. I made it a life’s goal to never leave a man in charge of my orgasms! 😘 Moving down south…it was a must! 🙌🏽 So many celibacy years in the south! 🤦🏽♀️ Hence…why I can only love a New Yorker! 😍 But I digress. When I moved to the DC Metro, speciality shops were everywhere so I always bought my toys and videos in person. As I kept moving further south, I had a collection to make my heart and vagina rejoice! 🙌🏽 Oh boy…those were the days. 😘 But I digress again. I met the Ex Factor 8 years ago, as I was moving back up north. I fell so hard for him…that not having my vibrators was okay. Before we even had sex, he use to just look at me and I would climax! 😳 I am so serious! I have never seen so much cum come out of my body like after a date with him where he only held my hands. 💜 I was never a PDA person before him. And if you recall….I can only fall in true love BEFORE having sex. Sex and love have always been separate for me…thanks to Crazy from college. Crazy could bring on multiples on top of multiples of orgasms (during sex with his penis) but even with being dick whipped…I was NEVER in love with him. 🙌🏽 Had mad love for those orgasms though. 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽 Now back to my current situation. Something set me off about the Ex Factor. Maybe it was his breathing?! Perhaps it’s just another midlife crisis meltdown (mine of course)?! Maybe it is a combination of things. No matter what…laying on this couch was not going to help me. In that moment of frustration, I decided to start working out again, work on better sleeping habits, and to try to eat healthier…along with ordering two vibrators for those times I need some relaxation in my alone time. I cannot stress how important it is to be in charge of your own happiness. The Ex Factor, I think, is trying but what am I doing to make myself a better and more fulfilled person? I can go on and blame everyone and everything around me for my moments of self doubt, insecurities, and frustrations or I can get my ass off my couch and revamp my life (and my orgasms)! 🙌🏽 I am choosing the latter. 💜 One more thing….the food we eat, our sleeping patterns, and how much we exercise all affect how we think and feel. If you find yourself getting upset easily or frustrated for no reason…try improving those areas. If none of that helps, please seek medical attention. We all need help sometimes…getting off the couch. One love💜 ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. Yo…shout out to Amazon! What don’t y’all sell?! 👀 And shout out to the state of New York for always showing me love. 💕 May the orgasms be with you all this week!
Archives for August 2018
Sometimes life just echoes itself. No sooner after writing Saturday’s post (about some adulthood truths) did I find myself in a very uncomfortable conversation with my father. Out of all of the children…my brother, Junior, is the most vocal about his relationship statuses. My sister, Brenda, and I have ALWAYS been more low key about our love lives. As a matter of fact, the only guy my parents knew I dated for sure was Julio and that was ONLY because we met when I was 15 and he was 16. This would be one of my biggest regrets. You see when people know details of your personal life…they mistakenly think they get a vote in how you live it out. This is simply not true. The mind your own fucking business act is always in place. Stay in your own lane and worry about your own relationships. Now if you have not been keeping up with this blog…let me refresh your memory. While I am a Daddy’s girl…Daddy was ONLY good to ME! He had never been kind nor caring to anyone else’s daughter…not even my mother! While I have a very complicated toxic relationship with my mother, I don’t ever allow myself to forget about how much abuse she endured from my father and her parents. 👀 The problem with Mama Michaels is she let that toxicity transfer into her relationships with her children….with my relationship with her being the most damaged. While I love my parents dearly, I’m not blind to see that they are both toxic as fuck to each other and everyone around them! 🙌🏽 That is my life truth as I know it. Because of them, I stopped being a child at the tender age of 5! 👀 After witnessing and now understanding what domestic violence means, I told the nuns at my school that I was never getting married nor having children! That was 32 fucking years ago and I have kept my promise! 😳 Yes, once again, I was only 5 years old. 🤦🏽♀️ So it is no wonder there is very little I want to adapt from their marriage and their parenting. Throw the whole damn thing away! ✌🏾My siblings and I can and will do better by the Grace of God! 🙏🏽 Now that we have some background history, let’s go back to the present mess. My Dad was telling me he may go on a road trip with friends to Disney and I said I would love to take an ADULT ONLY Disney trip with my friends. He started questioning why I do not take vacations with the Ex Factor! 😳🙄 I asked him if in the entire 37 years that he has known me and in my extensive dating life…did he not know me to be a loner?! I mean I’ve had friendships for over 20 years and I still don’t bring my friends to family events. Majority of my friends live in different states and countries (like 99% of them) so my fucking vacations are for ME and THEM! ✌🏾 And I am dead ass about that. I cannot tell you how many couples I see fighting while I’m on vacation! I witnessed a particularly embarrassing public argument between a young married couple at the pool when I was in Hawaii. The husband kept yelling “you don’t think I fucking take good care of you?!” 🤦🏽♀️ Child….if that ain’t Jesus asking…I don’t plan on ever having to answer (especially publicly) such a ludicrous and distasteful question! 🔪🔪🔪 Not sure why his balls were hanging so low that day! ✌🏾 My vacations alone or with my friends are everything! 🙌🏽 I am almost positive the Ex Factor feels the same about his friends. The first mistake I made in this conversation with my father was ever addressing it! The second was listening to the bull shit he spat about how I have to change my ways!!!! He said that even if my relationship isn’t that serious…I should be going on vacations with “dates.” ✌🏾 I told him I don’t got to fuck at every port I arrive at like he does! 🙌🏽 And that is not because of my love for the Ex Factor! It is because of my love and respect for my fucking self!!! Plus I reminded him that even though men cheat more….most men are horrible in bed no matter the age! Most of these dudes getting fucked for money, pension plans, shopping sprees, or just as a plain old pass time like baseball use to be to America. 🙌🏽 Mistresses are out there to use a motherfucker! They taking the ragged cheating dicks because they got bills to pay. Morale of the story…don’t get hyped about new pussy. It almost always comes with a price! 🙌🏽 After I laid into his ass, my father had the nerve to hit me with…”I got it….I don’t have to save for a wedding for Kingston!” 🙄 That is when I felt tears well up in my throat. Let me get this fucking straight?! He taught me how to be free thinking and independent yet when I exercise that right my entire fucking life…my life is nothing without a man to go on vacations with?!! Get the fuck out of here?! Daddy proceeded (like some of my single male friends have before) to tell me that I’m exactly the type of woman he would never date!!! Oh really?! You mean the type a bitch that won’t let a man beat or cheat on her? The type of bitch that got her own? The type of bitch that feels love is a choice and not a fucking necessity?! The type of bitch that works hard? The type of bitch that can be in a boardroom with 20 penises and not be interested in fucking one?! Yea I am the bitch. 🙌🏽 And you helped create her. Now stay in your fucking lane and proceed with caution because my personal life is exactly that…MINE! ~KJM is heated on Charm School Monday! Long live the feminists! And even if you aren’t one…long live men not being a god damn necessity but a bad choice many of us make over and over again.👀 I may not be the best at relationships but I pack light and I am always ready and willing to leave the port and set sail on a new adventure without a man! 🙌🏽 Same OG since I was 5! Only God can work on me…if HE sees the need to. 😇
Sometimes it pours out of me…this feeling of having so much to say…and other times I feel it but I cannot write it. Blogging is still a passion of mine…we are just going through a rough patch. Perhaps I’m in the throes of my 80th midlife crisis or maybe I am just trying to get myself centered again. Today it is pouring out of me. Here are some truths (as I know it) that I wish I had known before becoming an adult. 11. OUR WEIGHT WILL FLUCTUATE OFTEN! Whether you had children or not…your weight will fluctuate often…even in times when you think you have it under control. I have had my pouch since my 30th Birthday! 🙄 I feel like it mysteriously appeared on the exact day! 🤦🏽♀️ 10. MOST OF US HAVE ISSUES WITH ONE OR BOTH OF OUR PARENTS! Childhood scars stay with us our entire lives. They will be battle wounds that will get reopened when triggered in every relationship we have as adults. Very few people are blessed to have a childhood that they felt was close to perfect. 9. WE WILL LOSE FRIENDS! In our journey into adulthood, we will lose or outgrow many of our friends. Sometimes to death but mostly to family life. They will go off to the island of marriage and children and forget to write.🤦🏽♀️ And we will mourn the good ones. I think I struggle with this the most right now. If I did not have Harmony and a few other friends to hang with…I would be a lone female wolf. 🙄 8. MOST FOLKS WILL REGRET NOT VALUING FRIENDSHIPS! I don’t care what anyone says…friendships are so important! They take you through school, marriages, divorces, parenting, career woes, and the ups and downs of life. You cannot rely on just your spouse (and definitely should not rely on your children) to ride out the waves of life. 7. YOU WILL ALWAYS FEEL UNDER PAID! Generally the older we get, the more we learn our worth. That means even our crappy careers that over a decade or two ago we were so happy to be a part of….will now feel like legal servitude. Sometimes I feel like I am being paid a dollar a day to put tiny buttons on shirts in an overheated dungeon! 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️ Ugh, unless you have your own business and/or are living out a life long career path…we will all get that sweatshop feeling sooner or later. 👀 6. LOVE WILL NEVER BE EASY! Who in the hell makes up shit like “when it is right it feels easy?” Yea ok….when is building a life with someone easy? When is giving up certain freedoms, living spaces, dreams, careers, and sometimes our sense of identity easy? Fuck out of here! Love is work and work is hard! Anything you want out of life that’s worth having will require serious blood, sweat, and tears! 5. WE ALL SETTLE! I have a theory that most folks are not “happy” (whatever the fuck that means) in their personal lives. Whether it’s upfront or many years later…99% of us will come to the realization that we settled on some level with whom we chose as our ending destinations. Some folks will never choose a final destination and will set up at several ports before jumping back on their ships again. This is still a version of settling. These folks decided to settle on new adventures instead of ever investing in one. They never even took the plunge. In essence, they settled on playing it safe. 🙄 This may be me if I’m not careful. 4. MOST MEN ARE NOT FEMINISTS! No matter how liberal you think your man is…deep down inside he still carries some sexist views. Don’t believe me sis? Start making more money than him and you will probably see an entire different version of the man you thought you knew! 👀 It is rare to bump into a man that truly believes in the equality of women. 🙌🏽 3. WOMEN HAVE HIGHER SEX DRIVES! Science has proven that as women age…their sex drives increase while most men’s decreases. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule. What somebody left out is some of us will have a higher sex drive than men in all stages of life! Besides Crazy (definitely) and maybe Phoenix (where my sex drive matched theirs for the most part)….my sex drive has been higher than every guy I have dated no matter his age. 😳👀 While it seems that men cheat more…they are cheating with raggedy dicks…which don’t operate forever like our firmly tightened vaginas. 🙌🏽 Child, why didn’t somebody warn me?! Now maybe part of my sex drive is genetic as I know BOTH of my parents have a very high sex drive (oh the trauma from my childhood bedroom being above theirs 😩🙄). Soon if I am not careful…I am going to have to go back to fucking just turned 20 year old guys! 😩🤦🏽♀️ Bad sex and low sex drives are high on my dealbreaker list whereas most women put up with it in the name of love. 🙄 I think that’s called marriage! 👀 FOH! 2. WE WILL ALL QUESTION OUR SELF WORTH AND OUR SELF ESTEEMS! If women like the late great Maya Angelou suffered from low self esteem (see her book called “The Heart Of A Woman”) and women like JLo and Halle Berry have suffered too…then what hope do those of us with less wisdom, less money, and less beauty have? Child….no matter how high you think of yourself…there are going to be many times in life that you will question your own worth! From careers to personal lives and even in friendships…self esteem will be a reoccurring theme. Good time to say…at some point we all accept shit in life and there will be times when we are accepting shit and it is NOT because of low self esteem!!!! Whew! 🙌🏽 Sometimes we are being patient with people or trying hard not to give up on them because we are strong enough to survive their mess! 🙌🏽 I wish somebody would have told me that…let’s say just as I began dating! 🤦🏽♀️ 1. HAPPINESS AND THE 1%! Back to that word “happiness.” Happiness, to me, means making the best out of the shit you found yourself in and always making sure to put yourself first especially when the odds are stacked against you! 🙌🏽 As for ones love life, I truly believe that much like Billionaires are like 1% of the world’s population…only 1% of couples truly end up with a partner that was perfect for them! 💜 The other 99% of us are fucked! 🤦🏽♀️ Now of course, I don’t have those numbers down to a science but my life experiences directly and indirectly tells me that most of us marry or end up with just the wrong damn person for a whole host of reasons! The difference between divorcing now versus divorcing 20 years later? Just depends on how long it takes you to take a long hard look at your life! 🤷🏽♀️ I know I may sound like a cynic but to be honest….everyday I pray I am part of that 1% that is rich in true and everlasting love! 🙏🏾 Until then, I’m just chilling…trying not to dock permanently at any man’s port. 🤦🏽♀️ ~KJM on Serenity Saturday. What are some of your life truths?
I have been off of work for two weeks. This is the most time I have accidentally or purposely had off in years! 😳 The first week, I was in Kona, Hawaii and the second week, I was home in New Jersey. Week 1 (in Hawaii), I felt like I reset my whole life and understood and appreciated it’s direction (or lack there of). Maybe it was the Pacific Ocean but this oneness came over me. About 3 hours after arriving in Jersey, I began to unravel! The Ex Factor accidentally upset me by coming over as soon as my plane landed. My plans were to stay in my solo bubble for the weekend since I was still on my Hawaii self exploration high but I made room for the Ex Factor because I love him. Also, because we had not seen each other in like two weeks. Unbeknownst to me or him, the time he spent with me was not enough. 🤦🏽♀️ Now I am really funny about my space. After a short time at my place, I typically want everyone out! Family, friends, booty calls, and lovers must get the fuck out so I can enjoy my ME time!!!🙌🏽 My entire grown up life, I have been like this! There is not a person I have ever asked to stay longer…I guess except the Ex Factor. 🙄🤦🏽♀️ Great! Mister emotionally unavailable is the one I cannot get enough of! 🤷🏽♀️ After he left, I got sad and then I bursted out into tears out of nowhere! 👀 Now I am not a cryer and worst of it all I did not know I was going to cry! 🤦🏽♀️ There I was…this strong independent woman who had journeyed to the Pacific on her own…and in just a matter of minutes in his arms…I turned into this insecure woman still asking a man to love me! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! 🤦🏽♀️✌🏾🤦🏽♀️ Because I had no healthy love role models growing up (forget about my parents! They are lucky they weren’t on the show “The First 48!”), I had no outlet to maturely work out my feelings. So few hours later I sent the Ex Factor two emotional text messages in which he replied with apologies! But how can he apologize for a need I did not express to him. 🤦🏽♀️ Better question….why the fuck isn’t he a mind reader?! 👀😩 When he was leaving my place, I knew he had plans with his family. For him, doing the 40 minute drive each way and seeing me was better than not seeing me. For me, I needed an extra hour to lay in his arms! I’m such a fucking girl! 🤮🤮🤮 Now I am in my feelings and no “Kiki-ing” (Drake song reference here) was going to help! 😩 So I did the respectable thing and cussed him out Monday morning because now he got me in my feelings! 🙄 He took it like a G! That’s one of the things I love about him….he will calmly reply to whatever mess I send him 99% of the time. The Ex Factor’s patience and ability to stay calm are two of the things I love/hate about him because of course sometimes it comes across as he just don’t give a fuck but I think if that were true he would never reply to my mess! 🙄 Anywhos, and so the week rolls on and I began to unravel more but only this time…professionally! I don’t know what it is but I hate staying at home! On vacation, I don’t stress but when I’m home (worse when I lived with my mama), I get depressed easily…even if the purpose of being home is to relax. After the third day home, I start to lose it! This is how I know I can never be a stay at home wife nor mom! Shortie needs to work and know she can take care of herself! 🙌🏽 The professional unraveling sent me to a New Jersey beach where the Atlantic DID NOT have the same calming effect on me as the Pacific did! So there I am becoming completely undone on ALL levels! Damn Blood Moon mixed with a Full Moon! 🙄 I can’t remember exactly but the moon did some funny shit the Friday I was traveling from Hawaii to NJ! And it showed because all my flights were complete shit shows! Nightmare on Elm Street part 55 and then I arrive home and I’m a fucking mess! Screw you moon! ✌🏾 Anyways, now we are here. In the present and I just awoke (on this Serenity Saturday morning) from a bad dream! In my dream, I married a successful man from a conservative culture. I won’t say which one for fear of offending someone but it’s one of those cultures where women don’t get a voice. We have one daughter and she’s beautiful. Looks to be around 8-10 years old. Going to come back to the significance of my daughter in a minute. My conservative husband and I are out with friends at a very expensive restaurant. We are all dressed up…even my daughter. The only person I recognize is one of my male friends who is also in this conservative culture…only he is not with his current wife (who is not of the culture) but now with his second wife 👀 who is deeply engrained in the culture…so deeply I don’t remember her saying a word during dinner…only smiling! 😳 Flash forward, my husband is very sexually happy with me….from the one sex scene I see….I’m looking somewhere else and hoping he gets done soon. Also, I’m on birth control pretending to try to have another baby. Clearly I’m hiding the fact that I’m on birth control and I clearly don’t want more children! This signals to me that I AM UNHAPPY and NOT IN LOVE WITH MY CONSERVATIVE HUSBAND! Wait for it… In real life, if you see me with no children or a bunch whether I’m married or not to my long term partner…there’s a great chance I am happy. However, if you see me married with one child…I settled in life. You see I always negotiate a one child package when I’m settling with a guy I am not really into but he looks good on paper. I am offering him only one egg (if he can find it). 😳 That is a part of my settling package. 🤦🏽♀️ Now I know what you are thinking…what if I only have one child with the love of my life in the future? How will you know if I settled? Simple…if we had fertility issues I would most likely be honest about it and you would know I’m happy, we tried, and this is what God gave us. I’m guessing we would either adopt more children or get a bunch of dogs to make up for the other children we couldn’t have. That is…if I was in love. So my daughter in my dream signifies so much about where I am in my dream life! This is my NIGHTMARE! My fucking nightmare! And what does it all mean? Who fucking knows?! Maybe the moon isn’t done with me? 😩 And so I’m undone again and in need of a reset. ~KJM on Serenity Saturday. 💜