Now the last time I touched this topic I got my ass handed to me. Read my Mommy Brain blog for reference. 😩🙄 I lost three friends because of that blog. Lol. Oh well, here at Kingston Expressions, I don’t stray away from tough topics about my life so I don’t see why I can’t get some of you inconsiderate parents RIGHT. Yea…you read that right. There is a large group of you that thinks the sun rises and sets on your asses with no consideration for others. Parenting is a very tough job but it doesn’t give you a pass on being an ass. Lately, I have been hearing some of the same complaints from my friends who do not have children about the crazy things parents have the nerve to say to them. Here are a few things a parent should never utter to a person without children: 5. WAIT UNTIL YOU HAVE ONE! Everyone always assumes I want children! Even people who grew up with me and know how I feel about this topic will slip up and say this mess. Unless a woman tells you she wants children….do not assume so! ✌🏾Fall back and wait for her to tell you how she feels about possibly being a mom. And do realize that she is also entitled to change her mind on motherhood (hopefully before entering into it)! 🙌🏽 Contrary to popular belief, some women do not have a maternal bone in their body…especially after having children! 😳 I know so many folks who should have just skipped the process all together but had children to keep a man who ended up leaving anyways! 🤦🏽♀️ 4. YOU SHOULD AT LEAST HAVE ONE! Ugh! I get this one so much! Why should I at least have one child? To make you…who is not raising my child…happy?! Or is it a misery loves company thing?! Is this China….is there a one child rule?! The conversations between my uterus and I are strictly private! We did not invite you in so exit stage left! 🙌🏽 This advice is thoughtless and insensitive for so many reasons but mainly because it’s an attack on any woman who does not buy into the idea that women are only on this earth for baring fruit!✌🏾 I will reproduce if or when I feel like. Not to mention some of you parents may be saying this to people who may have been secretly trying to have children but so far have been unsuccessful! 🤦🏽♀️ 3. PEOPLE WHO DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN CANNOT BE TIRED! I heard someone say this the other day and I was so close to slapping the piss out of them. I get that raising children is no joke but folks married to their careers like doctors, lawyers, military etc. work crazy hours…sometimes seven days a week. Their lifestyles (children or not) are demanding. When I’m at my busiest, I’m running an 18 hour day! You do know there is only 24 hours in a day?! Parents do not have the market of exhaustion on lock down. People without children can be tired and rightfully so. There are some childless folks who are caretakers for disabled parents. We all need to be more considerate of each other. Parenting is a choice! You know how I know that parenting is a choice?! We fight everyday in this country for a woman’s right to choose! If you chose life, props to you but you don’t deserve a reward….you deserve support…just like your childless Veterinarian friend who is underpaid and at great risk of being suicidal! 😳 I just read an article about the high rise in Veterinarian suicides! Lawd have mercy! You never know what load a person is carrying around…so parents be kind and do not refer to other’s lives as being easier than yours because they don’t have children. Some people’s lives are painful and difficult because they can’t have children. 😐 2. CHILDREN ARE A BLESSING? Um…to whom ma’am? Every person will see becoming a parent in a different way. There are many good parents out there that may not share your views because of the road they had to walk in parenthood. Point blank this statement can be offensive to the childless and to other parents. For the childless, this statement is secretly reiterating that some of us may regret not trying to have children. And are we less blessed if we don’t have children?! 😳😩 1. GIVE HIM/HER A BABY NOW! I have heard this advice being given to the marrieds that are childless and to the childless singles too! I, myself, get it all the damn time! The Ex Factor has very impressive genes 😍 so folks are always like you two would have a beautiful baby. They must want this typically mild mannered man to come burn down my house! 😳🙄😩 It should be very obvious why this is bad advice for childless singles but I think people miss the boat when speaking with childless marrieds! It is not up to anyone but that husband and wife on when is the right time for them to begin a family! The rest is simply none of our business. Accidentally getting pregnant can put a strain on couples but so is popping up pregnant and rushing the timeline you and your spouse set to start a family. Outsiders have no business in our wombs. We have a right to choose if we want children and when to have them! ~KJM on Flashback Friday! Mind your own womb and nobody will get offended. Childless people have feelings to!
Archives for March 2018
It is the second day of Spring and we still have so much work to do. Before one can begin Spring Cleaning, they have to be willing to unpack all their emotional stuff. Time to unpack some of my emotional mess. October 2012. I have discussed this issue at length since starting this blog yet it still haunts me. The Ex Factor and I had been dating for a little over two years and suddenly things felt off. He was always busy and had very little time for me. The Ex Factor was starting to break little promises to me. Then came the day I took him to dinner and sat him down. Being that I am 8.5 years older than him, I have always been told by similarly situated couples that there will be a day that he will need a break. The advice was to give him that break…and I was prepared to…with the truth in hand. During that dinner, I asked him repeatedly if he was seeing someone else and he repeatedly said no but EVERY HAIR ON THE BACK OF MY NECK STOOD UP. My body was telling me that I was being lied to by the man I love. I continued to press him for another two months as I began to create my escape plan. You see…I did not want to stay with a liar. The day after Christmas I completely cut him off without warning. After that things escalated quickly! Some concrete evidence surfaced that there was a new woman in his life but this I already knew because my instinct told me so. In the beginning (because neither of us ever thought we would know each other for so long), we promised to let each other know if we met someone else we wanted to explore with. Phoenix was never anyone I wanted so he was not worth mentioning. And the Ex Factor must have thought she wasn’t worth mentioning either. Six years later and he has yet to mention her. That lie cost him two years. I left him for two years though he never really left my life. I went through so much during those two years of separation. Almost lost my life in Georgia with Mister Toss Salad and then relocated to Richmond, VA for the rest of the time. I lost so much time in my career by relocating to VA. Many of my colleagues in New York have advanced while I’m still stuck. I live with the feeling of being left behind professionally and personally. I lost and gained so much during those two years and at the end of it, we reconciled…yet never becoming what we once were nor becoming better versions of ourselves. STUCK! I had to have forgiven him at some point but it’s the forgetting that’s been hard. I love with caution now and I brace myself for the day he may lie again. He said he never slept with her and I believe him but what he forgets is that when a woman loves a man…where his heart and his emotions go are her main concern. Not saying that I endorse cheating (not at all) but what pushed me off the deep end was the thought that he may be falling in love with her. To any man reading this…a woman who truly loves you will survive a million ugly truths before she could stomach one lie. The Ex Factor and I have talked about this incident a million times over the last five years. He said he never lied but I will always feel differently about it. That lie knocked him off the pedestal I put him on and all the pain that emerged from it has held ME captive. Since we have discussed this topic to the point of exhaustion…the relief I seek….the unpacking I need…cannot come from the Ex Factor. 🙌🏽 He is not frozen in time from it. He does not relive it over and over. He does not go to bed at night with it. I DO. So how do I unpack it once and for all and let it go? The Ex Factor cannot free me from my enslavement…only I can. That’s the thing about Spring Cleaning…we are cleaning up our messes and letting go of what no longer serves us in a positive way. 🙌🏽 I recently read a meme that said many of us are addicted to our suffering. There may just be some truth in those words because if I let go of my familiar suffering…I could love again freely and openly. I could trust again. But if I hold on to it…it can shield me from any future pain….AND any future love for that matter. The suffering stays with me whether I’m with the Ex Factor or not. He created it but it is my mess because I chose to hold on to it! 🙌🏽 And no….a new love cannot fix old suffering because that’s like moving somebody into a messy fully furnished apartment (one of a hoarder) and hoping they can clean it up in a day and make it brand new! IT IS MY MESS! Only I have the power to unpack it. ~KJM changing the mood on Hump Day by doing a little less humping and a little more unpacking. 💜
Tomorrow is the start of Spring and there is no better time for this Charm School Monday lesson! IT IS TIME FOR SPRING CLEANING and I’m not referring just to your old clothes and shoes. There is work to be done to move forward and we are going to do it! 🙌🏽 Ladies and gentlemen, did you know that there are certain places one should not go…and certain spaces one should not occupy?! 🙌🏽 Let that sink in for a moment. Often times, we know when it is time for a lover to go but we let the bad family and the bad friends slip through our fingers! 😳😩 Now I cannot tell you who should go nor who should stay in your life. That is simply your choice. My only goal is to give you some tools for when your season of Spring Cleaning has arrived. Bad family is a little more difficult to tackle so today let’s focus on bad friends. There were friends I had since childhood that I never thought I would ever have to let go of. I remember one particular group that I always loved to party and go on vacations with. Most of our friendship, we had never had a single argument but then one day one ensued and it was the collapse of four friendships. I did not see it coming yet (to my surprise) I did not bat an eye. The argument was petty and “men” jumped into a what was essentially a female argument 🙄…which is a huge pet peeve of mine. Let the women argue. No man should be following up women like that but it happened and it escalated quickly. I cussed them out and blocked every damn one of them and just like that 16 and 17 years of friendships went down the drain! POOF! BE GONE! Or was it really like that? Had there been little signs along the way that these people were not my true friends and really only my college party associates still hanging on? YES! There were signs. I spent four years after graduating from graduate school in financial ruins (because I could not find a decent job during the height of the recession), my family life had fallen apart, and my personal life was a mess. My so called friends only lived two hours away from me but never ask to see me unless they were scheduling a vacation. And only one of them had children!!!! This is actually a good time to say this…BEING A PARENT AND/OR BEING MARRIED ARE NOT GOOD REASONS TO BE A BAD FRIEND! Yes your priorities have shifted but so have all of ours! Who the hell do you think had your back when you were transitioning into your new life?! Your true friends did! How dare you shit on us when you have so called evolved?! You know what…I’m just going to leave that right there and let that sink it to whom it should! 🙌🏽 Back to possible signs of friends that must go! There are some folks out there flying high under the name of “best friend” but are really your best enemy! 🙌🏽 If they are insecure, jealous, liars, or only keep you close because they want to hear the nasty details of your life and judge you afterwards…let them go! There is nothing best about them. If you cannot step to me with real friend problems and you are talking about me behind my back…you are no friend of mine! If I cannot believe one word you say…you are no friend of mine. If you think I want every and anything you have (including your tired ass man) you are no friend of mine! I don’t roll that way. If you see me fall and you are helping to push me down…you are not my friend. If you cannot look me in my face and state any grievance you have with me…you are as fake as they come. You see…with friends like these…you don’t need enemies! Yes ladies and gentlemen, clear these fools out of your spaces and places. Not everyone is meant to go to the next level with you! 🙌🏽 One last thing, if you are not totally ready to do Spring Cleaning on these “sometimish” friends, do me one favor…do not allow them in your circle of trust!!! Keep them on the outside and continue your life! You owe no one any explanations. ~KJM is gearing up for Spring Cleaning on this Charm School Monday. Be wise about who you share your hopes, dreams, fears, and life with. The folks that know you best know how to hurt you. “Guard your heart” is not just a saying for lovers. Protect your peace. It is worth it.
It crept up on me like a bad dream after nights of having glorious dreams. I did everything “right” in my life…yet 9 years ago this feeling began to drown me…and I could not swim. No life vest either. Just drowning in the feeling of not arriving…not living to my life’s full potential. As a result, I hid in the shame of feeling like I’m not where I want to be in life and the realization that I may never get there. I spent my life focused on education and career yet I have a mediocre job (God bless it though). I’m still dealing with the guilt of not wanting to biologically have children. Yes guilt! Society will always find a way to make a woman feel guilty about skipping motherhood. The Ex Factor is my exception. There is no place I would not travel to with him…scared or not…I would take that journey but only if he was ready and willing to do it with me. I know I can raise children (I have already helped my parents do so) and financially I’m okay though I think that no amount of money is enough to raise children. Yet still the guilt of not wanting children just for myself stays with me. I don’t think it is wrong to say that I would only go on that journey with a man I love but society thinks my clock should be ticking no matter what and I should just find any man who will marry me and build my family with him. Yikes! Children need stability and security. None of that can ever be guaranteed because circumstances can change but we should aim for it. A stable and secure marriage/long term relationship is healthy for my children so that’s why there is no family without the Ex Factor. I have never made that choice for anyone so I’m not sure why others want to make that choice for me. “You will have regrets,” they say. I highly doubt that…yet still the guilt haunts me. Never having checked up on my reproductive system, I have not clue what shape it is in. I know so many women struggling to have a baby and I killed my own fertility without trying. That is the guilt I live with but I cannot be out there reproducing because others may not be able to….that’s just fucking silly. And if I change my mind somewhere down the line…that is my choice too! So here I am at 36 years old…”Ms. Did Everything Right”…yet I have not arrived in my career nor my personal life! 😳🙄😩 From the outside, it probably looks like I have more than arrived minus the baby thing. Within me though, I feel like I am not where I should be and I know I am not the only one. My faith tells me that no matter what decisions I make, I will end up exactly where God wanted me to be for IT IS WRITTEN! 🙏🏽 My heart knows this but my mind plays tricks on me. It is these tricks that I lay with at night…wondering where I made a wrong turn. 😩But what if I told you that there is no such thing as a wrong turn? Every hardship and every victory has placed us exactly where we are suppose to be! 🙌🏽 I know it is hard to accept but who we are and who we are to become are shaped by our trials AND tribulations. There is no victory without failure. There is no wasted time. If you felt you stayed somewhere too long…guess what? You were suppose to. If you look back on the “roads traveled” (paraphrasing Robert Frost here) and thought you chose the wrong path…you did not! You made the choice you were suppose to and there are always consequences to our actions. Bad things do not always happen because we deserve it. They can occur to shape us, break us, and rebuild us! What if I told you that you have arrived and your journey is not over as long as you are still breathing?! That is right. YOU, MY DEAR, HAVE ARRIVED! 🙌🏽 Revel in your arrival and never question it. Miles to go before we can sleep and that is just the way our Higher Power designed it to be. Be content in who you are and stay confident that you will be who you are destined to be. For IT IS WRITTEN! 🙏🏽 Sleep well knowing that. It is already written and you have already arrived! Cherish that blessing and go forth positively everyday! 🙌🏽 ~KJM on Throwback Thursday! I hope this helps someone out there. Wehave arrived. 💜
Boom! There is always this big loud almost violent climax that comes from a man reaching his desired sexual peak. In general, I love the female body because when we reach that point of ecstasy, we can climax over and over. Our bodies do not have to stop! 🙌🏽😍 Of course, no good deed goes unpunished. While the limits of our orgasms are endless and plentiful…we are not always guaranteed one. The female body is a very complex one. Decades and decades of science still cannot figure out everything the female body is capable of doing. We will always have hidden sexual secrets that no one man will ever fully know. Each sexual partner may tap into one aspect of it but she never unleashes all her sexual pleasures to just one man…for she is not even aware of all that her mysterious beautiful body can accomplish. 😘 Women are forever a mystery! 🙌🏽 This is why it takes serious work to please us…in any facet of life…not just sexually! 🤣 Even with all the love I have for the female body, I cannot help but find myself jealous of the simplicity of the male orgasm! 🙄 He is almost always guaranteed to bust a nut while millions of women haven’t ever experienced a real orgasm or have not had one in at least a decade! 😩 The good news here is that sex can never hold us….unless he is one of the few male sexual adventurers that have hoed around enough AND actually learned something valuable about the female body that he can at least deliver a reoccurring type of female orgasm. This is a rare breed indeed. 😩 Usually the center of the thought process of a male hoe is to just get his from any and everywhere. 😳🙄😩 But I digress. The simplicity of the male orgasm. This is where we are at. Out of all my men, the Ex Factor is the most expressive during sex. He never use to be but with time comes trust. Trust to share what he is thinking during the act. Trust to share that he is focused on pleasing me. TRUST. 💜 I have to admit that I get absolutely turned on as I watch all his expressions right as he is going to climax. I am in control for once and he is submitting to me. I thrive off that shit. 🙌🏽 The Ex Factor has gone from being very quiet with his requests for his desires to very firmly open and expressive about what he loves about my sex. It is the most turned on I have ever been…watching him climax. Typically with my other partners, I get frustrated that they are getting theirs and I haven’t even began to get mine. Exclude Crazy from college from this category. He falls into that rare breed of male hoes sexually educated on the female body. 🙌🏽 But the Ex Factor also falls into a rare category. I actually aim to please him and the more he tries to please me is the more I want to please him. We have been sleeping together for almost 8 years now and during such a long sexual escapade…every couple will have ups and downs in the bedroom but the desire to please one another should still always be there. That should never go away. So I watch him. He is gripping the bed…trying his best not to succumb to my nasty advances but then he does.😍 And I am mind blown of how his expressions change drastically in those moments of climax. My complex body is intrigued by the simplicity of his peak. I plant kisses all over his body and then I write (with my fingers) I love you…all over his back. I am intrigued by the almost certain guarantee of his orgasm. His orgasm. If we women were always guaranteed to climax as the men are…I wonder if we would openly hoe the way many of them do? Intrigued. Very much so. At the end of it all, if he is not convulsing at the mouth…then I have not done my job. 🙌🏽 ~KJM is envious of the male orgasm while acknowledging that pussy will always run the world…no matter what the dicks claim. Happy Hump Day! Hump often and safely😘 Shout out to the women who can climax every time! I envy you ladies too! 😍
Happy Charm School Monday! Before I begin, I want to stress a few things. First, today’s blog is not for people who suffer from depression and chronic anxiety. Please seek professional help if you do have these medical conditions! Second, I am not a psychologist so everything I’m writing today is just my opinion…more like my analysis of my own life. Lastly, my personal experiences may not be yours. With all that being said…let’s jump into today’s topic! Last night, a friend of mine posted a YouTube clip of a guy (will post link at the end of the blog) talking about anxiety in a way I never did. He said that we have blindspots and sometimes our anxiety is protecting us from things that can hurt us. ANXIETY MAY BRING SAFETY! For years, there’s one task that every time I try to do it…my anxiety acts up and I abort the mission. My mind tells me the mission has to be right but my body reacts severely to that notion. At first I thought…I’m just not strong enough to do what I need to do and would get frustrated at myself. Why am I not stronger? That’s what I would keep asking myself as I cried all night. I never saw anxiety as a sign of possible strength (once again this is referring to being anxious in an isolated situation not life itself). It was always a sign of weakness for me. Then my shame and embarrassment would set in. It never occurred to me that my anxiety may be protecting me from harm (hidden in a blind spot) that even my overactive mind could not foresee! 🙌🏽 What a freeing thought! I am not weak. I am human and I’ve been battling this issue for so long. Maybe it’s time to stop beating myself up about things I cannot control. This step…I am not ready for or it may really not be the right thing to do…my anxiety tells me so because when something’s right…no matter how hard it is to do…we lay at peace knowing it’s right for us. And I just don’t know that for sure. I only know what my prideful mind tells me…. The YouTube guy did point out that while our anxiety may be keeping us safe…we cannot thrive in life this way. We stay SAFE but STUCK! 🙌🏽 Stuck is actually the word I use when I describe the situation to friends. Trapped. Stuck in place. This is not the safety I desire. I desire a safe and secure love that makes me feel unstuck. A love that makes me feel…FREE! ~KJM on Charm School Monday. Here’s the link to the YouTube clip I was referring to: https://www.facebook.com/mastinkipp/videos/1716030051795514/
There is a quiet storm brewing that no one really directly talks about (positively that is)…the struggles of being a strong woman in relationships. The Lioness, Harmony, and myself all have these struggles in common but deal with them quite differently. Lioness is this powerful and intelligent beauty who isolates herself from love. Harmony is powerhouse of beauty and strength. She can embrace love but still won’t succumb to it. I am somewhere in between the two. Some days I silence my strength….not for the sake of compromise…but from pure exhaustion. You see men are taught to focus on themselves at all times and are celebrated for it…but as openly strong and independent women…we defy societal norms by being comfortable with our strengths. What makes a strong woman? So many things. Strength in each woman varies but the Alpha female flexes that strength…not out of bragging rights but out of survival! 🙌🏽 Many of us learned to be strong in areas our mothers were weak. Some of us were exposed to violent upbringings and vowed to never let that be us. WE SHALL NOT DEPEND ON A MAN FOR SHIT…even if he fathers our children. We trust no one but ourselves…though Harmony and I are Daddy’s girls so we make exceptions for Daddy. However, I know first hand where Daddy fell short in his personal life and have taken notes. I trust Papa Michael’s to have my back because as Daddy he has excelled (to me). But do I want to be married to a man like my father? NO! Papa Michael’s has some wonderful parenting traits (though he is not perfect) but as a spouse…well he probably should have skipped that role. But back to the struggles of the Alpha female in relationships. Out of survival, we take notes, try not to fall hopelessly in love and lose ourselves, and battle the feelings of submission that come so naturally to most women. We are afraid of giving up our independence to a man that we are essentially expecting to fail us. Ouch. This feeling isolated Lioness. If she doesn’t let someone in then she can never get hurt again. This feeling crowds Harmony. She can be in a crowd of men and still be an army of ONE. This feeling drains me. Half of the time I am trying to make the Ex Factor feel needed while loving myself more and making sure no matter what…that I am still my first priority. No matter what category you may fall in (even if it is one that’s different than Harmony, Lioness, and myself), being a strong woman who must openly be strong for everyone around them is frustrating! Society is trying to tell us that we are behaving too much like men but we aren’t! We are women and this is our true nature. A rare breed indeed but this is who we are. The Alpha female wants to emasculate no man. We just don’t want to lose our identities, our last names, nor our souls in the spirit of keeping a man! 😳🙄 But best believe we are women and so the turmoil continues. How do we find a balance? Hiding our strengths is not an option! But isolating ourselves, whether it is in body or spirit, is a disservice to love, to the world, and ourselves. We have so much to offer! Strong women just make sure that they offer themselves the biggest piece of what they have for they know that they are no good to anyone if their resources are depleted. Yet the world judges us and accuses of us of destroying the family. We deny such claims…especially strong black women! We keep the community, the businesses, and the families going even in the absence of husbands and fathers. We singlehandedly do that by the grace of God and we will never apologize for it! 🙌🏽 Perhaps society is wrong and the issue is not with us? Perhaps stronger men need to be raised? Ones that don’t abandon love and/or their families. Men strong enough to provide yet lend a caring hand. Men strong enough to feel love without fear. Perhaps… Yet we strong women are left with the baggage of feeling ashamed for having the strength to be there for ourselves and others. Strength means different things to different women but all strong women deserve to be loved for exactly who they are without dimming their lights. 💜~KJM on Throwback Thursday. Shout out to Lioness and Harmony. I would feel all alone in these struggles if you ladies didn’t openly discuss your own withme. 💕