Happy Halloween Everyone! I hope you all were able to sneak in some adult fun while taking the kiddies tricking or treating! Of course I worked the entire weekend…either at my day job or on this website. FYI the first 5 podcast episodes are now on YouTube! Spread the word! Thus far, I’ve dropped 6 episodes and if you aren’t caught up…please catch up because there is much more to come! Shout out to my Producer, Loyalist and my Engineer, ANS Studios for staying up with me in the late hours to finish three more episodes! 🙌🏽 Love my team! I stay so inspired! Now to our Charm School Monday lesson of the day! The holidays will soon be upon us and what is suppose to be the most joyous time of year…can often be the most stressful and depressing time for many. I have not been a fan of Christmas since 2008 but this year I’m going to force myself to embrace the season and spread joy and happiness like those damn Christmas movies that play 24/7 on Hallmark AND the Hallmark Movie Channel from October 29-January 2! Jesus be a fence because I sure don’t know how I’m going to do it! 🙄 As you all battle the holidays with me…I will try to find clever ways for you to maneuver the crazies and reduce your stress as we deck the halls! 😩 First thing first…toxic people! The holidays bring out happy OR cranky people. Seems to be no in between! This is the time of year our family, friends, and even our bosses will be asking more of us than we may be willing to give. There’s that one family member who always wants to borrow 5 dollars or 500 with no plans of ever paying us back! There’s the friend that always got relationship drama…like her man, Pookie, spending too much time at his baby mama’s house with his children over the holidays and now you and your man can’t get any sleep because she is always calling you crying! Hang up on her if it’s after 11pm and before 7am!✌🏾️ Yea…I mean that! She fucking up your Yuletide and you deserve to have a great holiday season! And there will be your lazy bosses who want you to work through the holidays as they chill on vacation…which coincidentally is no different than when they chill at work while you jump through hoops of fire!🙄 Yup that’s what the holidays can mean for some of us. Now how do you check all the parties before you lose it?! Just don’t entertain the foolishness! I know…easier said than done…especially with your boss! But at least check your family and friends as you email out your resume for a new job! 🙌🏽 If you do not stop toxic people in their tracks…they will take the draws you wearing and drain the blood in your body!😳 Seriously, you cannot let them do this to you! Why does the holidays bring out so many crazies anyways? Maybe it’s because it’s the time of year we take stock of what we have and what we don’t have! Instead of being grateful…some of us end up bitter! Yes “tis the season” for the bitter bitches (men and women). Folks will argue about who is hosting the family dinner and the guest lists! Beefs that should be put aside will rear their ugly heads as we all fight for parking spaces at the mall and stop short of punching each other’s lights out for the last toy on a shelf! It’s no wonder why some of us start praying for the first day of Spring at the end of Fall! Sigh…yes it is that time of year again! Hold on to your hats! It may not matter if you are naughty or nice! The holidays can still be full of drama for adults! As we head into the “season of happiness and goodwill” let’s try to keep our cool, tactfully check the toxic people in our lives, and remember to be a blessing to those around us whenever we can! ~KJM praying for the first day of Spring on Charm School Monday💜
Archives for October 2016
There I was again…in a place I had not felt nor seen in years. It was a safe and secure place I called the Nook. It happened Friday night after so much laughter and basketball! I laid my head on his left shoulder and placed my left hand on his chest. I could feel his heart beating as I relaxed my head and yet firmly held on to him. Occasionally my left hand who go from his chest to his face and I felt at peace. I was in the Nook. I had not seen nor felt this place since summer 2010. I took a deep breath and then let all my emotions fill me up. After all these years, all these ups and downs, and all the moments I loved to hate him…I could still lay peacefully in the Nook! What’s crazy is…I never thought I would see it nor feel it again. You see…the Nook is not a place you can only view. It must awaken every part of your body for you to truly lie in it. And oh it was so unexpected! It’s 2016! And I had long given up on the Nook! We have been through so much. It seemed we left that place…never to return until Friday October 28, 2016! At first, I did not recognize it but then I began to doze off. Fighting sleep…I would open my eyes and smile. There he was…smiling and holding me too. Nothing about it seemed awkward. We just were….us. I felt a shriver go up my spine and my heart danced all at the same time. I…was…in…the….NOOK! And that in itself was orgasmic! That’s right…just laying in the Nook brings a rare kind of pleasure. One where love, trust, and honesty exists! That’s it…the Nook is an honest and loving place. No need to hide your feelings here…because you can’t! Every word is felt before ever spoken….because of deep emotions seeping through your skin. And so we laid in the Nook and my heart was overjoyed…because what I had long given up on…had revisited me when I least expected it. And it was there and only there that I found SERENITY in this moment in time…with him by my side. ~KJM on Serenity Sunday. It’s so rare that I write on both Serenity days but the Nook is just that special💙 Love you a little bit more baby (the Ex Factor)😍
“What Is A Christian?”: Written and Performed by Kingston Jael Michaels,
“The Aftermath Of Dear Girlfriend”: Written by Kingston Jael Michaels and Performed by Alexis Skyy,
“A Baby Will Keep Him?”: Written by Kingston Jael Michaels and Performed by Lioness,
BEATS by Davincii Productions,
PRODUCED by Loyalist,
and MIXED by ANS Studios.
Written by Kingston Jael Michaels, Performed by Nicole, Beats by Davincii Productions, Produced by Loyalist, and Engineered by ANS Studios.
I have rolls and cellulite. Every year I wish my body looked like the year before yet I try so hard to love the skin I’m in no matter what! Rolls and all! There’s no Beyoncé firm bootie here and certainly no sight of Ciara abs but I’m still a beautiful woman with a beautiful body!🙌🏽 Sometimes I dream of my 25 year old body and mourn. Where did she go? Why did I take her for granted when I had her? I could eat grass weed and deny myself my favorite desserts for the rest of my life and try to get her back but let’s be real…I love a hot fudge sundae way too much! Lol. There’s nothing wrong with getting in shape and working on the things we see fit…however…keep in mind that even if you hit those life long goals…you still may not be comfortable with who you are! A lot of us suffer from the never satisfied syndrome (including myself). I have already sang my “if onlys” in one of my blogs in the past week. It’s a deep song but it does not fill in the gaps within. No matter where I am in life…I have to love myself…rolls, cellulite, and all! So last night I laid in my fat with my honey as we talked, watched basketball (Go Nets!)….and I even let him preview one of my upcoming podcast episodes. We laughed and laughed. It felt good to just lay in my rolls of glory with the Ex Factor and just be me. While I don’t always feel good about my body…I try not to hide it from him. You see…he never met the 25 year old me and fell in love with all that fat back I’m carrying. 😩💙And even though he does not have an inch of fat on his body and goes to the gym 7 days a week…I think we’ve finally started getting back to that place where I feel loved and wanted for all my imperfections. With not a lick of makeup on…I told him about my horrible work week as he listened intently. He did not need to add anything. Just him being there when I needed him was enough. He held me as the game went on. I didn’t have a clue how the Nets were doing because my focus was on us but I know we were both present in that moment! 😍 And it was nice to just be…me! Ignorant as fuck and all! That reminded me of another important Serenity message. I was comfortable discussing my sadness and anger about all the events that had occurred during my week. And if you read my last blog…you know I stopped short of wishing my bad mouthing manager a nasty case of herpes! 🙄 My post was beyond ignorant but for any of you that have experienced this kind of betrayal at work….I’m sure you can understand where that anger came from. I work hard! You may not like me but never take that away from me. ✌🏾️I think I was okay with telling babe my craziest thoughts of the week because I already allowed myself to honestly feel those emotions and did not suppress them! I felt the tears welling up in my eyes and I felt the anger burning into my spirit and lived out those feelings at the exact moment I experienced them! What a freeing feeling! 🙌🏽 And then…I was ready to release it all like toxins in my body and let it go! That’s right! Serenity is welcoming uncomfortable emotions and allowing yourself to feel them. Then forgiving yourself for the negative emotions. This allows us to move on from a place where we were stuck. And that my dear is serenity! Getting unstuck with the person you love the most as they listen to your deepest thoughts and feel your deepest emotions! ~KJM is getting unstuck with the person she loves the most on Serenity Saturday! Love you baby💙
I have been working in this country since I was 14 years old. And even with all of my time in Corporate America….I’m still just a hoe to them. Someone who works their asses off and shows up…even when my body gives out…yet I’m treated in such a shitty manner. There are people who are lazy as fuck at work but because they kiss ass when management is in the room…they are rewarded and promoted. And thus…a sea of unqualified, power hungry, disrespectful, LAZY, and useless Pimps are born and we must now call them BOSSES!🙄Follow me carefully because I’m about to rip into someone right now. You know who you are and you certainly deserve this shout out. Yup you…use to be a hoe but now made a pimp off of the blood, sweat, and tears of hardworking employees. But wait let me catch y’all up! I loathe my day job….absolutely hate it…yet I work my ass off because I was always taught that even if I worked at McDonald’s…I should take pride in all I do…work my way up (honestly) from mopping the floor to being the best fries maker to cashier! That is the stock I was raised on! 🙌🏽 Yet some folks were raised the opposite…to do the bare minimum at work, pretend to work hard enough in front of their bosses, and then stab some good employees in the back so they can crawl up the corporate ladder. This is one of the worst Pimps. Some employees are lazy and complacent but it’s when these same lazy people get put in a position of power do I take serious issue with it! Did I mention how much I hate my day job?! Yesterday, after being at my company for over a year and only getting stellar reviews for my work from business project to business project…I found out that a female assistant manager had been bad mouthing me to other managers in order to keep me from a promotion in pay! I was stunned for two reasons…1. I’m pretty high in demand for my company and generally requested by managers and clients to be on their team and 2. This was the one and only time I’ve worked for this lazy bitch in which during the course of two months I’ve spoken to her no more than twice (because I do not like her lack of professionalism…from the cursing at employees to firing them for any reason she can find to the degrading of everyone in sight that she can. I do not tolerate disrespect so I stayed out of her way (I had a male manager I could go to that I have worked for before and had a good repore with until this particular project because he allowed the female manager to mistreat most of us) and off her radar or so I thought… The interesting thing is she was the worst manager I have ever had at this company! Lazy….always late…refused to answer questions…disrespectful to anyone who was not in a managerial position and the list goes on. Did I mention she has a bad reputation amongst her peers and employees?! I was specifically told by many people to limit my interactions with her before I ever even laid eyes on her! I can only think that she must give great blow jobs to have been TEMPORARILY promoted to assistant manager because it certainly cannot be for her work ethics, great communication skills, and natural born leadership skills! No definitely not! Nothing like a great blow job to rise to the top in the land of pimps and hoes! No wonder that’s not my thing! I am a woman who works my ass off at everything I do! So bitch you certainly tried it! ✌🏾️ I still did receive my increase in pay but only because the manager above her (unbeknownst to her) had worked with me several times over the course of the last year and knows the quality of the work I do first hand!🙌🏽 Yea bitch you really tried it! Even if you do not care for my personality…at least respect my hustle! You tried to take bread out of my mouth! But GOD is able! All I can do is pray for you. Matter fact…you are probably too lazy to have sucked your way to the top…you are probably one of those let them bust in your face type of hoes!✌🏾️ Miss me with all of that! Yesterday I was almost reduced to tears because the truth is…no matter how hard you work in corporate America…especially if you are black…one person can say a bad word about you and it can wreck your career! The years of hard work will not matter! You are now just a dried up…washed up…useless hoe to them and the lazy pimps continue to thrive! The message in all of this ladies and gentlemen?! Get your coins up and try to always have something that is JUST YOURS. When you have your own company…you will no longer be a hoe that just anyone can degrade whenever they feel like! Now I know not everyone has the entrepreneurial spirit (I certainly did not know I had it until I started this blog) but even if you don’t…promise me that you will not invest in someone else’s job/company more than you do in yourself! Corporate America is just about how good you are to them TODAY! No one cares about your 20 years of hard work for a company! No one cares about the early mornings and late nights you worked. No one cares about the holidays you worked! No one cares about the times you missed out on spending with your loved ones! NO ONE GIVES A FUCK POINT BLANK! Remember that! The hoe is only good to the pimp when he says so. When she’s sick or tired…he will beat her ass and perhaps even go as far as replacing her with another hoe! Never forget that! Please don’t! Lastly, I thought about not writing this piece today but I still boldly did so because I’m writing for all the people discriminated against, harassed, put down, disrespected, and kicked in the face everyday at work! Someone has to take a stand for us! While my message to Corporate America (about hiring folks that not only aren’t good at their jobs but are opening them up to lawsuits) will probably fall on deaf ears…I pray my message to you will not! ~KJM wiping the ash off my ankles before I get back on the beat with all the other hoes…on Throwback Thursday! Jesus be a fence because I’m in need of positive change in my career! 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
My main focus right now is getting Episode 6 of the podcast series shared with the public. (Please share on all your social networks and introduce others to KJM). Today, however, I wanted to give you guys something to think about before I resume my daily blogging. Randomly, a thought flooded my mind yesterday. Besides not being willing to physically become pregnant (I’m thinking forever)…the second reason why I cannot fathom being a mom is because pregnancy, typically, links a woman to a man forever! I still cannot picture myself having to be with one man for the rest of my life nor having to deal with him forever if things do not work out! It was always my plan to have different loves in the many phases of my life. Julio was my “puppy love” phase and now the Ex Factor is the “I must have lost my damn mind…first adult yet childish love” phase! I am actually counting on the third love to see me through the success of building my empire! Yea if you haven’t noticed…I am currently awaiting that third love…also known as BOAZ!😉 Why await BOAZ and the possible loves after him? Because….it is to be expected that people will fail you! By definition…humans are flawed. I expect the disappointments and dismiss the few moments they come through. I am a realist. Never played with Barbie. Never trusted Ken. Never believed that there is just ONE forever love out there. Now this doesn’t mean there isn’t a forever love for me…it just means that if and when I meet him it will be like witnessing Moses part the Red Sea!😇 I’m open to marriage (well only since I turned 34) because there is such a thing as divorce! And I always need an exit plan! This is why I lose it when folks say they can’t wait for me to have a baby! I see a baby as a sort of death sentence for MYSELF. Definitely not others. What I need to feel alive is so different from what many need! I feel so bad for saying that but it’s true. Auntie Kingston loves the kids…as long as they aren’t hers! Lol. My entire 20s people told me I would change my mind but I’m 35 now and I feel even more serious about my stance. Of course, there’s my plan and God’s plan so we shall all stay tuned! For now I’m loving my freedom and my marriage to this blog! In the meantime…I am staying up nights and waking up extra early to give birth to this blog. And that is who Kingston Jael Michaels is at this point in her life! ~KJM confessing some of my deepest thoughts on Hump Day. P.S. This all explains my intense attraction to the Ex Factor. With his age (26) and his current state of mind (non serious commitment)…I don’t have to venture into places where I would have to ask myself some deep seeded questions on my stance on marriage and family. I can just stand in time…wastefully…with him. However, I do complain because I would like a bit more than what we have. But if you ask him…he thinks I want to be married tomorrow! He focuses on my age and not my words/actions. Silly rabbit🙄😂Shout out to all my friends that have been listening to me complain and whine about the Ex Factor for the last 6 years. And for those of you who were down with me since the Julio days….I really apologize! Lol. I am a work in progress!😘
I have so much on my mind this morning but you guys follow my life everyday. Time to change pace and do something I do not typically do here at Kingston Expressions…discuss celebrities or reality tv people. I make the exception when there is a strong lesson for us all in their stories. This past Saturday’s “Iyanla Fix My Life” premiered the Marie Holmes episode aka the young mother of four from North Carolina who won 188 million…immediately spending 21 million in bailing out her drug dealing “fiancé.” First off, this was a very sad episode. Just a few minutes in…my heart was breaking and the episode felt like a car crash that I just could not look away from. Women go through so much in life but the plight of the black woman is particularly troubling. We are battling poverty, parenting fatherless children, the drug epidemic sweeping our neighborhoods, sexual assault/rape as a silent killer in our families and communities, our men being incarcerated in large numbers, down low men, chanting black lives matter while screaming on top of our lungs that the black woman should never be forgotten in that fight for justice and civil rights, and many other draining life circumstances. So when I looked at 27 year old Marie…I could see the weight of the world on her shoulders. Not once did she smile in the one hour episode. Her sadness swept me away and from the looks of it…it’s not going away any time soon. There is so much I want to say to Marie! As I watched, I tried so much not to judge her but found myself agitated with her because she was not provided a foundation of the strength that me…a black woman in America…had received from BOTH of my parents! With her father in jail for drugs and her mom virtually clueless on life herself…there was just no way Marie could be prepared for her new life as a lottery winner (not to mention she was ill prepared for her old life)! I sat there and watched….speechless. There was a woman down! And only God himself could come down and save her…along with some intense therapy! She sent her 4 children away to Seattle to live with her mother (who she does not have a great relationship with) just so she could stay in NC to stick by her no good man! Lots I can say here but the mess is self evident. What is even more crystal clear is that if there is not some serious life plan put in place that covers mental illness and repairing broken relationships…even with all the money in the world…the cycle of depression, sadness, lack of self love and self respect, and desperation to be loved…will continue with Marie’s children! What can we take away from all of this? I often sit down thinking…if only I had more money…this would be right…and if only he (The Ex Factor) loved me more…this would be right. If only! If only! If only! Money or no money…some shit cannot be fixed if we are broken inside! And forget about the measure of love others give us when we are cheating ourselves of the great amount of self love we deserve! And I’m in my right damn mind…educated…a businesswoman…childless…and financially not really wanting for much because I have all I need….yet I got my “if onlys” in tote and I’m dragging my baggage right along with me! Marie is a hot damn mess but she is my sister in the struggle of life! To judge her would be to forget all my mistakes and indiscretions! We as women need to speak life into the lost and abandoned! It’s so easy to say Marie girl you chose a man over your children and you tripping! Well she is! But what I really needed to say is sister you need help! You needed it long ago but now you actually have a platform to receive it and inspire others similarly situated! Enter Iyanla! Of course there was a lot of heat on how Iyanla handled the situation! Bless her heart for trying! I do not counselor folks because I have yet to learn the patience to not smack them upside their damn heads when they are leading destructive lives! 😩I am a work in progress! But Iyanla tried! She is just a life coach…not a miracle worker! She cannot fix…in one episode…27 years of brokenness! 27 years of feeling unloved! 27 years of looking for love in the wrong damn place! Only thing Iyanla could do was alert Marie to her deep seeded issues and stand with her as she tries to figure it out! I pray Iyanla (and Oprah for that matter) is keeping a steady eye on this young woman! “While you can lead a horse to water…you sure cannot make her drink!” Iyanla lead her to water and whether you agree with her method or not…Marie called and Iyanla answered! People write in for help. Iyanla did not have to show up but she did…when many of us would have hung up the phone on Marie while whispering…“a lost cause.” I am just keeping it real on this one. What can we take away from all of this? There are times we all get lost…cannot find our way…clueless to get out of the hell we were either born into or created for ourselves. I am a strong black woman and there are still times I disappoint myself, accept less than I deserve, and need guidance finding my way back to core of who I am! Marie, I pray for you and your family. I pray you keep asking for help. I hope you start to work on self love. I pray you walk away from any love that no longer serves you. I pray you see the light. But let us not forget…one does not become enlightened easily…one must fight for every inch of that enlightenment! Walk barefoot on rocks, cry at night instead of sleep…and virtually stare destruction in the face before ever seeing a glimmer of the light. That’s called doing the work and actively walking into your enlightenment! Marie…the time is now. Fight sister! Fight! ~KJM on Charm School Monday💜
I always tell people to never get too comfortable with me…whether I have known them for 20 minutes or 20 years! The Gemini, by cosmic definition, is always changing. We can be filled with one emotion at a certain time and in the next moment…we feel another emotion…very deeply. Both emotions are real to us. We are not two faced nor fickle! The Gemini is an adventurer who is ever changing. This concept sometimes pisses folks off but if they just realized that respect is essential to the Gemini…they wouldn’t get caught off guard when we hand them their asses when they cross the line! Boundaries are so important to us. I am almost certain we set them from birth! And that’s all the more reason why we do not hesitate to cut off most folks (if not all) that cannot understand our need to be respected. Now to the story that inspired this blog. This past Friday evening I had one hour left at work. I have worked very closely with a group of people for the last two months and this was our final night working together. We were all suppose to grab a drink after work (which I typically do not do with coworkers). Then the asshole moment of the evening occurred. One of the guys in the group cursed at me and told me to mind my fucking business when I (along with the group) were making funny comments about his lack of awareness of others when driving. I was not the only one commenting but I was the only one cursed at! I guess in his eyes, he felt like he was joking, but in my eyes it just didn’t fucking matter! I do not let anyone….especially MEN….curse at me!!! Jesus be fence because I felt like I was about to jump over my desk and smack the shit out of him! I seriously do not play like that! Never have I cursed at him nor given him the indication that we were friends! Only one lady in the group actually has my phone number! I tell folks all the time…I’m friendly (at work…don’t catch me outside of work) but I’m not nice! Only a few people at the table heard his response to me because it all happened so quickly and in the midst of several conversations going on at once. I literally had to leave the room before I exploded! You see I AM A LADY AND I WILL NOT BE SPOKEN TO THAT WAY! I said this to him before I exited the room. With my blood boiling…I went to our front desk and spoke with another coworker about the incident and then… I became calm. Until this blog takes off, I do need my day job…so setting it off at my place of employment would not be a good look! Breathe in! Breathe out! That’s all I could do repeatedly. After a few minutes I returned to the room and then left again because I was still pissed! Now back for the final few minutes of the night…I finished up my work as the others talked excitedly and when the fool was getting up to leave…he did apologize! The only thing I said is I appreciate the apology. But y’all know I wasn’t ready to accept it! You see he hit a nerve! I grew up watching the women in my family get disrespected verbally and physically by their boyfriends and husbands! I always vowed never to be in such a disrespectful situation! That’s why it broke my heart when I cursed the Ex Factor out back in August! In all my dating life, I made sure never to curse at any guy while dating them and made sure the only thing they ever called me was my government name! Now once we break up….it’s all fair game if he is acting a fool!🙌🏽 But I digress….I just do not want to repeat this ugly cycle! So when a man launches a curse word at me…I lose it! I’m not sure why this coworker found himself so comfortable with me. Point blank…he shouldn’t have! My loyalty is to myself and my well being! I think sometimes folks fall and bump their heads (like in this situation) and other times, we make it easy for people to disrespect us! I simply won’t tolerate it…especially in the work place! Serenity equals respect! Set those boundaries and let people know when they cross them. If you aren’t comfortable voicing it…try not to deal with them again once you notice that they love to serve up disrespect! Life is just too short to have people draining the essence of your being out of you while devaluing you! I know this is easier said than done with friends, lovers, and family but always remember that Serenity equals respect and respect equals peace! There is nothing like a peace of mind! ~KJM on what is now Serenity Sunday💜
I generally do not get IG-NANT (yes I meant to say ignorant just that way) on Flashback Friday but there’s no time like the present to tackle this foolishness! Today I share my views of Mary J. Blige’s soon to be ex husband’s (Kendu) itemized spousal support request. Now I’m going to leave the legal analysis of each amount to both their legal teams. My only goal today is to rip in his ass the new asshole I hope Mary’s legal team leaves him with! I know the men reading this are going to side eye me for this blog but let me be clear…even when wives are requesting outlandish things during their divorce…I have something to say! So miss me with the if the shoe was on the other foot shit!✌🏾️I believe spousal support should just be for the needed things…like taking care of children (the payers children) but we will get back to that soon! I do not support a woman asking for money for expensive outfits and big houses (unless they got lots of children) during a divorce. And typically the wife in the situation is a stay at home mom who possibly gave up a career to be there for her husband and her children! But before I even get carried away with this fuckery…let’s attack this list from Mary’s eyes! Here is the break down of the almost 130,000 a month Kendu is requesting: 8. 8,000 FOR A PRIVATE CHEF (The Not Gonna Cry Editon)! Now Mary why you allow his ass to eat well during your 12 years of marriage?! You (the bread winner) should have had his ass consistently eating the tuna in a can…you met him eating! Private Chef my ass! MFer better learn how to heat up some Oodles Of Noodles and downgrade from steak and lobster cause Mary taking that shit with her! And you might as well break out the Boone’s cheap liquor because there will be no more fine dining and expensive wine tastings! Get thee to a well in Maine and fill some jugs up of that free water because I’m not playing with your ass no more!✌🏾️7. 3,200 PERSONAL TRAINER (The Reminisce Edition)! Um Kendu…remember that two speed bike you use to ride before meeting Mary?! Your ass better start riding it around the block in order to get in shape because Mary taking HER personal trainer…your ass barely used…with her! I know you don’t expect her to pay for you to get in shape for other women?! You done lost your mind! You don’t even got a body like the model Tyson or the singer Tank! Miss me with all of that! Get on that two speed and fucking ride down a hill! Okay…maybe I’m being an asshole here…Mary gonna throw in some training wheels just to show you she is reasonable!✌🏾️6. 1,000 CLOTHING ALLOWANCE (The Stay Down Edition)! Kendu remember when Mary met you…you use to wear FUBU? Well why the fuck can’t you continue that? The fuck you want custom made expensive shit for? FUBU is very affordable now! Mary still willing to pay for that but if you talking about Tom Ford and shit you gonna be assed out sitting on a corner rocking a Coogi Sweater! And I’m not talking about one of the throwback originals either! ✌🏾️5. 5,000 TO PAY EACH OF HIS PARENTS (The Family Affair Edition)! Are your folks senile? They bet the fuck be because this is some ridiculousness! Pay them for what?! And they are your fucking parents?! Why the fuck can’t you support them off your salary?! Oh that’s right…you ain’t got no job when Mary fired you as her manager! Well the paper boy told me the local newspaper looking for more paperboys…get on that motherfucking two speed (listed in number 7) and make your fucking self useful! Apply yourself and guess what….get a fucking job! Many wives have to do that after a divorce anyways…so your ass should be no different! ✌🏾️4. 71,000 For Rental Properties (The What’s the 411/Love No Limit Edition)! Boo, you remember the line of credit we got to buy and rent properties?! Yea…we only got that shit because I’m motherfucking Mary J. Blige! Kendu who? Not even Mary’s boys from her old neighborhood know who you are! When Mary leaves…she’s taking her line of credit with her…so that should ease the 71,000 monthly burden off of you…cause you still don’t got no job! This is a good time to say Rest In Comedic Peace Tommy from the hit show Martin! The “man you ain’t got no job” skit is still applicable in life today!💜 3. 5,000 A MONTH TO SUPPORT HIS TWO CHILDREN FROM A PAST RELATIONSHIP (The YOUR Child Edition)! Now Auntie Kingston love the kids but where the fuck is their biological mama and why don’t you hit that bitch up for the 5,000 a month?! You must have just lost your fucking mind Kendu! You on drugs? You must be on that cheap stuff since the breakup happened! Remember what Auntie Whitney said before her passing…“I don’t do crack…crack is cheap!” Kendu heed Auntie Whitney Houston’s advice and get yourself to some sort of rehab (on your own dime of course)!✌🏾️2. 2,500 FOR AUTO EXPENSES AND TRANSPORTATION (The I’m Goin Down Edition)! Kendu….you ever heard of a BUS PASS? It’s the ultimate transportation throwback! I suggest you utilize the few dollars you have in your bank account (and not the joint one either…Mary froze that one) and invest in a bus pass! Once the two speed needs maintenance (because you rode down a hill one time too many) and you aren’t able to afford it…the bus pass will be helpful! Don’t thank me now…you can thank me later when you riding the bus all through what ever dingy city you can afford to live in…on your nonexistent income that is!✌🏾️ 1. 5,708 FOR MAINTENANCE AND REPAIR ON HIS PROPERTIES (The No More Drama Edition)! What properties boo? Mary selling them all! And I just told you she’s taking her line of credit with her! Kendu, in the words of the great Lauryn Hill…“it could all be so simple…but you’d rather make it hard…loving you is like a battle…and we both end up with scars.” Now Mary, I’m praying for you during this difficult time! If your lawyers can’t get these expenses down to a reasonable amount…call me! While I’m a Christian and do not believe in Obea (Jamaican version of Voodoo)….if you need me to…I know a man in the mountains of Jamaica…who can create some serious sprinkle dust 😳😩😂and once he blows it in the air Kendu will feel it all the way in the US! Just kidding 😇 But rassclot maybe a only dat can shortin dis a list ya😐 ~KJM being straight IG-NANT on Flashback Friday!😂 My parents gonna beat the hell out of me when they learn I wrote about an Obea man lol but then again if someone was sticking me for 130,000 a month…the Michaels family may just have to look into it lol😂😂😂😂