I am humbled and blessed to have started my new season. Family and friends took my hands as I embraced what was ahead…the unknown. So far nothing in my new season makes sense. I wake up with emotions I never expected to have at this point in my life. Everything tastes different yet I am happy. I have no idea if I will allow the Ex Factor into my new season. So much confusion there. I thought I sealed that door shut. And yet he and I always find a way to come back around full circle. The Ex Factor is either my “for better or for worse…until death does us part” or he is my obsession. If what we feel is obsession then we both have to change our colognes and move on. If he is my “for better or for worse” we will have to slowly teach each other how to take a leap of faith. How does one even leap without being certain of the future?! This week makes it 6 years he’s been in my life and my heart. SIX YEARS! He is either my husband and my children’s father or he is my greatest regret that kept me trapped in the same time and space. I’m not built like most women. “Leap,” they say as I pause in fear. I’ve spoken to Willow, Grace, Toi, and Harmony about this. Harmony and I have never leaped. It’s unfathomable to us while Willow, Grace, and Toi not only leaped but learned to fly in the process. What if I leap and instead of flying…I fall 100 stories?! I can’t go through one more heartbreak with him. What’s even more scary is what if I leap and I do learn to fly?! I’m scared of falling and flying. Flying would mean that somewhere in the midst of choosing me, I learned how to openly and freely give the Ex Factor my heart. It’s my new season and I’m excited, scared, and humbled all at the same time. Grace told me that no matter what, remember to pray and leave it all to God. No new season can stand on its own without faith. And so I pray and I try not to control it but if you had told me last month that this is how my new season would have started off…I would have told you that you were delusional. I don’t know if I’m meant to be an eagle but I know deep down inside that I am a dragon and I will breathe fire onto anyone or anything that tries to destroy me while roaming the world with a spark in my eyes and a fire in my belly. ~KJM on Charm School Monday.
Archives for May 2016
Many of you have been wondering for months…what happened to Phoenix?! I want to say I purposely left you hanging…leaving you at the edge of your sexually thirsty seats but no that really wasn’t it. As I’ve always said, Phoenix steps in to fill a spot…WHEN I CHOOSE. He doesn’t own a spot nor was he ever asked to fill out an application for one. Something about Phoenix made me never want to stay more than one night. I’ve known him since 2004 and I’ve never ever been able to fall asleep next to him. The last time we saw each other, in September 2014, he asked me if I thought he was going to kill me in my sleep as he smiled at me with those pearly whites while his dark chocolate skin glistened in the moonlight. I don’t know what made me keep him at a distance until the weekend of April 1st when I let Elijah go. Then like a lightning bolt, I saw Phoenix’s true colors. Typically, our friendship consists of us supporting each other on everything. He lends me a listening ear and has a reassuring voice but not on this particular weekend. Phoenix and I spoke about me ending it with Elijah and he seemed supportive UNTIL I hit a nerve. I’m not sure how I got under his skin. I ran down a laundry list of reasons why Elijah and I just won’t cut it. Amongst it, I mentioned that I hated Elijah’s cheapness and the fact that he was almost 40 years old yet still playing mind games! Now I’m not the best in relationships and lawd knows many people want to cast a stone at me for my past indiscretions but I really tried with Elijah. That dude straight up wanted a woman to be bare foot, pregnant, serve him, make all his meals, bathe him (I’m sure), and yet still hold down a job (or 2) 7 days a week! Elijah was NOT the gentleman he pretended to be. I’m not even mad about it. Wouldn’t we all want to see the warning signs in the dating phase so we can bolt?! Well I got my chance and that’s what the fuck I did! I told Phoenix because I’ve gone younger, dated in my age group, and now gone older…I’m noticing there are some common themes with black men! Like serious commitment escapes them! Now not all black men because I damn sure don’t want to start receiving hate mail from y’all! 😳 So hear me out: I’ve dated the fake Shabba Ranks to the Imposter Waka Flaka’s…I need a fucking break! 🙌🏽 I announced that I’m going back to dating men of different races like when I was younger and once again…that’s what the fuck I’ve been doing! My bed is MY business and nobody else’s. Yo this dude Phoenix lost it…but….wait for it…I’m about to pick it back up! Out of the entire list of things I mentioned about how Elijah treated me…Phoenix took one thing personal. He took issue with the fact that I was pissed when Elijah said the most he would ever spend on my (or any woman for that matter) engagement ring was $1,500. Now let be clear here like I was with Phoenix. I make my own money and in my entire life the only men I went to for money when I didn’t have it were the men in my family…mostly Papa Michaels and my brother, Junior….so I ain’t no motherfucking gold digger but that’s how Phoenix handled me…like a hoe in the street with greasy lips, money grabbing hands, and ashy ankles!!!! I can’t believe he did me that way! We have been down for each other for a very long time. I went to visit him when he was in graduate school. Brought him food and wine while never bringing up money! That’s just not my style in relationships or affairs for that matter but when people try to flip the script on me…I ask them to come correct! Phoenix informed me that he now makes $160,000 a year (ouch hurt my feelings to find that out because my career isn’t that lucrative) and he would buy his girlfriend/baby mama a $1,500 dollar ring in a heartbeat (if he wanted to be engaged) and she better be lucky to receive it. He said it’s about the marriage not the ring. Now wait a minute….most of my friends are happily married with nice rings. I don’t need a $50,000 ring but why would you go out and get me something that I can easily buy myself (or get in a Cracker Jack box fuck hole) with no thought of what I may like. Men, many engagement and wedding rings are passed down to children from their parents. So I asked Phoenix if $1,500 was good enough for his child and all I got was DEAD SILENCE. See that’s the issue for me with Elijah (and now Phoenix), it’s the attitude that a woman should be happy with whatever the fuck they do….hence Elijah’s cheapness and demanding ways and Phoenix’s cheating ways (yea I know I use to kick it with him once in a while but I’m still going to call a spade a spade). If you remember clearly, I said it’s the person who is in the dating relationship that should honor whatever they have…not a person on the outside. And when married, the stakes are even higher and that’s why I don’t fuck with married men. It’s pissing off God and married women at the same damn time. I ain’t got no time for that drama! ✌🏾️Now back to Phoenix’s manifesto. If I was engaged and buying my future husband’s ring….I would have a budget but my main goal is to find a ring he will like and want to wear until eternity. Some black women profess that it’s about the marriage and accept the Cracker Jack Box ring easily just for the sake of saying they are married meanwhile he just bought his mama a Porsche! Some of us ain’t even being offered a ring (Phoenix’s girlfriend) while women of all other races have requirements financially, emotionally, and physically to settle down with a man! I took a poll from my male married friends of all other races and they whole hearted disagreed with Elijah and Phoenix! They thought a $5,000 ring (that’s the number I threw out when Elijah brought the subject up and asked me how much I would want him to spend) was getting off way too easy from what was required of them when they got married to their wives! Now I’m not saying all black men feel this way and I’m not saying all black women take what they can get. I’m not even saying all women of other races make their financial value the number one priority in their marriages. What I am saying is: “NO ROMANCE WITHOUT FINANCE!” The old skool people got it…I don’t know what the fuck this new generation is about but it’s cold out here in these streets to be playing “the you better be happy a man wants you” game! If the Ex Factor could have only afforded a $1,500 ring, I would have happily accepted it because we ride for each other and he’s a giver. He is the type of man (faults and all) that wanted to provide all my wants and needs. And if he couldn’t do it today…he had a plan to do it when he could. I’m not about the coins but my pussy mileage, love, and understanding are worth more than $1,500 from a man sitting on almost $200,000. Notice these men aren’t limiting the amount of the ring because they want to save the money for a house…they are limiting it because that’s all they feel a black woman deserves. Trust and believe if they left our race…that shit wouldn’t fly! “Becky with the good hair” has not lost sight of her overall worth. Vanessa Bryant (Kobe’s wife) is a prime example of that. Kobe was messing up all over the place, she dropped another child, and her ring just kept getting bigger and bigger. I’m not even mad at her…Ivana Trump said in the movie “First Wives Club”…”don’t get mad…get everything!” So I’m not saying Vanessa Bryant’s way of thinking is right nor wrong (I am making an assumption as an outsider) but I will leave this right here…”I ain’t saying she a gold digger but she ain’t messing with no broke…” Well you get where I’m coming from. This may be a good time for me to wipe my lip gloss off, put my money grabbing hands in my own pocket, and get to lotioning my ashy ankles! Wtf. These motherfuckers must have fell and bumped their heads! So Phoenix, Elijah, and I must part ways. Stay tuned! ~KJM is dropping some juicy tidbits on Serenity Saturday! Sometimes it’s great to switch things up! Be well! Be kind to yourselves! And know your worth!🙌🏽 Now where that lotion at?! ✌🏾️
My eyes fell on his almost 7 feet stance. Breathlessly, I was a goner when my gaze found his brown eyes. Never meant to fall in love…especially so deeply. The Ex Factor was young….20 years old to be exact. I had just turned 29. This was the summer I was suppose to get my feet wet in the dating world. I made up my mind that Julio and I after 10 years of dating on and off were DONE! 🙌🏽 Phoenix was on the scene doing what he does best….ME. LOVE was not on my mind. I had escaped it most of my dating life minus Julio. And even then…it was puppy love because Julio and I were teenagers when we first met. BULLET PROOF FROM FALLING IN LOVE…that’s what I would tell all these guys on our first date. I repeated the same to the Ex Factor…never realizing that he literally had me at HELLO. For 5 years, I would be on a roller coaster ride that all my friends and family would watch in a disgusting awe as I fought to save my independence and self esteem while loving a man that just didn’t love me or so I thought. My brother, Junior, once told me that people don’t always show love the way we want them to. They love in the way they know. Junior was the first to tell me that he thought the Ex Factor loved me to destruction. I couldn’t see it because I always went by what the Ex Factor said and reminded myself that we had no future. But we did have inside jokes and laughed a lot. WE DID HAVE EACH OTHER but I wanted and needed more. First two years of us dating, we made love anywhere and at any time. That’s the passion we once had. Even though our communication was off on so many levels…even sexually at times…he had become my deepest friend and lover in one. I just didn’t realize it…until now. Junior said the Ex Factor did not know himself well enough yet as a man in love. He was still at a stage in life (the early 20s) where being in love wasn’t really cool or widely accepted amongst his peers. And even though Junior is the one person that supported us as a couple emotionally and financially at times…I still thought my brother was trying to spare my feelings. How could the Ex Factor love me? He never said it! And while I had never said I loved him in person…there were at least 5 times in the 5 years that I text “1 4 3” or “Love You.” You see, I too was afraid of being transparent with my heart. What I truly felt no words could ever express. There were times I was sleeping with a broken heart with the Ex Factor right next to me. I had never experienced anything like this. Julio loved me first and professed it. There has been numerous guys who showed me love and tried to reform me from “my feminist independent I’m not trying to marry your ass ways.” Still…I chose to move on. With the Ex Factor…I could run but I never got far until June 2015. I turned cold. But since the Ex Factor was down with me when I was financially on my face…spirit broken…I had to stay down with him until he got a new job in September 2015. He held me down and I did the same for him. I could have wasted my entire life waiting for him had my spirit not turned cold when my friend Michele died unexpectedly in June 2015. Her death pushed me into rebirth mode and in September 2015…I didn’t need to run because GOD taught me how to FLY. 🙏🏽 And so I flew to my new destination without shedding a tear while knowing I could not take the Ex Factor with me. Elijah boarded my plane that same month and I thought my heart would get a chance to warm up and heal. At almost 40 years old, Elijah was very different from the Ex Factor. The games became more psychological and something always seemed missing. It wasn’t until I heard from the Ex Factor this week and finally decided to respond to him that I figured out what I could not find in Elijah: a laid back guy, my friend, my lover, and the only man I would have married on the spot and given birth to any number of his children without complaints. I RODE for the Ex Factor…mentally, emotionally, and sexually. I was a MAD SCIENTIST in a lab and he was my specimen to mold, to turn into my heart’s desire. My ULTIMATE CLIMAX. 🙌🏽 Fast forward to present day and I think he’s finally realizing what Beyoncé told him…“Hold up…they don’t love you like I love you…slow down…they don’t love you like I love you.” So he’s in my life…whispering those sweet nothings that only took 5 years and 11 months to hear. I teared up a bit because I believe he means it. The Ex Factor doesn’t ever speak of love unless it’s of his family and his dogs. I’m no longer angry so I reminded him that HE WAS LOVED by me. I don’t know if he purposely missed the past tense of if he just decided it was now or never to put himself out there but he uttered “Love You Too.” It took 5 years and 11 months to hear him say those words. At this point in my life…it was understood. I wasn’t loved the way I needed to be by the Ex Factor but I walked away last September knowing that even with all his fuck ups…he loved me the best way he could. And I accepted that and chose to move on. Just like when I noticed some major changes the Ex Factor made in his life the last 9 months, I accepted the fact that those changes are for a future woman in his life…perhaps his future wife…but they weren’t for me. Maybe I’m wrong about this but once a man knows the depths of how much a woman loves him…some will unwisely take her for granted. If I ever decided to take the Ex Factor back, I could see him reverting back to his old self within a month. His love…in a sense…is a day late and a dollar short. It belongs to some other woman and I’m okay with knowing that I was the catalyst for it all. I’m okay with knowing that she will not have to go to sleep with a broken heart while laying next to him. I have accepted that we have gone as far as we can. And while I know soon…I will have to cut off communication with him again so we can both have healthy love lives…it feels great to have my heart and my friend back. We laugh at our inside jokes and reflect on our favorite places to spend time together. We…love…from afar in our own special way. It’s been a beautiful feeling to go from Kelis’ “I hate you so much right now” to Beyoncé’s “Sorry…I ain’t sorry!” For anyone going through it out there…broken hearts do heal. ~KJM on Throwback Thursday saying I’ve no clue if I’m still in love. I actually don’t want to find out. Right now, I just want to enjoy our laughter.💜
I am on Temptation Island. You ever been there? It looks like being up shit’s creek without a paddle only you have ONE opportunity to swim to shore! Yesterday was a crazy day. I ran into Elijah and then later that evening the ex factor text me. The ex factor and I had a good conversation where I made it clear…things are how they should be. We don’t belong together. Yes I loved him with everything I had in me and more but it’s been almost 9 months since we broke up and I’m over it. Now to that damn Elijah. Why am I still attracted to him?! It’s not like when we were dating…I no longer feel a spark but there’s still attraction to all of his over 6 feet dark chocolate self. My vagina stood up to greet him but good thing I’m a woman…I can easily tell her ass to stand down too! The vagina does not control the woman like the penis controls the man. “She” is a separate entity for which the woman and only the woman can hit an on and off switch. So I quickly clicked the OFF switch. Elijah broke my faith in him and that’s something that entering through the vagina can’t fix. I don’t think there could ever be a remedy to how Elijah treated me. Still for the next couple of weeks I will occasionally bump into him. Fuck my life. Lol. During this time, I will have to strategically figure out a way to be polite and professional without getting caught in the male siren’s cries. Didn’t female sirens eat the men at sea?! Oh my…this can’t be good! I wonder if the universe is trying to purposely test me as I’m days away from my new season! I hope not. Avoiding temptation has never been my thing! Now Elijah has text me “Nice to see you!” No apology for being a cheap rude asshole. Nope! He thinks good looks and a big dick can get him out of anything. Not this time honey! Pussy shop is currently CLOSED! 🙌🏽 As a matter of fact, I get more and more dry every time Elijah speaks! This is why I prefer my men CUTE and MUTE! That’s why I stayed with the ex factor for so many years. He only spoke when he had something sensible to say. So somebody please tap Elijah on the shoulder and tell him to shut the fuck up! ✌🏾️ ~KJM on Hump Day asking if anyone else’s exes got cuffing season mixed up?!
Standing in the doorway…I suddenly stop. I am approaching a new season in my life. Before I fully enter into my new season, however, I pause to reflect on where I have been. Heartbreak hotel….with silver linings. Willow told me that one day I would say this and I would feel this way but I never expected it to happen so soon. I think she felt what I’m experiencing now when she married the love of her life. True love has yet to find me…though I am embarking on new adventures. Still this new feeling has made its home in me…unexpectedly. In this current moment, I am grateful to every boy that ever broke my heart or hurt my feelings because it has all lead to this awakening…this season of hope. Yes, every time I cried, was disappointed, or left bruised gave birth to this new season. Every time you didn’t say “I love you” or you neglected me…brought me to this moment. The times I asked you to stay with me longer and to choose me every step of the way…and you didn’t…brought me to this moment. The times you lied and were unfaithful…brought me to this moment. The times you directly or indirectly tried to put me down and hold me back from my dreams has brought me to this moment. Thank you to Julio, the ex factor, Elijah, and the rest for being great disappointments. It is because of these heart wrenching experiences that I won’t have to be the type of woman who settles for a man that she does not love nor one she doesn’t even want to touch her. I will never have to know what it’s like to sleep with the enemy again because I’ve already done that in my past and I survived. The enemy has no victory over me…for I still believe in ME! And in the most unexpected way…I still believe in love. What I was given was always less but I never fully accepted it. I moved on and started over and I will do that a million times until I feel like I am in the presence of man who isn’t trying to change me…who truly loves me for the complicated and intellectual woman I am. So thank you all for being my reminder of why a woman should never settle. Yes it is a new season and even when life surprises me during this beautiful journey…I shall wear my pain as a badge of honor and let it protect me as I stay open to a deeper and everlasting love of self and others. ~KJM counting down to my new season on Charm School Monday💜
Well it’s Throwback Thursday and of course, I’m going to go to a place where most women would like to avoid…loss of libido! I have always heard that many factors can contribute to a change in a woman’s libido like pregnancy and stress. When Elijah and I were dating, 98% of our relationship was sexless. I think this was because (a) we are both workaholics and (b) we argued all the time! I like a nice MUTE man! Yes you read that right. Why do you think the ex factor and I lasted for 5 years! He was handsome and fucking mute! Guys, you get laid more if you just shut the fuck up and agree with your woman or at least silently disagree. The ex factor, being 8.5 years younger than me, and I always had sex while dating…even if at times it felt like a routine. I really loved him and the only time I would withhold sex from him is if we were on a break. The ex factor and I had great chemistry but that was partly because he loves dominant women and I love to…well dominate! 🙌🏽 Elijah, on the other hand, was four years older than me and loved to be in control. I can’t get wet if I’m not in control of my sexual experience and that’s the damn truth! I don’t need to be in control all the time but I’m a rider! Ok maybe a little too much information! Lol. Well perhaps I shouldn’t stop here. My ending with Elijah killed what was left of my libido. I haven’t had sex since November and if I don’t have it for another couple years…I will be just fine. This is why the art of masturbation is so important for women. To most of the men I have dated, my G spot is hidden but for some reason my fingers always finds it in 30 seconds or less! 🙌🏽 The owner of my hair salon recently told me that she thinks I’m too good at pleasing myself that I’ve made men obsolete! This may be true! I’m at a point in my life where I would like to bump into true and everlasting love, companionship, and respect. Sex isn’t high up on my list. To be honest, a dog could give me love, respect, and companionship but my work schedule is too hectic to have a pet right now. 😂 Also, I’m currently trying to find a new job, new apartment, and just overall revamp my life! STRESS is everywhere! So my libido just went south and in not a good way! The one good thing is I’m able to date without my vagina responding to anyone. She’s got a big “DO NOT ENTER” sign on her and until I put up a “PROCEED WITH CAUTION” sign up…I’m able to focus on getting to know a guy better so I can pay attention to what he does verses what he says. I definitely miss my libido but at the same time it’s quite freeing to know…she only gets wet and climaxes for me!🙌🏽 ~KJM on Throwback Thursday saying someone out there do your spouse real good for me today! Lmfao! Ode to my libido! Lol
A few days ago, I read a letter that was submitted to the author Zane’s page. Let me start off by saying…I’ve no clue how old this woman is or what race she is and Zane did respond to her. I’ve decided to blog about this letter today because an even deeper issue that affects most women but that is literally killing black women at a faster rate was the hidden theme in the letter. Now let me back up. This woman said she’s been dating a man whom she waited to have sex with after four months of dating. Once they finally had sex, he told her he liked to have his salad tossed and claims to not be gay. She was uncomfortable with the idea of tossing anyone’s salad but still did it numerous times even with him not washing his ass and shit flying everywhere! At one point, he even stuck his finger in his ass, pulled out shit, made her suck his shitty finger, and then he climaxed! WHAT THE FUCK?! I got so turned off from reading this letter. I mean I’m trying not to judge but that shit (no pun intended) sounds nasty and unsanitary. Here’s the deeper issue for me: why do we as women do things that we are uncomfortable with and often times succumb to a man’s demands? Putting aside any type of abuse involved in a relationship, I’m discussing why would we willing let someone else destroy our mind, body, and spirit? Now I’m like any other woman…I’ve made some mistakes in life with who I dated and trusted with my body. I have dated two men (which I deeply regret) who I felt had disrespected my body when I entrusted them with it. Once when I was 20 and another time when I was 31 and on the rebound from the ex factor and allowed a male lunatic with female tendencies to enter my life! Both times I had to run and get checked out for all STDs, which by the way I do once a year since I was 20 years old with my annual Pap smear. I’ve had tests done even the years I was celibate! Since that scare I had at 20yrs old with a male hoe who liked to take off the condom during sex, I don’t play with my health! Both times, I was very hard on myself…especially the second time (when I was 31) because he wasn’t even a man I was attracted to! But I digress… Point being is we as women have to be proactive in making sure that men respect our bodies and making sure we only do what we are comfortable with. What I’ve found, over the years, is my two incidences are the norm for most women. We are out there risking our healths and afraid to speak up about our sexual preferences! But why? Men do it all the time. Now y’all know I’ve had one guy (the male lunatic with female tendencies that I briefly dated at 31) toss my salad. I never requested it! However, I did say it felt great but Kingston never returned the favor! Nor did he ask me to because like who the fuck does that? Side note…that tossed salad was my big red flag to RUN not walk out of that relationship because no other man I’ve ever been with ever suggested such a thing! Now back to this young (I’m hoping she’s young because some of us are too old to be making these mistakes) woman. Why would she willing eat shit to please a man? Plus she stated that they don’t use condoms! The HIV rate for black women is astonishing and depressing. There are many factors that contribute to the high rate. What’s crazy is that us (black women) simply engaging in sexual activity safely that we are comfortable with would help reduce the HIV rate for us! I’ve been on birth control since I was 21 and even the time I took off from taking it, I kept condoms in my bag everywhere I went….even in my celibate years. 98% of the time, my men were required to wear a condom even though I was on the pill and some of the time I did not disclose I was on the pill. Granted the 2% that I described in this blog could have killed me! And trust me no one punishes themselves like I do. After the situation when I was 31, I became obsessed with getting tested to the point I was getting tested for STDs every 3 months. It got to the point that both my GYN and my sister had to beg me to forgive myself for getting into a very dangerous and high risk relationship! I’m lucky I escaped that situation with not only my life but good health! To God be the glory! Ladies of all races, we have to do better with sticking up for ourselves and speaking our mind especially on important issues like our sexual/reproductive health. Don’t let a man have you eating shit (literally) and you sit their eating it like you are at a Golden Corral buffet. It’s one thing if you are into eating shit (wtf) but if you aren’t and a man is suggesting that’s what you must do to keep him…RUN! Let me leave you with some words of wisdom in case you are similarly situated as the woman in the Zane letter: Papa Michaels told me when I was five years old…“Drugs…don’t do it. Nobody looks good on drugs. And sex…if you are going to do it…make sure it’s always your idea because when those consequences come…you will be the one paying for it. So don’t let Pretty Ricky sweet talk you into doing things you don’t want to!” Now at 5 yrs old I had no fucking clue what he was taking about but he repeated it enough throughout my growing up that it stuck with me. I have made some mistakes along the way but most of the time I was in control of my sexual health. We women need to ALWAYS be in control of our sexual/reproductive health. Never let a man lead you astray. And let’s be honest, as in my situation when I was 31, ….Pretty Ricky ain’t always pretty. Sometimes he ugly as fuck with some money and job security! Lmfao! Don’t get got! Pop your pill and walk with condoms! Lastly, only engage in sexual activity you are comfortable with and expressly say what you are not comfortable with. If he’s truly a good man, he will respect your requests and your body! And if he doesn’t, get out of that relationship ASAP! Life is simply just too short to let someone else take hold of your mind, body, and soul like that! ~KJM on Hump Day asking…Is That Shit On The Bed?! Oh lawd….
I had an AMAZING weekend filled with partying and then…a FIRST date. As promised, I will share no details about this guy. My present dating life is now off limits but I did want to share some thoughts about dating. Let me start off by saying that I never expected this weekend to be as great as it was. I love unexpected fun days/weekends! It made me feel so alive to be partying it up in NYC with my girls while taking a few hours to experience a first. I’m not the kind of woman to ditch friends and family because of a man…this may explain why I’m currently single! Lol. But I have to be true to myself and I believe the man for me would want me to be free and love by choice not ultimatums! It was quite special to have the best of both worlds. Neither of those worlds collided with the other. When I was with my girls, I focused on them. And when I was with my date, I focused on him….closing the night out with my girls of course! First dates can be so nerve wrecking but this one left me feeling at ease and like myself. Right off the bat, we tackled a lot of tough questions. We come from two completely different worlds and are similar in almost none. Yet it was the best conversation I had ever had with a guy on a first date. No flirting…just talked about our life goals and even past relationships as we laughed. I think there were moments that I was a little too much myself! lol. Like discussing feminism right off the bat and my religious views. But what’s the point in hiding myself from someone? The older I get…the more I don’t have time for bull shit. We talked about what we were open to and what we weren’t open to. Elijah told me he was open to a lot of things…that in actuality he wasn’t! I want to learn from that experience and watch a man’s actions more than his words. Jesus, Commitment, and Pork are still my deal breakers. As our date went on, I ate what I felt like, drank what I felt like, and occasionally cursed like only a Jersey girl can…with finesse! And I thought…well if he’s turned off…life goes on. That’s when I had to stop myself. Why would I think I would be turning him off unless I was hoping to or even worse…trying to. I make no bones about being very comfortable in my single space. Single is who Kingston is even when she’s dating! I can only 100% commit to myself. Yet I try hard to push myself out of my comfort zone because no one in this world really wants to end up alone?! At least I hope not. Even if it’s in my 70s…the need for true companionship may be wanted or needed. At 34 years old, it certainly isn’t but life can change and people can change too…even me. So why the thoughts of pushing a good man away?! Maybe some of us say we want a good man but aren’t ready for one. Or maybe we have been so heartbroken that we no longer want to find true love. I honestly don’t know what the answer is for myself. I feel numb…completely numb. The ex factor and Elijah left me numb. When I’m numb I feel nothing. I can turn a 100 guys down in a month and not bat an eye. Now if I’m generally not interested, that’s fine. But if the goal is to push them away from fear of finding true love…I’m in trouble! One thing I can say is my date was the most respectable and nice guy I’ve ever been out with. In just one weekend, he did something for me that only one other guy I’ve dated ever has. And he went above and beyond. I don’t want to be afraid of the possible love of a good man so I definitely need to get my shit together. I can body slam (mentally/emotionally of course) a man who tries to break my heart but do I have what it takes to love without the games and pain? Only time will tell… ~KJM on Charm School Monday.
It is a myth that feminists are born into liberal households. As a matter of fact, many of us were brought up in very conservative thinking homes. Feminism is birthed by necessity and many of us who are trailblazers for our families…had no direction. I am the FIRST feminist that I know of on both sides of my family. Mama Michaels was brought up in what I consider to be a conservative religious cult. Her only sense of rebellion was fashion. She’s very liberal on fashion because she was raised to hate her body and being a woman. But her thinking is not too far from the thinking of her mother and her mother’s mother and so on. Almost on a weekly basis, we get into pro life and anti birth control arguments! I make no bones about the fact that I’m pro choice and I pop my pill like it’s bubble gum because I have the right to do so! I’m also the first person in my family that openly believes in LGBTQ rights! My views and my need to maintain my independence without having some man’s name behind mine has family members asking me if I’m a lesbian and when I say no…I get the “you are just too picky!” Surprisingly, it’s the women who show their lack of support the most! The men in my family may not always agree with my thinking and actions but will agree it’s never been done before so they respect it and protect it! It’s not easy being the first to have these radical ideals. Though I do not find them to be radical at all. I find my thoughts and actions to be sensible. Like teaching boys and men NOT TO RAPE verses teaching girls and women not to get raped! I never bought into the notions that women tempt men, a woman must be married to be happy, and a woman must have children to serve her ultimate purpose in life. I do support marriage but feel it should be defined by how each couple see’s fit. And if they don’t believe in it…well power to them. I’m down for children if it were so written in my destiny but I think the thing people find most annoying about me is that neither marriage nor children has me looking, searching, nor hoping. I’ve gotten my heart broken twice in my life and life went on…beautifully. I have been disappointed and even disappointed myself at times but I grew from each and every one of those experiences. I’m a firm believer in GOD’s plan…even when I get frustrated with Him. My love for my independence and travel doesn’t mean I’m less of a woman…it just means I’m a woman that no one can define but myself. There’s no road map to feminism and even within feminists, like anything else, we don’t always see eye to eye. No two feminists are alike. For me, feminism is beauty in freedom, being who we are destined to be naturally, and breaking barriers along the way that fulfill our true purpose in life. There are days when feminism can feel like a burden I carry. It’s not a popular way of thinking and living for a woman in any country. Sometimes I feel like the circus freak that people are watching just to see what I do next…waiting for my demise. But then it occurs to me that I’m the first one in my family! If I ever have children, I will not be passing on the thinking of women in the 1800s! I will be the first to do that! And I’m not independent by force or because I have no husband to support me…I’m independent by CHOICE. I believe in equality for women by CHOICE! And even in the moments when I’m being challenged by my mother and other women in my family, I remember that my sister Brenda is right there listening. I don’t want to fail the generation behind me. I want them to have options and to know that they deserve the life that they and only they choose to live. ~KJM on Flashback Friday.
There comes a time when we have to stop confusing love with obsession. A cockroach coming home is not love. It’s obsession! There’s something you provide that no other woman does and unfortunately, it’s usually something negative. Like allowing the boy to always come back and set up shop. Continuously opening our vaginal walls to a boy we know cannot be faithful. Or even worse…taking care of these boys like we are their mamas! If these boys want to grow into men…our love has to be strong enough to let them go. Let them find their own way. A true man has to be able to stand on his own two feet. And his word will always be his bond! Women, don’t let obsession get you all confused. The letting go process, while hard at times, should be freeing! Free yourselves to live out your dreams! Take your lives to new heights! There’s no more cycle to keep you trapped! Breathe life! ~KJM on Throwback Thursday.