It felt like parts of me had died these last couple days and I just wanted to stop writing. If I could no longer inspire you…why write? Willow told me that I don’t have the luxury of taking time off. The most she was giving me was a week because I’ve “God given talent.” Her words…not mine. Willow and Jael’s mother, Nicole, have encouraged me the most to start this blog and keep it going. One of them usually lights a fire under me when I want to give up. But sometimes I just get so disappointed in how my story is turning out. I’ve been in bed for two days now…unable to move. I’m writing this fucking blog in my pajamas and looking like I gave up on life. That’s how broken I feel. I love Elijah a lot. More than I ever thought I could love a man after suffering heartbreak from the ex factor. But Elijah rips everything I do apart. We argue over the smallest things because we are both fighting for control. Some of the negative things he’s done reminds me of Julio and the ex factor. I don’t know if it’s our past or if we are just temporarily having a miscommunication but he’s left me feeling…emotionally neglected. I’ve spent 5 years and 3 months loving a boy (the ex factor) that could not and would not love me. If there’s anything I’ve learned from that painful experience is I don’t want to spend five minutes in a relationship where real love and trust cannot exist. So as I laid in bed…sick and feeling like the world was laying on my shoulders…I did what I had not done in 1.5 years….I text Phoenix, my ex lover and friend wrapped up in the shape and form of a soulmate from another lifetime. The iPhone is a weird yet magical phone. When I got my first 6 back in July, it did not have memory of Phoenix’s deleted number. However, when that phone malfunctioned and I got another 6 in September, Phoenix’s number magically appeared. I never dared to use it though. He’s always been there to hold me when I break things off with Julio, the ex factor, or who ever else is stomping on my heart. But my final break up with the ex factor, I did it all on my own. I loved the ex factor until he himself had sucked all the love out of my heart. No man took me away from him. He destroyed us. Once I started dating Elijah, I didn’t think I would ever need Phoenix’s number again. But there I was in bed…texting Phoenix. I didn’t think for a second that he would respond. By now I figured he would be engaged to his daughter’s mother. I knew how important it was for him to be an active father and the last time I saw him in September 2014…he was just that. Didn’t think he would respond but he did right away and knew who he was talking to. I will say it again…I’m in love with Elijah but when I’m emotionally abandoned…the old me comes out. Alone is my comfort zone so it’s not that I can’t be alone. However, alone in love brings me to a level of vulnerability that I’m terrified of. Phoenix knows me well enough to know I would only reach out if my heart was in trouble. Sexy, intelligent, ambitious, and easy to talk to…Phoenix is every woman’s dream. From his dark chocolate skin to his pearly white teeth to his huge big black penis…I’m not sure how I never caught real feelings for Phoenix. He has been my mistress since 2004 on and off. From the day I first laid eyes on him in a Red Lobster in Maryland…Phoenix has always taken my breath away. The thing is though…even when he was 18 and I was 22, I always felt that we belonged with different people but he was my best kept secret. Always there to catch me mid climax and make me feel like I was flying. That’s what just one text from Phoenix does for me. He is my drug of choice. I can crave him, taste him, drink him, and lay in his arms after any hurt feelings between me and a current or ex suitor. He’s one of only two guys I feel completely comfortable with sexually! If there is something I don’t know how to do…he teaches me and is so patient with me. I’ve put on weight over the years and grew slightly insecure when I got hurt in love…but when I’m with Phoenix…none of that matters. I am beautiful and I am to be worshipped. Even if it’s just for a night, Phoenix subscribes to the church of Kingston and there’s nothing he would not do to take me to Mecca….with his dick. That’s Phoenix baby! Still a question lingers in my mind….even though he is not married, Phoenix is spoken for (and probably always been)….can I really openly sign up to be his mistress the way he has been mine over the years? Stay tuned for Phoenix’s rising…~KJM on Serenity Saturday saying I so desperately need to be wanted and worshipped.
Archives for February 2016
I need some time to regroup so that I can continue to inspire you all. This blog has been everything to me since September 2015. Due to unforeseen circumstances, I’m going to stop writing it and take care of me. I hope to be back by April 2016. One Love! ~KJM
There is a moment in time when we all get tired of being in the same place…a place of negative feelings. At that moment when you rise up…a distraction will most likely find you. If you want more out of life, the challenges become greater. The distraction can be a person, place, or thing. This blog focuses on when it’s a person. Come back in time with me to the end of May 2015… I had just relocated back to NJ in April and things seemed to be going pretty well with the ex factor. He had made me several promises at the end of December 2014 and I agreed to leave the past in the past. Little did I know that a storm was brewing and the past would be the least of my problems. In end of May, I went to Vegas for 6 days and had a blast. I treat myself very well! You have to because if you don’t…who will? Before the trip everything was great. I couldn’t have been anymore in love and even though the ex factor had gotten laid off from his first career job in March…we seem to be going strong. Finally, we were in a place of peace. I went on my trip and barely heard from him except on my actual birthday. I know my travels were hard on him because I could be everywhere easily….that he couldn’t. The weekend I came back, he was very sick from a serious hang over. So instead of privately celebrating my birthday, I watched him grab his stomach and complain of pain all weekend. Earlier on the Saturday, before meeting up with the ex factor, my mind ran on two of my friends in Richmond, Hope and Michele. I called Hope and checked up on her. Hope’s job had become very stressful so we discussed ways she could reduce her stress. At the end of my conversation with Hope, I mentioned that I needed to call Michele and see how she was doing as she just had ankle surgery in May. Hope told me that Michele was having a hard time being on crutches, staying at home for weeks to heal from the surgery, and was having a hard time accepting anyone’s help. I told Hope that I would check in on Michele on Sunday…the next day. To this day, I don’t know why when I hung up with Hope that I didn’t call Michele right then and there. I will always regret not doing that. And so the weekend went on and I spent most of it watching the ex factor sleep or wake up in pain. To top it off, a bad storm had come through from the west so my parents were stuck in the Midwest and one of my cousin’s was being rerouted mid air from her California flight. So many distractions on that Sunday that I forgot to call Michele. On the Monday, I was going to group text Hope, Michele, and some of my other Richmond friends but once again forgot. Life is so weird. You think you have a million more moments with a person only to realize that the last time you saw them or heard from them…would really be the last time! That Thursday, Michele unexpectedly passed away and I was devastated. I replayed the entire weekend in my mind hundreds of times and I’m forever sorry that I didn’t just pick up the phone and call her when she was heavy on my mind. The world had distracted me and my heart would forever pay for it. I was so distracted with the ex factor that I missed the signs God was giving me that He was going to call my friend home. Distractions happen in life but when you are on the course of being a better person, try your best to stay focused. After Michele’s death, I emotionally fell apart. No matter how I tried to explain to the ex factor the pain I felt…he did not know how to be there for me. That June became the beginning of the end for the ex factor and I. I could no longer be the person I use to be and pretend I didn’t see the destruction surrounding us. Michele’s death gave me the strength to get focused and get rid of the unnecessary distractions in my life…like the ex factor. What distractions do you currently have in your life? What do you plan on doing to get focused? Starting this blog in September 2015, Michele’s birthday month, was the beginning of me getting my life on track. I hope and pray that I inspire you to do the same! ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. May my words put movement in your heart, mind, and feet!
I hope what you get from my blog is I tried. I honestly tried to be open to love. The road wasn’t easy and I will never be the type of person to lie to you and tell you I knew he was the one right away. I don’t talk about dream like love. I’m knee deep in shit at times and want to give up everyday! It’s the hardest task I’ve ever taken on. At times I get tired of hearing be patient. I know I spoke of why “the wait” is so important but come on now…many times we just get fucking tired of waiting! I’m just having one of those days where I’m confused and lying knee deep in shit. Fairytales don’t exist here. I hope you get that from my blog. If I ever get to where I need to be…it was messy, ugly, and painful. It was not some perfect love story. And I’m exhausted all the time. This blog keeps me going. Never forget that there is hope in the most hopeless places. ~KJM on Charm School Monday
So much lies in our past. From the way we grew up to the way we first fell in and out of love, the past can explain present struggles. Lately Elijah will say negative things (unbeknownst to him) that triggers things Julio directly said to me and things the ex factor indirectly and passive aggressively expressed. I don’t know if it’s because I’m older now or because I’m so scarred that my past seems to be nipping at my heels. Elijah and I are always having these power struggles just like I did with all the rest. Why must these men try to “tame the shrew?” Everyone is always trying to change me and mold me into something I can’t be…won’t be…and don’t want to be. I want to be in love yet maintain my individual identity. If I have a family, I don’t want to make them my whole world! I want to still belong to myself every step of the way. I was born who I was meant to be and I’m in love with that person…in all her rawness and talent. Why can’t these men feel the same about me? Starting with Julio, I’m always constantly being told I’m not good enough. When someone puts you down know it has very little to do with you and everything to do with them. This is one of the reasons why I never wanted children with Julio. I would never want my children to see their mother constantly being belittled everyday by their father. This thought led me to an even more deeper revelation about my past. I stayed with the ex factor for 5 years (on and off) not for what he could be to me but for what he could be to our children! Wait let me back it up…in case I’m losing you. My stance on children is if my future husband wants them, we will have them but if he doesn’t I’m cool with that too. I’ve always said I do not have a biological need to be pregnant. But once I consider seriously dating a man and he expresses he wants children, I try to envision if I could bless him with the biggest gift life has to offer. With Julio the answer was hell no and will always be so. I want him no where near my womb! For the ex factor, I (for the first time in my life) could see our three children. I could see him being a great father and that coupled with his 26 year old young sperm would allow us to have a beautiful big family. The ex factor, from what I hear from my sister Brenda, was raised by two wonderful and loving parents. Everyone in his family pitches in for the greater good of the family as a whole. So I stayed for 5 years and 3 months for my children! That thought alone comforts me to no end on why I would allow myself to be treated terribly by the ex factor. While having children is not a must for me…the moment I could envision them with a man….it’s my job as their future mother to protect them even before conception. Ladies, please keep that in mind! It’s our job to protect our wombs even before conception! I was once told by an older woman who was on her second marriage that you never know a man until you have children for him. He could spend 10 years loving you and doting on you but once children are born that same man may walk away from his own DNA as if they were complete strangers! Ouch! Because Papa Michaels has been an imperfect loving, caring, and active father, I would want my children to have the same! There were no gender roles in my house. Whatever parent was home took care of the children. Papa Michaels was the most efficient parent. I grew up with him ironing my uniforms (that’s why I suck at ironing lol), making all my meals, and him setting my bedtime only to check on me to make sure I was actually sleeping. Both of my parents worked 12-16 hours a day to provide though my dad had a more flexible schedule. I asked Papa Michaels if he enjoyed being a none traditional active father and he said yes. He loved providing for his family and building his family up from the inside out! Oh my I’m so blessed to have him as my father! The love I see in his eyes for me…I don’t know if I will ever see such a thing in anyone else. And maybe that’s why me and my womb have a hard time committing! I know there is no such thing as perfection but I want something damn close! For all his faults as a husband, Papa Michaels is one hell of a father. After all, he raised me! 🙌🏽 My friend, Grace, recently told me that when you are an independent woman with no kids and have a career, men know you can afford to be picky. With that being said, what made me stay with one man (the future of my children) may be the same reason I can leave one without batting an eye. I have no plans of giving up my independence and becoming barefoot and pregnant! Fuck that! So if Elijah really loves me…it’s my womb he needs to impress. A dick can’t impress my womb and neither does a man who can provide since I can provide for myself. He needs to come correct and prove to me that he’s worth me blessing him with generations to come! 🙌🏽 Sins of the past can tell us so much about our present and possibly our future. My future is worth being picky about. My womb is still worth protecting. I will hold out until it feels close to perfect. And if it never does….it was all worth the risk to either give my future children an amazing father or keep them safe and sound in my womb and let my siblings carry on the Michaels name! ~KJM on Charm School Monday
Moist…breakthrough…taste me…I want you. It’s been 3 months since Elijah and I had these moments. Freshly dating, we did become intimate rather quickly. On our third (and last) encounter, we had a few awkward moments. It just felt like I was some place else. I could see him and I could feel him but something seemed off. Typically I like a 3-6 months gap to tighten my pussy before having sex with a man I care about. It’s my time to get to know him, develop feelings, and decide if I really want him to enter me. Because I left the ex factor rather suddenly and unexpectedly, I really didn’t have time to prepare for anything or anyone. Truth be told, I wanted to take a year off from dating anyone. I’ve done this in the past. At 22 this would be a sexy and independent idea but at 34 it’s a dangerous game to play…especially if I’m still open to having kids. Now I don’t believe in a woman’s biological clock controlling her life but I’m also no fool. It is a huge factor when dating in your 30s (at least for a woman). Even more suddenly and unexpectedly, Elijah introduced himself to me 3 weeks before I broke things off with the ex factor. It’s a good time to say “Jesus, commitment, and pork!” If you don’t know what I’m referring to….see my earlier blogs of the day I met Elijah. He had to be open to all 3 things for me to consider dating him. And so the story began…Elijah and I that is. Back to our last moment of passion…in the midst of this awkward moment, I reminded Elijah that I have never been able to fall in love through sex. If he wanted my heart, the physical was not going to be the way to do it. He had to decide…did he want my heart (which will lead him to all of me) or my body (which will only lead to my body…the limited time edition that is)? I’m not sure if he purposely made that decision back in November or if the fact he works 7 days a week and I work 6 days played a huge role…but here we are three months later and still no sex. In that time, Elijah told me he loved me and I expressed the same. For me, not having sex helped me to see Elijah and myself clearly. New Years Eve (11 days before Elijah told me he loved me), I went to Maryland to ring in the new year with a close college friend, her son, and her mom. It was during those 4 days in MD I realized that Elijah meant a lot to me and that I better actively shed my past in 2016. That’s the thing about not giving yourself time to heal or not having time to heal….you take skeletons with you into your new relationship. While sex is a huge part of intimacy and I would never down play its importance…for us…not making it the central focus of what we are to each other worked. I AM HIS and this time period reinforced that. When we finally have sex…it will be making love. As I’ve said many times before, Elijah is the first man that made love to me a million times in my dreams before ever touching me. I can feel him…sense him…taste him from thousands of miles away. I will leave you with the words of the great Celine Dion… “I want to be the face you see when you close your eyes I want to be the touch you need every single night I want to be your fantasy And be your reality And everything between I want you to need me Like the air you breathe I want you to feel me In everything I want you to see me In your every dream The way that I taste you feel you breathe you need you I want you to need me Like I need you I want to be the eyes that look deep into your soul I want to be the world to you I just want it all I want to be your deepest kiss The answer to your every wish I’m all you ever need More than you could know And I need you To never never let me go And I need to be deep inside your heart I just want to be everywhere you are…. I want to be the face you see when you close your eyes I want to be the touch you need every single night I want to be your fantasy And be your reality And everything between” ~KJM is so in love on Flashback Friday❤️
I know it’s been a while since you have heard from me. Lots have been going on but I have not abandoned my readers. After my final love letter to the ex factor….I officially entered “the wait.” This is a time period where one feels ready to excel but only GOD can put them in motion. Until then, we are patiently waiting and preparing ourselves. Some people forever stay in “the wait” stage. In order for you to understand why, let me be clear on something…the waiting period is a time to strengthen your faith…not doubt God. If you doubt His ability, He will keep you waiting. Common mistakes people make in this time period are to get jealous of others’ success, get bitter, get angry, and constantly compare their lives to others. The wait is different for each person. With it comes many test and testimonies. It’s the time when you learn what kind of spouse, family member, boss, and friend you were meant to be amongst other things. It is a time to be humble. A time of prayer and meditation. If you let any type of negative energy consume you…you may forever be…waiting. The wait is not for the tired and weary. It’s for the energized and faithful spirits. Sometimes you may be called to abandon everything you once held dear to you and TRUST that GOD’s promise to you is greater than anything you dreamed up. I woke up two days ago with my heart full and smiling. Patience is my weakness but once I acknowledged that I am in the waiting period…I’ve no choice but to patiently wait. He is an “on time God” which is almost never to be an on our time God. So I wait and I pray and I hope and I keep the faith….and I smile. Won’t you join me in “the wait?” ~KJM on Throwback Thursday saying thanks for waiting on me to write this blog😘
Today is Valentine’s Day 2016 and I can’t help but remember where I was this time last year. I woke up that morning with you and before I part with those memories, I would like to write my last love letter to you my dear ex factor. For 5 years and 3 months I loved you and only you. We met when I was 29 and you were 20. Though the odds were always against us…I took the risk and I loved you with all of me. I could see us being married and my stomach growing with your seeds. Though at times the weight gain and swelling of my feet made me sad, I would touch my belly and remember that I did it all for you and our family. I loved you enough to dream up a life I never dared to dream prior to you. I could see our three children running around the house with our three dogs. I could feel things I’ve never felt before. Even though I still have a love/hate relationship with you, I want you to know that YOU WERE LOVED! From the sparkle in your brown eyes to the smile on your face…I loved every inch of you. Even when you crushed my spirit, I loved you enough not to hurt you back. Although we have parted ways and have moved on…I couldn’t resist writing this final love letter. You are the risk I sometimes regret taking but in the same breath am happy I took. I miss your easy laughter and days of lovemaking. I miss all our nights at our favorite place. I miss all the sweet conversations we had in the hot tubs. We watched so many movies together. I miss making out with you like teenagers in the movie theaters. I miss all the days and nights we hung out by the Tappan Zee bridge. I miss days turning into nights which turned into mornings. I miss you and pray that things are going well for you. My love for you will forever make me angry and cause me to smile in the same moment. The life we will never have will forever saddened me but at least we both finally have a chance to find a love we can finally believe in…in other people. Thank you for the kind moments and soft kisses. Thank you for teaching me how to love…when I was not loved in return. Thank you, dear ex factor, for I’m now free to love and be loved. With all the love I once had in my heart for you, Kingston. ~KJM on this Valentine’s Day Sunday!
I don’t know what’s in the air but lately I’ve been second guessing myself. Elijah, out of all my men, has his shit together and can talk about the future without breaking into sweats. He’s also the first MAN I’ve dated. Spent so much time with boys that it didn’t occur to me that real single men exist. I’ve one main concern about him which I will keep private because it’s really between he and I. Last night, I was up talking to Willow about him and she gave me some good advice though I’m not sure I’m ready to take it. That Willow is always a champion of love! I envy the Pisces woman’s ability to make loving a man look like strength instead of weakness. While the Gemini woman struggles to be vulnerable, the Pisces woman makes it look like the thing to do! That’s why they balance us out so well! Did you guys know that relationships take lots of work?! It’s exhausting at times but when I think of where I’ve been I’m so happy with where I currently am! Amen! Still my past haunts me. There were early warning signs for many of the issues that ended my longest relationships. The ex factor blindsided me with a few until I was deeply in love with him but in general the things that separated us did rear their ugly heads the first 6 months into this situationship. Julio was a mess from the jump but like most women in my family, l held onto the first man I slept with because it was tradition to keep him around and then marry him. Thank goodness for growing up in the U.S. Had it not been for my education, violent upbringing (sad to give that any credit but knowledge is power), and my need to be independent, Julio’s controlling, unsupportive, and disrespectful ways might have gone unnoticed and I may have really married that fool! Shout out to the GREAT Pennsylvania State University for giving me an education and my freedom! WE ARE! PENN STATE! Julio always said that was his breaking point…when I chose to go to a great school out of state! I’ve no regrets about choosing Penn State over Julio! I will always love PSU, while for almost a decade I’ve been screaming, “Julio who?!” If there are any young women out there…trying to decide between a boy and their education…choose your education!!!! There is freedom in learning. No man can ever take that away from you. 🙌🏽 Back to the issue at hand, warning signs. It haunts me the amount of them that I overlooked with Julio and the ex factor. That’s almost 19 wasted years! I cringe just thinking about it. To all the young women reading this blog, please pay attention to early warning signs in your relationships. Pay attention to deal breakers and moments when you feel you have compromised yourself. Please remember though…there is a thin line between warning signs and looking for signs. They always say if you go looking for trouble, you will find it. Fight the urge to sabotage your own happiness. I think that’s what I’m trying to figure out with Elijah….am I seeing a warning sign/deal breaker or did Julio’s negative phone call from last week….have me looking for trouble? I’m trying so hard to not breathe negativity and just love. All I can do is follow my gut. Stay tuned….~KJM on Flashback Friday saying we all deserve happiness. Before we sabotage it, let’s learn the difference between a warning sign and looking for issues. The struggle is real….
Our hands meet and each time it feels awesome! Elijah kisses me so intensely that it feels like he has been waiting years to taste my lips. Even when he annoys me, I feel at home with him. Like I could share all my secrets and he wouldn’t judge me for any of it. But as time goes on, I get nervous. My previous track record with Julio, the ex factor, and the rest of those fools seems to be haunting me. And when I read articles on Star Jones, Terri McMillan, Tasha Smith, and Sherri Shepherd who all entered into deceitful marriages thinking they found love, chills go up and down my spine. While I’m not famous and am younger than them…I still worry that because I’m not in my 20s, my radar may be off. But wait….I wish I could erase almost every boy I dated in my 20s (and early 30s for that matter). So that leaves me with the question, how do you know you have truly found the one? I’ve had many people ask if Elijah is MY ONE?! I know that he is different from the rest and appears to be very patient with me but this could just be his honeymoon face. The thought of the one is nerve wracking! Who is he? When do you know for sure? How do you know you have found the real deal? Or is it just a risk we have to be willing to take each time? Is the heart even strong enough to do so? ~KJM on Throwback Thursday saying those of you that have found the one…please share how you knew💙