It’s Serenity Saturday! Time to recharge and regroup! This week has been so emotionally draining for me. I’ve had to confront old and new feelings…in the midst of trying to grow as a person. And I’m just exhausted! Feelings are not really my thing. I avoid them at all cost. But since Elijah has told me he loves me and I know I’m falling for him…here comes the complicated feelings. I never in a million years thought I would be in this place so soon after getting my heart massacred by the ex factor. They always say…we have our plans and God has His!🙏🏽 God’s vision will always be greater than our sweetest dreams!🙌🏽 And I believe it. It’s just as humans we don’t always feel ready to live out our purpose. It’s just too soon I keep thinking. How did I get here? And it’s a difficult place to be at such an unexpected time. While my broken heart has begun to heal, I’m afraid to trust Elijah with it. After all, I gave it away for 5 years and during that time my heart was not in a safe place. It had been “fumbled” and I had lost my way. I’m still trying to find my way. My Serenity Saturday gift to myself is to spend the day reflecting on the things I love about Elijah…and the things I love about myself since he’s been in my life. If you are out there and having some of the same issues….or you have been there in the past and have conquered love…please take some time to do the same. Love for those of us trying to find our way. Trust for those of us that have never been able to trust. And have faith that we will all find our way to a true and everlasting love! ~KJM saying…Happy Serenity Saturday! Be kind to your mind, body, and spirit 😘
Archives for January 2016
I wrote this early September 2015…before I left the ex factor. It was meant to be my first blog but then I decided against it. I wanted to introduce myself in a way where pain didn’t define me so I’ve been making you climax ever since! Lol. But in true Gemini fashion….there are many sides to me. FLASHBACK: Time and time again, I read articles that say that you will find yourself in many disrespectful situations because you do not know your self worth! Meme after meme stating that if someone cares for you they will do this and that and if they don’t…you have lost yourself. Some articles say that you straight up need JESUS! Well I know Jesus and I am in love with myself yet I am in the valley of self destruction!I am here to tell you that even if you have FAITH and you truly love yourself, storms will come! People will fail you! Your heart will be broken! Knowing Jesus and your self worth will not keep you out of the valley of self destruction but it will guide you through it! And you will thrive! So be easy on yourself.
No matter your faith, believe in some higher power than yourself. The valley will eat you alive if you are a nonbeliever. Eat your soul alive as your spirit leaves your human body. You see…you cannot rely on the human flesh….it was meant to perish.
What’s in this valley? Tear stained pillow cases and moments of regret. Always asking God…why me? These last couple of years, my heart has been crushed. I long for the days when they were in love and I was just in like. Long for the days where only I could entice myself. Where my next journey was more important to me than romantic conquests. I miss being numb. But now I am in the valley and the way out is unclear. So I pray and I pray….1st Corinthians Ch 13. And I pray for protection.
You don’t always enter the valley knowingly nor willingly. I did not see it coming. Think I made a wrong turn. How do I get out? Prayer, pushing forward, and taking each painful moment as a blessing that will make me stronger in life.
I did everything “right” yet I am here…in the valley. I wonder if he even sees that I am self destructing. I don’t think he sees me or cares to see the pain. Maybe the memes and articles are right? But they can’t be! I am thriving in every other area of my life and am a fairly happy person. I wasn’t raised to make romantic love the center of my life. But the corner of my life it lives in is falling apart. He won’t break me….he can’t break me because I will be delivered from this.
Contrary to popular belief, the valley is not for the weak. Where do you think prayer and self worth are needed the most? In that same valley. I know I will make it to the top of the highest hill and I will soar! I will be a better person for visiting this place and no one will ever dare suggest to me again that I don’t know my own self worth or that I don’t know Jesus. I know both and have faith that I will make it! You will too!
Stay blessed and most importantly, stay inspired! ~KJM on Flashback Friday saying thank you for reading!
Deep down inside I still think it’s my fault. My fault he didn’t treat me well. My fault he didn’t love me. My fault that I stayed so long. Deep down inside I live with the shame that I put so much into someone that thought so little of me. Deep down inside part of me still doesn’t think I deserve happiness. I punish myself day in and day out for all 5 years and 3 months with the ex factor. I feel like I walked through fire and instead of coming out feeling blessed to be alive…I feel charred and burnt. All I see are the scars…not the victory….of finally getting out. Growing up, no one ever told me that even when you love yourself, you will make a million wrong turns in love and each wrong turn will attack your self esteem but that doesn’t mean you are a victim! It doesn’t mean you can’t reclaim your life. It doesn’t mean you were created to drown by the hands of another. Deep down inside, my mind knows it was not all my fault…but try telling that to my heart. Elijah has been in my life for months now and while he has his own issues…I haven’t allowed myself one entire day to be happy with him. It’s the ultimate punishment for my past…to let the opportunity of true love pass me by. Every day is a struggle for Elijah and I. It’s like I’ve set up an obstacle course filled with daggers, rings of fire, and quick sand…and if Elijah doesn’t get through all of them…we won’t make it. Hell…he might have an obstacle course set up for me too. And so we fail each other…every day. Why would we do this? Maybe it’s because…deep down inside…we don’t feel we deserve love. Deep down inside. I’m buried deep down inside. I’m drowning, I’m struggling, and I’m fighting…to pick up the pieces. So much lives in me…deep down inside. ~KJM on Flashback Friday
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and whether you celebrate it or not….there’s one undeniable truth…many of us are just hanging by the hair of our “chinny chin chins” in bad relationships or know someone who is! In previous blogs, I’ve described men we all need to stay away from….like the cheater and the abuser. This blog, however, focuses on the relationships where nothing seems wrong at first glance but nothing feels right either. You are in a state of mediocrity. We’ve all been there though some of y’all even married that mediocre man. Here are some reasons why we didn’t want to dump him and tried to settle for mediocrity:
8. HE CAN COOK HIS ASS OFF! Contrary to popular belief, food is also a good way to a woman’s heart! I choose not to cook so when I meet a man who can…well let’s just say breaking up is hard to do…over some jerk chicken and rice! Meal after meal though…it occurs to me that he has to go! So 15 gained pounds later…I break it off…right after eating a juicy well done steak with potatoes😩
7. WE JUST WANT TO AVOID HAVING TO BREAK UP WITH HIM! Tiffany once dated a guy she met online for months because she just didn’t have the heart to break up with him. Crazy thing is she hated going on dates with him and would cringe every time she received a text from him. In his mind, he thought he found his wife. What he really found was someone that was just trying to be nice and tolerate him. It’s all a waste of time if you ask me. Just dump him and move on. You both deserve the opportunity to find someone who loves you. Set that mediocre man free!
6. HE HAS MONEY! I’ve heard this one before and I get confused. Financial stability is important in a relationship but can you have sex with, give birth to, and raise his money?! There’s a cost for everything in life so if you see dollar signs just remember it may be coming from Satan…in gasoline draws…waiting to drag your ass to hell… disguised as financial stability!
5. WE LOVE HIS FAMILY! There’s nothing like dating a man with a wonderful family but at the end of the day you are not marrying nor dating his family. Behind closed doors, it’s just you and him. Break up with this mediocre man! His family is meant to be in laws for another woman. I know you are going to miss his mama’s baked mac and cheese on Sundays but it’s for the best. Get that recipe though before you break things off!✌🏾
4. HE IS DOING AN EXCELLENT JOB RAISING YOUR CHILDREN (WHO ARE NOT HIS)! Ugh. This one is difficult. I believe every child deserves a positive father figure but if you know you are going to cheat on him because he is not a good fit for you but is great with your kids…let this mediocre man go! In the long run, you are just going to hurt all parties involved. If he’s a good man, you are blocking his blessings and if you are blocking his blessings that means you are also blocking yours! The truth will set you free! Give yourself and your children a chance at true and everlasting love from a man who you want to be permanently invested in!
3. HE DOES EVERYTHING WE ASK HIM TO! Well what are you doing for him? You are just wasting his time and it’s just not a good look. Don’t be a user! Remember KARMA is a bitch! What goes around always comes back around so break it off now!
2. WE DON’T WANT TO BE ALONE! Yikes! I’ve heard this one the most. Being alone can be tough at times but just allowing someone to take up space in your mind, body, and spirit is draining. Save all that care and good sex for your future spouse! When you waste his time, you waste yours too…and then alone is for sure right around the corner anyways! Learn to love your alone time while you have it. Speed date if need be but avoid getting serious with someone you know deep down inside isn’t the right one for you. Time to have that conversation with yourself first and then him.
1. HE GIVES A GOOD TOSSED SALAD! Now you know I love a good tossed salad! Lol. But seriously, we can’t date a man for a long period of time because he eats our ass well and/or puts it down in the bedroom! I really want to give you the green light on this one but it’s just not right. I’m hoping and praying he doesn’t eat every woman’s ass…which means he’s probably serious about you. Don’t give him false hope…only to climax and not even want to call him back later. Break it off! Well maybe allow him to toss your salad one more time and then break it off 😇 ~KJM on Throwback Thursday saying you should have dumped him long ago!
Let me start off by saying that this is the one topic I shy away from. Every time it comes up, I want to crawl under the earth. And no it’s not because I’m some sort of religious freak…it’s because I suck at it! 😩 There are so many areas in the bedroom that I excel in but like most students…you can’t get an A plus in everything. Getting a D hurts my feelings though. 😭 As my feelings get deeper for Elijah, I think about how I want to increase our sexual experience. I want to please and be pleased. Right now he probably thinks I’m not open to head but that’s further from the truth. I’m just waiting for the right time to discuss my concerns with him. And lawd knows by discussing it openly with my readers first, I run the risk of my parents reading this. To them I say…you did not waste your money on 13 years of Catholic school! Jesus was out there preaching to the pimps and hoes so I’m pretty sure the blow job existed BC (before Christ). HE had to deal with the topic and so do I! And if you read this in detail, I’m pretty sure Mama Michaels is disgusted (she is one of those undercover freaks who pretend to be Jesus’ cousin) and Papa Michaels is thinking…’well this is TMI but at least I know my daughter isn’t selfish!’ Lol! Ok before I lose my nerve…let’s bravely go where most of you dare not…lets talk openly about 15 HARD facts about the little blow job that could…my journey into giving Elijah the perfect blow job!
15. JULIO WAS THE FIRST! As most of you know, Julio and I lost our virginities to each other my second semester of college…almost 3 years into dating. He has been my first for almost everything. Coincidentally, he was the first guy to indicate I sucked at giving head. No pun intended. We slept with each other on and off January 2000-January 2010. Later on in life, Julio became one of two guys who enjoyed my blow job. Because we were each other’s first…I hope he would agree with me here…what he had on his body was meant for me to explore and what I had was for him. It felt like that for a long time until I met and fell in love with the ex factor in June 2010.
14. PHOENIX PUT ME ON TO BLOW JOBS! While Julio was my first, when I met Phoenix in Maryland…my first year after graduating from college…he turned me out. Julio and Phoenix make up all my first sexual experiences except multiple orgasms and that tossed salad fiasco! Lmfao! Up until 2015, Phoenix and I had an on and off again friendship from January 2004-September 2014. I could open up to him sexually in a way I thought I could only do with Julio. Plus Phoenix is a freak! He taught me so much about my body and he was so patient. Four years younger than me, Phoenix had the makings of a porn star and the mind of a doctor! I’m forever grateful for the times he held me and tried to fuck my broken heart away. Baby boy, I hope you are doing well in your new career, parenthood, and love😘
13. I DO NOT SUCK MOST DUDES’ DICKS! I’m very selective about my sex partners…though every now and then I make some bad choices! Not every man I slept with…got a blow job from me. Fellatio to me is a sign of trust (yea I know some of y’all suck dick like you pop tic tacs…no judgement here but that’s just not me). I have to feel like I care about the guy, trust him, and an open to exploring him.
12. THE EX FACTOR WAS WEIRD ABOUT HEAD! Part of why I need a remedial head class was the last guy I dated on and off for 5 years. He didn’t eat pussy (typical Jamaican man…though I know some that do! Lol) and since that’s not my favorite thing (though now I need it in my life) I never brought it up. Even worse, he had this thing that if I gave him head…I couldn’t kiss him after! What the fuck?! I should never have sucked his dick but unfortunately he explained this to me while I was going down on him! What a fucking turn off! So during the 5 years I hardly gave him head…especially once I felt like he was seeing other women. I just stopped venturing down there. It’s funny because I use to think the ex factor and I had a great sex life but In actuality it was terrible for me! I did all the work, he never ate my pussy, and he was the only one cuming! I’m dry just thinking about it! FYI the ex factor claimed he asked some of his male friends and they said they didn’t let women kiss them after blow jobs! Yea ok…they lied to him! They probably tasted their own cum so many times they had a recipe for how they wanted it prepared! ✌🏾
11. MY SISTER BRENDA’S ADVICE PART 1! That’s right…shit is so bad my baby sister is giving me tips on sucking dick! Brenda says I’ve to aggressively stare at the penis and Elijah in their face as I perform fellatio! Ok I’m going to throw up now! Why the fuck I got to stare at the penis aggressively?! Is the penis going to fight me? And I kind of like to hide under the covers while I perform😇
10. I HAVE SEEN THE LOOK OF BOREDOM ON GUYS’ FACES AS I GIVE HEAD! Ugh. I try to get it over with quickly! Every now and then I would look up and he looked like he was about to fall asleep! I didn’t lose my cool. I just moved on to my other tricks that made their eyes roll in the back of their heads. I’m a rider and I’m a pleasure is pain woman when with the right open partner. Head though…ugh! I’m behind!
9. DID I MISS SOME SUCK DICK CLASS? Every woman I talk to…including my sister, Brenda, says they are great at blow jobs! Where was I when that class was taught?! No seriously…I’ve always been a good student! Can I get a make up class?!
8. I WANT TO GIVE ONLY ELIJAH TRUE PLEASURE! While I’ve always known my head game was an issue…I only recently started to get seriously worried! I just want to learn how to do it the way Elijah likes!
7. NO TWO BLOW JOBS ARE CREATED EQUAL! Even though I’m behind in the times, I know that no two men like their dick sucked the same way. Hence why some men enjoyed my job and many others didn’t!
6. BRENDA’S ADVICE PART 2! My sister says I should watch porn hub to get ideas. What the fuck is porn hub? I’m up on the facebooks, instagrams, and even snap chat…yet someone forgot to tell me to subscribe to porn hub? Will this really help?
5. SWALLOWING! Julio’s daily average cum could fill up two red cups! Ugh…so through that experience I learned that swallowing should just be a treat. I’ve done it only a few times….FUCK I don’t even like to drink milk and I hate mayonnaise! Surprisingly, I get a standing ovation when I swallow. Ugh…I try not to leave a drop…😇 I think of it like vodka shots. If you let the vodka hit your tongue on the first shot, you won’t be able to do shots all night. That shit has to hit the back of your throat and you swallow. Also, other ingredients help like whipped cream or my favorite with Phoenix…pancake syrup! Lol. Don’t knock it until you try it!
4. BALLS! What to do with balls to increase the experience? Phoenix had some of the biggest balls I’ve ever seen. They looked like the balls of a horse! I tried to lick around them but then I just got so fucking tired! Still…I know that balls are a part of the process! Just can’t avoid them!
3. THE ZONE BETWEEN BALLS AND THE ASSHOLE…BRENDA’S ADVICE PART 3! Everyone including Brenda knows about this area but me. I’ve been told time and time again that when a man is close to climaxing that I should gentle put my thumb in this area! What the fuck….I’ve a gel manicure! Are women out there really doing this? Does it increase his climax? Inquiring thumbs want to know!
2. MY FRIENDS’ ADVICE! Willow has these beautiful full lips so I know she doesn’t have an issue in this area. Grace, one of two of my married female friends that I go to for relationship advice…who is married with 2 kids in FL (shit that was a lot to say), says her husband is the only man she has ever given fellatio to. She says he’s patient as she learns how to do it. I hope Elijah will be patient too because I’m challenged! And lastly, Tiffany (you remember her from my online dating article), says she excels in this area but not riding (being on top)! I guess every woman has something she needs to perfect! We tried to swop sex advice like we were swopping recipes😳😐 Seriously…what is this world coming to? Ok now I’m traumatized!
1. THE NO TEETH MINI EDITION! Number 1 rule is no teeth! Even I know that…even though some men like a little teeth when they are feeling extra freaky! Still though…so much goes into giving a good blow job😒 ~KJM on Hump Day saying sucking dick ain’t easy. Do it right, get it wet, put pressure on that weird zone between the balls and the asshole, and swallow…don’t spit and then…fucking repeat! Wtf! Taking the SATs was way easier! FML!
My official dating life started when I was almost 16 years old. I met my first love, Julio, and it was a wrap. Love at first sight had taken over my life. What I did not foresee, however, were the highs and lows of dating. I did not know that under this calm, cool, and collected skin…was an angry bitch! Not only would I get angry but I had this bad habit of letting dudes know in the middle of the night. First it was with 2am phone calls, then handwritten letters mailed to his mama’s house, then it was through email, then through instant messaging (AIM), and the worst of them all, these motherfuckers created…TEXT MESSAGES! Ugh. I never threatened anyone but I always reminded them that they were getting their annual “you ain’t shit reminder” brought to them by…ME! Ugh again!
Looking back, there were so many times I regretted not taking the high road in relationships. But fuck it…I would be lying if I didn’t admit…there were also times it felt fucking great to tell a “aint shit dude” where to go! LOL. Seriously though, if you want to one day be a good spouse for someone, you have to learn to control your emotions. 2015 was the year I mastered this lesson despite having two personalities (I am a Gemini). Here are some of the times I should have taken the high road but instead found myself chilling on the low road (unhappily):
7. THE TIME HE IGNORED ME! I do not know why guys do this…but sometimes they ignore us and leave us feeling like we did something wrong. At first, I am worried about him but as time goes on my other personality starts to ask…I know he isn’t trying to play us? From there I start crying, then I get mad that he made me cry, and before you know it, I am sending him a full blown fuck you email! Yikes! The issue with this is…we have no clue why they are ignoring us. His grandmother could have just died! Fuck My Life! How I Could Have Taken The High Road: Be patient and wait for him to reach out to you. Something terrible could have seriously happened and you could have just added to it. Patience, while I hate it, is needed in any good relationship. Not to mention…we have to check our egos because as you may know…not everything is about you boo!
6. THE TIME HE DID NOT COMMUNICATE IN A MANNER I FOUND ACCEPTABLE! Women and men really do communicate differently. That difference in communication can be so challenging in our relationships. We pour our hearts out to men and they respond the best they can. Sometimes, however, their response pisses us the fuck off. For example, I loathe when I send a guy I am dating a long text message about my stressful day and he hits me with a response like “OK!” He did not even take the time to spell out “OKAY” and I just lose it! Like was he even listening?! How I Could Have Taken The High Road: According to my brother, Junior, men sometimes do not know what to say to a woman but know they need to respond. If they can’t fix our problem, they feel helpless and that sometimes produces the lackluster responses we receive from them. Best thing to do in this situation is to communicate explicitly with your man what you want and need from him. Expecting him to be a mind reader will have you slashing his tires before daybreak! Girlfriend…don’t do it!
5. THE TIME I GOT JEALOUS! The ex factor is almost 7 feet tall. Whenever we went out…men and women would stop, stare, and speak to him. It use to piss me off when he would hug female friends in front of me. Like why the fuck did he have to put his entire body into that hug?! Once again…I would lose it or would be silently plotting his death once she walked away. Just kidding here but you know what I mean. How I Could Have Taken The High Road: Understand that both you and your man will have people of the opposite sex in your lives. If he is a good man…he will only want you. Not to mention, you should tackle issues as soon as they arise unless your current location is not the time nor place for that discussion. Waiting until 2am to call him up and cuss him out is…kind of crazy especially if the incident happened last month. 🙁
4. THE TIME I COULD NOT LET GO OF THE PAST! I have this bad habit of not being able to let go of the past and I know exactly where I got it from….the Michaels! As long as I have known my parents, my dad always brings up 1978 (the year he met my mother) in a bad way and each parent focuses on what the other did in the past. They don’t just stop there….they also take it to what their families did. According to Mama Michaels, my dad’s family whored around and Papa Michaels claps back with the fact that my mom’s mom worships the devil (probably some evidence of the truth here). 1978 must have been a rough year! If you, like the Michaels family, are struggling with letting go of past hurts in your relationship while working to rebuild it…angry emails, phone calls, and texts about the past sure won’t help! How I Could Have Taken The High Road: First off, I want you to get a look of yourself. Yea you! If you choose to move forward in your relationship after promising to forgive, you sure look stupid texting that you think he got issues because his mama was a pimp! Catch yourself and realize that it is either you guys start from scratch or you let the relationship go. Do not make yourself crazy with continuously reliving past hurts! I am not even going to lie…I am still a work in progress when it comes to this lesson. But to the Michaels family…1978 was a long fucking time ago! Forgive the pimp and the devil worshipper and move forward with love in your hearts!
3. THE TIME HE CHEATED! I can just picture you “digging your keys into the side of his pretty little suped up 4 wheel drive” and singing Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats.” Girlfriend….don’t do it! We have all been there. No need to go into stalker mode! Just move on! How I Could Have Taken The High Road: Just leave him alone. There is a crime called communicating threats. Don’t write, call, text, nor email. Just run and go get yourself checked out by a physician.
2. THE TIME I SAID “I LOVE YOU” FIRST AND HE SAID WELL…NOTHING! Now this one really pisses me off. Makes me want to bust the windows out his car! Just kidding once again! One of the worst feelings ever is to be vulnerable and open up yourself to someone you love and them not return that love. Either he doesn’t love you or he is not ready to say it. Whatever the reason is…we get hurt and our egos step in! And so the 4am nasty text messages begin…as if that is going to make him say “I Love You” faster! How I Could Have Taken The High Road: Best thing to do here is to first be easy of yourself. You are human and it is an awesome feeling to love. It sucks that he may not return that love but just know that one day the right man will. Cry it out if need be but whatever you do…put the phone down! If there is a slim chance that he may love you but is not ready to say it…you will surely blow it if you send a “you ain’t shit” text message in the middle of the night!
1. WHEN HE BROKE UP WITH ME! No one likes being broken up with. It is a shitty feeling. I’ve dealt with breakups in two ways: cry over the phone or cuss his ass out. The latter is my favorite. Cussing him out at 4am through text messages is just going to reaffirm his decision to dump you! How I Could Have Taken The High Road: What I should have done was: cry it out, talk with my friends about it, start going out again, and just enjoy my new single life. If you were a good woman…he will not only miss you…but he will probably be begging for you to take him back. No need to lose your cool. Hold your head up high and continue to take the high road. Sewer rats eventually come up to the surface…meaning you are sure to hear from him again if you were good to him!
~KJM on Temptation Tuesday saying “you got to know when to hold them and know when to fold them!” Take the high road at all times and you will not only like yourself more but have healthier relationships.
Lately, I have been a little stressed. When I get this way, all my creative juices dry up. No pun intended. LOL. One thing that always puts a smile on my face is masturbating! We know men do it but for some reason women shy away from it! I remember watching an episode of “The Oprah Winfrey” show and hearing women in their 30s and 40s…admit to never touching themselves! What the fuck? My vagina is at the center of all I do. “She” is smart, fierce, and when she wants to…she brings me true pleasure!
I started masturbating at the tender age of 14! My body just had these urges and I knew I didn’t want to share myself with anyone else. Masturbating was so good for me that even when I met my first love, Julio….I made him wait until I was almost 19 (2.5 years into our relationship) to lose our virginities! I am so proud of myself that I feel like getting under my covers and touching myself now! Ok….before I get carried away…back to why women should masturbate proudly! This one is for my sister, Brenda and all the women who do not see the benefits of masturbation or are too uncomfortable with the topic to embrace it. Before I take you there, bare in mind that my college nickname was “Oops” based on two songs: “Oops I Did It Again” by Britney Spears and “Oops (Oh My)” by Tweet which is actually about female masturbation! Score! Okay ladies please take a tour with “Oops” deep down masturbation lane. You are now entering the female pleasure zone….buckle up and get ready to moan! Here are the top 10 reasons why you should be touching yourself:
10. IT’S A QUICK WAY TO RELIEVE STRESS! Why go for a run or have a drink after a long day at work when all the relaxation you need is right inside of you?! Suggestion: Run a hot bath and slowly get to know “her.” Start with massaging your clit. If you still need some help to relax and play, grab that glass of wine! Wine, a hot bath, and masturbation…what a way to end a stressful day!
9. IT ENHANCES YOUR PORN EXPERIENCE! I don’t know if any of you are like me but I usually fall asleep on porn movies. There is simply no plot and a creepy cock as the main focus. One of the ways that I enhance my porn experience…is watching as I use one of my vibrators on my clit. That stimulation alone…gets me off quickly! Suggestion: Try it. Break out one of your toys (buy one if you don’t have one) the next time you feel like watching porn. It will definitely enhance your experience.
8. IT’S A SINGLE WOMAN’S BEST FRIEND! Instead of hooking up with random guy after random guy (no judgment here), you could be pleasuring yourself while you are patiently waiting to bump into the right man. If that pussy is nice and tight…he will thank you later for not running it through 5 million guys! Suggestion: This is the new celibacy. No more getting horny and going to bed sad. Pull out the “jack rabbit” and make it a Hulu night until you find the one!
7. NO STD RISK! Piggybacking off of number 8…the more time you spend sexing yourself, the less you have to worry about risky sex partners. You are a party of one and climaxing is oh so fun! Suggestion: Get to know you so that you have an idea of what you are looking for in a sexual relationship with another partner!
6. CLIMAXING IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL! I tend to have a hard time climaxing with a man inside of me. On the bright side, I can almost always climax when my vibrator stimulates my clit. I prefer vaginal orgasms but until I can achieve those again…why give up cuming all together?! Suggestion: Climaxing a few times a week will definitely put a smile on your face.
5. PROMOTES MONOGAMY IN A RELATIOSHIP! Some of you have men that are in the military or travel a lot for work. Masturbation is a great way to stay loyal to your man while still meeting your every day needs. Suggestion: Try this out the next time your man is going to be away for a while. Between phone sex and masturbation….the sexual chemistry probably won’t die between the two of you.
4. MASTURBATION IS A GOOD WAY TO LEARN YOUR OWN BODY! To all my virgins and/or inexperienced readers, at some point in life you will have to have a conversation with a partner about what you need in the bedroom. When you have spent time studying your vagina and learning how to please her…it is so much easier to point a partner into the right direction. Suggestion: Try it and you can easily draw a map to your next orgasm!
3. MASTURBATION IS A VEHICLE FOR OPEN COMMUNICATION WITH YOUR PARTNER! All the time you have spent pleasing yourself will never go to waste. I’ve mentioned it before but it is worth repeating…when you know your body well…you can guide someone else to your mountain top. Taking things a step further, being open with yourself gives you the tools to verbally be open with your partner. You will be more likely to request certain things in the bedroom, be willing to be taught by your partner on how to please him, and more importantly, be more willing to discuss when there are major issues in your sex life. Suggestion: Explore yourself and be ready to explore your partner. The longer you are in a relationship, the more a continuous conversation about pleasuring each other will need to come up. People’s needs and wants tend to change over time. This means even you will change over time. The way I pleased myself at 14 years old is NOT how I please myself now. Even the frequency of my need to masturbate has changed. When you realize you are changing naturally…it’s fathomable that your partner may change too!
2. IT FEELS FUCKING GREAT! This should be a no brainer but of course masturbation feels awesome. Like any great consensual sexual act, you get to watch yourself go from zero to one hundred as you climax. And best part is…you know you made it happen! Suggestion: Don’t be afraid to enjoy your sexuality. All you have should be for you to enjoy first…before you decide to give yourself to someone else.
1. MASTURBATION IS A GREAT WAY TO TEACH A YOUNG GIRL HOW TO APPRECIATE HER BODY! There is so much body shaming of young women today. Between being encouraged to be a size 0 and also have a big ass…the world is a crazy place for young women. I know some of you may doubt me but masturbation teaches a young woman how to love her body, appreciate it, and train it to be disciplined. When a woman knows how to take care of her own needs…she has no need to seek from the world answers she can find within herself. Suggestion: For those of you with teenage daughters, have the sex and masturbation talk with them. Don’t let the world educate your daughter on her worth and her sexuality. Knowledge
should start with you! ~KJM on Throwback Thursday saying shout out to Prince and Tweet as I sing:
“I knew a girl named Nikki
I guess you could say she was a sex fiend
I met her in a hotel lobby
Masturbating with a magazine
She said how’d you like to waste some time
And I could not resist when I saw little Nikki grind!”
~ “Darling Nikki” by Prince
Unfortunately, this is a topic I know all too well. It took years for me to realize that ever since my dating life began, at the age of 15, I developed an emotional cheating issue. There are a lot of possible psychological reasons stemming from my childhood that lead me to have this issue. However, that discussion is for another blog.
Now I know a lot of you are like “what’s emotional cheating? I just want to know where his dick is at night!!!” The dick can roam for many reasons but if his heart is with someone else…his dick is sure to follow! Today I want to share some warning signs of emotional cheating. This is so that you can recognize it in yourself and/or your partner!
6. SPENDING A LOT OF TIME WITH SOMEONE OF YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO! This tends to happen a lot between coworkers….so it is definitely not surprising that a lot of affairs start in the work place. First, the two of you may be placed on the same assignment. Then you and your male coworker start going to happy hour events with other coworkers. Soon the only two people feeling happy after hours are you and your work boo! Never forget that you have a good man at home that deserves your quality time. Moral: Watch who you give your quality time to!
5. HAVING PRIVATE INAPPROPRIATE PHONE CONVERSATIONS WITH A PERSON YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO! This one really gets people into trouble. First, it starts off innocent enough with a “Hi” or “Good Morning” text but as the weeks go by you find yourself running to your phone every time he calls or texts. You love the attention. It may have been a long time since you received this kind of attention from a man. The longer we have been in relationships, sometimes the harder it is to keep that spark going. But it’s a TRAP girl! Run! Each text message has an implied meaning! Yea soon he is going to wax that ass….but not before he says…GOOD MORNING! He’s just setting you up to lay the pipe one day! Moral: Whenever you accept the attention of a man that is not YOUR spouse, know that his intentions are probably not pure! Besides, aren’t we getting a little too old to have new friends of the opposite sex anyways?
4. CONSTANTLY PUTTING YOUR SPOUSE DOWN AND COMPARING HIM TO ANY MAN YOU SEE! Now I know you are wondering how this could lead to emotional cheating. By staying with one man, saying he is not good enough, and then saying every other man is better…you are planting the seeds for an emotional affair. You ever heard that the tongue is very powerful and what you say gets released into the universe? By telling your man and the world that he is not good enough, you are unintentionally asking the universe to send you a more exciting man! Girlfriend…it’s a slippery slope! If you love your imperfect man and believe he is a good man…talk with him about working on your relationship. Don’t openly test the waters while endangering a good relationship/marriage! Moral: Get your shit together! You are the one who is not working at your relationship/marriage hard enough. Be part of the solution and not the problem!
3. KEEPING A “FRIENDSHIP” WITH MEN YOU HAVE BEEN EMOTIONALLY AND/OR PHYSICALLY INVOLVED WITH! Now I am not talking to those of you who have children with your exes because clearly for the sake of those children….some sort of positive communication needs to continuously occur. However, realize that you are walking a fine line. Communication about your children is far different that reminiscing about the great sex you and your ex use to have! Now to the rest of you holding onto exes while you have so called moved on to another relationship! What are you doing? Your ex can almost never really be your friend. While you are keeping him up to date on the every details of your relationship, he’s at his house singing “she’s mine….you may had her once but I got her all the time!” Yea…I remixed that MoKenStef song “He’s Mine!” Desperate times calls for desperate measures. Moral: A man from your intimate past has no business being part of your intimate present/future. You cannot have your cake and eat it too!
2. TELLING ANOTHER MAN EVERY INTIMATE DETAIL OF YOUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP! Earlier on the list, I spoke about how dangerous it is to have inappropriate conversations with a person you are attracted to…outside of your relationship. In number 5, I was really speaking about sexting. However, number 2 is even more dangerous than sexual conversations. When another man knows how your day was before your boyfriend/husband does…you are in trouble. He knows your likes, dislikes, happiest moments, saddest moments, and even knows about the issues you are having in your current relationship. This other man is essentially IN your current relationship. He consoles you and always says the right things to make you feel beautiful and happy. What you fail to realize is being the “side guy” is about supply and demand. He finds out what you are missing and supplies it. This man, however, does not have tools to do ALL the work in a full blown relationship. He’s like a marketing executive…his job is solely to sell. Now are you going to buy? Moral: The grass is never greener on the side. It’s an illusion. Truth be told, the grass is greener where you water it!
1. LETTING SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOUR SPOUSE INTO YOUR HEART! This one is a bit tricky as we don’t always know when we are falling in love. However, if you have been doing any of the things on this list…there is a great chance someone may fall in love during this emotional affair! So far you have given your quality time, had inappropriate phone conversations, holding on to your sexual past, and constantly put your current spouse down. Girl you don’t know whether you are coming or going! But realize that emotional affairs can lead to physical ones….meaning if found out by your spouse…your cuming just may lead to your going…as in being forced to leave your current relationship! Moral: The Bible says to “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23. Be careful who you give your heart to. Not everyone was built to handle it with care! ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday saying I use to be an emotional cheater until I met someone that made me want to only open up to him and God. Keep us in your prayers!
Cringe worthy! It is hard to revisit at times…but we have all been there. There were times that our self worth perished and as a result, we embarrassingly tried to piece our lives together. For 5 years, I lived in a world of shame. The relationship I had with the ex factor brought me to lows I never thought I could drop to. ME…a beautiful, intelligent, driven, and loving woman. Yet, there I was hiding from others while living at the bottom of the pit of despair. No one could get me out of there but myself and God. The problem with getting out, however, was that I would first have to admit to myself how I got there. Some may say it was a period of low self esteem, but I promise you…it was more deeper than that. Let’s pick our faces up off the floor and revisit the times when we did not know our own strength:
7. THE TIME WE ACCEPTED A RELATIONSHIP THAT GAVE US LESS THAN WE DERSERVED! Maybe he wanted a “friends with benefits” situation and we wanted a serious commitment but we settled for less. Praying and hoping we could change his mind, we ventured deeper into this dead end relationship. As we look around, everyone else is getting married yet here we are letting him sneak in and out of our beds! “Mama said there would be days like this,” but lawd a mercy, we hoped she was referring to another young woman and not us! It’s painful to see people living out their dreams while we are stuck in a nightmare!
6. THE TIME YOU THOUGHT A BABY WOULD DEEPEN AND SAVE AN UNSAVABLE RELATIONSHIP! I know this is going to sound crazy but some women still think a baby will save their relationship/marriage! Wake up baby girl! A baby will only put more stress on a stressful situation. The more you go down this road is the greater chance you have of being a single mom. Nothing in this world can make a man stay but that man himself. Please try and save your womb for someone you know loves you, cherishes you, and wants a family.
5. THAT TIME YOU WENT PAST YOUR SEXUAL LIMITS/HAD A THREESOME TO KEEP A MAN! When I was in college, I saw this happening to girls of all races. There was a need to be liked by boys or a particular boy. Without knowing it, these girls sold their soul for a boy only to be labeled as “easy,” “whores,” and “sluts.” Baby girl, if you are reading this, please love your body enough to only engage in sexual activity you truly want to experience. If you have to go front ways, side ways, and over a rooftop sexually to keep a man, then he is not the one for you!
4. THE TIME WE LEFT AND WENT BACK TO A BAD RELATIONSHIP! I went back to the ex factor at least three major times over the course of five years. Each time, I would tell my friends AND myself…that this time would be different. Each time was worse than the last! Picking my face up off the floor after each disappointment was hard. Why would such a smart woman allow herself to be treated in such a manner? Truth be told, no matter how much we love ourselves, we will all always make mistakes. These mistakes, hopefully, will make us stronger girlfriends, wives, and mothers in the future. There is a lesson to be learned around every dark corner! Oh how I hope and pray that is true!
3. THE SHAME YOU FELT WHEN WE LEFT AND WENT BACK TO A BAD RELATIONSHIP THAT NOW HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BE GOOD! This one is a little bit tricky. I have a few friends that either dated or married someone when they were younger….who was not good for them then. This man came back years later and became an amazing husband and father. Generally, when you are in a “makeup to breakup” relationship, it is unhealthy and should be abandoned. However, there are rare instances where a person (maybe even both of you) needed time to grow and learn from your mistakes. I think the common theme in this situation was that they gave each other time to grow….so essentially they still abandoned the “makeup to breakup” cycle until they got themselves together. The two major obstacles here are (a) family and friends still talking about your relationship from the past and assuming that this time is going to be no different and (b) the couple acknowledging that they have both grown and trying not to revert back to their old unhealthy ways. I think if both obstacles are overcome by a good and hardworking couple, they just might make it. In that case, tell family and friends to mind their own business. This would be the time to drop the shame and guilt and go enjoy the life that God created just for you! Everyone’s love story is different!
2. THE TIME WE KNEW HE WAS CHEATING AND STAYED ANYWAY! Yikes! This one leaves a bad taste in my mouth! I am a firm believer that a spouse is usually the first person to know that their mate is cheating. For me, my gut always tells me so. Something is just off…even if I can’t put my finger on it. Now for this one…I will not even attempt to tell the married people what to do. I am only speaking to the non-married people. When you are continuously faced with cheating and you keep taking the person back without them doing work on themselves first and then work on the relationship, get ready for a lifetime of cheating. Even if he proposes marriage, nothing will probably change. Get out while you can and find a man who embodies commitment! I believe that man does exist!
1. THE TIME YOU LET HIM ABUSE YOU! Abusive relationships are no joke. I never hide that I grew up around a sea of domestic violence. Whether the women in my family were the bread winners or not…they were getting their asses beat daily! Baby girl, especially if you have children, realize that this is one of the unhealthiest situations to endure. Anyone who puts their hands on you….cannot possibly love you. Get out now! Value your life and your children’s future. Also, remember that there is emotional, verbal, sexual, financial, and physical abuse. Many of us are focused on not getting that first punch to the face that we forget, he’s been controlling our lives and our finances for over a decade! Yes that’s right…abuse manifests itself in many different forms. Educate yourself to each of them! ~KJM saying once “I did not know my own strength” but now I do…on Charm School Monday!
The key to what makes a woman climax is different for every woman. However, if a man is more focused on getting his dick sucked than making sure his woman climaxes…well let’s just say that when she walks away…he will not be remembered in a good way! The last time I climaxed through sex was with Phoenix in May 2010. Thank you boo! I can’t wait for the day where I feel sexually and emotionally fulfilled. When we care about a man…it’s hard for us to say to him…um you are not doing that right! Try again! But it’s so important we learn to say those things. Communication leads to a very happy sex life for both parties! So don’t be like me with the ex factor…start the conversation! Get up and say…I’M NOT CUMING AND I WON’T STAND FOR IT ANYMORE! ~KJM saying I’ve faith Elijah will get the job done! I’ve to just let go of my baggage.