No one ever expects it to happen but it does occur in friendships as well. A season has ended…sometimes for no reason at all except for life keeping them apart but many times for very important reasons. Ten years ago my inner circle of my closest friends looked very different. The people I relied on to make me laugh and to stand by me in hard times have continuously been changing. Some friends remain the same like the Jessica’s, Zack’s (he would kill me if I didn’t mention him lol), Autumn’s, and Scarlet’s. They are part of an exclusive group I call my Original Gangstas (OGs)…friends I have had since my teens…and even grade school. I am truly blessed in friendship! 🙏🏽 And then there’s a group I never thought I would ever have permanent fall outs with. People that as the years went on got self absorbed and would attack anything from my career to my personality. People who would forget me in my struggles and ride off on their high horses like they had never hit rock bottom before. They would leave me in silence…heartbroken and confused but God is so faithful that new friends or friends I had lost contact with would submerge and fill in the gap more than the lost friends ever had. To me, a betrayal in friendship is so much deeper than a romantic betrayal. There has not been one single man (romantically) I have ever put my entire trust in. I rely on my friendships to take me from storms to sunshine. My standards for friendship are so much higher than my standards for dating for I can do without a lover (easily) but my friends are my heartbeats. 💕 I have gotten to the point where I no longer explain to people why I have pulled away or completely cut them off. No explanation is offered when the situation just cannot be fixed. Once trust is broken and/or I realize I’ve been a better friend to you than you are to me…I distance myself. Sometimes folks get so comfortable to think they can squeeze themselves back in but it never works. We are broken. We cannot be worked on and often times I have signaled in the past the need to work on the friendship and receive no valid response. If you can live without real friends…power to you but I can’t. My friends are my family…for better or for worse. If you find yourself surrounded by no one that even resembles a true friend…ask yourself what have you been putting out into the universe? If you are self absorbed and on your high horse…consider yourself riding into the sunset ALONE. It’s comforting to think romantic relationships can fill the gap of true friendships but with the divorce rate so high….it’s doubtful that that is the case. ~KJM doing the friendship check on Charm School Monday. ✌🏾
My Daddy and I had an interesting conversation yesterday afternoon. He was mumbling about how disappointed he was in any man who didn’t use his single years correctly by “poking everything that moves.” Daddy thinks he knows everything and trust he does know a lot but advice on relationships is not his thing! I had to remind him that this is the exact kind of thinking that got him into trouble when he was young (with my half brother’s mother). So much I could say here but I won’t repeat it because of my respect for my half brother. Anyways…my comments kind of stopped Papa Michaels in his tracks. 🤣🙌🏽 Since it’s the start of Love Week, I figured I would write something for some of these misguided young men that may share Papa Michaels’ sentiments. 🙄 Men, sometimes (actually more often than not) should turn down some pussy. Not every pussy is going to be the fit you desire and if you slide into everything you see…you may find yourself in one or more of these scenarios: 5. AN UGLY BABY MAMA! Guys cannot be alone. Dick always got to have some kind of direction…even if it’s just blowing in the wind! Wtf? 😩🙄 Nobody ever said penis was smart. It is one of the few living breathing things where the head leads but that just happens to be the dumbest part of it.🙌🏽 Hence the concept of smashing an ugly chick at night. Yo even if you had to go there (because you are desperate) why smash her raw?! Nasty! So many men behave this way and end up with a less than desirable baby mama that will haunt them for life! 😳 Where were your condoms?! And worst of all the child pays for this act of desperation! JUST SAY NO! If you wouldn’t smash it in daytime…don’t go there at night! Something always goes bump into the night. 4. THE CRAZY HOT GYAL! I tend to think that men make us women crazy but even I can admit that some of us don’t have our heads screwed on too tight. Men love a pretty face and a tight body. They lose their minds for it…without thinking about the mental state behind the body. 😩 Just because a woman is beautiful doesn’t mean your dick should find her vagina. Some things should stay lost. Some guys end up on an episode of “Snapped” because they let penis lead them astray. 😳 JUST SAY NO! 3. THE SHE DOES THE CREW CHICK! It wasn’t until I got old enough to watch “Maury” that I realized that folks actually went to “parties” where guys (with the woman’s consent…without consent this is called gang rape) lined up to bust in, on, and around the one woman all his homies just fucked. 😳😩🙄 This is just unfathomable to me. What’s even more bizarre is some guys won’t use condoms here…hence the cameo on Maury! 🙄 Actually Maury is the best case scenario here. If just one person has a sexually transmitted disease at that “party”…you all now have it! JUST SAY NO! 2. SNIFFING AROUND THE PUSSY THAT DOESN’T WANT YOU! Sigh…some guys will never learn. Not every woman likes your penis stench. Move on to one that likes you instead of harassing the one that can’t stand you. It’s wasted time for both parties so do yourselves a favor and…JUST SAY NO! 1. THE PUSSY THAT COSTS YOU YOUR RELATIONSHIP/MARRIAGE! Guys go after any pussy just because it hasn’t been conquered by them. Sometimes they risk the good relationships they have at home for a taste of something that no one else sees as special! 🙄 Why? Ugh. Keep it in your pants and JUST SAY NO! 🙌🏽 BONUS: THE PUSSY THAT BROUGHT AN EMPIRE DOWN! Throughout history, pussy has cost men anything from money to power…to their own fucking lives! 😩 Penis can never run the world like pussy does. If you don’t believe me…flip through your history books. A love or lust for a woman can bring empires down! 🙌🏽 While most men do not have empires…they should treat their everyday lives as such. Bad pussy can take a somewhat intelligent man and make him look like a lost boy who does not know his ass from his hole! 😳 This is exactly why a man must not aim to sleep with every woman he sees! Only one will have the ability to turn a boy into a King. Wait for that one! 💜 ~KJM on Charm School Monday! More to come this Love week! 😘
There is so much going on in my life right now. While I have slowed down on blogging…please know that when I do blog, I will give you my all. 💜 Today I am going to touch upon a topic that is going to make some of y’all uncomfortable….THE REBOUND WIFE! 🙌🏽 Yes there is such a thing! I know a couple of them and have male friends (now divorced) that admitted to marrying their rebound. Society is always telling women how to keep a man but rarely tells these tired ass men how to keep a woman! 🙌🏽 Women are suppose to practice self love and have self worth but God forbid her relationship does not work out…we burn her at the stake! 😳 We are always telling women to be more godly, more sexy, skinnier, great cooks, and get therapy for their failed relationships! Who the fuck is guiding these lost men?! Our men, of all races, but especially black men need healing! Their asses are in dire need of spiritual healing, therapy, and self love classes! 🙌🏽 But instead of encouraging men to be better men…it’s so much easier to lay his faults at his woman’s foot. 🙄 There is so much I can say here but today’s blog focuses on debunking one myth: that just because a man married the next woman does not mean that the woman before his wife…wasn’t a great woman! Perhaps this man could not appreciate the woman that was down with him during his struggles? Perhaps he did not love himself and therefore could not love her? Perhaps he is hurting from childhood wounds that have yet to be addressed so he is in fact the damaged goods? Perhaps the only crime the long term girlfriend, whom he did not marry, committed was loving this broken man unconditionally?! Before I dive into the concept of the Rebound Wife, let me clarify one thing: I have been the woman in a long term dead end pseudo relationship (the Ex Factor) and I have been the rebound woman who he suddenly saw the light for and wanted to marry (several times but especially with Dallas). I have been on both sides of the coin for years. Neither side is pretty and women get blamed no matter what for anything that goes wrong. I am a worthless woman if he won’t marry me and I am a worthless and ungrateful woman if I don’t accept his marriage proposal because he has seen the light and I better forget that I am the rebound woman and grab him while he is in the presence of such light! 🙄 What the fuck? Society has lost their minds! A woman just cannot win. She will always be judged! So since I’m always going to be judged let me drop this little gem on you…6 Things You Need To Know About The Rebound Wife: 6. THERE IS NO TIMELINE THAT EXCUSES A WOMAN FROM BEING THE REBOUND WIFE! Now don’t shoot the messenger! Rebound simply means you are being used to replace the love that did not work out. A man can have this hurt in his heart for years and then get married to a woman he does not truly love nor want and she would still be considered the Rebound Wife! 🙌🏽 5. SHE IS OFTEN BIRTHED OUT OF STUPIDITY, INSECURITY, OR REVENGE! When you see that a man has moved on from a long term relationship and is in a new relationship (usually right away) and suddenly ready for a life long commitment with the new woman…beware! She’s not necessarily “The One.” I mean she could be but more often than not…that man has not given himself time to heal from his past hurts. He’s just jumping from one relationship to another and is being rewarded for it! 🙄 All of a sudden he’s ready to be a husband after knowing this new woman for like a day but left Shenequa of 12 years of dating. Holly done shone him the light! 😳🤣 Get the fuck out of here! This man is out for blood! And he’s going to take only one woman down with him…The Rebound Wife! That man thinks marrying Holly will make Shenequa burn in hell and it may feel that way to Shenequa at first but she is the winner for Holly does not know the devil she lays with at night. This brings me to number four. 4. A REBOUND WIFE DOES NOT TRULY KNOW HER NEW HUSBAND! A knight in shining armor is what he appears to be until the new wife figures out she married the devil! Within 6 months to a year of his last break up…what can a woman possibly know about her new man? Shenequa knew his demons. Holly has no clue. This doesn’t mean that some rebound wives’ marriages can’t survive but the odds are not great. Here this man arrives with all this hidden baggage. He tastes like love. He looks like love. He looks like loyalty and trust but is he really these things? Only time will tell but the odds are not in Holly’s favor. Chances are this man is looking for a new woman to hide in.😳 3. MOST MEN CANNOT BE ALONE AND THE REBOUND IS THEIR CONSOLATION PRIZE! A straight man is usually always climbing in and out of some pussy. This doesn’t give him much time to work on himself…his emotional self that is…and the state of warfare it may be in! 🙌🏽 He is just taking that tired dick from one address to another without thinking of the toll it’s taking on these women and himself! Dead penis walking! 😳 Some of these men go way into their 40s having never loved anyone but their damn selves. Thus, we women must ask questions when we first meet them. One’s past does not have to dictate their future but it sure can be an indicator of a troubled cycle that must be tackled. If he won’t answer questions about his past…this could be a red flag that he hasn’t kicked those old habits! 2. BEWARE REBOUND WIFE….A LEOPARD NEVER CHANGES HIS SPOTS! I don’t know about you guys but when I am trying to make a major change in my life (for myself) it is a process! Hell it is a journey! Nothing happens over night! So why does society think that if a man marries the next woman after a long term commitment has broken up…that he is instantly changed?! 😩 Child, please! He is just dumping his mess on another woman’s doorsteps! ✌🏾 1. GETTING MARRIED AND HAVING A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS SO LET’S STOP CELEBRATING REBOUND WIVES! Girl! He married you! Sure did but um homegirl is he honoring, cherishing you, being loyal to you, and loving you like a good husband should?! Let’s keep it all the way real….not every man who gets married actually values marriage! Society cheers when we get them to the altar but who is cheering with us when he’s cheating, beating, or emotionally abusing us? The Rebound Wife is treated like a prize (by society) but she is really the consolation prize for what he could not have nor keep in the game of love. 🙌🏽 She is the living mattress he will lay on. Yes she has the official title of wife but it does not mean she is being treated as such! So stop the bullshit. Let’s support the marriage and not just the mere task of getting a man to an altar. 🙌🏽 No one knows why a man chooses a wife but him. For all we know…he could just be choosing his next victim and up the stakes! 😳 BONUS: FOR SOME WOMEN…BEING A REBOUND WIFE IS BETTER THAN BEING NO WIFE AT ALL! 😩 Some women want to be a wife so bad that they do not care who they are marrying! 😳 They may not care if the man will stay. They probably don’t care how he treats them either! They made it to wife status and that’s all that matters! 🙃 These women thrive off of being the consolation prize. Yikes! I guess…to each their own. ~KJM on Throwback Thursday. EDITOR’S NOTE: merely being a second wife does not automatically make you a rebound wife. The theory is much more complicated. It’s really about are you getting that man whole or broken. Does he really want you or is he just filling a void. Good luck out there! 💜
In the blink of an eye my entire life changed last week. My heart is broken and I am in mourning. This has nothing to do with the Ex Factor nor Winter Blues. Those were the week before’s problems and I long for them for what a face now can swallow me up. It can destroy my faith and my hope in humanity. I don’t know why I thought yesterday’s problems were so deep. I long for them. I long for them. Tears come pouring out my eyes at a moment’s notice. And I feel lost. This is a different type of heartbreak. I feel confused and unsure of myself. And I feel blind sighted. The pain can only be compared to the time I lost my Grandmother, Gloria. I don’t think I have ever stopped mourning her. She’s been gone over 11 years now. That is how deep the hole is that is sucking me in. Part of me wants to give up and let it take me…but I can’t. I have to fight with all my being but oh my…I’m already exhausted. Yesterday’s problems had already worn me down when the news hit…and my life changed…in the blink of an eye. It just goes to show that whatever you are currently dealing with is not as big of a burden as you think it is. Tomorrow can always be worse. I am living out tomorrow’s worst now and it’s something you just cannot understand unless you have gone through it. Hug your loved ones and be grateful for yesterday’s problems because in the blink of an eye your life could change and you are left in the dark…fighting for your life. ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. Please keep my family and I in your prayers. I yearn for answers. I yearn for guidance. I yearn for strength. The journey has only just begun… 🙏🏽
Blue is my second favorite color but I do not like to experience the emotion of having the blues. 😭 My winter blues have been the worst I have seen them in years. I am a morning person who currently has an issue getting out of bed…in the mornings! 😳 That has never happened to me before…at least not for an entire season! 😩 During my New Years vacation, I did notice that I had less energy at night to go places than I typically do when it’s Spring or Summer. When I got back home…things only got worse. It takes me forever to achieve one task…sometimes hours. I try to stay patient with myself because I realize that this isn’t really me. I’m battling the worst case of winter blues and I have to first accept that fact. Winter blues has even affected my ability to blog. Most days I have great ideas but no energy to write them down so when you get a gem like “Community Penis” bask in it because it came from a place of burning desire to brighten your day while shedding some comic relief on a serious topic. The one thing that has kept a smile on my face is rewatching all 7 seasons of “Game Of Thrones.” Second only to “Golden Girls,” Game Of Thrones has become one of the few series to consistently brighten my day. 🙌🏽 Don’t know what it is about hearing the words “milk of the puppy” or hearing Arya say that “The North Remembers” but I just break out in happy cries and laughter! Thank God for that show. 💜 A little laughter or happy cry goes a long way when one is feeling joyless. To combat the Winter blues, I am starting the following regime in hopes it helps subside some of my negative feelings: (5) change up my diet to include less sugars, (4) do some light lifting and exercise, (3) stay away from stressful people and stressful conversations, (2) make sleep a priority and (1) try some meditation. If you are going through something similar…do what works for you. Most of all, be patient with yourselves as you travel through this storm. I truly believe that small changes will lead to big results. The result here is to feel more upbeat and to have more energy. Keep in mind that Spring is on her way and we won’t be in this dreary cold place forever. One Love💕 ~KJM on Charm School Monday.
Happy Temptation Tuesday! Time to get brutally honest and ignorant. My friend, Lioness, has a couple of exes that she consistently turns down for sex under the notion that they are Community Penis! What is COMMUNITY PENIS? Oh you know it when you see it…hell some women married it! ✌🏾 Community Penis is not your one off ordinary cheating penis. He is the type of penis that any woman can sample and probably has sampled! 🙌🏽 Say no to Community Penis! It is so dangerous for so many reasons but if you want that vagina to stay fresh and tight…Community Penis is not the way to go. Isn’t it ironic that society is so focused on the virtue of women yet there is a growing population of us women who don’t want to bed male hoes?! 🙌🏽🤣 The men I have stayed with the longest, Julio and the Ex Factor, are not Community Penis. I took Julio’s virginity (as he took mine) when I was 18 and he was 19… and I started dating the Ex Factor when he was 20 and I was 29. I don’t like my men around the block more than me or at least not too many more bodies than me. Kingston likes to feel like that dick belongs to her and that is damn near impossible with Community Penis even if it has repented for its sins and is now reformed! 🤣🙄 SAY NO TO COMMUNITY PENIS! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽 While neither Lioness nor I came up with the phrase Community Penis, I feel like it is my duty to guide you away from it! Here are the top 5 Commandments I have learned about Community Penis: 5. THOU SHALL NEVER ALLOW COMMUNITY PENIS TO CALL YOU UP AND REQUEST PUSSY! Community Penis is just that…there for community use. It should always be telling you what it can do for you…not what you can do for it! 🙌🏽 While I always recommend staying away from Community Penis, sometimes we women are bored or going through a small drought. Community Penis is there to get us back in the game. Pack your condoms and your birth control pills and proceed with caution! 😇 Remember that Community Penis is there for everyone so don’t play with it for too long and always send it on its way! ✌🏾 4. THOU SHALL NOT SAVE TIGHT GOOD PUSSY FOR COMMUNITY PENIS! Never save yourself for Community Penis! Better yet…never fall in love with Community Penis. He belongs to all women so he can never just be yours. Accept him as he is and send him on his way. Save yourselves for men worthy of you because they have also been saving the most sacred parts of themselves for you. Community Penis is only loyal to itself! Please remember that. 3. THOU SHALL NEVER FIGHT ANOTHER WOMAN OVER COMMUNITY PENIS! We women should not be fighting over a man for any reason but please do not disrespect yourselves extra by fighting over Community Penis! 😳🙄🙃 Girl, he hoeing everywhere with everyone. He belongs to none of us and all of us at the same damn time! “Ain’t no fun if the homies can’t have none!”🤣 Use him and them diss him…then know your sista in the struggle will do the same thing next! Free yourselves from ever getting angry about Community Penis. He isn’t worth it! He “gets around!” 😩 2. THOU SHALL REMEMBER THAT NOT ALL COMMUNITY PENIS CAN FUCK WELL! My first (and I think only) Community Penis was Crazy in college. He definitely slept with more than half of Penn State’s female population. Big girls, small girls, black girls, white girls, Asian girls…you name it…he did them. The thing with Crazy though was that he was a master of sex. As the only man to consistently give me multiple orgasms…I could understand why every woman wanted to fuck him! He was just that good! 😍😇 But there are a lot of Community Penis that are bad at sex. These low lifes just like to fuck but never learned how to please a woman! 🙄😩 Yikes! They are the lowest of the Community Penises! No one likes a man who can’t please a woman! Why share this one? He’s like an over ripe banana about to turn rotten! ✌🏾 Definitely pass on this low grade version of Community Penis! ✌🏾✌🏾✌🏾 If you gonna briefly kick it with Community Penis…you should at least be climaxing out your fucking ear! 😍 1. THOU SHALL NOT TRY TO TURN A HOE INTO A HUSBAND! Sigh…this one is going to hurt some folks’ feelings. No one should marry nor settle down with Community Penis! He’s for the entire community to enjoy! 🙃Making him your baby daddy and/or your husband makes you look like a clown. I promise you…you will never be able to reform him nor tame him. Let this wild dog go! His only redemption is if he truly wants to change but then you would have to forgive all the bodies he collected on you…😳 And some of us are just too petty for that. Better off marrying a man with virtue and one that understands how important loyalty, trust, monogamy, and commitment are. 🙌🏽 ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday! Lioness, thanks for bringing this phrase to my attention! My readers will never be the same! Lol. Any personal experiences with Community Penises? Feel free to share! There appears to be a sighting a day! 🤣
Quiet. No one tells you how quiet and calm you become when that hour has arrived…the hour where the process of falling out of love is complete. When your heart is breaking you probably imagine this dramatic scene where you storm out on your ex lover and you just miraculously move on. Maybe it’s like that for some folks but it was not that way for me with Julio. On and off for ten years, no one ever thought I would leave him permanently. And they were right. He left me. Since we were teenagers, I had called all the breaks (sounds familiar 🙄). Julio had not once said he wanted to give up on me but his ass surely didn’t treat me well either! ✌🏾 As teenagers, I was terrible to him but as we got into young adulthood, I became our rock…holding us down for as long as I could or until I saw a new conquest I just had to have. No way was I going to only sleep with one man my entire life (and thank goodness because with exception for the need for experimenting…Julio was horrible in bed and even worse as he got older). There was no way in hell I was going to marry my first love either. Most women on my mother’s side of family had done that while the women on my dad’s side were tricking and hoeing. It worked out well for none of them! Matter of fact, my love life looks perfect compared to what the women in the generation above me went through or put themselves through.🙄 That speaks volumes. 😳 I wanted to fall somewhere in between settling for the first man I slept with and tricking and hoeing. There had to be something in between the two categories…I hoped. And there sure was! I created my own category. 🙌🏽 From the jump, Julio was always about marriage and family. I was about neither. Self exploration and my education were my top priorities. To this day, I don’t regret that decision. I consider Julio to be puppy love but for the betterment of this blog…we will treat puppy love like it is real. We went back and forth for years as I moved further and further away to advance my education. At the end of my first year of graduate school, Julio announced that he could not wait on marriage and family. I promised that if he stayed with me on this journey, I would deliver but he simply could not wait. This conversation took place in May 2007….right before my birthday. It’s 2018 and Julio still does not have love, marriage, nor children. Only he could tell you what happened after me. I can only speculate from the information he shared with me over the years. Personally, I think he met his great love right after me. She was older and tried to give him children. After several miscarriages and one stillborn, they parted. I think any woman that fights to bring a man’s child into this world is a keeper but hey what do I know. I pray she found happiness after Julio and that God did finally bless her with children. 🙏🏽 Shortly after I finished my program, Julio resurfaced again in 2009…just as I was permanently cutting off Crazy. Odd timing. We would reconnect briefly before I started to black out during sex. I would remember arriving at Julio’s apartment, drinking nor eating nothing, and only remember leaving. No recollection of the sex at all. Men are just too simple because he had to have noticed that I was not emotionally present during intercourse. I asked him and he did notice. What the fuck?! It was at that point that I told him I was no longer attracted to him, physically nor emotionally and we needed to stop messing around. I think he thought it was a joke. January 2010 was the last time I ever slept with Julio. After that, I looked Phoenix up on Facebook and he was tending to my emotional needs since we lived four hours away from each other. But I digress. Even after walking away from Julio, I thought love was still there…not realizing that somewhere in the over two years we had been separated…I had fallen completely out of love with him. 🙌🏽 Maybe it started the summer following the spring when Julio broke things off with me. I cried everyday for three and a half months…only eating giant Hershey bars. My stomach nor my heart could take no more. After the tears stopped, I went back to NC to finish up my program…never dwelling on the break up again. I can’t be sure of the exact moment but when it came it was quiet. Unnoticeable. Very quiet. I was in the south living my life when my heart gave up on Julio. The feeling of love or even slight care never returned. The point I’m trying to make is that if you are going through a romantic storm right now that quiet moment that you yearn for will come when you least expect it. I see glimpses of it with the Ex Factor and I. When there’s no more pain to be felt…the suffering will end and things will be quiet. Either God will work on us both or the quiet will come. A breakthrough is for sure on its way. I hope and pray that I have the energy to embrace my third love with the openness I embraced my second. Six months after I told Julio that our time had ended, I fell so hard for the Ex Factor. With no fear in my heart, I loved. During the three and a half months of crying I endured in summer 2007, the thought would not occur to me that in the future…I would have the ability to embrace love openly, honestly, and fearlessly but in July 2010, my heart did just that. Isn’t the heart amazing? ~KJM on Throwback Thursday. Love fearlessly and the world will still be yours for the taking….for everything beautiful has love at the core of it. 💕
It is a difficult thing to admit…being someone’s romantic placeholder. One time or another most of us have been one…whether we knew it or not. We were holding a space for a lost love or a love that has yet to be discovered. A placeholder. It is also a difficult thing to admit that he started off as my placeholder in summer 2010. With both Julio (whom I was no longer attracted to) and Phoenix (whom I am still dangerously attracted to) on my heels and lots of career stress, I felt like I did not want to make a choice. Plus there was Carlos, a guy I met in NC and dated for a few months (end of 2008 into 2009) before he had to go to Afghanistan and Iraq for work. Carlos was who I thought was going to be my second love. Handsome, sexy, built, tatted, and great with his hands…Carlos was that dude. Unfortunately, I did not appreciate him until he was overseas. He was to be gone for two years. By then I would be back up North. I had no plans of waiting for him…for I wasn’t in love but I circled his name to remind myself to swing back around when he permanently got back to the states! 😍 While not waiting alone, I found myself in drama with Crazy, Julio resurfaced (once again heartbroken from some chick who was his “one” 🙄) and then in early 2010 I looked up Phoenix on Facebook. Intellectually brilliant plus sexy as hell…we fell back into our talking everyday routine. Phoenix held me down through the beginning of my professional struggles but it would be the boy I friend requested in December 2009, the Ex Factor, who would ride out every ugly professional wave with me. At the time, the Ex Factor was just some kid that I thought was cute but way too young for me. I only became aware of him because our sisters had been friends for years….during the time I was living down south. We weren’t suppose to meet. We weren’t suppose to know each other. Almost 8 years later, I’m not sure why we still know each other. At 20 years old, he was the underdog. I had completely cut Crazy off for lying to me about his live in girlfriend (roommate my ass) and after hooking up with broken-hearted Julio a couple of times, I was blacking out during sex. No memory of him being inside of me. It was some weird emotional sign that I was no longer physically nor emotionally attracted to Julio. To this day, he does not believe this and still thinks I want him but let the record show he hasn’t seen the P in my pussy since January 2010 and has not seen me in person since May 2010, shortly after I slept with Phoenix for the first time in years! 😍🙌🏽 Even when shit got hard with the Ex Factor, I would turn to Phoenix but I never took Crazy nor Julio back….not even as my friends. Julio and I would keep in touch like distant cousins until he insisted on thinking I wanted him then he got on my long term blocked list and shall stay there! I know that all sounds like useless information but I had to give you some of the history to understand how the Ex Factor started off as my placeholder and after I fell in love…how I became his. I underestimated him. In June 2010, the Ex Factor was just a baby…a barely legal baby…but a baby. I thought if I just kicked it with him for the summer then I didn’t have to make any serious decisions about my personal life. This much was true and is still true. 🙄 He would plan all day dates while I stressed over my job hunt. The Ex Factor would even go as far as look up jobs for me and email them to me. He held me down in a way none of the others could. It is important to note that Julio did not even try which is another reason I will never take his ass back! ✌🏾 I struggled and would not have even eaten that summer if I had not been dating the Ex Factor. Financially and in my family life, so much bad was happening and my then placeholder changed position and became my love…my fucking rock. I did not even know I could fall in love since Julio was the only other guy I ever had true feelings for. I always thought I was love proof but the Ex Factor became my only exception and still is. Over the years, I asked for many breaks…sometimes it’s because I felt he wasn’t treating me right, other times it was because I met another guy who swore up and down he would treat me better than the Ex Factor, and then there were times (like recently) where I needed a break because I’m sick of arguing with my selfish and stubborn love. I think in his mind, he’s either waiting for someone better or he thinks I am waiting for someone better or it is a combination of both. Now it appears we are each other’s placeholders. I think he’s mourning a childhood love and I’m awaiting a strong adult love I have yet to discover. Pretty fucked up…I know. And so we go in circles and we fight and fight and fight. It’s exhausting. Folks ask why I stay but I don’t think I would consider myself to have stayed with him the entire 8 years. I am in and I am out…always calling the breaks. Maybe we are just comfortable but usually being comfortable means that everything is easy going. There ain’t shit easy going about us. There are years when he just turns my motherfucking stomach and I am sure he feels the same about me. Our sex life goes up and down (which I think is typical for sleeping with each other for almost a decade)…yet I still like him more than I like anyone new I meet. There are days I don’t even want him to lay next to me and I don’t think I have allowed him to hold me in months. He attacks my self esteem and I clip his balls! Boy we are a fucking piece of work! 😳 The thing that sets him apart from any other guy is I actually have feelings for him. It’s so hard for me to truly care about a guy. They could be hotter or have more money but are they going to be able to be patient when I put them on the firing squad? Are they going to always respond to me when I’m cussing them out? Are they going to accept that I am a solo traveler at heart and in deed? Will they get mad that my girls’ nights mean more to me than laying up with them? Will they be upset that I’m still my first priority? Maybe we placeholders are just comfortable…a different type of comfortable until something makes us uncomfortable. Still I’m down here in hell with the only person I would ask to join me in hell…or anywhere for that matter. ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. What a fucking mess! Don’t be us. Lol.
Happy MLK and Charm School Monday! It is freezing in the Tri State area but I’m still going to type with these frozen fingers as I commute to work. 😘 Over the weekend, the Ex Factor asked me if I thought marriage was sacred. He did not believe it was because divorce exists. My answer was too complicated to share with him in that moment but last night I finally found the words and text it to him. Before I share my views on marriage…it’s important to note that the Ex Factor and I also got into an unexpected argument about marriage, family, and raising children. I am not sure what was bugging him so much but for me…he hit a nerve when he said women were illogical and irrational. As an example, he threw in my face that he’s still in my life despite the fact that I say he no longer treats me well. This statement, I felt at the time, was an attack on my self esteem. Thus, my ego entered the room and just could not let his ego win. I have yet to learn that not every argument is worth having. Things ended tensely. We have had millions of arguments over the phone or through text but in person…we had never had one until now. Usually just seeing his face softens me but not this time. I’m not even going to repeat what I said about men. If you have been following this blog, I’m sure you have an idea. Lol. But I digress. Here’s my answer to the Ex Factor’s question about marriage: “They say what is illogical and unexplainable are acts of God. If you can reason it…it is in human form and does not require faith. As for marriage, I do believe it’s sacred. Sacred is saying it’s a sacrament that should not be broken but does not mean it cannot be broken for God gave us (humans) free will. I know it’s sacred because (1) it is ordained by God, (2) I steer clear of married men for I fear the wrath of God, and (3) I will not enter into marriage lightly. What is sacred does not mean it is guaranteed to last forever (God can make us no such promise because of the free will He gave us). It just means that there are consequences if it is broken. Many marry for many different reasons but it does not mean they viewed marriage as sacred. If one is questioning the sanctimony of marriage…they are really questioning their faith. For no one knows what the road holds but faith tells true believers that what is illogical and irrational is an act of God. This is why some couples who (from the outside) look odd may thrive in a way perfect looking couples do not. It is unexplainable. Romance is a human thing. Love and loyalty for someone when all the romantic feelings have long left you…is an unexplainable act of God. Had to think about it long and hard to give you my answer. I do believe in marriage but not in the way most do. I don’t believe one person can truly fulfill ALL of another’s needs forever (or even for a short period of time). But our duty to God is not about our needs. It’s about fulfilling His true purpose for us. The Bible says the first marriage is ordained by God. My mom and I argue about this often. If we have free will and we choose for ourselves…then that person may not be who God chose for us. Thus the first marriage may not be the first marriage in God’s eyes. Just my two cents which I’m sure you will disagree with. Lol. This is long but I don’t think you will mind since I’m not telling you off. Lol.” He now loathes my long curse him out texts. Hmmm…I wonder why? Lol. I don’t have all the answers but my faith tells me that marriage is very sacred. No one ever showed me what a healthy marriage looked like (even though the Michael’s have been legally married for 34 years🙄). My brother, Junior, says we have to teach ourselves what true love and commitment looks like since we have no blueprint. I admire his views and his strides to make that happen in his own relationship. As for me, I am a work in progress as I lay at night with my ego and pride. Lol. But I am no fool to think long term commitment (especially a marriage) is easy. The Ex Factor still lives in some sort of fairytale that I think his parents (who are now married 31 years) read to him. I pray his skepticism of marriage isn’t coming from them (who I have always heard referred to as happily married). I grew up in the school of the hard knocks with the Michael’s family. I have no where to go but up from here. No fairytale was ever recited to me but my mama taught me how to stand on faith and I think that’s what you need more than ever to excel in a marriage. Yes I illogically and irrationally love the Ex Factor but it’s clear he does not understand how unconditional love works. It is not something that makes sense. It is not in the human form…for unconditional love is an act of God. I cannot touch it. I cannot see it but my faith tells me that even in the trials and tribulations…it exists and it is a gift from God. ~KJM on Charm School Monday. 💕 I am a firm believer that you will only know if you can make it to forever…when you actually do.
I am so sorry that I have not blogged all week. After 9 days of being on vacation, getting up every morning was a struggle. On average, I ran behind 45 minutes to an hour each day but I did make it to work! 🙌🏽 Thank God for small miracles! Lol. Hopefully by next week I will be back to my normal schedule or just accept my new one! Lol. I hope you all had a very happy and positive start to 2018. 💕 Did you make any resolutions? I sure did not. In 2017, I made the most resolutions and achieved them all! From moving out on my own (again) to losing weight to reading for fun…I smashed the hell out of my goals! 🙌🏽 What achieving my short term goals taught me is I can do anything I put my mind to…whenever I want. For some, having very structured ways to go about achieving their goals works for them. For others like myself…that just does not work. All I did was remind myself that small changes add up to big changes over time. And then I also reminded myself that each goal is for my betterment. They are proof of my self love. That’s all it took for me to achieve all of my resolutions. And even when I back tracked on my goals (like weight loss) and ended up where I started…I reminded myself that small changes got me to where I wanted to be and it can do it again. You see…the power is always within us. I had goals and no time to second guess them. 2017 was a busy year on all levels. It gave me no time to dwell on my gains nor my losses. I HAD TO KEEP GOING! And that’s what I did. 🙌🏽 Put one foot before the other even when I could not see the way. And that’s how I achieved what appeared to be the unachievable! I just simply kept going and that is now what I’m asking you to do. Put one foot before the other, move forward, and be assured that the answers will come when they are suppose to. Remember that a setback says nothing about you except that you are human. Look for the positive in the setback and keep moving trusting that wherever you are headed to is full of self love and self acceptance for all beautiful things in life flow from both of those things. I wish you a magical and blessed year filled with the deepest self love, growth, and adventure you have ever known! 💕 ~KJM on Flashback Friday. 💜