One of the scariest things I’ve heard about folks (especially women over 35 years old) is that many settle when finding a life partner. 😳 Fuck! Being that I cannot even imagine living with a man…I don’t think this will be me but hey you never know. 🙄 Apparently women over 35 years old (especially the ones who definitely want children) have a greater chance of picking a good enough partner. Scary! I know relationships aren’t fairytales but I can’t imagine laying next to a man (for the rest of my life) just because I don’t want to be alone. In my opinion, there are two kinds of settling. The first is when you love someone who just doesn’t deserve you. I’ve done this twice in my life (Julio and the Ex Factor). And then there’s the I don’t care who he is…I just don’t want to be alone settling. Never been guilty of the latter because ALONE IS MY COMFORT ZONE! I vacation by myself…often…and the one relationship I’m constantly trying to improve is the one with myself. I do date nights with myself. Hell, I use to hit my own G spot better than anyone else (minus Crazy from college of course🙌🏽). I would be late for hanging out with my friends because I decided to give myself some extra attention! 🙌🏽😍🤣 I miss those days! 😘To me, men mean trouble so I generally pop my pill and hope to not bump into one I like….but if I do, my womb is protected! 🙌🏽 Now back to this settling mess. A wise person would say settling of any kind is bad but I tend to think that choosing the wrong one out of love is better than settling for any Johnny cum lately. But that’s just me! 😩 Not trying to justify the mess I’m in and have been in for the last 7 years. It’s a mess plain and simple. And while the Ex Factor and I struggle to let go…I just think to myself…what the fuck?! Lol. But I digress. The only thing I’ve been yearning for in the last 10 years is a dog and my Daddy still says no to me getting one because he doesn’t want to get stuck watching Poochie when I work too much or are off traveling. 😩 Really Daddy? I think you and Poochie would be so close. 🤣 Wait until he realizes that that’s his only chance at having a grandchild. 🤣It’s like a dog or nothing. Pending God’s plan of course. 🙄 But I digress again. It’s pretty scary to think that out of desperation me and my over 35 pals may pick anyone. Even with my biological clock being rolled under a MAC truck on I95s, this theory of settling to not be lonely is freaking scary. Terrified for a second but then had a brilliant thought. Let me play devil’s advocate. What if I told you that a large group of my friends (male and female) settled in their 20s! I’ve a good amount of friends on second marriages or divorced. No judgment here but the point is if one has a fear of being alone…it will probably pop up way before turning 35! Many of my friends got married almost right out of college to whomever they had been going steady with for more than 2 years. Some chose the spouse who could commit over a spouse that lights a fire in them. Meaning…many probably did not marry or settle down with the loves of their lives….cause as we know…sometimes the person we love the most…just ain’t good for us. Some folks married rebounds because the timing was right. And I’m not basing this from just my observation…I’m also basing it on what my friends have said! There is something refreshing about a man who can commit but every time I run into one…I usually have to force myself to be attracted to them. Referring to my ugly on the inside and outside rebound men with money. 😩🙄 It’s hard to meet a good quality person no matter their looks. Not to mention a lot of my female friends had to put up with ex wives and baby mamas. Is it too much to ask for a man who does not have this kind of baggage at 36?! This may be why I date younger! Accidentally of course. 😉 I don’t want to deal with physical baggage…I have enough emotional. 😐 That may sound selfish but that’s where I am. Settling is such a terrible concept but in actuality…most people do it at any age. Just some realize it later! 🙌🏽 ~KJM on Hump Day!
I hate gossip! That’s one of the reasons why I don’t do a gossip blog. Sometimes a few gossip headlines may catch my attention but they never hold it. I find that if one is focused on the lives of others (in a negative manner) then they are behind in handling their own life business. And if there’s one thing we will do at Kingston Expressions…is do our life’s work…no matter how hard and messy it gets! We will grow! 🙌🏽 Now on to today’s Charm School Monday lesson! On Saturday, I worked for a couple hours. Consultants often have to work crazy hours to keep their clients happy so I do just that. One of the OLDER (should be too old for this shit) ladies had just returned from vacation. Do you remember poison ivy from one of my earlier 2017 blogs? Yea it’s her again. As I was approaching my desk, I overheard her gossiping with another coworker about me. A third coworker also overheard and by the time I got to my seat, she had repeated poison Ivy’s last words about me. I’m not sure if she did it to be funny or to let me know that they had been discussing me. Either way I played it off and pretended to be unaware of the bull shit occurring. After all, I had fifteen minutes left of work and then my weekend would begin so I was just going to let it ride. What Poison Ivy was stating was not only untrue but it was something she had no personal knowledge of! Now for her to be spreading rumors about me when I’m only a few feet away is crazy. Knowing that she would like a rise out of me, I stayed calm, finished my work, and left…still smiling. I’m not going to lie it really bothered me. I don’t like people to defame my character but it finally sunk in why Ivy was trying to do just that! Clients generally love me and my work so on a whole, I make more than her. She spends all day kissing asses while I’m working my butt off. Ivy is from a privileged class while I am and will forever be the underdog. Privileged people never like to see the underdog rise. She does not get why my black ass is so smart! This is crazy since I’ve all the same credentials as Ivy but once again the privileged will always treat those that are not like the hired help. But I digress. If you recall, Ivy is probably somewhere in her 50s looking like she is 110 years old. The dents on top of dents in her face signal all the lies she’s told and all the hate she has in her heart. You can’t hate and expect to age well! 🙌🏽 That’s a fact and that’s why black don’t crack! Amen! While I was in my feelings about the incident, I remembered a meme I had read several months back. To sum it up, you are not ready to be successful if you aren’t ready for folks to be talking about you and trying to tear you down! Whoa! 🙌🏽 One cannot be a Barack Obama by being loved by everyone. If you are loved by everyone then you are probably a people pleaser that stands for nothing! And if you want to be great you have to stand for something…especially your own success! 🙌🏽 Jesus was not popular and was hated by many…hence His crucification! Remember that every time people try to tear you down! Keep going in your pursuit of happiness and excellence! Don’t stop to address your critics! Your success will do that for you! 🙌🏽~KJM saying watch out for those gossip folks but don’t let them deter you from being great! 😍 Happy Charm School Monday! 💕
It brings me no pleasure to write this mess but when I started this blog…almost 2 years ago, I promised myself that I would be brutally honest about my dating life! In the last couple of days, I’ve had to have the most uncomfortable conversations with the Ex Factor about the status of our sex life or shall I say…the lack there of. Now before I get into the details let me refresh your memory of some things. I have sold my soul at times to be with this man and wrote about it OPENLY. I’ve written to you guys the times I wasn’t loving myself the way I needed to. I embarrassed myself several times when discussing this situationship! This man has put me through hell and back yet I’ve still loved him. I say this all…to show you that today’s blog is not meant to put him down…it’s really meant to help me and others heal from not getting the things or the person we so desired….when GOD SAYS NO! I now understand that the Ex Factor, while ripping my heart apart, has been doing me a huge favor by not being a man but by staying a boy! I have gone through him not being good to me, putting me down through his actions (and now words), making me feel less than, and saying he loves me then taking it back! Oh I been through the fires of hell with him! So that’s why our current situation is so ironic. As the years have gone by, the Ex Factor has taken everything I’ve loved about “us” away. Our date nights. Our staycations. Nice caring words. All GONE! All he has left us with was sex! After many discussions about it, he says it’s because of his finances being tight but I smell bullshit! When that man was making probably around 3 bucks an hour (when we first met), he made me feel like the Queen of England! Finances my ass! That dude is trying to train me through his actions! He’s trying to say…bitch you ain’t shit so you better take this dick and be happy with it! ✌🏾✌🏾✌🏾😳😳🤣 I am actually laughing because I’ve peeped the game for a while now but I loved him. Now that I just care about him and my love is long gone (maybe went wherever his fake love has gone) …he ain’t got shit I want. That heavy feeling I’ve been feeling for the last year wasn’t a feeling of I love him and I don’t want to leave him (like I thought it was). It was a feeling of utter disgust consuming me…for I am fully turned off by the man I sometimes lay with. 😳 And to be clear, this is NOT about money! A bitch got her own. I am happy with a man who cares for me and has drive. Makes no matter how much he makes as long as whatever he has he is willing to share with me (like I would with him). The Ex Factor is limited and lazy. He has no passion for me because I’m not his true love but also because he has no fucking passion for himself! 🙌🏽 Yesterday, we were talking about what our ideal dream jobs would be. Mine is to own my own business…build a brand. I work crazy hours (that the Ex Factor makes fun of me for) 7 days a week for years plus I blog! Even when I had a 40 hours a week job (in my early 20s) I prepared for graduate school at night and volunteered on my off evenings! 🙌🏽 In college, I worked (sometimes two jobs) so I’ve never been a 40 hours a week bitch! I’m a go getter! When I asked the Ex Factor about his dream job…he said it was to be his own boss! Mfer what?! You need like 16 hours of sleep a night and you still fucking tired. 40 hours a week and chilling with his boys is his main focus! Not even when I was a teenager was I that fucking misguided! I was always focused! Having a rough childhood does that to folks! I always have to go get mines and defend it too because tomorrow is not promised. I don’t know why he lied to me? Was it to impress me? To match my goals with his? Son you ain’t have to do that! Just be you because I’m no longer buying what you selling. At this point in his life, the Ex Factor has no drive to do shit…not even his favorite hobby…SEX! Which brings me to why I’m blogging today! The thought of him touching me has made me want to throw up at times but I hung in there because I loved him. The last fucking time he’s put any energy into our sex life was Mother’s Day weekend (May 2015)!!! ✌🏾We have had two good moments since…in 2016 (June when we first slept together again and around his birthday end of November). Both of those times, I did all the fucking work! 😳🙄 His laziness even shows in the bedroom! Like what the fuck! I hope he is kicking it with another bitch so she can do all the work and get him to stop texting me! ✌🏾 Now I’m just as surprised as you that shit has gotten to this point. Never did I think there would be a day I could not stand him touching me! But that’s what inconsistency and hurt will do to a bitch! All this time, he’s had the upper hand (caring less when I cared more) and all he left me with was sex and you know what? That was a bad fucking idea! I’ve been dick whipped once in my life (with Crazy in college) and it’s never happened since…not even with Phoenix’s freaky ass! But I digress… I just had to tell the Ex Factor that we have no spark and I don’t even like laying in his arms! His response was I seemed into it when we are doing it! 🙄 Bro, how would you fucking know? Your selfish ass cums when I’m just getting started and then you fall asleep for hours like it was the best thing ever while I’m waiting for you to get the fuck up and leave my crib! 🙌🏽 Cause you can’t stay over with that performance! The shocking thing is…all this time I’ve been feeling like I’m not good enough when it’s really him that isn’t good enough for me! 🙌🏽 I chose him 7 years ago over (Julio and Phoenix) because he seemed caring and seemed like he had my back. “SEEMED” is the correct word. Cause he was never about anyone but himself. 😐 I tried and tried and all he did was take! I’m exhausted from it all and disappointed in myself. I’m off sex for a while. Funny thing is when Julio and I ended, I was no longer attracted to Julio but with the Ex Factor, he may have just turned me off from men in general! I mean I get horny but the thought of these no good men getting hard for me leaves me feeling nauseous! ✌🏾 I am waiting for some guy who is serious about me and serious about pleasing me! I want a man who is driven in his own life and then in mine and my bedroom! This limp dick shit no longer works for me and that’s what happens when all you offer a woman that cares for you is sex and sex ain’t even your strength! 😳 She will rate you…just on sex! 🙌🏽 ~KJM on Throwback Thursday! I miss my libido! And sure hope it’s not too long until I meet a great man! Until then pussy shop closed until further notice (or until I bump into a random hot guy that I want to test out for a night and then send him home)! Lol. Now when it comes to the Ex Factor, I can never say never because he has like 9 lives but if you hear me saying we had sex….either he grew into a caring man and we spent some serious time rebuilding or my self esteem took a hit and I decided not to wait for my April 2018 Pap smear for vaginal stimulation! Ouch! 🙌🏽😩
Recently, I’ve had a number of readers write to me about how they struggle with forgiving their spouses. One reader is still so hurt from her husband’s affair (over a decade ago). Now you know I don’t like to give the marrieds (or anyone for that matter) advice but UNFORGIVENESS is like my thing (sad to say). While I believe that he did not sleep with her, I spent years punishing the Ex Factor for talking to that chick back in late 2012. You see we wrote some of the rules for our situationship from the jump. Monogamy was one of them. The rule was if we met someone else that we would want to explore with…we would let the other one know FIRST before pursuing the new person. Seven years later and I’ve yet to meet anyone that I want to explore with but I have broken things off to get a break from the Ex Factor and chill with Mister Good For Right Now. With that being said, I held onto that shit until this year! I’ve never trusted him since. It may sound psycho saying this since we were just in a situationship but always remember that for the GEMINI any betrayal is a huge betrayal. We treat it all like your dick or pussy betrayed us. Makes no difference to us if actual physical cheating took place. 🙌🏽 And that one situation pushed the Ex Factor off of the high pedestal I had him on. He fell from grace and…became HUMAN! But I digress…What I’ve learned from that mess was forgiveness is a one way street that divides at one point. It’s either you forgive and move on or you forgive and rebuild a better relationship (through counseling and strengthening communication) BUT what you cannot do is say you forgive, want to work things out, and then spend every day of the rest of your lives punishing your spouse! 🙌🏽 Read that line over again! If you lie to yourself and your spouse by pretending you have let go of their infidelity, you are now the person messing up! And worst of all, the person you are enslaving is YOURSELF! 🙌🏽 Yea…take that in! You are enslaving yourself! The sole reason, I believe, that I have not been able to successfully let go of the Ex Factor is because I never truly forgave him for hurting me back in December 2012! 😳 Negative feelings can bind you to a person just as much (if not more) as positive feelings! So while I thought it was love that tied me to him, it was really my need to torture his ass for breaking my heart! Sick….I know but knowledge is power and I’m now writing this from the start of a healing place. The thing about affairs is it makes the person cheated on feel less than. Even when we know our worth, the mind is a crazy place. It makes us doubt what the heart tells us….that our spouse is human and made a huge mistake. If your spouse has never cheated again and fully recommitted to the relationship then you need to too! That is unless any cheating is a deal breaker for you. In that case, you may want to forgive and move on. Though if you are married, I strongly believe marriages are not to be entered into nor existed lightly! So you better make sure you’ve done all you can do before you walk away with regrets! Ironically, Crazy slept with half of Penn State’s female population while we were dating and I never held anything against him when we stayed friends for years. I mean I was pissed at the time but because I never truly loved him so my heart and mind did not hold on to his sins! Not to mention, I paid his ass back nicely when I met and chose Jason! 🙌🏽 Never cheat in revenge! I don’t recommend it but when I was young…I accidentally did and when I saw the hurt on Crazy’s face (though we were broken up so it wasn’t cheating in this instance) as he was fucking up my apartment once he saw the huge hicky Jason left on my neck…I couldn’t help but think we were finally fucking even! 🙌🏽 But yea…don’t be young Kingston! Lol. Now let me get back on track. Our UNFORGIVENESS is more about us than the person that hurt us. We have to do the work on ourselves (whether or not our spouse recommits to us). Free yourself from the hurt. You were treated less than but you are more than…shown through your love and forgiveness to a partner that is willing to do the work and not betray us again. You are worthy my dear. To my reader I say, God is love and if God can forgive us, who are we not to forgive others? ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. Strange topic for today but since I’ve been working on myself and the status of my heart…there is no time like the present to discuss something heavy on my heart. I really hope today’s blog helps many. Editor’s tip: when I’m remembering hurts from the Ex Factor, I make a mental note of all the crap he has forgiven me for….because neither of us are perfect! One love💜
Yesterday, I took my family to the movies to see “Girls Trip” and they loved it. It was my second time seeing it! 🙌🏽 The first time I saw it, I was emotionally messed up so a memory escaped me. But yesterday, more relaxed and with my family…I remembered. 😭 Our first date was lunch and the movies. The Ex Factor LOVES the movies. During the height of our situationship, I saw so many movies. The movies was never my thing but it was his and when he opened up the door into his world…I gladly walked in. What I found out was I love going to the movies. It’s been like 2.5 years (February 2015) since he’s taken me to the movies. Why do I mention this? Because it’s symbolic. It was the beginning of him closing himself off. I had closed myself off in December 2012. Interesting. Don’t think it occurred to me then that we were on a road where no doors would open for either of us (with each other) anymore. Yesterday, I sat in the movie theater and I remembered…a time when we really enjoyed each other’s company. Now I look at us and I don’t recognize us. I know some of you are saying….well it wasn’t a marriage so things would be different had it been a serious relationship. 🙄 Even though I have never been married nor super serious with anyone, I have enough married friends to know this is not true. Long term relationships of any kind can lose its intimacy. Because that’s what the movies was…a form of intimacy. A world we were sharing together. Folks stop opening doors (literally and figuratively) and soon they stop listening to each other followed by the lack of touch. This is why I want a break from the physical. With all the other areas so disconnected, his touch is not yearned for. Two hours more of sleep would do me one better. We no longer speak the same language and our times going to the movies are long over. This was the start of how we got here. I always hesitate to give advice in people’s personal lives but experience is the best teacher. Sharing that experience just may change someone’s world for the better. So here we go…the what not to do! Lol. Each couple needs something the other does not but some form of intimacy (however defined by each couple) transcends amongst us all. If you feel your partner slipping away or you are pulling away…don’t spend years ignoring it…hoping shit gets better because it won’t! Nothing gets better without work! If the Ex Factor had addressed the fact that I vacation around 7 times a year without him, I would have said to him that I tried to share that world with him but he shut me down so after a while…I closed that door. If I had addressed the fact that we haven’t been to the movies since “50 Shades Of Grey” came out…maybe we would be in a better place. Traveling is to me as the movies is to him. I remember times when I would get on the plane already missing him. Now I get on the plane and I’m off the grid to the world…and him. I shut down to regroup and prepare for the new level of uncomfortableness headed our way. Don’t let your situation (dating, situationship, engaged, or married) get that messed up. Sometimes people get so far gone until they are on their own island by the time their partner notices that there is no way of reaching them. No way of saying…come back to me whole and lovingly. No way of saying forgive me. No way of saying I forgive you. No way of uttering I want you…I need you…in your entirety. No way of relieving a moment that is already lost in the wind. Yesterday, I remembered what it was like to be in his world. So many yesterday’s have passed since we disconnected. Too many to count. As a result, his touch is foreign and I am saddened. What is lost in the wind rarely makes its way back. ~KJM on Charm School Monday.
I told him…I felt like I was floating away from him but he thought he knew better. A man only knows a man. Man has no clue what dwells in the heart and soul of a woman. But he still thought he knew better. We began spending less and less time together. Things actually got worse once I got my own apartment. You see before…we use to have a get away spot where we would laugh, talk, cuddle, and make love. In some rare but very much needed moments….we would stay locked up together for two days and it was great! I could hang on through the bad as long as the good out weighed it. But in the last year, he had no time for me. Days of love making was reduced to a few minutes a month. It felt strange laying in his arms and most of the time, I was relieved when he left. No longer wanting him to stay with me. I felt myself floating away but he still thought he knew best. Something was pulling him away from me and after a while…I no longer cared where he went. I just wanted my inner peace. For most men, touch is so important but for many of us women, touch without true intimacy (from a man we care for) is a betrayal of our bodies. 🙌🏽 So while my mind and heart battled out whether to stick things through…my body was going through a war. His touch was foreign and unwanted but me still trying to please him….allowed him to touch me. Most of the time he selfishly ignored the fact that I was not even moist in my sensational temple. I was DRY and had been that way for two years! But he thought he knew better. He says he’s been keeping his dick to himself and I believe him. But what his dick does was the least of my concern. The condition of his heart was the deepest way he could betray me. I feel numbness. Emptiness…when I lay next to him. Yet I am full of life, when he leaves. While I have no desire for another man, I also have no desire for the man that lays next to me. I’m just waiting for this stranger to get up and leave. We aren’t married and aren’t even seriously dating (after 7 years) that’s why I’m being so open with you all. I have no foundation to protect. The effects of lack of true intimacy while sexual intercourse occurs only leads to a woman desiring something else. Maybe someone else. For man’s touch alone without love, trust, security, and quality time cannot sustain the heart of a woman. She is but an empty vessel…awaiting something deeper, lasting, mind blowing, and earth shattering. And I finally accepted the fact that there is nothing the flesh can do to save us. For he is just a man and man by creation…is limited. Thus my serenity is found in accepting that I’m in waiting. My body triumphed my mind and my heart. It could no longer continue to be betrayed for it was created to nourish and to build….not to be an empty vessel. ~KJM on Serenity Saturday.
I have been doing my best to distance myself from the Ex Factor while working on who I am as a person. One of the realest conversations (and most difficult) I have had to have with myself was about the truth of why I am so resentful and angry with the Ex Factor. I have made so many mistakes along the way…like not having a clear cut relationship contract from the jump, stupidly thinking my love alone could carry us, foolishly thinking he was supportive of my drive (didn’t realize he had a need to be the provider), beating myself up about leaving him at times he definitely deserved to be left, letting him dwell in my heart for 7 years, allowing him to treat me like I’m nothing, and taking him back time after time. Man that list is long! 😳🙄 What I can no longer do is carry baggage that is not mine. From the moment I told most women (not my friends that have dated and married younger guys) the Ex Factor’s age…they declared us doomed. I was constantly asked when would I get married and have children? Many of these women have known me for a decade and change and know first hand that if I wanted these things, I would have had them! Many times over! Yes the last 7 years seem like a huge waste but not because they were my birthing years! I have no biological desire to have children! As a matter of fact, children only come up when the guy I’m dating brings them up! For the Ex Factor, no children is a deal breaker. He made that clear long ago and I made it clear (as I do with all my men who bring children up) that I am OPEN to being a mother but I take having children very seriously…more seriously than I do marriage! While no one can be 100% certain they have chosen the right person to have children with, I want to be at least 99% sure! And I’m so fucking serious about this that even in my almost 4 years of celibacy throughout my sexual history, I still popped my fucking pill! 🙌🏽 You know I believe that dick falls out the sky and I’m not trying to get got! If the women in my family (most of them) had been this selective and brutally honest with their lack of a desire to just be a mom for being a mom’s sake….some of us children wouldn’t be here and thus, would not have such a huge disconnect with our mothers! 🙌🏽 So no I cannot be angry that the Ex Factor wasted my most fertile years because I did not want a baby in the last 7 years! Truth be told, I would have been fucking pissed if we had gotten pregnant and even if I was pregnant now, I would be livid!!!! I use to think I was protecting the Ex Factor’s youth by making sure we never got pregnant but I was really protecting my damn self! Too many folks having kids and thinking about what to do with them AFTER! 🙌🏽 That is not the life I envisioned for myself! I can do better and even if I fail…at least I fucking tried! Same sentiments with marriage! If the Ex Factor and I had turned serious in this last year, it would be at least another 5 years before I would want to be married and even think about children! He would need to learn how to live on his own and pay bills before I would even entertain us putting our finances and our lives together. Plus…I AM NOT READY! I am not even fucking ready to live with a man! Out of all the guys I’ve dated, I could stomach Jason (college sweetheart) and the Ex Factor the longest but never did I want to live with either! I LOVE WAKING UP IN MY QUEEN SIZE BED ALONE! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽 Most women don’t get that but it’s true! I am just not ready. I think that’s why my heart chose the Ex Factor 7 years ago…because I was in no hurry and I knew I could grow slowly with him (at a snail’s pace). 🙄 So no, I have no right to be resentful about shit most women are on a timeline for and I am not! 🙌🏽 But I have every right to feel cheated from thinking I was slowly building with someone who loved me and wanted to build with me! Even that though…I will have to let go of soon. I’m working on it. ~KJM has officially been warned on Flashback Friday. Any more time wasted…is on ME!
This week I am in full throwback mode! From gushing at pictures of Jason and I to shredding old love letters written by Julio…20 years ago! As my nostalgia gets the best of me, I cannot help but wonder…what happened to Old Kingston?! She was filled with so much happiness. Plus she was bold as hell! Now I’m sad a lot and feel less adventurous. 😭 It’s one thing if I had a husband and children and lost my way….that’s a common thing. But it’s just me. It’s always been just ME…so how could I lose some of the best parts of me?! Going to graduate school in NC is where I think an insecure Kingston was born. It was a tough and rigorous program where we were all bright. The sadness of feeling like I always had to try harder than others coupled with the fact that nothing ever comes easily to me…never left me. Plus Julio broke up with me while I was waiting for my grades at the end of the first year of my program. Ten years off and on…down the damn drain. He left me when I needed him the most but it turns out…he did me a huge favor. Yea I’ve been through hell and back with the Ex Factor but I’ve always been my own person (while fucking up my life) instead of being forced into a life of marriage with children with a man I know I would have regretted marrying. So Julio saved me a divorce and a life with children that I never really wanted. 🙌🏽 At the time of our final split, my heart was broken into about a billion pieces. It was the hardest I had ever taken a break up. For 3 months, all I ate were those GIANT HERSHEY BARS and cried everywhere I went. My family was so worried about me but at least I was eating something! Thank goodness I was so tiny then that a diet of only chocolate didn’t kill my body! Can’t do that shit now! I would be a million pounds! 😳😩🤣 With my tiny waist in tow, I went back to graduate school and finished my program! 🙌🏽 My next self esteem hit came when I graduated at the height of the recession and there were no jobs! Julio was back in my life (as just a friend I occasionally slept with until I realized I was no longer attracted to him and had to stop), Phoenix reemerged (also as just a friend), and then I met and fell for the Ex Factor. Once again, I was struggling and Julio was not there for me. It left me vulnerable to the one person who had the time and energy to be there for me. This one simple act of kindness, in Summer 2010, is why I have put up with the Ex Factor for so long. When I was down and out…he was there. Knowing what I know now…and looking back…the Ex Factor was caring and affectionate because he was trying to prove to his friends that he wasn’t heartbroken over finding out his first love had repeatedly fucked one of his best friends. 😳 I was just a beautiful rebound to him and he was the person that met and held me at my rock bottom so maybe we both hung on for all the wrong reasons. I will say this though…my love was real. That is not something I could fake for 7 years! And I haven’t been at my rock bottom since 2013…so I loved even when my initial reasons may not have been great. For whatever the reasons, he held me down at my worst. And now I feel like I’ve more than paid him back by sticking through all the unkind words and treatment. So that’s where Old Kingston went. The minute she lost her ability to financially take care of herself…her self esteem took a hit with every check she couldn’t write! 😩 Now we all have moments like these in life. Doesn’t mean overall we have low self esteem…it just means that the world whooped our asses and as we were fighting to get up…we forgot to pick up all the pieces. I financially got right but forgot my value and worth as a black woman. Have no fear though because Old Kingston is still the foundation of who I am. She’s there…I just have to be brave enough to tap into her… ~KJM on Throwback Thursday! 😘 FYI click into this blog to see a picture of “Old Kingston” and head over to my Instagram account to see a very intimate photograph of Jason and I. 😍
Love escape me. Please don’t ever visit. That use to be my prayer. Let me just travel and enjoy life so love please be kind and just escape me. This was me my entire dating life until two years ago. Something happened (unbeknownst to me) and just like that…playing games and hiding feelings no longer appealed to me. I didn’t need to be married right away (still feel that way) but I got sick of the unknown. And with this change came a feeling of bitterness as I saw the Ex Factor how he sees himself…AS LIMITED and I was settling…lowering my standards because I loved him deeply. To show you how unusual that is for me, the other day I was talking to Papa Michaels (my Daddy) and I mentioned my feelings for the Ex Factor. My dad quietly said he had never heard me say I cared about any guy much less love a guy. Deep! And it’s true. So many times I thought I could care but true bad girls can only care for a short moment until they run up on their exception. 🙌🏽 My exception did not deserve to be my exception but I digress. Yesterday, it felt so good to write about a positive dating situation. Hope you caught up on Monday’s blog called “The Good Guy (How Youth Teaches Us To Be Stupid Edition).” I got so much positive feedback from strangers and people who knew Jason and I in college. It was so freeing to be a happy ex with someone that I have no ill will towards. We split because we weren’t in love…just in deep like. Plus he’s a West Coast guy and I’m a East Coast girl for life! 🙌🏽 I wanted to publicly share a picture of Jason and I at the height of our happiness but I’m still debating. We’ve both moved on and I would never want to do anything to make him and his girl uncomfortable….though in the position we are in…you can’t really see our faces! 😍 If I do decide to share…it will be on throwback Thursday. And before anyone even goes there…holding onto the memory is not holding onto the man. He represents a great (not perfect) dating experience and I’m just so grateful to have had that. The Jason memory reminded that I do have the ability to accidentally pick some great guys. May have lost my compass these last 7 years but I’m getting back to the Kingston I was with Jason. Sexy and free. Uninhibited and relaxed. Til then this reformed bad girl is going to try to steer clear of bad boys while falling in love with some of my bad girl ways again. I am changed from all I have been through but I’m trying to make it a positive change. I’m looking to meet a secure, commitment ready, selfless, funny, and caring guy that’s all about me and only me. But I’m in no rush. Old Kingston would have just wanted to have fun…like I did with Jason. No love feelings just trust and security until I bump into my forever guy….whether he be a Boaz, Abraham, Elijah (the biblical one), Jonah, Moses, or David. I’m definitely off sex for a while. Between the Ex Factor and the non biblical Elijah, I am so turned off by sex. It just seems pointless and like wasted time. I just want a straight guy to hold my hands for at least 6 months while making me laugh. I think that’s the only way I can rebuild trust again with men. I am 36 and unmarried with no kids and I really have no regrets about that. I don’t want to be stuck with someone I settled for. Would rather soar alone on this earth…free from standing in time with someone who never deserved to know me in the first place.🙌🏽 So how does a bad girl develop a fetish for bad boys? By wanting the same nothingless situations…until she has a desire to be a good woman. As always, I am a work in progress! 😘 ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. Steer clear of the bad boys and gravitate to a man who has been praying to God for you! 🙌🏽
So I’m still in the process of unpacking my life…figuratively and literally. Yesterday, I found an old photo album filled with pictures from my last year in college! 😍 I could not stop laughing and smiling. Those memories brought me so much joy…so much so that I uploaded some of them to my private Facebook (after using my iPhone to take a photo of a photo…God bless Kodak cameras from back in the day!). My friends and I all laughed at how happy and silly we were. One photograph in particular struck my heart with joy..it was of me and my college sweetheart, Jason, kissing at the exact minute it turned the New Year into 2003! 😍 One of my homegirls had snuck in with me into the hotel where he and his entire football team were staying the night before Penn State’s bowl game! We ended up spending the night…5 of us in a room. The women (my boo’s roomie had his girl with him too so it was 3 of us women) hiding when the coaches came to do a room check! 😍🙌🏽 It was simply the best time I’ve ever had in Orlando, Florida! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽 While Jason and I were never in love…what we had from 2002-early 2005 was magical. He’s truly the only good guy I’ve ever dated. Jason believed in romance and he showed it. He was the first guy to make me LOVE cuddling and really the only guy that it felt natural laying in his arms. 😘 His word was always his bond and he believed in coming for me…no matter what state I was in. He’s the only guy to make such huge gestures! I mean he wasn’t perfect…no one is but when he did things…he did it big. For example, when we were dating everyone knew it including the entire Penn State Football team. If someone saw me out without him and I was drinking…one of his teammates (especially his roomie) would make sure I got home safely. Jason always held my hands, he waited patiently for months for me to be ready to have sex…while holding me every night…all through the night…and when we finally did it…I named him my most passionate lover. The way he kissed me…held me…I’ve never experienced that since. I know what you are wondering…if he was so great what went wrong?! Jason and I met in Spanish 3 Class in Fall of 2001. I had already been sleeping with Crazy at the time. At first sight, Jason looked like he ran track but I later found out that he was a wide receiver for Penn State’s Football Team. He was a year younger than me and a damn Sagittarius (like all my other long term men). Jason was humble and cool for someone who was part of a team that were treated like gods. Football and school were his life. Jason wasn’t a party dude and he is actually the person that got me to love the Hallmark Channel. His tenderness mixed with his strength was fucking impressive. Then there’s me…bad girl for life! 🙌🏽 Jason was a quiet homebody and I was wild and loud! No one understood what we saw in each other. But when we were alone, Jason talked a lot. And when things were good with him (which was most of our dating life except two brief times) I felt so secure and loved even though we weren’t in love. Fall 2001, Jason and I became Spanish 3 oral partners. It sounds nasty but it was for school except when I accidentally told him I wanted to fuck in his bed (in Spanish). 🙄😳🤣 Even then we never dated because I was still kicking it with Crazy. Spring 2002, Crazy started running the streets and sleeping with every bitch he saw. As I pressured him to be more serious (can’t turn a hoe into a househusband), it was obvious Crazy and I were going to have to go our separate ways. That day came and it just so happens that I was in the HUB (Penn Staters get what this is) with one of my homeboys and Jason was passing by. I told him to CALL me on a personal tip because I was looking for a new man! And so he did! My homeboy was dying with laughter at my boldness! 🙌🏽 I miss that brave and sexy Kingston! 😩 Crazy broke up with me at 3:30pm that same afternoon and Jason was over my place by 6:30pm! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽 That’s what you call PIMPING! 🙌🏽 Crazy called later that night wanting to stop by to talk when he saw my homegirls at the club and I wasn’t with them. That bitch thought I was home crying! NOPE! I let Crazy know that my new man was over and we both would not appreciate his visit! ✌🏾Lmfao. Jason held me for months! We just cuddled and kissed and held hands. He had also just gotten out of a bad relationship shortly before dating me so I think we both needed to take it slow. And so he continued to HOLD ME as Crazy tried to fight his way back into my life. I think this is why neither Jason nor I could fall in love with each other. Too much baggage and pain from our exes. But we enjoyed each other sexually and outside the bedroom. I laughed the most with him. Jason was from the West Coast so he had a type of flava I had never seen in a guy before. He made those Hawaiian shirts look good. And through sex I fattened his ass…through climax after climax…where that skinny guy I met the year before was now built like a Black Greek god (he was half African, half European). Sexy as shit. All the women after me…should be thanking my ass! I left him in damn good condition! 🙌🏽 While Jason was so good to me…I wasn’t always so good to him (unbeknownst to him). I had slip up after slip up with Crazy. For a second, I thought I was in love with two guys. Truth was…I was in LUST with both. When the shit hit the fan though…I surprisingly chose Jason. And it was an easy choice at that…because he was loyal and kind. He deserved the same from me. So I tried. But when you had never been treated well by a guy it’s hard to meet a good guy. They don’t seem real but good guys are out there! That’s what Jason represents…HOPE TO MEET ANOTHER GREAT GUY! 🙌🏽 So I’m keeping hope alive with this great memory in my heart. I was respected by the guy I dated and cared for privately and publicly! My standards were high once! Don’t know how they had drop so low since! 😩 Sometimes I feel like the Ex Factor is my KARMA for all the wrong I did in my Jason relationship. Well I have paid my fucking dues!!!! Time for someone better! Last I heard of Jason (I stayed friends with him until 2012), he had met the love of his life (on the West Coast) and they bought a house together. I pray they are both treating each other well and living in love to the fullest. The Jason I knew deserves nothing less. I wish them nothing but the best! As for me, I am so grateful for the memories of Jason…picking me up when I fell asleep in odd places and placing me in the bed with no expectations of sex…opening all doors (including car doors) for me even when no one was around for all the years we dated! 🙌🏽 Clearly a real man raised him! And I thank him for being the only man to travel for me…from PA to meet me and my family in NJ to MD (where I was living after college), then to head back to PA again…all in a 3 day span! We weren’t in love but I felt more loved than I ever did with any other guy that claimed to love me. I thank you for my happy times Jason and for all the years of friendship! I let go of our friendship so you could be truly happy and I sure hope you are! ~KJM on Charm School Monday. Editor’s Note: Youth teaches us that time is on our side and that there are more great people to meet in life but silly rabbit…tricks are for kids. It’s been 16 years since I first met Jason and I’ve never met anyone even close to being as great as him…..