Happy Hump Day! Today I’m going to cover two articles I came across. I read one on xoNecole (about a woman who saved her virginity for her husband only to end up with bad sex) and one in Essence (about a woman who has not had sex with her husband in 3.5 years!). Now let me start off by saying two things: (1) I do not give married people advice so I can only approach these two topics as a single woman dating and (2) SEX IS AN IMPORTANT FORM OF COMMUNICATION!!!! The latter gets so downplayed…especially when people are deeply religious! I’m more spiritual than religious so I have no issue with going there! Recently, my own sex life was slipping but I did not let it go down in flames! I had a talk with the Ex Factor that put us on an orgasmic upward swing. 😘 If you have been dating for years, you can find yourselves in a rut just like any married couple. Sometimes it’s because you guys are taking each other for granted and/or the world just swallows you up, whether you have children or not. That’s one of the myths I want to debunk! Children are not the only thing that can kill your sex life! So many things come into play as grown adults try to make it in the world! Still got to make time to touch each other in loving ways though! That takes me to Bad Sex Chronicles number 1: the virgin. Now I’m not going to tell you to wait for marriage or not. I did not and I have no regrets about that. I was two years old when my parents got married so they surely didn’t stress that I had to wait for marriage….they just had three rules: (1) Sex safely and responsibly on my own terms, (2) don’t be giving it away to everybody, and (3) always know who your baby daddy is! My folks are not about that Maury life! 🤣 The rules were the same for the boys and the girls in my house. The Michaels were not trying to be young grandparents and so far they aren’t! 🙌🏽 So that debunks another myth that if parents speak to their kids about sex then kids are going to be out there doing it. Nope! I lost my virginity when I was almost 19 years old and already away at college but I digress. If you saved yourself for someone and the sex is unsatisfying…you must talk about it! Now many people asked how did this young lady know that her husband’s sex was bad sex when she had never had it before… um you don’t have to have had it before to know your body doesn’t like that type of sex! Julio and I lost our virginities to each other and while I loved the fact that we were comfortable enough to explore with each other….I almost immediately wondered what it was like to sleep with other guys! 😳 So I knew (from having no previous experience as I did not even let him and his penis play in my vaginal area the years before we had sex) that there was more to sex. My body just knew….so this lady can know too that her husband sucks in bed! Most of the time, bad sex is a sign of having bad communication in other parts of the relationship. Both communication inside and outside of the bedroom can affect your sex life! 😩 This is so important to remember! If you and your partner are out of sync outside the bedroom…you can best believe your sex life will be awkward at best and not pleasurable at worst! 😳🙄 This is why it’s so important to sit down and talk with your spouse. I recommend at least a yearly sex chat if you are in a long term relationship. Preferences change, health issues can develop, and the need for exploration is usually there for one or both parties. Don’t get so familiar that you assume you know what your partner likes! Just because she liked that little thing you use to do ten years ago…doesn’t mean she likes it now…so check in! Be open. Be honest. And give yourselves homework on what you can work on to increase your partner’s pleasurability! 🙌🏽 Don’t just focus on what you are missing! It takes two to tango so you better figure out how you can step up your game too! That’s what it takes to be a good sex partner! 🙌🏽 Now what if you discuss what you need in the bedroom and your partner won’t try it or does not improve? 😳 As a dating person, you really don’t have to take that! So many dicks in the pond that you can just go find one! However, if you are in love (because other things do matter in a relationship besides sex), I suggest seeking out a sex therapist! Life is too short to settle for bad sex! Next up on the Bad Sex Chronicles…the lady that has not had sex with her husband in 3.5 years! Now if he’s not gay or cheating…he may have some medical issue he is not discussing with you. If he still won’t talk about it with you…get thee to that sex therapist! I don’t know how one can survive 3.5 years not being touched by the person they love the most…I was only getting it once a month and I almost burnt down the Ex Factor’s house! 🤣 Just kidding! But in a dating relationship, no sex for 3.5 years and y’all been together for 6 is just unacceptable! When the Ex Factor is not touching me and reenforcing his sweet words with sweet touches…I feel insecure. I want only his touch so if we went that long without doing it…I imagine we would be fighting everyday! Like I said before, sex is not the most important thing in a relationship but it is important! Never forget that. Whether you are having sex or not…it’s going to be an issue that comes up. Once again, be honest and open! I’m not gonna lie…3.5 years of boo not touching me would most likely lead to me cheating! 🙄😐 Plus if he isn’t having some psychological or medical issue…he may have already been cheating too! Over three years is just way too much time to not feel connected and there just has to be a breakdown in communication in other areas that is now visiting you guys in the bedroom! Talk about it before things get out of control! In dating, if you find out that you two are not sexually compatible, you may just have to move on cause if the sex sucks now…it won’t get better in marriage! 🙌🏽 Now the rules get even more interesting when you just started dating! I give bad sex two to three times a try before I decide that that dick ain’t worth saving! But watch out…I gave Elijah three chances and ended up with a rip in my asshole and the rabbit (a sex toy) shoved into my vagina! 😳😩🙄 I should have heeded the warning signs that it wasn’t going to be great sex but to be honest nothing could have prepared me for the crazy shit Elijah pulled! 🔪🔪🔪 But if you remember correctly, I dated him for 6 months more but I never let his ass touch my pussy nor my asshole again! The nerve!!! 🔪🔪🔪 We just went on sexless dates! Plus it took my asshole like three months to heal! 😳🙄 But back to your possible bad sex experiences! If after two to three times the sex is still bad….I’m done because like this guy ain’t nobody I truly care for! ✌🏾 Now with the Ex Factor things were different. We started off having mind blowing sex for years and only found ourselves in a rut these last two years. If a man you love use to sex you right, work with him! You already know his potential in and out of the bedroom! Communicate! And for the record…the Ex Factor is one of only two men (Crazy from college being the other) that I’ve slept with where I never thought about another guy while having sex with them! Even with Phoenix, I use to pretend I was sexing the Ex Factor! But what makes the Ex Factor the game changer is he is the ONLY MAN that I love AND lust for!!! 😍 It’s the first time that my heart and my pussy are connected! 🙌🏽 ~KJM on Hump Day! Happy Humping! 😉☺️
Well it’s Temptation Tuesday and this one is going to be a shit show! Yesterday I read a very long, informative, and depressing article on Oprah.com titled “The New Midlife Crisis…Why (and How) It’s Hitting Gen X Women” by Ada Calhoun. Please do not read this article without having an entire bottle of wine at hand! It was so truthful and yet so fucking depressing! Many of my friends did not even make it to the end of the article! Of course, I…without wine nor a Xanax, boldly read every last word! The premise is that Gen X women (myself included) are the forgotten middle children! We are more educated than our mothers, more exhausted (whether we have children or not), are more likely to end up alone because our parents are more likely to be divorced than any other group so we don’t have a blueprint to keep our relationships together and thus, we are fucking jaded (🙄 tell me something I didn’t know), there are less of us than the generations above us and below us…thus we have a greater chance of being older parents while caring for our own aging parents, we start to get “perry” or premenopausal symptoms almost a decade earlier than our mothers, and we feel defeated because we worked our asses off but because of two recessions, we most likely have had long periods of unemployment, are still living paycheck to paycheck, and only to find out more recessions are most likely on their way as we start to age out of the youthful employee category! So to sum up my sum of Ada’s article…we Gen X women are fucked!!! It’s not like I didn’t feel what Ada was saying way before I read this article (I think my Crisis started at age 29…when unemployment ravaged my soul and my self esteem) but to see it all in bold print…I wanted to throw the fuck up! I did everything “right.” Did not become a teenage mom, didn’t choose marriage over myself, closed shop on my womb, have multiple degrees, and dove into a career that has not been rewarding…to my pockets nor my soul. I’m a consultant so I really don’t have a retirement plan. Fucked. Fucked. Fucked. Only good news in Ada’s article is that it didn’t matter whether I chose a husband or not…most of us Gen X women are gonna die alone anyways! 🙌🏽 We out live men and most may leave us before they drop dead! 😩Ain’t that a bitch…that that’s the only silver lining I saw in the article! And why isn’t the female Midlife Crisis not spoken about more?! Because society focuses on the men’s! 🖕🏾According to Ada, women tend to start going through their midlife crisis way before men so by the time men start with their antics…we have adjusted! And guess what that gets some of us? Our older mates now want younger women and the life we created with them ain’t enough! 😳 Jesus be a fence! Like why do we Gen X women even try?! It didn’t matter whether I got pregnant at 15 or 50…I was going to be fucked anyways! Struggling. Exhausted. Feeling like a failure even though we are stronger than our mothers! Built to survive alone. That’s good since that’s one of our fates! I’m literally on my morning commute craving wine. But I’m just gonna save my coins and pull over and get that cheap wine…like the Boone’s Farm! Ain’t drank that shit since college but no time to spend more money on expensive wine….when Ada says I’m gonna need every dime for my retirement either on Pookie’s island or a homeless shelter…no in between baby! Yea this is the life of the brilliant Gen X woman! Did I mention that we have also lived through 9/11 and other terror attacks around the world?! No wonder believing in fairytales and a good life are so hard! We are too busy dodging bullets off our asses while protecting our loved ones, grabbing a few degrees, bringing home the bacon, and lecturing our husbands mistresses turned girlfriends on how not to mistreat our children when they are in their care! Wtf?! I’m exhausted from being exhausted. Not to mention, if you are a black Gen X woman, you have a host of other problems that other Gen X women do not. White Gen X women do not have to worry every time their man or son leaves the house that he may not be returning unless their men are military, firefighters, or cops! So…we have racism on our backs and innocent black men that we love being gunned down while their law enforcement murderers go free in an unjust system! We are more likely to be single moms too! I could go on and on with the plight of the black Gen X woman but I’m fucking depressing myself! So we are fucked. Got it! What next?! ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday! Here’s the link to Ada’s article…http://www.oprah.com/sp/new-midlife-crisis.html?FB=fb_omag_new_midlife_crisis_feature Please heed my warning and get the cheap yack out before reading one word. Trying to save y’all the funk I’ve been in ever since I read it! Fuck….
In the midst of the storm…I asked myself…what if I only had 5 days? Five days left on this earth. Would I skip the pain of knowing you to also spare myself the joy of loving you? Would I waste my time playing it safe or would I risk my life to spend every last moment with you? So I asked myself again…what if I only had five days left? FIVE DAYS LEFT…would I waste it feeling angry and insecure about the things I felt God had jilted me from. Would I walk around feeling forgotten? Or would I drop on my knees and thank the Lord that He granted us these five days? Would I walk in the rain alone crying about us not being like other couples around me? Or would I let you hold my hands as we got drenched in our very own unique love? Would I kiss your lips and be grateful that I had this moment? Or would I stand there…alone…bitter…angry…choosing not to forgive you, myself, and God? What if I only had five days left? Seeing you…breathing you…tasting you…would be all I would want to do. I would want to lay in silence…wrapped in your arms…as I listened to our hearts beat in sync. What if I only had 5 days left? Would I allow fear to paralyze me? Would I allow the naysayers to rule our minds? Would I stay away from my one true love? Would I walk the earth lonely and lost in time…not because I was without a man…but because I was WITHOUT YOU? And I asked myself again, what if I only had five days left? Would all the breakups and makeups matter anymore? Would I fall asleep at night feeling like I failed myself or would I awaken with glee each of those five mornings…thankful that you were with me. Thankful that the Good Lord chose me to love you endlessly in the midst of war, hurricanes, tornadoes, and earthquakes. What if I only had five days left? What would each day feel like without you? That’s when it dawned on me that no sun would rise nor set for me…without you being in my life. Even the most dreadful days when pride had consumed us were better days than when I did not even know you…to speak your name…to call out for you…to pray for you. If I only had five days left…just your smile alone would make each day magical. The intensity of my heart skipping a beat…not just because you are beautiful but because over the course of the last 7 years, my heart only responds to the beating of your heart. We…are…in…sync. And those last five days, I would know that every day was worth being with you. Because…you see…some people can walk their entire lives and not have the love we shared in those final hours. Ups, downs, madness, and insecurities were all worth it…for those moments taught us how to appreciate these five God given days. And there I laid in your arms…praying that even on the other side of eternity…He will grant us five more days…. ~KJM on Charm School Monday…remembering the turning point I was at a few weeks ago with the Ex Factor. If you only had five days, would it all be worth it?
“But when will you get married? When will you have children?!” The first time someone ever said those words to me was in October 2010 and I remember who said it to me. I was 29 years old and had been dating the then 20 year old Ex Factor for four months. We had survived our first argument and decided to stay together. He was in upstate New York for the Halloween weekend and I was in Pittsburgh celebrating my best friend, Zack’s marriage to the love of his life. While fears of losing Zack to marriage filled my mind, my college friend hit me with these questions. And they stung like hell. Like I can tell you exactly where we were standing. And it’s like all the air left my body. She did not know me well enough to know that before the Ex Factor, I never wanted to get married and have children. Even now…I can see us together for 25 years (maybe still not married)…with three children…and living our lives like 1960s hippies minus the weed smoking and the free love. 🤣 Relaxed. Less structured. And fucking unconventionally happy. Because…like that’s the only way I can do this forever thing. Ease into it. Being myself. With the love of my life. That’s the only way I can do it. Yet those words stung. I know my friend meant well…but she did hurt my feelings. It is always on the tip of my tongue to tell her that 7 years later…the Ex Factor and I are still fighting for each other. 💕 But I just want to live my best life without proving anything to anyone. If this blog highlights anything…I hope it is the message that my imperfections are my strengths and my crazy lifestyle is made just for me. Complaints and all…I envy no ones life. For no one is me. Nor can be me. Matter of fact…the only other real Alpha Females I know are Harmony and Lioness. Nicole is also a leader but she’s the only wife out of all of us…so she knows how to balance those Alpha Female traits by softening them a bit. The rest of us struggle with not being so dominant but I think I’m the closest to crossing over out of Lioness, Harmony, and I. The Ex Factor is my game changer. He challenges me to madness. But this isn’t really about him. Those words my friend spoke hurt like hell and it is as if the universe heard her and continued to echo those thoughts. “When will you have children?” “You need to have at least one or you will regret it!” “He will always want someone younger and where will you be then?” “Have a baby now!” “Well you still have 14 years because Janet Jackson had one at 50!” As if I got her money or want my sealed up womb to be invaded near my retirement age. 😳 And the questions and comments just kept coming. Why can’t women be kind to other women? Why must we make everything about our fertility? Society already limits us once we get to a certain age but why are we endorsing that we limit ourselves?! And then there’s the guilt I feel when I hear some of my friends’ fertility issues. I feel guilty for never trying to nor being open to getting pregnant and I have no idea what my fertility odds are. Nor do I have a need to find out. The Ex Factor and I recently spoke about the topic. Neither one of us are ready for children. He’s got time and I don’t…the universe whispers. And I stop dead in my tracks. I feel guilty because I can’t identify with wanting a baby. It’s a conversation I get lost in. I pray for all of my friends and associates that are struggling to conceive…most of which are younger than me. I feel guilty but when I lay down at night and I ask myself what are my deepest desires…a baby is not one. Yes…I feel guilty. I love all my nieces and nephews yet never want to trade places with my sisters and brothers. Motherhood is rough…especially if you have to do it by yourself. I know it’s filled with doubts, depression, and heartaches. I also know there’s another side filled with joy. But so many speak of this joy openly while hiding the pains to please society. It is great that having a baby is the best thing that happened to you but don’t assume it will be the best thing to ever happen to me. I highly doubt it! I have a few friends that never wanted children but accidentally had one. They are excellent mothers but I can tell you that motherhood is not their life’s joy and there’s nothing wrong with that! Each woman is unique and has unique desires, wants, and needs. What makes one of us happy may make another clinically or situationally depressed! We have to learn to be kinder to one another and to support each other on our differences! Then another thought pops into my mind as the universe whispers again. ‘And what if they were all right and we get ready to conceive and I can’t?’ And I answer… then let God handle it. 🙏🏽 I pray the Ex Factor wouldn’t leave me because of that and that we would still walk in love together. Plus…sometimes it’s the man’s sperm that’s causing the fertility issue. It’s not always us. But we wear the scars as our bodies naturally abort our babies. 😭 And what if they were all right? What if I regret waiting so long? Is it not my and only my regret to have? I can live with that. ~KJM getting deep on Flashback Friday. Today’s blog was inspired by the actress, Gabrielle Union, recently coming out and admitting she has had 8 or 9 miscarriages. She never wanted children and now she does. Let’s lift our sister up in prayer and not judge her for not having the initial desire. She is her own woman and it is already written what God has in store for her. Peace, love, and blessings to you Gabrielle 💜
I had been upset for days but hid those feelings. And here it was 2:30 in the morning and he was trying to comfort me. The Ex Factor did not know the insecurities that laid within me yet they had surfaced all at once and were over flowing everywhere. He tried to calm me from afar…but the tears just kept coming. Finally, I felt his words and I stopped crying. In that moment, I could see how much we had grown. I stopped crying and then he did the unthinkable. It’s like he knew at that moment that I needed him more than even I knew. I needed him…to hold me…to be there for me. He did not start the storm within me but he was the one strong enough to calm it. I assured him that I was okay but he knew I wasn’t. It’s like we were in sync. And that’s when my baby said he was on his way. It was 2:30 in the morning and we lived far from each other yet my baby was on his way. The Ex Factor was coming for me. 🙌🏽 And I just laid there speechless. 😍 When he arrived, he looked so handsome. I could see, in one glance, everything that made me fall so deeply in love with him…in Summer 2010. All the arguments and fights from this past year made this moment so much more intense. It’s like the storm had passed and it had brought us closer together. I was so close to giving up but something happened on my last vacation to Vegas. I realized that even a day fighting with him was better than a day without him. I loved him to madness. And he knew it.😘 There my baby was…quiet yet strong. Strong enough to show up for me. 💕He pulled me into him and he held me so tight. It all felt so right. I had grown to learn how to be vulnerable and he had grown to support me in those moments. And so he held me tighter. Soft kisses to remind me that he was here…in the flesh…just for me. He pulled me closer to him and I was open. It wasn’t my prettiest moment. Hair was a mess. Eyes were puffy. And I was in a green house dress. Yet I felt beautiful. I felt wanted. I FELT LOVED. And so he pulled me closer. Our kisses got more intense. It was now 3:30 in the morning. A time that lovemaking could be felt around the world…as many slept or some settled for the touches of total strangers…3:30am was really a time for true lovers. I did not know it then but it would be clear soon….that this was the start of our very own solar eclipse.🙌🏽 The Ex Factor entered my moistness and I moaned…not just from the pleasure of his touch but from his reassuring words. My lover was making love to me with an intensity I had not seen in him…in so long. I did not question it. I reveled in it. His masculine touch gently securing my womanly desires. It was more than what I had asked the universe for. I was breathing him and he was breathing me. My lover and I were making love. I trembled. I shivered…as if a cold wind had swept through the bedroom. The force became more intense and I could hear the head board bashing against the wall. My lover was making love to me. When I could not take it anymore…for my body was on fire…we switched positions. I had the strength and the dominance to answer his desires. I faced my one true love…trembling yet firm with my strokes. I wanted to ride him into ecstasy for we were in the midst of our very own solar eclipse. I dug my nails into his thighs and commanded that he follow my lead. The Ex Factor whispered those nasty little words that I loved to hear and that’s when I realized that this morning’s ride would be like none other. I focused only on his pleasure. Tasting him. Touching him. Fucking him as he stroked me. Our bodies were in sync…which is such a rare thing for lovers. You see the universe must time every kiss, every caress, and every flow of a couple’s rhythm when it allows them to be in sync. No awkward movements exist here for each lover is calling the other. One cannot exist without the other. One cannot taste unless the other is sucking. Even breathing is in sync. We breathed. We moaned. I dug my nails deeper into him as my legs tightened around him. We were in sync. And just as I thought of only his pleasure. Wanting to bring him to his ultimate pleasure. The Ex Factor pulled me deeper into him. And my body began to erupt. At first I was scared. You see I had forgotten. Forgotten what it felt like. So I was scared because it was familiar yet new. But his touch was so reassuring that I allowed myself to be open to this eruption. Legs shaking feverishly. Body overheated. Nails dug so deep into him…I’m sure I broke flesh. It was our very own Solar Eclipse and we were still in sync! Climaxing together. Exhausted from the maximum amount of pleasure that our bodies would allow…we breathed each other. Breath for breath…our heartbeats were now also in sync. This, my dear friends, was the Climax felt around the world…for I had never had one with a man I loved. ~KJM on Hump Day💕 My heart is connected to his and my moist island is just for him.
I debated over and over if I would write about this incident and finally decided there are some good life lessons in it so I’m going to go there. Let me start off by saying that for the most part, I have always been cool with my exes. Things did not work out and it’s usually for a good reason. I wish them well and I always want them to be happy. The Ex Factor is the only man that I feel if we were to ever split…it would be so hard for me to be his friend but since we are still hot and heavy…I won’t even dwell on that point. 💜 Now to today’s lesson! Why oh why every time I take somebody off of my well thought out blocked list (minus the Ex Factor) I end up regretting it! 😩 Took that leprechaun, Julio, off my blocked list to check on him once the hurricanes started rolling through. If you recall, he had been blocked for a year and a half after wishing my relationship with Elijah (without ever knowing a thing about him) death and destruction! 😳 Now let me be clear, I do not make it a habit of discussing my present relationships with an ex unless he asks! Julio, on the other hand, finds me in whatever state I’m currently living in…to announce his engagements and his pre baby mamas that some how do not seem to ever pan out. I have honestly and openly wished him well because I haven’t been checking for him (on a serious tip) in over a decade. Matter of fact, almost 8 years ago, I told Julio I was no longer attracted to him so he couldn’t even be my fuck buddy. He ain’t seen my kitty kat nor my face since. 🙌🏽🤣✌🏾As he was off living with chicks and planning families, I was and am still deeply in love with the Ex Factor. For better or for worse, my heart rides for the Ex Factor and only the Ex Factor! 💜 Now to this bs. If I had to name my most infamous and unlikeable ex…it would be Julio! My high school and college friends would burn something if they ever found out I was communicating with him! He is the most toxic, hating, and unhappy SOB out of all of my exes! If I ever said a kind word about him it’s because I’m over him so sometimes I under play what he put me through! But to give you an example of Julio’s style….every time I aimed to get a new degree…he would dump me. Matter of fact, our last real break up was at the end of my first year of graduate school. He said it was a family with him or school! Now you know what I chose! My degrees are forever! No regrets because God had a greater plan and love for me! 🙌🏽 And this was an easy choice for me. I never looked back. Anytime I heard from Julio again it would be when he got his heart broken by some woman. He always thinks I’m his fall back and will always want him but um no. If you saw what the Ex Factor looked like and what Julio looked like…you would get it. The Ex Factor is beautiful inside and out! Positive and caring when he isn’t driving me crazy of course! That’s why he is the ONLY man I would have children with! If we did not work out, I could love again but my womb is only for him. That is how deep my love for him is. But back to this ass Julio. When I unblocked him, he issued apologies, I love you’s, and claimed to be a new man. Of course I’m well aware of the saying that “a leopard never changes its spots.” First conversation was short and okay. Then came last Thursday! When he hit me up, I knew he had something on his mind. My biggest mistake was engaging in this conversation. 😩 Julio told me that his grandmother had been urging him to have grandchildren so that he would have someone to take care of him in his old age. Wtf nana? That’s a terrible reason to have children! But okay. Now wait for it…Julio then tells me that he’s been on sites looking for women to have children with but don’t want a relationship with them. 😳🙄😳He just wants someone to co-parent with! 😳 Does this sound like a sane man?! And are there really such sites?! Lawd a mercy! Julio grew up in single parent household so I’m not surprised that he underestimates the value of a two parent household. No matter what…I grew up with two parents under one roof trying to make life and I would aim for nothing less! Now life can turn you into a single parent and if so be it…many people are successful at it BUT to choose that life purposely…well let’s just say no way I would want to do that! ✌🏾As the conversation progressed, I patiently waited to see where Julio was going with this mess! He finally asked me what my views on children are. I told him they have not changed since we met when I was 15 years old…I do not want children. But there is one exception, if they Ex Factor wanted children, I would aim to give him up to 3 if we were to be so blessed! 💙 I love children…I really do but I’m not one of those women that must have children. I’ve always felt that way. It’s only a person that could make me consider it. The Ex Factor is the one and only man to make me even think of children. There is just something about him that makes me feel like I could face all my fears and excel at being a wife and mother. He’s a team player and I truly believe he would have my back as we built our family. 💕 We are both slow on commitment but take it very seriously! Julio, on the other hand, is no one I would ever want to have children with for he does not possess one single trait that I would want my kids to have. Now hear me out…I’m not just saying this because he’s on my shit list. You can ask anyone who grew up with me. Anytime children came up…it was Julio pressuring me. I never had a need. Never dreamt of my children with him like I do with the Ex Factor. I could tell that my response irritated Julio but he watched his words for fear of being blocked again. What he did, on the other hand, was try to politely plant doubts about my situation with the Ex Factor. He was asking why we don’t live together, how old the Ex Factor is, and even what kind of television we watch. Wtf?! I never asked not one question about none of those bitches he dated. Nan questions! Because like…I don’t care! Haven’t cared in 10 years! 🙌🏽 That is something Julio struggles with. I DO NOT WANT HIM! Matter of fact I’m like all his other ex bitches…we all not fucking with him! Bitches done cheated on him and married the jump off and had children…and Julio still bitter. 😳😩 Like so many years have passed! Forgive her and move on! 🙌🏽 But there was something I was curious about. The one question I have been asking for years was how the hell did he leave his mama’s breast milk in NYC and end up in the South West? He finally answered. Julio and the last chick he was living with for years decided to move to Dallas. He moved first and she was to follow shortly after. Julio waited 2 years and the bitch never showed up! 😳😩😳 Turns out she was dating other guys back in the tri state area and never wanted to be Julio’s wife! Now how the fuck did he miss that one? Minding my business I’m sure instead of paying attention to his. I mean he was laid up in the bed with her for years and did not know she did not want him on a forever tip?! Where do they do that at?! And who the fuck waits 2 years for someone? After 6 months in Dallas and she never moved not a box…it should have been clear that relationship was over! 🙌🏽 When I met and fell in love with the Ex Factor, I never announced it to Julio. I just stopped picking up his calls. It wasn’t until years later did he find out who I was dating! While he calls me up to brag to me that he’s so happy all the damn time!✌🏾✌🏾✌🏾 Is looking for baby mamas online a sign of happiness?! I must have missed the memo! Bish…please! God just don’t like ugly! I get why Julio was coming for me in our conversation. He’s bitter and currently lives in a state where bitches need green cards more than dick and he still can’t keep a woman! 😳 Now I would have never even thought of going there if he weren’t coming for me and mine! To top it off (I don’t know if he does this to the other exes), he swears he knows what’s best for me! Really Julio?! When you never treated me right…not one day in your adult life?! The way he speaks to me is still so fucking condescending! And he acts like my family likes him and they don’t! Only my aunt that practices voodoo is checking for him and that ain’t even saying much because I don’t fuck with her! ✌🏾 However, she is the reason why I know what happened to Julio immediately after he dumped me in May 2007. Julio and my aunt ended up working for the same company. After our final break up, he moved in with some older lady that he met at work. Now this part Julio told me with his own mouth! He and the older lady (not sure how much older) tried to have children. They got pregnant three times and she lost each baby…with the last one being stillborn! 😭 And what did Julio do? He left her because she couldn’t have children!😳 That was probably the only bitch that truly loved him! I get leaving someone because you want children and they don’t…but not leaving a woman you claim you love to go find a cash cow that can produce! ✌🏾 And year’s later….the mfer still don’t have children!!!! Sometimes by the woman’s choice because one of the ex fiancée’s had an abortion for him. He wanted the twins and she didn’t! Once again, Julio told me this himself! Julio, maybe if you were a kind and loving person, you would meet a good woman. If the bitterness you throw at me is what you threw at all your women…well it’s no wonder you are alone and desperate! This all sounds so mean but honey it’s the truth! You over there worried about me and the Ex Factor when you should be focusing on getting right in your life. You are the common denominator in all those failed relationships! You stink of sadness and bitterness! It’s crazy how society focuses on bitter women but never check the bitter men! They need to work on their shit too! I have tried to be a good friend to this person but he is just determined to bring me to his level of bitter bitchness and I’m not having it! Julio is now on the permanent blocked list. Ladies, if you blocked an ex after giving it a lot of thought…he needs to stay blocked! Some people are always going to be full of negativity! Julio been an asshole for almost the last 21 years and shit just ain’t gonna change. I’m tired of rooting for and supporting people who don’t support me! And you know what…I love the Ex Factor even more now. For all the crap I have said about him…no matter what…he has my back. Even the times we were broken up…he would speak life into my life. We both still have so much growing to do but I’m so blessed to call him my babe…through the ups and downs. Riding for you and only you boo! ~KJM giving a Charm School lesson on a Temptation Tuesday! 💜 Remember that love in itself is a risk. No one knows if they will actually get to forever with their mate…until they actually do. Love openly and honestly. Most importantly, get through those hurdles together…when your backs are up against the wall. The Ex Factor has taught me so much. Like how so much good can be on the other side of the bad…if you both put in the work!🙌🏽
Happy Hump Day! 😍 I am now happy to report that I am getting THE SEX on the regular from my babe after we sat down and talked about our sexual needs and desires! 🙌🏽 My preference would be to have sex twice a week but with our schedules, once a week is amazing and a miracle in itself! 😩🤣 I have heard of married people scheduling sex and never thought much of it but it can be a great tool for singles who are exclusively dating too! Careers and life get in the way whether you have children or not. And sometimes we focus on all different types of communications with our mate but forget that touching each other…especially sexually has its importance. Now I’m not saying sex is the only form of communication but I want to stress that it is important. When the sex stops in a relationship…there’s a great chance communication is down in all other areas and one spouse (if not both) are feeling rejected on some level. My friend, Toi from Toi Time, who is also a blogger, often has married women (of all ages) writing in to her stating that they only have sex with their husbands on his birthday and holidays! 😳 WTF?! Since I’m not married, I’m just going to leave that one alone. However, if you are exclusively dating, are not waiting to have sex when married (this works for couples on the same page), and are not having the sex…something may be off. For example, I have been cussing the Ex Factor out like crazy over the last year! When I was finally honest with myself…a part of my anger came from the fact that he wasn’t touching me enough. I felt rejected. We recently talked about it and he was really surprised. Turns out, my hectic work schedule along with some things going on with him (not having to do with me) was the culprit. He figured he was being understanding by not insisting we have sex more since I typically work between 60-90 hours a week! 😩 I am doing much better at not working weekends (though my weekdays are still crazy) and making sure I am not beyond exhausted when it’s time to pleasure him and myself. I have to be an active participant in our sex life too! 🙌🏽 The Ex Factor never even knew I felt this way because I’m always yelling about something else! I’m definitely working on that! Lol. During our discussion about the sex, we both spoke about a sexual goal we want to achieve with the other person. Meaning how we aim to please the other person more. 💜He is already acing his while I still have more studying to do! Lol. We also started to experiment with where we have sex and how we have sex. It’s nice to try new things especially after 7 years of mostly sleeping with only him. I use to think only married people can find themselves in a sexual rut but it can happen to any couple…if communication is off. To get us this far, it took me being vulnerable. Once I did that, he too lowered his guard. I had to say to him that it’s not enough that you feel I’m sexy…I need your touch to reenforce your words…and frequently!🙌🏽 I am choosing him! I only want him inside of me. I crave only him…so he needs to come get this pussy! ☺️ For any couples dating exclusively, I recommend having this conversation even if you feel your sex life is good. The first two years of dating…the Ex Factor and I had sex 3-5 times a week! 😍 It was the time I felt most connected to him and my body could not do without having him near. 😍 While I know that things cannot always stay the same…we should be aiming to maintain a good and healthy sex life! And I need that with how stressful my day job can be at times! Our sex is now more intense and more fulfilling. And he surprises me with when it’s going to actually happen! 😘 ~KJM on Hump Day! Never underestimate the power of the sex! 🙌🏽
It has been a while since we have gotten ignorant on Temptation Tuesday! No time like the present to do so. 🤣 By now, most of you have heard about the Kevin Hart cheating scandal. Generally, I’m not big on celebrity gossip but when there is a good life lesson in their story…I will go there! Today’s lesson is actually for Kevin Hart’s current wife, Eniko, aka my fake cousin as she is from my island. Let’s lay the foundation for this foolishness. Two things the old school folks have been saying that I have found to be true (1) “No romance without finance!” Any woman who does not believe this…is probably sitting in dark of their apartment waiting to be evicted while Tyrone feeling on her legs! 😩🤣 (2) “How you get them is how you lose them!” Now I have done some shady things in my life but I told you I don’t play with marriage. Don’t want to answer to God and the law for such foolishness. I interpret the second adage as…if he was trouble for her…he will be trouble for you! SEE Brad and Angelina for modern day reference! 😩 But lets take this one step further for those of you that still don’t get it… Ever heard of the saying that “a leopard never change its spots?” I hope the light bulb is finally on now. If you get a leprechaun when he’s trolling….he may take a break, Eniko, but soon he will be back trolling! Doesn’t even matter if there is a pot of gold or glass at the end of the rainbow he has been chasing…he is a creature of habit! Now that I’ve laid the foundation right into Eniko’s ass…let’s see what we can get from this besides leave people’s husband and wives alone! Back in the day, mistresses hid. Now they do interviews, write books, and if the opportunity presents itself…they thrive at being the baby mama and/or the new wife. Brings me to a question. Can a mistress be transformed into a wife by the sheer virtue of that cheating man marrying her? Hmmmm….this is a tricky one. My thoughts….NO unless she is married double the time he was married to the first wife and did not have any real drama where his dick blew in the wind. Let’s call this one the Alicia Keys Syndrome. 😳 So far Swizz Beatz or Swiss cheese as I like to call him has been doing okay in appearing to be faithful in his marriage. 🙄 According to Swizz, he’s “in love with his wife.” Boo you ain’t never love the first one? Maybe not…but it sure looked like you were invested in the first marriage or else…why marry the first wife? If the mistress does not have the Alicia Keys Syndrome (still remains to be seen how long this syndrome persists) then she is still a mistress! She’s just married now! Now I know some of you are rolling your eyes but feel me on this. Who in the hell is really expecting their union to be blessed when how they got that man was by breaking up another union?! Yea…I don’t think God is present in that second union unless there is some actual repentance! I’m talking about some 1000 Hail Marys and walking on hot coal for a 100 days in the desert…repentance! 🙌🏽 You cannot build your happiness on someone else’s sorrow! You just can’t! But what you can do is…fool yourself to believe that you are the exception to the rule. 🙄😳 Your “ill na na” will keep this one home! Girl bye! Tired of pointing out that even porn stars get cheated on! You hear that! Bitch could be taking it in the ear and the ass and dude may still fuck somebody else! I have heard dudes say ain’t “no pussy like new pussy!” SEE the many male celebrities who cheated with the ugly nanny for references! 😐 Some men just don’t give a fuck and since we cannot control those men…we as women got to raise our standards and not open up shop to these already occupied husbands! To me, a mistress is a mistress is a mistress….even with a 1000 wedding bands on her ring finger! For her foundation was built off of someone else’s pain and demise. She is never the original! Not because she is the second wife but because of how she got that man! To all the mistresses turn wives including Eniko, you not Gucci…you the knock off…Cucci. You not Obsession by Calvin Klein….you Possession by Kernel Sanders (the smell of cheap fried chicken). ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday! This is why a bish still got student loans…I won’t sleep with married trolls with money and let them wife me! 🤣🙌🏽
I know it’s been a while since I blogged. Part of me has been trying to catch up with my day job and the other part of me has just been happily living life like it’s GOLDEN! 😍Just had an AMAZING weekend with my boo and then my family! 🙌🏽 So grateful for those moments in life where my heart is so overjoyed…that all I can do is feel gratitude! 💜 Even though I’m still on my weekend high, it’s Charm School Monday…time to get into our lesson! Over the weekend, I was hanging with a group of female friends (of many different ages) that I have had for almost 14 years. They are like family. 💕 One has recently had a family member (female) that married a man almost 40 years younger than her! I think her family member is a P.I.M.P. 🙌🏽 but the other women felt she was too old to be married to a man so young. To me, age is just a number. Whatever floats your boat…you should do! And if you can get a younger spouse while living your best SINGLE life…why the fuck not?! 🙌🏽 Of course our conversation got heated because people always forget that the Ex Factor is 8.5 years younger than me. Since we started dating in 2010, I have had women say some pretty rude shit to me about dating so much younger while most men don’t give a fuck. You see even women buy into the stigma that after a woman is pass a certain age…she must live a limited life…while these men out here…do what the fuck they please and not making any apologies for it! 😳 Everything for a woman, even if she is not interested in having children, is about her biological clock! Why the fuck is that? 😐 Now my friends were not specifically speaking of my situation but of course I have a bone in this fight. The first three months into dating the Ex Factor, our age difference did not really cross my mind. I was 29 and he was 20 and our love making showed it! 🙌🏽 I was just so excited to find out that after 13 years of Julio being the only guy I loved…my heart could love again and much more deeply! My heart was floating outside of my body. I was (and am still) so much in love. No matter what we have been through (even with all the crazy ups and downs)…there is no man I have loved more. 😍 While my feelings have stayed the same (or even got stronger), three months into dating an associate of mine had just gotten dumped by her boyfriend who was two years younger than her. He broke it off Labor Day Weekend 2010…coincidentally the weekend of my first argument with the Ex Factor. As she cried to me on the phone, the Ex Factor and I were on a date night and about to have some intense make up sex. My associate warned me that a younger man is always going to want a younger woman so watch out with the Ex Factor! 😳😩 That’s the first time age had ever crossed my mind. And that’s when shit got real. I wanted to know if he was serious about me…and of course he wasn’t ready to be and I wasn’t ready to leave him. So we went on…with me now having major doubts. As time went on, my associate started stalking her ex online, while questioning why me and the Ex Factor were still together. If I had been strong then (like I have grown to be), I would have told her to mind her fucking business. Truth be told, I don’t consider a two year age difference as a real one. If you are in the same census bubble…you are essentially the same age! Also, my associate had no proof her “younger” ex left her for any woman much less a younger one! I can tell you from the short time I knew her…that…her elevator did not go all the way upstairs! Her man was in the military and on tour in Iraq and she would send him crazy emails about him ignoring her if she hadn’t heard from him in a day or two! Clearly, she was not meant to be a military wife! 😳😩 But I digress! What I loathe was that she was the first person to plant the seed of doubt that the Ex Factor and I may not work! Since then, it’s been hit after hit when women approach me about the topic. They ask…when will you get married?! When will you have children? Forgetting or ignoring the fact that before the Ex Factor, I never wanted to be married nor have children! And without him, I’m almost certain I don’t want children! Marriage I’m still on the fence with because there are so many reasons people get married for. All of which are none of our business! 🙌🏽 But I digress again! I asked my brother, Junior, what he thought about all of this and he said there is no science to why a man leaves a woman! While women are over there calculating their odds….men doing them! If he (no matter his age) wants to leave you for a younger woman…he will! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽 Plain and simple! Yes children are a factor for couples who want children but each couple has to cross that bridge for themselves. For me, if my children cannot have his eyes and his hands…there’s no point in even trying! 💜 Maybe that’s silly or naive or just maybe…I am one of those women that won’t allow my biological clock to lead me! If we end up working out…great! If we don’t…I will still be okay…because a man nor my reproductive system never defined me to begin with! 🙌🏽 I am just going to enjoy the time God is giving us and deal with the rest when it’s time. It is crazy to me…that even we women believe that after we reach a certain age…we should be nice and limit ourselves to the few left overs society tells us we are entitled to!!! 😩😳😐 Maybe a woman marrying a man 40 years her junior is making a huge fucking mistake or maybe…just maybe…that’s one boss bish that decided she is gonna live her life getting the strongest Big O (orgasm) until the day she dies! Maybe that’s a woman creating her own destiny and living a limitless life to the best of her ability! 🙌🏽 ~KJM on Charm School Monday! To my babe, I’m crazy as fuck and we don’t make sense but I’m riding with you…as far as we can go! 😘
I dug my nails into his back as if I was holding on for dear life. I do not remember holding onto a man so tight…ever before. It had been two months of fighting and not seeing each other so when he surprised me by saying he was ten minutes away…I did not know how I would feel. Upon his arrival, I clung to him…like I was clinging to a life boat. Wherever he was going, I was coming with him. He wasn’t leaving without me. We are one. He and I were one. It took me seven years to figure this all out…and really the biggest revelations occurred in the last three weeks. It’s like I had lost my mind. Cursing him out more and more…even when not provoked. Then came the day when I told him he was free to leave. During that time, I met the handsome stranger on my flight back from Vegas and my first love, Julio, made a plea for my heart (and my eggs🙄) again! That’s when it finally dawned on me where the tears and frustration were coming from…EGO. I’m embarrassed because I’m choosing the life I live. A woman as strong as myself should get everything she wants…exactly how she wants! And here I was choosing to settle for less! Well that’s one way to look at it…that’s the ego version. Then another version emerged as I clung to him…the humbled version…and I thank God for giving us this moment! 🙏🏽 He held me for hours and it was then that it occurred to me that…this man that had tried to break me (unbeknownst to him)…was most likely the love of my life and I was choosing him! REVELATION 1! I am choosing him and I don’t want to live a day without him! REVELATION 2! I too had tried to break him down! That’s right….I’m not innocent! 😇 When a Jamaican woman says she’s been “dipping under” somebody…that means she’s cuss that person out so bad she even took the time to curse past and future generations! 🙄 Yet as I dip under the Ex Factor…he never loses his cool. And I am no easy storm! Let me repeat that one again…I AM NO EASY STORM! 🙌🏽 Breathe Kingston…breathe because we are onto one of the greatest revelations of our lives. I am choosing the Ex Factor! Everyday I choose him…for better or for worse! We have just been knee deep in the worse! REVELATION 3! More importantly, I reminded myself that I am still in charge of my own happiness! 🙌🏽 So why am I making myself sad on days where no sadness needs to exist?! Perhaps it’s because I’m punishing myself for choosing him instead of moving on to someone better. But what makes another man better? His resume? His treatment of me? His ability to commit? What most women won’t say is that many of us were forced to leave our situations because the men moved on first or because we could no longer take the embarrassment of things not being picture perfect! Many of us would have sat there and stayed if the winds of time did not force change! Even the strongest woman puts up with bullshit whether she admits it or not! Humans are flawed by definition! So even the strongest woman will admit that she AND her mate are flawed. 🙌🏽 Now I know you are rolling your eyes at me right now but hear me out. I’m definitely not saying stay where you are unhappy and settle…I am actually asking you to consider what is making you unhappy? Is it because you don’t have what your friends and people on Facebook portray? Cause everyone has battles! And no they are not all uploaded on social media! Did you catch the “Black Love Documentary” on OWN? It was inspirational and groundbreaking! Married couples discussing what it took to get where they are while dealing with anything from affairs to deaths of children! Sweet baby Jesus! I cannot even imagine it! Most folks will say that those people are married so they should be in it for the births and tragedies! But if the current divorce rate says much…it says that a large amount of people do not believe that! Marriage is a huge commitment but it’s a falsity to think that your ability to withstand storms is only born in your marriage! But I digress…back to what I learned as a Single woman. Absent of abuse, you can stay planted where you want to. People (and they mean well) may say leave but be ware of where you are running to. Every time I left the Ex Factor, I dated ugly men with money (that’s who came after me) and some of them had some deep rooted issues and secrets! I was lucky to leave one with my damn life! No joke. Resume was better. Ability to commit was there but no love lived there. Worst of all…no truth lived there. But to the world, I was doing better because I was no longer with the Ex Factor. Now that may not be your story…you may just bump into the love of your life after leaving your ex. But even with the new love of your life…realize that love and commitment take work! There will still be dark days! Still be moments of tears and disappointments! Anyone who sells perfection in their relationship “has not begun to deal with the underlining issues.” That’s one of the lessons that I got from the “Black Love Documentary.” Besides this blog, I only talk to my immediate family and a small group of married friends about the real details of the Ex Factor and I. I also do leave a lot out in this blog! I know it doesn’t seem like it but I do keep some things private. However, if it is something ugly that has helped me to grow…I share it because it may help someone else out there! 💜 Sometimes I wish I never wrote a single “I hate you” blog but I learned so much from them (and certainly can’t promise there won’t be more lol). Also, without securing me and making me feel loved at all times, the Ex Factor did earn some of those blogs! 🙄😩 But I cannot control him…I can only control myself! And I am responsible for my own happiness! Not only that…as a woman who claims to love…I need to rise above some of the mess and be the bigger person. REVELATION 4! When Julio and I split, I had been so good to him. He knew he was walking away from a woman who truly loved him to the best of her ability! And maybe that’s why he regrets leaving! Though it makes me sad to think that if that time came with the Ex Factor and I…he could not say the same. 😭 How he loves or does not love is on him. The strength and forgiveness of my love…tells my own personal truths! So I can continue walking around and complaining about the love I’m not getting or I can focus in on the love I’m giving positively! Is he easy to love? Hell no! But I’m choosing him. It’s time I not be angry about that anymore. I…am…choosing…him! Not over myself…but over all the other guys out there. I had a moment where I wondered what a day without knowing him would be like. It would be a sad day…and you know how I know? Because I’ve already lived those days. We suffered through them until we could come back to each other…again and again! We are like the lyrics to my favorite Isley Brother’s song…“Voyage To Atlantis.” To the Ex Factor I say…“I will always come back to you…Atlantis.” ~KJM getting deep on Hump Day! No one knows how the story ends but every day with him is better than a day without him. Not because I can’t be alone because I can…it’s really because I think I will always choose him. So I clung to him…dug my nails into him…whispering…I am choosing you in this moment and time…with my entire heart. It is yours…Atlantis💕