Knot in my chest. There is a war going on between my subconscious and my conscious. That’s where the knot comes from. I did not know this until I picked up Gary Zukav’s “The Seat Of The Soul” and began reading. The knot…feels like good and evil are fighting for my soul. That’s how deep the weight is on my chest. I fall asleep with it. I awaken with it. The feeling does not quite leave me even if I find moments of peace. According to Gary, I am experiencing the effects of having a “splintered personality.” A splintered personality “struggles with itself; the values, perceptions, and behaviors are not integrated; it is not conscious of all the parts of itself; a splintered personality is frightened and fears aspects of itself that threaten what it seeks AND what it has attained; it experiences circumstances within its life as more powerful than itself; A splintered personality that has a conscious intention to improve its marriage and a stronger, unconscious intention to end it, for example, will feel, after the collapse of its marriage, that despite its efforts, despite even its best efforts, things did not work out as intended. THIS IS NOT SO. They worked out exactly as it intended, BUT, because he or she held conflicting intentions, much turbulence, so to speak, was created in the flow of Light through that person.” Pg. 92 of “The Seat Of The Soul.” Gary believes that a splintered personality can lead to severe physical and emotional pain. Hence the knot in my chest. DEEP! A splintered personality is not a case of indecisiveness. No. Your mind is saying one thing and your heart is saying another. Both have intentions that lie deep within you. My conscious self has no faith in the Ex Factor and I yet my subconscious self does not want to leave him. If I had to be honest, with exception of the first 3 months of us dating (where I had him on a pedestal and he could do no wrong in my eyes), I’ve been splintered since almost the very beginning. From the moment he said he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship (at age 20 and I was 29) and the minute some of my female friends and associates pointed out that it would never work and he was just wasting my time…I HAVE BEEN SPLINTERED. My entire life, the odds have always been against me and I never gave up in any other area. But starting Labor Day Weekend 2010, my road to giving up on the strongest romantic love I have ever felt….began. Me thinking in my day to day that I’m trying my hardest. Not understanding that my conscious has given up while my subconscious was still fighting for us. And if I had to guess which intention was the strongest…it would be the intention to leave him because I’ve done it a million times before….with two years being the longest that I physically left. Heart always stayed put though… If Gary is correct, we were doomed at hello. I brought a knife to a gun fight…without even knowing it. I was always taught to make my prayers specific but NO ONE ever taught me to pray on a relationship. NO ONE. It seemed silly at best and a waste of prayers at worst. Now 7 years later, I’ve come full circle….understanding that I am EXHAUSTED from the battle I was not even fighting. I was more like a spectator…just watching my own life! 😳 Growing up Catholic, Purgatory was a bad place to be. A sinner who was not damned to hell but had not repented. Soul just stuck until it could be “purified” and find its way to God. Wasted time being conflicted. At least, this is the way I understood it. Knowing what I know now and being 7 years in…what can I do now? While my conscious intention to leave him is larger than my subconscious…I want to know how I can change that?! I’m only half way through Gary’s book so I’m turning to you…my readers. While I still feel the knot in my chest…and am still so conflicted…there’s one thing I am sure of…MY MIND, EGO, and PRIDE rule my conscious! We have all been in bed with each other during my 21 years of dating! I don’t fully understand who runs my subconscious but I know my heart is at least part of that foundation. My words and my actions never matched up. I’m all over the place and so is he too but this isn’t about him. It’s about ME. While I think marriages that do not entail abuse and habitual cheating are worth fighting for…where does one first learn those tools to fight? When does the spirit stay put and say even in darkness I will stand by you? Where does it all come from? ~KJM is shocked on Charm School Monday to find out…that I had always been working against myself in the game of love. I am exhausted from being exhausted but not exhausted from truly trying. I…expect him to grow up…I expect him to change. But my fight is greater than him. I have to know and trust that if I am a wife one day…the fight will be in me and I won’t easily walk away when things are not going my way. Yes he has hurt me and yes he is a mess. But that’s his battle to fight. When am I actually going to get in the ring with ONE INTENTION and consciously and subconsciously work towards it? WHEN?! Editor’s Note: Charm School Monday’s bonus blog😘
I awoke around 2am only to burst into tears. It is very possible for your emotions to transcend from your dreams to your reality. Only I don’t remember dreaming… Perhaps I was sleeping with a broken heart. As a matter of fact…I know I was. I went to bed with my mind full and my heart conflicted. Yesterday I attended the 5th birthday party of the daughter of a close family friend. Auntie Kingston, while exhausted from the heat and TRYING to keep up with the kids running around, had a blast! Most of my friends were there with their significant others and everyone was just so happy and at peace. Not even a little rain shower could stop the joy in the park. One of my friends asked where the Ex Factor was. To be honest, I did not know his exact location (all I had to do was text and that would be revealed) but Sunday’s are family days with his family so at least by 7pm they would all be having dinner together. I think it dawned on me…in that moment…that I am always alone. Always attending events alone. In my 20s, I wholeheartedly preferred it that way. It was MY CHOICE. Certain members of Julio’s family made my life a living hell and spending time with them made my skin crawl. The Ex Factor and I keep our lives very separate. Though it was not always that way with him. I use to double date and hang out with him and his friends. My friends live all over the world so I never opened that door. Though I did ask the Ex Factor if he wanted to attend my BFF, Zack’s, wedding a few months into dating. He already had plans with his friends to go to upstate NY (which was true) and he said weddings were too serious. I let it go and took Willow instead. As the years went by and we struggled, I would be in and out of his friend circle but we did not dare mix families. To be honest, I 100% prefer it that way until I mention it to someone else and see the look of horror on their faces. Papa Michaels is only interested in meeting my husband! 🙌🏽 And that’s Daddy so he gets that right. Over two decades of dating, my parents have only known Julio as my friend and then boyfriend when I turned 18. It wasn’t because Julio was special…it was because we were 15 and 16 when we started dating. We could not go to either of our houses without introducing ourselves and speaking with each other’s parents first! That’s the type of families we grew up in. Other than that my folks met dudes accidentally as my FRIEND. Truth be told, they both prefer it that way too because both sides of my family STILL HATE each other! Decades of knowing each other has made the hate intensify and it has deeply hurt my parents’ marriage. Now I know that this may not be my story but it’s a real fear. I don’t need to be everywhere and know everyone for I’m not his wife and to be honest many of my friends (especially if they read this blog) would not be excited to meet the Ex Factor but everyone knows I can handle myself. My Daddy has some concerns (good daddies always do) but my mama is hopeful. She does not care that she hasn’t met the Ex Factor. To her, he represents her only chance of getting grandchildren. Lol. I have been saying I would never reproduce nor get married since I was 5 years old (31 years now). Still no desire to reproduce but if it was what he desired…it’s what we would do. That is how deep my love runs…for him. I love children and I already know I can raise them but I certainly won’t just have them to have them and…with anyone. 😳 No way. But I digress…this discussion is not about my lack of a biological clock. Lol. As I let the tears flow, all I kept thinking is things are not suppose to be this way. I am not sure what way they are suppose to be….because there is not a single person I know that I am jealous of their life. So much of what makes my friends and family happy…would not make me happy. And I mean that! But I would like to feel more secure and more valued. It’s hard because I feel like we are going through the terrible twos. Everything that has to do with love and stability…the Ex Factor rejects. For example…the other day he mentioned that when he gets his own place he wants to buy his own furniture and does not even want a woman’s touch on it…not even his mama’s! Now I don’t know if he knows this but furniture is so freaking expensive. I felt so blessed when my mom bought my first set of furniture in 2003 and even more blessed when I bought my own in 2017! 🙌🏽 My dad furnished my sister’s current apartment. Things add up quick! Any help you get you better take it! 🙄 The Ex Factor is all about the “I am man and women are useless to me right now” phase. Not sure what brought him to this point. But I know I’m so grateful for the times my parents supported my goals. No man nor woman is an island by themselves. Simply impossible. 😩 Trust me…I have tried. And failed! lol. It’s very difficult to get through to someone like that. A huge part of me has given up on trying… ~KJM on Charm School Monday. Stay tuned….Had two things on my mind when I woke up. May just have time to tackle the second one.
Well I finally got laid! And it was not another episode of the Sleeping Penetration! Lawd knows I could not survive that without ending up on snapped! Baby boy (The Ex Factor) was wide awake and even though we were short on time … we made the most of it. It wasn’t the all night session I generally require but it did the trick! And you know what I realized?! I am a fucking psycho!!! For the last 4 months, we have fought and tried to improve our communication along the way. While the arguments were ugly and my feelings got all the way hurt (still taking him at his word) … we almost completely stopped touching each other. The Ex Factor wasn’t counting but I damn sure was! In the last 4 months, we have had sex THREE times, including last night. I don’t remember much about March because my work schedule was so crazy I could barely find time to tie my shoelaces but I know I found some time in my 90 plus hour work weeks to do him. Y’all know May was…well…. (see Sleeping Penetration blog), and then last night. When he’s not touching me…I fucking lose it. My mind wonders and I’m like what the fuck is he doing?! And if you have known me for a long time….you will know that I have laid with the male pimps and hoes population before and never got jealous. The Ex Factor is the only dude that I will get crazy jealous of the chick that just gave him his McDonald’s meal in the drive thru! Like she smiled a little bit too much when she handed him his fries! I was never like that with Julio and I damn sure wasn’t like that with Crazy who was probably sleeping with half of Penn State’s female population when we were dating! I always remained calm, cool (well as cool as I could be), and collected (unless somebody crossed me). Lol. I’ve grown up so much. For someone who grew up around so much infidelity, you would think I would be able to trust no man. But it’s very few that I cared what they did. So I never gave trust to begin with…coupled with a lack of real feelings and you get a woman who was unbothered…that is…until now. There’s always a first time for things! But I digress… The thing that was so wonderful about yesterday was the INTIMACY was exactly what I needed…before and after the sex. We felt in sync…even if it’s just for that one moment in time! I was breathing him and he was breathing me. That knot in my chest (probably from ignoring him all week) had been lifted and we could just be. And that’s where we were…just being together. Problems and all but just being. It was a good feeling. I could put all the stressful stuff about work and life behind me. And that is what the Ex Factor is when he’s at his best…he’s like the rainbow after the storm. That’s why he is so hard to leave… ~KJM on Flashback Friday😘 I am realizing that having just communication without any physical touch in your relationship/situationship is just as bad as only having the physical with someone. A loving touch goes a long way to back up kind words…
Dear All, the following incident has been brought to my attention! Oh we are going to THROW it way Back today! Y’all remember the song that said “no romance without finance?” No truer lyrics have ever been sung. Boys and girls…if you did not know…now you do know that… PUSSY COSTS! Maybe not always a monetary amount but if you pet the pussy the wrong way (physically or emotionally) there will be a price to pay! For example, I have never shut down shop as much as I have with the Ex Factor! Fully shut down production! Nothing going in without a damn warrant! 🙌🏽 Dudes be tripping nowadays because a lot of confused little girls got them thinking that dick is everything! 🙄 How can dick be a reward when it must stop and take breaks?! For real! The vagina on the other hand (and I’ve tested this theory) can go for 8-10 hours with one bathroom break…bringing pleasure way into the wee hours of the night until daybreak! 🙌🏽 That is why a woman is so dangerous. She has the POWER to bring pain or pleasure with that vagina of hers. Sometimes…depending how kinky she feels…she may bring pain AND pleasure! 🙌🏽 Yesss…the old skool generation was onto something…something lost in the current generation. Many of us out there just giving pussy away for free with no standards set…no terms that WE drafted up! Like how the fuck is that possible? I admit…even I sometimes forget the power of the vagina…like in my recent negotiations with the Ex Factor. Sometimes love clouds our judgement and that’s understandable but to just be pure stupid and give the penis all this power is unacceptable! 🖕🏾 Dick is as loyal as the wind patterns sometimes and if you have been following global warming…you know the wind cannot be trusted! Still…how did penis get to claim the power that only the vagina has?! How did mistresses get permission to come out of the trick closet and be celebrated? I don’t play with people’s husbands! I hope that I have made that crystal clear! If he’s trouble for her…he will damn sure be trouble for me! And nobody got the damn time to be cleaning up that kind of mess! ✌🏾 And y’all know I’m retired from the boyfriend borrowing business now for almost THREE YEARS! Though I admit…I felt stronger in my pussy negotiations when I had Phoenix in my back pocket! 😩Still…I’m walking the walk and enduring the heartbreak on my own. GROWTH! 🙌🏽 Blind-sighted by pretend love, lies, and distrust…I got sidetracked from acknowledging the power of my pussy. And let me be clear on something else…anyone who has a vagina has this power. It’s all about how we exert it. Dudes want to get f*cked like they are in a porno but don’t want to spend for a 2 for 10 at Applebee’s! 🖕🏾✌🏾😩 GTFOH! ✌🏾 And some how we women are allowing it to happen! Well boys and girls I’m here to remind you that there is a MAINTENANCE FEE for PUSSY! Sometimes there is INTEREST on that fee! 🙌🏽 The question is…can you afford it?! 😩 Whether the vagina is in love or not…that power is still there. What’s caused an inflation amongst the stock of vaginas…are the girls laying on their backs for any and anyone…not even getting off in the process! 😳We cannot give men this much power over us. I’ve been on strike so long that I completely lost interest in the penis. 😳 A tickle here and a tickle here does not make a happy vagina. Quality time, care, understanding, commitment to the process of the vagina (even if it’s just for that one night), loyalty, and trust! ❤️ These are just some of the things that make the vagina happy! Each woman is so different, beautiful, and vulnerable but never weak! 🙌🏽 Never forget that! So if you don’t want to be getting hit with high interest rates….pay that maintenance fee for the vagina and worship her like it’s your last day on Earth! 🙌🏽 Signed, Pussy Management ~KJM on Throwback Thursday…saying we will be watching you! 😘
Yesterday I stumbled upon another one of “your man ain’t shit” articles! Even though I warn you guys to stay away from them…I like to torture myself by reading them because it always comes up that the Ex Factor (the person he is today) ain’t shit. 😩 But what I did not know is…I’m not shit either for putting up with him! 😳 Well surprise surprise! The article named 10 types of men that if we are dating them, we don’t love ourselves! As if I don’t have enough shit to deal with! The only two I had dated on my list were the Narcissist (Julio and Elijah) and the Casual Dater (The Ex Factor). 🙄 Some frustrated woman in the comments section said that the article described 99% of men so what are we women to do? 😳 Poor thing is considering joining the “lesbian by choice” club that I’ve often contemplated….but am still only attracted to men! Rats! 😭 So now that the article established that I don’t love myself…I can either ignore it or challenge it. While I don’t make the best dating decisions and I damn sure shouldn’t be playing match maker any time soon…how I feel about myself is NOT the reason why I put up with the Ex Factor! I took a long hard look at the mess I’m in and realized that I stick with him for two main reasons…(1) He stuck by me through the worst time period in my life with no complaints and (2) I use to be him…most of my dating life. I think the latter reason is the biggest reason I stay. After Julio broke up with me at the end of my first year of graduate school in 2007, I was so frustrated that he would not give me more time. I needed time to adjust to words like fiancée, wife, and mother. And some how even with all our ups and downs over a ten year span, I still could not wrap my head around any of it. But I felt like if he would give me more time to pursue my dreams, I would be loyal and give him the family life he wanted. My last words to him…during our breakup…was…“we were suppose to get married and have a family…” Two years later when he reentered my life…I still had love for him but nothing between us would ever be the same. It would take me years after to realize that Julio broke my heart in Summer 2007 and when he resurfaced in November 2009…my love for him in a romantic way had died. What I initially held on to was someone familiar. Love…in a romantic way…no longer existed! And it damn sure didn’t help that Julio left me TWICE when I was in the trenches…the end of my first year of graduate school…and then when I graduated and could not find a job due to the recession. I begged him to pay my cell phone bill (no more than 80 bucks at the time) and he told me no because I “would probably use my phone to call other guys.” My phone got cut off and not only could I not call Phoenix 😍but I also could not respond to potential employers!!! 😐 That was the shit I could never forget. Julio watched me struggle…and did nothing to help me. I would never have done that to him. To this day if he needed something (short of me taking him back), I would help the best I could! But that’s just me. We had been through too much to watch each other drown in life! Years later when the shit would hit the fan with the Ex Factor, I would text Julio cussing him out for not being there for me. I truly believe had Julio stepped up like a man who cared about a woman should…I would never have fallen for the Ex Factor! I blamed Julio for that…for years too. My resentment was still so high for Julio until mid 2015 when I realized he wasn’t there for me by choice and that is how he had been for all the years I’ve known him! 😩 Even now, Julio and I are not friends because he likes to speak negativity into my life. The Ex Factor is a lot of things but he’s not going to leave his friends in the trenches (he treats them better than he does me) and during the hard times he does not run! That’s why I stay down! And no I don’t owe the Ex Factor a damn thing much less the rest of my life but if you knew me during what I call the Dark Ages (May 2009-May 2013), you would know the light and love the Ex Factor brought into my life starting in June 2010. Yes he treats me terribly but it was almost no different than how I treated many guys in my past when I wasn’t ready to commit. My focus was only on myself. Love was inconvenient…still fucking is. I just started growing up around two years ago thanks to Elijah and his mess! Before that time period…love equaled running when shit got bad. So yes I feel like a doormat at times and yes it feels like I’m never going to get out of this world of pain but the happiness I found in those dark moments brought to life the Kingston Jael Michaels that writes to you weekly. That’s why I stay down with the Ex Factor. And maybe I will regret it…but it’s gonna be my regret to have…. ~KJM giving you a bonus blog on Hump Day. So much on my mind. It helps writing to you all! 💜
It’s been a burning question on men and women’s minds for decades. Can the opposite sexes be JUST friends? My answer…YES! My best friend, Zack, is a heterosexual man and has had my back since 1999! 🙌🏽 In college, I always had about an equal amount of male and female friends…still do! This woman needs a healthy dose of testosterone in her friendship circle! When I was dating Crazy at age 20, he hated that I had male friends. It didn’t matter if they were gay or straight (as I had both)….he wanted them out of my life. Crazy just did not believe men and women could be just friends! I totally disagree but I think true friendship can be found between the sexes under certain circumstances. Here are my top 5 Ways That Men And Women Can Be True Friends: 5. THEY ARE ALSO FRIENDS WITH EACH OTHER’S SPOUSES! I think that as you grow, male and female friends must support each other’s relationships and AT LEAST have respect for each other’s spouses if friendship cannot be achieved with the spouses. Zack lives far away from me so I did not meet his wife to be until shortly before the wedding. Let’s just say…she wasn’t open to being my friend but acknowledged that we are both in it for the long haul with Zack. I knew the ins and outs of their courtship and she knew that I had had major beef with Zack’s first fiancée! 😩 Awkward position to be in but I think we have all made the best of it. When they visit NYC, I try to meet up with both of them. I always ask how she is doing and I don’t expect invitations to events that are mainly for her…like baby showers. That’s her territory…she is his wife…and I respect that. So I support from afar and I think this works for all of us. Over the years, I think Zack’s wife has grown more confident as he often tells me publicly (on social network) that he loves and misses me. I think she finally understands that Zack is my brother for life. 4. NO SEXUAL HISTORY! While the sexes may be attracted to each other…it’s possible the attraction is not physical. Zack loves my drive and I love his business sense and his commitment to his family. I brag all of the time that my best friend is a great husband! 💙And just when I want to give up on men and join the “lesbian by choice” club (lol), I am reminded of the amazing man Zack is. If he exists…then so does my amazing future husband! I think the thing that solidifies a true male and female relationship is not having any kind of sexual history. Zack and I have never even kissed! That’s my BROTHER and that’s what I explain to every new dude I’m dating. Zack always asks “did you tell him that your best friend is a man?” And I always say yes. Zack is irreplaceable and he is the one friend I love in a way that I love my family. Whatever we go through…we must stay together. No one leaves this friendship. And even if we hurt each other…FORGIVENESS is the only choice. Trust that we have pushed these theories to the limit over the years…and still held onto each other! 🙌🏽 Great time to say I love you Zack! Thanks for all the unconditional support over the years. 3. THE ROOM TO FALL IN LOVE! True male and female friendships should support and encourage each other to have healthy and loving relationships. When Zack met his now wife…I was happy for him. Though I was scared that the soon to be Mrs. Zack would hate me like the first fiancée. I bawled like a baby at his wedding and while Willow was with me…she just didn’t get it. Romantic love is her thing. For me, friendship is everything! Zack is one of the few men who is not related to me (and one of only two White Men…shout out to Snack Pack…my other white long term male friend) that I trust wholeheartedly. I was afraid things would change but Zack has managed to keep every promise he has made to me while being an amazing husband! 🙌🏽 2. MEN GIVE THE BEST ADVICE ABOUT OTHER MEN! As long as a man is not interested in a woman romantically, he will be a source of drama free and honest advice that leads to a stress free friendship! No staying up on the phone with a manless girlfriend (or one in a more toxic relationship than you) giving bad advice! No sir! A true male friend is a gold mine filled with glimpses of the very complicated and fragile male ego. I can’t be certain but I’m almost willing to bet that women with male best friends have stronger romantic relationships! 😘 There’s no one to hate on your relationship because they aren’t happy. Men are simple creatures. Does he treat you right and are you happy? Those are the types of questions I’m asked by Zack when I am in one of my new situationships! No need for analyzing every detail of a tragic or made to be tragic situation. 🙌🏽 1. AGE LIMIT! I truly believe to be real male and female friends…you must meet when you are young. At age 18…Zack just made the cut off. At age 20 (once again not a science to this) Crazy and I agree that no straight man just wants to be a woman’s friend and if he is…it’s because she FRIEND ZONED him or in rare instances…he may have friend zoned her…but dudes will still be tempted to smash a chick in the friend zone while women rarely do. ~KJM on Hump Day saying thank you Zack for all the times you told dudes they weren’t good enough for me, the times you showed random strangers my photos and spoke of my beauty, and for all those times you supported me on complete craziness! Because of the man you are….I can still believe in true, trustworthy, respectful, and forever love! Shout to Zack and his wife! 💕
Usually I save these kinds of posts for Hump Day but the urgency is real. In my early 20s, I had the best sex of my life. Shout to Crazy and Phoenix! Then mid 20s to late I did some celibacy years (by choice). At 29, I met the Ex Factor and my sex life got exciting again. He was 20 and full of energy. Not to mention I fell in love before he had even touched me so that first kiss sealed the deal that sexually we were compatible. Feeling like sexual soulmates at one time. 😍 I never had a legitimate orgasm with him but something about my body and his…seemed made for each other. I craved him in a way I craved no other before except…maybe Crazy. Never thought there would be a day where I would rather eat a hot fudge sundae instead of doing him. And my latest climax comes from taking a Bobby pin and scratching in between my tracks! 😍🙌🏽 Hey…that’s better than not climaxing at all right?! Lol. I can feel Harmony tossing and turning in her sleep on the West Coast as a result of the madness I’m spitting! She’s all about the sex and I use to be too! Maybe I just need to have a random fling with someone exciting? 😩 Those days been gone. I reformed about two years ago…so for the first time in a long while I don’t have a dude waiting in the wings. I mean I meet men of all races daily but it takes a lot to catch my attention. Penis alone will not make me cum. At this point, I crave the intellectual stimulation as well as the physical. This is what Phoenix and Crazy had in common…the ability to mentally and physically stimulate me. Crazy was a man of the streets but if he had had the right upbringing….he could have been a brain surgeon or a scientist. That’s what attracted me to Dallas too…his intelligence though we never slept together (even after coming pretty close). It’s tough if that person is your real friend. You don’t want to fuck things up with sex and we knew that. So we did not take it there. Maybe if we had…I would have realized that he was my husband. It was the most dangerous game we were both playing. Had others at home waiting on us plus I had Phoenix too. It was a sexually greedy time. So to tease with him or to get into it but never to seal the deal is probably why he’s so memorable. But I digress back into yesterday’s nostalgia post. 🙄 I feel like I’ve accidentally joined the marrieds. Heck some of y’all may be doing it more than me. In the last four months, the Ex Factor and I have only had sex twice and one of those times was the sleeping Penetration episode and the other time was forgettable because like I don’t remember but I know it happened. Our communication is at an all time low and every day I wake up yearning for someone else. Some man that appreciates me and who would never leave my bed/our bed unless he knew I was satisfied. One thing I can give Julio is he always tried even if I didn’t reach my peak. He tried! But I spoiled the Ex Factor from the jump (big mistake) and now I feel emotionally and physically neglected. I know the two are connected. I don’t feel valued so I’ve lost interest in our sex life. And while he’s patient…he’s a terrible listener. The Ex Factor hears what he wants. And that leaves me dry… still are folks getting a lot of sex? If so write in about it! I want to hear about true passion! Reading about it is better than nothing! Lol. ~KJM is part of the Ain’t gettin none crew on Temptation Tuesday! I’m now living vicariously through my readers. 😘 Feel free to write in if you aren’t getting any either!
I woke up yesterday with my past on my mind. The last man to express intentions of wanting to marry me, Dallas, greeted me in the form of my thoughts. I had not spoken to him since Fall 2008. Last I checked, he was married with two daughters. Because I love insanity, I recruited two of my friends to do some digging to find out how Dallas and another guy from my “could have married him” past were doing. From what one of my friends could find out…both men appeared to be doing well and are happily married with children…though no one could 100% confirm all this information about Dallas. But I know him…he takes marriage and family seriously especially since he was raised by his mother. Dallas would never want to put his children through what he went through. I admire that about him plus I loved that he was smarter than me and had a little more drive than I did (which is difficult to beat because working on my goals is 100% of my life). I felt like I could go to sleep at night knowing that Dallas had my back. But I didn’t love him…not the way I thought love was suppose to be at that time in life. When I was in my 20s I thought LOVE was based on this feeling that I later found out was infatuation. If it wasn’t present…I left. In my 30s I learned that love is a choice that is not based on a feeling but based on commitment, trust, and loyalty. You learn more about love in the difficult times than you do in the infatuation times. Karma is realizing all of this while loving someone young enough to still think love is a feeling not a choice…. And that’s where I am in my reality. Being dragged through it by the Ex Factor. Disappointment after disappointment…broken promises after broken promises…and embarrassment after embarrassment…yet I stay. While things were not perfect with Dallas, he could make a commitment. His word was his bond. In my 20s (apparently), I could not stay attracted to those types of men. And in my 30s, I haven’t bumped into one yet. So I hold onto what is toxic…not because I am afraid of being alone for I am and always have been alone…but because I’m frightened that there may not be a greater love out there for me. Hands down I’ve dated better men than the Ex Factor but I never loved them. So as I’m wrapped up in my nostalgia…mind thinking of Dallas…heart breaking from the Ex Factor…I cannot help but think of what life would have been like if I had accepted Dallas’ proposal (though not a formal one) or my other friend that made a similar gesture four years before Dallas. If there is a next time for love (not the infatuation kind), I’m going to try my hardest to choose wisely and to make sure that he loves me way more than I love him. Nostalgia is a funny thing. When you feel it, your heart wants to go back to that place and time…even if your memory romanticized it. Reality can have you dreaming too. I wish I could go back to Labor Day Weekend, September 2010, three months into the Ex Factor and I dating. I had gotten a job offer in DC and that’s when he sprung on me that he was not ready for a serious relationship. I…I was already in love. Past the infatuation stage. So I opted to work things out and we did long distance for like two months (about the time it took for me to realize that I hated my DC job)…and I stayed with him in and off for 7 years. Even the two years (2013-2014) when I wasn’t with him and living in Richmond, VA…the Ex Factor was still in my heart. I cannot help but think that if I had allowed my heart to break fully back then…I would have already met my third great love…whether he was BOAZ, Moses, Elijah, Abraham or just someone God sent! 😭My entire dating life…unconditional romantic love escaped me. I thought my heart was bullet proof from it. Then the one time the myth became a reality…my love was wasted on someone who would always aim to hurt me. I’m not sure who is the bigger bitch…nostalgia or reality…I’d like to forget them both… ~KJM on Charm School Monday saying to all the good guys I passed up…I wish you all the best. Thank you for making small chapters in my life memorable. 💕
OPINIONS! We are all guilty of giving them when no one asked us to…including myself! 🙄If we were specifically asked for our opinion and we give it…and end up pissing off the person who asked…that’s different! THEY ASKED! This blog is for the folks that no one asked them a thing but they felt the need to way in on other’s lives. 😐 To those folks I say…who asked you to put your two cents in? Are you perfect? Accidentally had a conversation with a new friend yesterday and she let it be known that she felt how I was dealing with the mess that’s going on around me is wrong. 😳 And I definitely did not ask her opinion. Now she was not speaking on my personal life because we all know that’s a hot got damn mess! 😩 I don’t even try to figure it out. I just breathe and let Jesus take the wheel! 🙄 But I digress… The thing that hurt me was she was texting all this stuff when she sees me on a daily basis and could have rudely made her personal thoughts known in person. Through text (I’ve learned with the Ex Factor) tone and intention are lost. Those two things are so important when trying to communicate with someone…especially someone we care about. Text jacks up communication for sure. Much is lost…like empathy. 🙌🏽 I had to learn this lesson the hard way. 🙄 Why do we all feel the need to control other people’s lives and behaviors?! Why do we bother when we all have our own crap to clean up?! There isn’t one person I know that I would trade places with in life. We have all taken shit at one time or another. Then many of us finally find a way to defend ourselves. But how you defend yourself and how you protect yourself is your choice. Me as your friend, if a true friend, must just listen and support (even if it’s from afar because things are so crazy). No need to be at the pulpit making up your own Ten Commandments! Leave the God stuff…to GOD! 🙌🏽 We are all humans who make mistakes! No one is perfect. Perhaps we all need a brush up course in friendship because for me…this behavior is unacceptable! And I sure did call her out on it too! Each decision in life that we make must be our own so that if and when consequences come…we can deal with it like grown adults. 🙌🏽 ~KJM on Throwback Thursday. Please keep me in your prayers. 💙
Dear Mister Situationship aka Mister Waste My Time, I have been a little distracted lately writing to BOAZ but don’t think I don’t know what’s up. You are like a dose of crabs or a reoccurring herpes break out…I always have this tingling sensation that you are never too far away! 🙄 Most women would think you never leave because you care. Yea…not me…at least not anymore. ✌🏾 You just like crawling in a hole and doing no work to maintain it. Matter of fact…every time I move on…you have PERFECT timing and appear on the scene like the coroner does when he’s coming to collect a dead body. 😩 Yea that is you…Mister fucking waste of time. I have no one to blame but myself for the mess I’ve gotten myself into…making you a priority when you were just making me an option. I don’t know how I’ve known you for so long and resisted the temptation to slap the taste out your fucking mouth! PATIENCE! I must have learned it along the way. Patience to stop eating up bull shit and see you for what you really are…a fucking parasite. The stealer of happiness! Yes…that is you! 😐 I am guessing that by now you figured out that I am not writing you sweet nothings like I do BOAZ. Nope…what you get are angry words to finesse your ass into performing a disappearing act. Wondering why I am writing? Well here you go fucker…one of my LAST SINGLE friends just got engaged! And I am super happy for her! She’s been through a lot and deserves the world. You see…she use to know another Mister Waste My Time and through all the mess…she found her happiness! Sometimes we think the time we spent lost or confused is wasted time…instead of seeing it for what it is…PREPARATION! We are often in the trenches because we are about to be planted on higher ground! There’s actually a biblical passage that says as much though I cannot remember it now. Trust me on it though. Anyways…back to why I’m letting your car windows chill! 😳🙄😂 My friend’s story of heartbreak and triumph…reminded me that even these last 7 years of ups and downs are preparing me for something big. I am not going through all of this for shits and giggles…there is a point. It occurred to me that I’ve spent months writing BOAZ but never fully addressed you…my past. I have no clue what you get out of wasting my time…cause KARMA is a bitch…but I allowed you to…so I can’t cry the tears of a true victim. I’m heading to higher ground…blossoming into a butterfly…and even though it’s taking me a long time to get you out of my system…I will. When the last lesson is learned and there is nothing left…I will be planted to higher ground. Living a life full of commitment and purpose. No more confusion. No more bipolarism. Just words that are bonds…followed by ACTION! Yasss🙌🏽 ACTIONS! You know…the ones that speak louder than words! Yasss! So I’m gonna leave your car windows in tact because the next bitch is gonna need her strength for when she busts each one out! KARMA🙌🏽 ~KJM…on Hump Day…writing this for myself and all the women similarly situated! 2017 is the end of the situationship! Trust that! The Universe is working for the greater good! 🙏🏽